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454275 tn?1205935627

Xanax and my pill pushing doctor

This is a long story, but I will try to make it short.  As a child, I was raped by my Father and I never delt with it properly.  I was very smart in school so I went off to University at the age of 15.  There I met a professor who cared about me and was like a real Father figure to me.  We engaged in unsafe sex, I was a virgin, and I contracted HIV 20 years ago.  Back in those days they told you to go home and die, but I decided to take a job in Utah working for NASA.  During that time, I had mental evaluation after evaluation and eventually checked MYSELF into an in-patient facility.  After hearing my story, the doctor that I had OCD and released me.  I then went on to work for the Boeing Company, Northrop Grumman, and NASA again as a program manager.  About three years my "secrets" took their toll and I asked for medication.  My doctor now has me on Xanax twice a day, Diovan once a day, Metoprolol XR once a day, Ambien CR 12.5 MG which does not work, Acipex for gastric problems caused by the meds, Oxcarbazepine 150 MG three times a day, Seroquel 25 MG for sleep, Trileptal150 MG three times a day, Ammitriptyline three at night to help me sleep and Cymbalta for depression.  I am from Georgia and I am a Christian, but I am thinking of ending my life.  I owned a software company in San Diego and would fly 120 flights per year.  I don't know if the medicine contributed, but I passed out behind the wheel of my car coming home from the airport and my car hit a brick wall and burst into flames.  A nice man just happened to pull me from the car before it exploded.  There was nothing left.  I broke both hips and both knees and I am in constant pain.  Because I am HIV+, the doctors will not do surgery.  I live in pain everyday and I based my life on my work.  I feel so useless now and all the people who were around me have scattered.  I am useless to them now since I had to leave my position.  I am anxious all the time and depressed and I need someone to help me me get through this.  After the first wreck, I was told that I could drive.  I purchased a new Lincoln Navi and I had yet another seizure and destroyed a light post, snapped a telephone pole in half and flipped twice landing on the roof of the car.  I am so scared, I can't even leave my home.  I was always the life of the party and I don't know where to start.  When you say "gay" at any doctor's office.....they charge my insurance and cancel my treatment.  My insurance has canceled me because it was a "pre-existing" condition so now I have Medicare A,B, and D but I am at the end of my rope.  I see my father each day and he is so loved in the community.  I also see my sister who participated and my Mom who doesn't believe me.  Can anyone help me.  My anti-anxiety drugs are not working and I sleep about two hours per night.  My mind won't turn off.  HELP ME?
2 Responses
428816 tn?1207535265
hi, i'm Sheri, i am so sorry to hear of what you have been going through. that sure is a lot of meds they have you on, how are you feeling? i don't know if i can help, but i am here if you ever need an ear. i have friends who have HIV and i understand how hard it is, and the stigma of coming out. i feel for you, i understand your family situation and can sympathize, you must feel so frustrated!! it is not fair, i beg you, though, it can get better and you can be happy and live a good life, please don't harm yourself. i'm happy i came across your post. it can be very hard to function not sleeping, i have that problem too. do you take anything for pain? how is your relationship with your doctor? i will send you my email if you want to talk. :)
Avatar universal
My name is Cynthia read your story and although it's  2016 now ,i hope you are alive and well. If you respond to this link then will i know, i will leave you my email address after you respond
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