I could address many things in your post, but the following quote stopped me in my tracks and I think it is the ONLY part of your post we need to deal with immediately.
You wrote, and I quote.............I'm having fears about "losing it" and hurting myself or someone I love."
If you are having these feelings, you ABSOLUTELY need to get in front of your doctor or more specifically, a therapist AS SOON AS POSSIBLE!
If they become more intense or intrusive, you should either call 911 or have someone take you to the ER!
Not to minimize the rest of your post, but right NOW you need to deal with THESE feelings.........
PLEASE GET HELP!
Thank you so much for your concern. I have had these fears for years, they are absolutely NOT feelings. I have ocd, these are very common fears with that. It's not severe depression or anything, i have mild depression that is very well controlled with zoloft and trazadone. I don't want to hurt myself or anyone else. I know I won't. I just wanted some suggestions on how everyone deals with scary thoughts with anxiety. Those were just examples. I also fear germs sometimes, I fear I will get sick or develop a worse mental illness once in a while. I post some things on the anxiety forum and some on the ocd as i had GAD since i was a tween. I just needed help talking myself out of the panic.
Those are called "intrusive thoughts", and unlike someone with a TRUE intent of acting on these thoughts, there is a difference....in someone with an anxiety disorder, you don't put those thoughts there, it is involuntary, which is why they are called "intrusive thoughts", and the person with the antisocial type personality disorder, for example...who would be prone to violence....often causes those thoughts and acts on them. Has a TRUE intent, other words.
While those thoughts are absolutely TERRIFYING, they are harmless for the most part. I went through a period a long time ago where I had these thoughts about harming my daughter when she was a baby. It made me lierally sick, and I was ready to call in the men with the white coats. I was so scared, I told my husband, who, the poor man, was sickened...he thought he was living with a REAL psychotic. Got my azz to the p-doc immediately, and she explained the idea of an intrusive thought and reassured me that they were only thoughts...not true intentions...that if I had a prepensity for violence, it would have manifested LONG before this.
It took a while before I could shake it off, but I finally learned to dismiss them. They still scared me from time to time...but once I took the "power" away from them, they simply faded away. I suggest that you call your p-doc and/or therapist and get yourself in for an appt...they will be able to reassure you, and certainly...to be on the safe side.....verify that that is what's going on. If you ever have a doubt as to the origin of these thoughts, it would always, like lydia stated...get yourself help right away. IMO, I'm confident though, that you are dealing with intrusive thoughts, especially since you state that this isn't the first time you've experience you've had with this.
Just remember, always better to be safe than sorry...but honestly, try to dismiss the thoughts...laugh at them. I would often even say things out loud, like, "How ridiculous...I would lay my life down for this child if need be, there is just no way I would ever harm her". Another interesting thing.. is EVERYONE has pretty much had an intrusive thought in their lifetime...a common example is the ole....."I'm going to run my car into oncoming traffic" while driving. The difference between a person without anxiety and a person WITH anxiety is that we cannot easily dismiss and get over that fear, b/c we are so predisposed to it.
Take care...let us know how you're doing!!!
Thanks you guys (I know 3 months later lol) for your input. nursegirl, that was and still often is my biggest fear, I'm afraid I'll "go crazy" and hurt my daughter. In the last few months I've been learning alot about my OCD, which has helped with these fears, but they are not gone. My husband always says "Hillary, you've don't even kill bugs or eat meat very often, what makes you think you could hurt a person?!?" This always makes me feel better. He also reminds me that I swore the day she was born I would protect her and give my own life for hers if need be, there is no way I could hurt her, she is the love of my life. I often come on here to get reassurance from other people who have these problems, my husband gives alot of it, but sometimes it he's sleeping lol and he doesn't have GAD or OCD. He does have PSTD though (he's a veteran), so he can relate in many ways. I am very familar with the term intrusive thoughts, infact I think I've used it a few times in my responses on here! Thanks again for the reassurance..