Will it get better?

[Peacewytch]

I'ma 52 year old obese (big fat) female. I've experienced depression and bouts of anxiety my entire life, never diagnosed. I suffered from grave's disease (hyperthyroid) from around 2004-2006, which the symptoms of sees to have abated after two years of medication. I have not been to a doctor for anything since 2007. At that time the disease morphed into thyroid eye disorder, my eyeballs went in different directions, leaving me with severe double vision. Having been claustrophobic all my life, this was a huge scary deal and still is. I feel like I see the world through a veil I can't remove, like a puzzle I can't set straight. My claustro is so bad that when told I needed a CAT scan to make sure it is in fact TED, I stopped seeing any drs.- I can't bear the thought of having a claustrophobic panic attack, which I have regularly even without situations like a CAT scan. The thought of multiple surgeries terrifies me and I do not see myself ever getting better from this eye disease. I am also a lifelong sufferer of delayed sleep phase disorder, which over the years has caused me to sleep in the daytime and be conscious at night and any attempt to change that has failed, I am a zombie otherwise. Being an introvert in the first place it seemed natural to me to be unconscious when the rest of the world was awake. I only recently realized how much of my life this has stolen from me and being with my family and friends. Most times I opted out of activities because I slept during the day. I've missed a lot of daytimes with my kids.

The severe depression caused by my eyes in 2006-7 pretty much stopped my 'normal' life, even tho it was already abnormal. I felt toxic and stopped communicating with all my friends. I was constantly either sad or angry or feeling guilty. I secluded myself. I felt the depression was what I deserved. I felt this was how I was going to(supposed to) feel forever.

About two summers ago I began to have (more than usual) difficulty sleeping, due to waking up having to urinate every three hours or so. Over time it became every two hours. Now I wake every hour like clockwork to go to the bathroom. Following that I have an anxiety attack, then force myself to sleep again for another hour. I have not slept more than about three hours in a row since two summers ago. Oddly I don't have to urinate every hour when I'm awake, only during sleep. Sometimes I force myself to go back to bed four or five times so the total time I sleep adds up to six or seven hours a night, but after a few wake/afraid/sleep episodes I give up. Sometimes I take a nap of an hour or two at night and suffer through several hours of the sleep/wake to pee/suffer a panic attack for 20 minutes/force myself to sleep again during the day (my 'normal' sleep time). Last summer however, I began to feel the onslaught of anxiety, whether from not getting adequate sleep, or something else, every time I slept for a short time and woke up I felt anxious, afraid to go back to sleep, afraid to be awake.

For the past probably 15 years I have taken some generic form of sleep aid to get to sleep, as I have never been able to fall asleep on my own. (Even as a kid I never could sleep at a friend's house, have never been able to sleep while camping, on vacation, at a motel, anywhere else but my own bed, in spite of any sleep aids.) Sometime in the past few months I tried to stop taking any sleep meds, with no success. I have been trying melatonin tablets for a couple of months, and while they calm me down to sleep, I still wake up to urinate every hour and repeat the freakout cycle.

The past six months my anxiety has grown so out of proportion to reality I can't take it, yet I don't have the solace of sleep to fall back on. I'm sure the not sleeping exacerbates the anxiety and vice versa. I began to fear that I'd become afraid to go to sleep. I already feel I may be afraid to sleep at night rather than the daytime that I'm used to. The past few days the fear of sleep became a reality. A week or so before Xmas our 20 year old cat died, not the first death we've suffered at the holidays, and since then everything has spiraled into a constant crippling anxiety. I am afraid and anxious all the time. I feel lost in reality. Even around people trying to make me feel better I feel disconnected and afraid. I cry. I feel ashamed. Everything causes panic. I can hardly ride in cars, I'm too closed in. My anxiety is triggered by EVERYTHING. I can't take a shower without psyching myself up and leaving the door open. I have to have all the lights on all the time and even then it feels dark everywhere. I love snow and rain but last snowfall I had an anxiety attack because it felt claustrophobic. I'm afraid of cloudy days. I can't go to other people's homes for fear I'll panic. I can't be in a room with a closed door. I can't listen to music. The night time darkness is one long panic all alone, as I am still awake all night. I experience constant fear that every breath is my last. My brain cycles bad thoughts over and over, I worry about my kids if I drop dead, I put myself in claustro situations in my brain, I am constantly in a state of panic, I never feel better, I never calm down, I am desperate for some help, my thougths race and never quiet. I have had a running conversation in my head about what I'd tell a doctor and I just want to NOT think about it. I have racing anxious thoughts every waking minute. I am immobilized, trapped in my own scared brain, surreally detached, unable to reason myself into calmness, afraid of every single thing I have no control over, and mostly, I'm so tired from no sleep, but also afraid if I do sleep I'll never wake up. Afraid something very bad is wrong with me.

Is it anxiety disorder, a thyroid thing, the depression, some underlying health problem, peri-menopause, lack of sleep for the past year, not having a 'normal' sleep and wake cycle, what? After reading some things about anxiety I am of course borrowing trouble and worrying that I can't be helped. I'm afraid I will always be afraid. I've read some anxiety meds take weeks to work and make you feel worse before you get better. I wish to be a model patient who immediately responds well to whatever treatment and feels better but am TERRIFIED this will never end. I feel like I'm already dead and in hell and nobody told me to lay down.

Just a few minutes of calm would feel like heaven. I just want to be here for my kids, and I'm not here at all. Is there hope?

[Paxiled]

Have you ever tried therapy?  And I'm no fan of Paxil as a starting drug -- it's a difficult drug and, as noted above, is quite noted for weight gain.  Did you see a psychiatrist or a general practitioner?  Because general docs aren't very good at this sort of thing.  As for the melatonin, keep in mind it's main function is to reset your body clock.  I have a similar problem with sleep, though my cause is different, so I go to sleep very late as well.  Like you, melatonin helps me fall asleep, but as it sets the body clock, if you go to bed too late it can wake you up too early -- it works best when you're on the body clock that's right for you.  But again, I emphasize therapy over drugs, as drugs aren't magic bullets.  They can mitigate symptoms but they don't get to the underlying problem.  Sometimes, we can't get to the underlying problem, so drugs are the best thing, but if you've never done so please give therapy a try and talk to your doc about Paxil and whether that's the best med for you -- just my opinion, but I'd start with Prozac, not noted for weight gain and not so hard to stop taking.  Good luck to you.

[remar]

Yay! I am so proud of you for going to the Dr. The Ativan should start working right away. The Paxil can take a few days to a few weeks. I did extremely well on Paxil but had to come off it because of weight gain. If you start noticing any weight gain you can go back to see your Dr and ask for something else. There are several antidepressants to choose from that won't make you gain weight. What dose did she put you on? Try not to worry about what I said about the weight gain. This does not happen with all people that take Paxil. I hope both of these meds work for you. Please keep me up to date on how you're doing.

[Peacewytch]

Thanks, I actually got strong and went to a doctor today. She was kind, gave me long & short term scrips. I have hope that this too shall pass. It was good to talk to a real person and not just the voices in my own head, who never have any advice. :O) She gave me Paxil & Atavan, the pharm filled them with generics so I hope they still work as intended.

[remar]

There are anxiety meds that will work right away. You need to get yourself to the Dr some how some way. You can get started on the anti anxiety meds as soon as you pick them up from the pharmacy. Antidepressants can take a few days to a few weeks to start working. You need to have your thyroid levels checked. That has to be done on a regular basis. First, get to the Dr for anxiety meds so you can get all the other testing done.