i need help....i don't know what to do......

[tara79]

hey everyone, i've been on this forum off and on... i ve been going through a really difficult time .... coping with my anxiety, myself.. it just gets so tiring after a point, when i break down and cry .... I have GAD... i'm always anxious, self conscious whereever I go, whatever I do..constantly thinking of how other people will be judging me.... I'm always worried about how people see me...and I'm so lost in this thought process..it makes so tired at the end of it all.... a million thoughts zap through my mind, and I'm trying to fight them and confront them it drives me crazy. I 'm a pretty reserved person, and grew up as a very shy, reserved kid and I rememember being very self conscious even in those days..whether it was at school, or to go shopping..I was alwats shy, and anxious...and that has just grown with me..I was in intense counsleling and CBT for 2 years which has been very helpful to me....and I still use those techniques to deal with day to day issues such as getting on public transport, on the train or the tram and in a crowd or at work...Its a constant and everyday processs that I go through each day of my life..I seem to be so caught up with what the rest of thw wrld is thinking abt me, how they judge me..maybe negatively...and that I'm such a loser....all these thoughts make me crazy..so tired ...I just go home, give myself a big hug and cry..wondering why I hurt myself by saying all these negatve things to myself. I wish i ould get my mind off these thoughts and how people judge me to being in the moment and enjoying myself...i'm tired....work gets difficult for me...all i want to do is go take a holiday and get away from the stress of this world ......i shud also add that i was on lexapro for 2 years,..was prescribed 10 mg everyday, but didnt want to take it everyday, anyway...after abt a year i switched to 10 mg in 3 days and was doing well....3 months back i wanted to come off it, so my doc asked me go back to teh regular dose of 10 mg everyday, and then come off it...anyway... theses issues are something i need to deal with on my own I believe, medication has helped me a bit...but this feeling doesnt go away... this feeling of being judged negatively all the time.... i'll be happy to hear any kind of suggestions from you...  i hope all of you are having a great day.

love,
me

[Starlet_2008]

Your post sounds so much like my life its unbelievable. I have exactly the same issues in my life and understand how incredibly difficult it is to live with, and the more you worry about it the bigger the problem becomes and the more anxious you get..sometimes it feels like I'm going crazy! Although i cant really offer you any suggestions i think it helps sometimes to know that your not the only one going through it..That said i have been having hypnotherapy to find the root cause of the anxiety and this is beginning to help a great deal..is this something you would consider? As for doctors i find them extremely unhelpful and they are always too quick to palm you off with tablets instead of really trying to understand the problem. I also totally understand about the negativity you feel and its sooo difficult sometimes to "like" yourself..i would rather hate myself and attack my self esteem and its so self-destroying.

Hope this makes some sort of sense to you, take care

[tara79]

hey, thank you so much for your reply to my post. i was actually looking fwd to hearing some valuable suggestions from you... i must say, eveyrthig you pointed in there is 100% right... i have a very low self image .. i always have since I was a kid. I always thought i was not good enough for the world, not good enough for my family... not good enough as a girl friend and so on... until i had a mjor relationship break up which really broke my very core and i lost all sense of self ... and thats when i moved away from home, (which is India) to study masters in australia. i guess study was only an excuse...i really needed to get away and sort out issues. thats when i wnt for counselling regularly and therapy... the doc told me the same that all of this is a reflection of my self ...and taght me ways of coping and so on... i still use those techniques.. but you know what.... its a never ending process for me... some days when i can challenge my negative thoughts are good days, then again my anxiety takes teh better of me and I lose the game. so its always a conflict and goes up and down every few days...sometimes i get so sick of things, then again I say - no way,. I'm  going to fight this...and i'm good for the next coupld of days again. so like i said, a constant battle with myself... to add to all of that, i'm back in india from australia... i dont exactly enjoy living in india very much.... all of the environment just makes me go more crazy.. the crowds, the noise, tha traffic... it drives me nuts. i hate it! i want to be in a quiet, beautiful place, with nature and pets that I so love... and live a life of my own... on my terms.... along with all of this is my search for a partner  who can accept me just as i am, with all my kinks and anxiety and still love me unconditionally.... i ve never had a boyfriend who has loved me... its always been about casual relationships....
i pray that i learn to love and appreciate myself whoheartedly some day......
and i'll take your advice on going back into therapy. thanks for responding to my post, it means a lot. take care.

[JSGeare]

Your post, courageous and direct and honest, reminds me of my garage.

I say this because my garage was a hopeless, dirty mess until I cleaned it up and organized it yesterday. It was very rewarding, because in the process of doing so I found my car.

But here's what I'm trying to say: you've got a lot of "levels" of thought going on here, and a lot of items on each level. A balancing act, yes?

So, let's GET ORGANIZED. I'm going to shoot some basic ideas to you and you take what works and leave the rest behind.

Foundation level, essential and basic issue from which EVERYTHING else flows: the anxiety/panic.

And you know that the therapy has helped -and so have the meds, when they get adjusted properly.

And what you are left with is that "judging" thing -what do others think about you. And the truth, as you probably have already guessed, is that most "others" with whom you have no personal connection, pretty much stay "in role" with you and with everyone. Cashier, customer; doctor, patient; minister, congregant -all the usual ways we interact with plain old people. It wouldn't matter to them if you were Jack the Ripper; they're still waiting for you to hand over a buck 25 for a pack of gum. And that leaves all the others with whom there is some personal identity or connection where what that person really thinks and what YOU really think, matters -sometimes, a LOT.

I will hold out to you that your concerns about what OTHERS think is a kind of reflection of uncertainty you carry within yourself regarding issues of your self-esteem, and that your unsettled thoughts and feelings are so profound that you sense they are evident to everyone else.

If that is true -or even just close to true- then a switch in therapy may be helpful. The CBT can help you use your intellect to evaluate emotional triggers; to create a sort of "buddy system" within yourself. But if you want to get down into the roots of it all, that may require a different kind of therapy. For this, a psychiatrist is really the way to go -someone who can manage the meds AND do the therapy. It seems to be a logical "next step" for you, far as I can tell.

I hope this helps.