I have no idea how this forum works and I didn't want to thread hijack, so I am posting my own. Sorry if this is wrong.
Just some background, I am a 21 year old female. I was professionally diagnosed with OCD and anxiety at age 8, but I often feel it does not cover everything I am experiencing. I was actually examined for autism at age 5 because I didn't talk or do many things 5 year olds did--I didn't learn to tie my shoes until I was 10, but I could count to 100 in kindergarten and read in preschool. They said I did not have autism, but rather, I was just precociously smart and "should just grow up to be a scientist or something".
I grew up reading a lot of books, and was fascinated by science. I loved the discovery channel when I was little. I would often read the same books over and over to pass my time. I was a tomboy and I loved animals! My memory is photographic I can remember some things back from when I was 4 pretty well. I had friends when I was little, but as I grew up as an adolescent, I lost these friends. I eventually had one friend by the time I graduated high school. I moved two hours away for college and after a tough transition period, stuck around and will graduate with my bachelors next year with a 3.5 GPA. academic performance was another thing that has seem to deteriorate with age. I worked very hard when I was young--but as I grew older, if things did not interest me, I wouldn't put the time in. I was bad about procrastinating and still am. They pushed for me to be in the gifted child program at school, but I would always fail the standardized test. I finally got in through the performing arts program as a senior. Theatre was a liberating hobby for me in HS. I got to rote memorize tons of lines and pretend to be someone else. I was very good at it and played many important roles.
I sometimes have trouble putting my words in the right order and only make brief eye contact with a few people. I have begun to cling to my parents and tell them everything. I feel like a burden to one of them who is sick and stressed. I have friends in college but not close friends. I spend most of my time alone and often go home on the weekends. Parties are scary unless I'm drunk, then they're a bit less scary. Most see me as naïve or "like, 12". I've gotten better socially, but most of it is habits and phrases I've learned from others. I think everyone automatically does not like me, and sometimes I think sarcasm is serious.
I've been asked if I have ADD/ADHD because I stare into space and get distracted so much, but I just don't feel like it is me. Recently, I've been experiencing what I think is depression as well as increased anxiety. My mind is always racing and I feel like sleeping all of the time. Certain noises make me cringe, and I am a very picky eater due to the texture of food. If I get creeped out, it is more than just chills--i shrivel up and my neck does this odd twitchy thing. I feel the same if something feels good too, mainly if a certain person hugs or kisses me. I don't really like to be hugged or kissed except by a few. Taps on the shoulder and pokes to get attention annoy me immensely. I can't keep a text convo well and sometimes do not reply at all--this has impacted my romantic life. I've been single for over two years. The last relationship I had ended when he wanted to have sex and would push back when he leaned in to kiss me. I don't crave or want sex, have never had it, and have often wondered if I am asexual. When someone says they love me or shows they care or say they want to protect me, however, I often become very attached to them. I've been used a lot in friendships because of this. I'm willing to do anything for the people that I love and love me back. This gets me in trouble most of the time.
I've got what I consider to be very low self esteem and confidence in myself, despite being very competitive and constantly trying to beat out others in school. I don't feel worthy when my test grade in my favorite subject is not the highest. I am relentlessly hard on myself amd feel like a failure most of the time. My image of myself has gotten better, but I often feel it is based either off of my competitive drive or the social habits I've learned. I haven't been very happy with who I am in the past two weeks, and have been crying everyday. If someone is not constantly telling me I'm great, I feel like nothing. That also makes me feel self-centered.
I love to pace. If I'm pacing alone, I'm talking to myself as well, often rehearsing imaginary conversations. (Another reason I loved theatre). I don't talk a lot around others, but I have learned how to converse pretty well in a group. I have good days where I am right on beat socially, and bad days where I fall apart and can't hold a conversation.
I could go on, but basically, I am not happy with myself. Out of curiosity, I came across some narratives of people with aspergers (especially women) that I feel like I may identify with. I scored 36 on the AQ test, 138 Aspie, 77 NT on the RDOS Aspie quiz, and 128 total score on the Ritvo scale. I feel as though some, though not all, Aspir traits applied to me when I was younger and I may have been able to hide them to fit in as I grew older. Some of this information has given me relief, but a diagnosis would release me and help me love myself. But I want opinions before I share these thoughts with a GP or even my parents. From what I've written (I know it's long, sorry) do you think I have enough traits to warrant diagnosis? The doctors that told me I had OCD when I was young did not have any specialty in autistic disorders. I wonder if they were right or wrong. Or is it just the OCD/ anxiety I already possess, or ADD/ADHD, or me wanting attention? I am not looking for disability benefits, but peace of mind. Thank you.