Why can't I get to school?

[Stefie178]

I've had problems regarding anxiety and depression nearly my entire life. In 5th grade, when I was 10 years old, I got my first period and instantly became shy and unsociable. Now, I am in my senior year of high school and I am SUFFERING. I came back from summer vacation with this new form of anxiety and depression that limits me everyday. I'm already seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist. I've also tried 4 antidepressants so far, all turning out to be horrible experiences. Currently, I am on Klonopin, which is basically a long term Ativan. I'm taking one pill twice a day and the only result is it makes me drowsy. I'm also on a very low dose of an Antiepileptic medicine to see if it helps. So far, it doesn't, but I'm at an extremely low dose.
School is hell for me. Everytime I get ready to leave in the morning my throat closes up and I feel like vomiting. It's never happened before, but that's because I am swallowing every second to keep it down. Sometimes, I break into tears and refuse to go. Everything my therapist, psychiatrist, and even my school has been doing for me hasn't helped. The school set up a plan where I don't won't be called on by any teacher and I can eat lunch in the nurse's office. Nothing is helping. This morning my mother drove me to school (which she has been doing since all of this started) and I started shaking, crying, and felt like I was going to throw up. There was nothing in particular that I was thinking about, but I couldn't control myself. Eventually, my mother gave up trying to get me into school, so she brought me back home and called me out sick.
I REALLY want to get through school. I used to be a little shy and anxious, but not to this extent. Also, it's not just going to school that triggers my anxiety. Even just silently sitting in class makes me uncomfortable. I'm terrified at this point because I'm wondering if I'll ever graduate. I've come so far, I'm almost halfway through 12th grade, and next year I will be going to college. I just don't know what to do anymore. Every morning I'm suffering. Even when I get into school I want to cry and avoid going to classes. I'm trying my hardest, but I'm sick and tired of the pain I get everytime I go to school. I feel like I've lost control of myself and can't even calm my mind anymore. Everything happens automatically. Please could someone offer advice as to what I can do. I NEED to finish high school, but it's practically impossible at this point.

[4fsakemimi]

It sounds as if you have some phobia going on here - be it agoraphobia, social phobia or school phobia. Have you spoken to your therapists about this? Also, when this is happening, think about and note down what is going on in your head at the time to be able to explore with a therapist- it might aid them in their understanding around why it is that you react like that. For example, you are about to sit in the car, you feel your heart pounding, you feel sick in your stomach and think "oh no, not again, why does this happen every time I go to so school" and "oh no, everyone will notice if i get sick at school or make a mistake" or "i;ll look stupid and make a fool of myself" etc. Those are thoughts in line with social anxiety disorder; with CBT you would explore them and look at different ways of thinking so to no longer have those thoughts and eventually in time reduce the SAD. I know it feels difficult at the moment and looks quite bleak when you are in that situation, but eventually it'll work out. Source of knowledge is based on my Clinical psychology studies - although I am not a clinical psychologist and this is advice, not a diagnosis, etc. :)

[RockRose]

And I wonder about your statement that "nothing helps".  I would think the school's accommodations - that you can eat lunch in the nurse's office and not be called on in class is helping a LOT.  Anxiety over who to sit with at lunch,  and being called on in class are major stressors,  typically.  Are you saying that if you didn't have those accommodations,  your school day would be exactly as difficult?  If you had to speak out in class, or had to find friends to eat lunch with,  you wouldn't have more anxiety?

[Stefie178]

When I say nothing helps I mean I've tried nearly everything my therapist recommended to relieve stress and I'm still the same. I'm exercising, just like you said, and also go out shopping in my free time. I find that my biggest challenge is just being in school/getting to school. Nothing that happens during class matters. It's the fact that I am physically sitting in a classroom that makes my skin crawl. Also, I'm still unable to eat during lunch even if I'm in the nurse's office because I'm queasy the entire day and constantly have a lump In my throat. Perhaps the school's accommodations have helped somewhat, but I still haven't been able to attend school this week. And thank you for saying I'm tough, it means a lot when people realize I feel like I'm doing everything I can.

[RockRose]

Stefie,  you're brave and tough.  Anxiety is HARD,  and yet you realize you need to graduate and you usually go to school despite your anxiety.

Do you have an exercise routine?  Even walking long distances outdoors is really helpful (treadmills indoors is less helpful).  Do you purposely do things for pleasure - play music,  play with pets,  dance,  etc?

Best wishes.  You're tough,  and that counts for a lot.  

[Paxiled]

Does your therapist specialize in anxiety treatment?  Most of them don't.  I'd also want to investigate further the fact this seemed to start when you started to have your period.  It could indicate your problem is a hormonal one.  Have you ever seen a doctor for a thorough work-up to eliminate all the physiological conditions that can cause anxiety, including hormonal imbalances, thyroid problems, blood sugar problems, hidden viruses, nutritional deficiencies, food allergies or intolerances -- heck, it could be a dairy or wheat allergy given how young it started for you.  Keep seeking out what woks for you, your youth is your strength.

[Stefie178]

I've already had a blood test, which ruled out a lot of those physiological conditions. I've also seen a gastroenterologist and everything turned out normal. The only Doctor I haven't seen is a gynecologist for my period. It's always been messed up (skipping months, sometimes lasting 3 weeks) and I'm almost 18 years old. I'll definitely get this checked out soon to see if it will help. Thanks for the answer.

[Gemfly]

Did they take blood tests to check your Vitamin D and Vitamin B12?

Magnesium is helpful for anxiety as well.

Many medications hinder absorption of vitamins/minerals and if you're undiagnosed and then given prescriptions that might further deplete levels.

If you are low...raising levels can really help.

Sometime lavender is very calming, also look up pressure points online. You can do this to yourself.