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Avatar universal

death sounds beautifully invigorating

I really want to die......everyday suicide seems like a really good option. My parents have never been there for me. My dad is schizophrenic and I barely ever see him. My mom hates me and has never cared about me. I was sexually abused when I was younger and my mom did not give a damn. I then developed eating disorders but my mom said I only cared about how I looked but I really just wanted her attention.. I am angry hurt and just want to die.I gained weight thinking it would make her love me but no she just does not care she loves my other siblings but has never loved me. I just want her to love me. I want someone to love me and hold me and tell me everything is going to be ok but there is no one. I feel sick. I am trash stupid ugly disgusting horrible evil filthily and want to die. No one would care if I died but I am to afraid to kill myself so I keep on putting suicide off. I am sick of breathing and thinking and being. No one could ever love me no one I am **** and just want to die no one cares..............I feel empty inside I need help but don't have money to get it I want to die so bad. I am stuck in a pit with no hope and no one cares I just want to die. Please help I need help. But there is no hope. Hope is only for certain people people who are not worthless crap
12 Responses
1390847 tn?1344661068
I am where you are.  i feel exactly the same as you.  Dying sounds great to me but i get scared before i actually act on it.  Yesterday though, I did act on it.  I almost drove my car off a clif but right before i did i got a call on my cellphone from my friend, and the call made me stop and pull over.
RIght here right now, I am telling you DONT kill yourself becuase its not the answer.  Yesterday when someone said that to me I didnt take it to heart becuase I was so set on dying.  Today, I can hear that and understand.  Your not in your right state of mind right now....dont do anything you cant take back.  You dont know whats coming...tomorrow you may meet your soulmate..tomorrow maybe youll see a friend or just anything....you just dont know what could be coming your way and dont give it up.  I know whats its like to not feel loved. I know what its like to want death so much theres not an inch of love in my heart...but right now im telling you theres hope.  Just becuase i am still alive right now after what i almost did yesterday proves there is hope.  
I care about you...I dont care if ive never met you or talked to you becuase I still care.  You can get help.  Are you in any sort of therapy or on any medications?
I know that at times of desperation like this words are hardly comforting.  Just trust me on this...you will regret it if you die.  You wont get married or have kids...you wont get to see what the world brings becuase it is always changing.  Dont give up all hope...Trust me good things are bound to come.
Avatar universal
ij ust read your reply to  allybaby im not suffering from any eating disorder or no being loved i suffer from chronic anxiety but yesterday i had 12 of my dads pills in my hand i actually think i started to one my mouth i just feel so depressed and reading your message to that young girl was beutiful because that is exactly true u dont know who your gonna meet or you dont know what is round the corner i just wanted to say that has really helped me and hopefully it will help her fingers x that was a great message
968908 tn?1274874715
Hi,
First of all i just want to let you know that i think your extremely brave to admit to us all here on the forum how you are truely feeling.  This in itself is you admitting to yourself how badly your feeling and that indeed you really and truely dont want to hurt or end your life but you just want to feel loved.  There are people on here who can and will give you a shoulder to cry on, like myself, we do know how you are feeling as the majority of us have been to that deep dark pit your at now.  I will say this you can escape it and there is light at the end of this tunnel, the one thing that will get you there is by not being alone in this situation and getting the help you really desire and need.

i can tell you that it sounds very much like your suffering from severe clinical depression.  This is a life threatening illness in that in severe cases such as yourself you start to have daily urges and thoughts of ending your life.  The desire to die becomes greater than that to live.  This being your case i strongly urge you to seek help professionally.  You state that you dont have any cash but really and truely this needs to be the last thing that you take into this situation at present.  You need to either go to your local clinic or GP/PC doctor asap and be extremely honest in the way you are feeling.   I can tell you right now that if you told your doctor what you have told us, they would not just fob you off without treatment.  They would refer you to the professionals and maybe even prescribe you some anti-depressants too.  Please, please do not just read this and not take action, i really do urge you to get professional help.

In regards to your mum, you say she loves your siblings but not you.  How many brothers or sisters do you have?  What kind of things does she do for them but not for you?  Has this been going on for a long time or is it more recent these feelings you feel? What happens when you try to talk to her? Do you both fight all the time?

I am going to send this message to your inbox as well, as in the past when any body has mentioned suicide on this forum the post normally ends up getting removed.  Which to be honest i think is not advisable as your seeking help and gildance and by removing such a post it leaves the person feeling even more isolated.  So i do really hope they leave it on here so you can get the support and advice you need.

If you need to chat to me just inbox and i'll get back to you as soon as im able.  I know what your going through cause i have been there a few times now.  All i can say is it does get better and your not alone!!!!
968908 tn?1274874715
Just to add all my advise gors to you also.  If your feeling this way too, please seek medical professional help.  In these times you need professionals to help pull you out of this darkness.  With love, support and trust things will get better.

Peace and light

Julie
Avatar universal
Thank you for the advice and for caring. I know I need help. My mom has 6 other kids she treats me with indifference and never talks to me only to point out my problems. Never in my life have I felt love from her. When I was younger she only pointed out the bad stuff as well. I feel like whatever I do no matter what I can never make her happy. I try but I always end up failing. I hate myself for everything and feel so much anger towards her. She thinks that all I care about is myself and maybe its true but I try to help others and not only focus on me. I have never done drugs or sex or anything like that. I sometimes don't understand why she hates me so much. I am going to be moving out into my grandparents house but I don't think they want me there either =(. I don't have a car and do not have enough money to move out on my own. There are times I think I should leave and try to live on my own but I don't know how and don't know how smart it would be. I have told my mom that I hate myself and want to die but she thinks I am just selfish. I try to talk to her but she doesn't want to talk to me.........she scares me now that I do not even want to try....
1244499 tn?1397549123
Death is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I can't say I've been exactly where you are, as my family has done everything they possibly can to help. This December, I will start my 7th year of treatment resistant major depressive disorder, general anxiety disorder, panic disorder, and social phobia.

I don't consider what I have to be a "life". The only time I leave the house is to see doctors, otherwise I sleep most of the day, just to walk downstairs and lay on a couch for the rest of the day. It's not fair, is it? I've noticed lately that I keep asking myself "what reason do I have to keep fighting?" Nothing's worked for me. I'm missing out on what should be the best years of my life.

I've been to many therapists and psychiatrists. Take a look at this:

Diazepam - Currently taking
Lexapro - Currently taking
Wellbutrin XL - Currently taking
Deplin - Currently taking
Alprazolam
Clonazepam
Lorazepam
Lunesta
Ambien
Trazadone
Benadryl (for sleep)
Nortriptyline
Celexa
Prozac
Paxil
Zoloft
Cymbalta
Effexor
Mirtazapine
Amatriptyline
Buspar
Seroquel
Zyprexa
Abilify
Provigil
Ritalin
Vyvance
Clonidine
Gabapentin
Vistaril
Tramadol
Hydrocodone ("Self Medicating")
Oxycodone ("Self Medicating")

Let me clarify this. I'm 22 years old. I've been prescribed 31 of the 33 medications listed above. (Vicodin helped a lot, but I couldn't get it from a doctor for depression and anxiety). Most nights I go to bed hoping I won't wake up, but something is keeping me alive, and I believe there's something keeping you fighting, even if you can't identify it.
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Arlington, VA
370181 tn?1428180348
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