907515 tn?1251727972

truth / honesty issues for aspie adults

do any of u adult aspies hv sticking issues with truth / honesty?... i m definitely NOT a saintly person but i hv been caught in a terrible quandary over telling the truth to someone i respect or keeping a lie going becos the NT world says it is better to do so... i kw tt in the social world out there, it is considered better to keep a 'white lie' than to tell the truth and 'hurt' pple... no, i dont go around telling pple they are pug-ugly or things like that - i dont mean basic ettiquette, which i hv mastered to great effect, i mean plain truth abt certain details tt wld upset the person but if i do not speak, i get repeated nightmares over the issue of lying to that person... and each time i see that person i feel sick to the stomach and i m thrown into turmoil for a long long time afterwards, becos i hv to lie into that person's face abt something which i see no reason to lie... i hv agonised over this for ages in my head and written abt it in my blog... i guess trying to 'exorcise' this issue but to no avail...

wonder if anyone else here gets caught in such conundrums over truth / honesty?
9 Responses
Avatar universal
Can I comment being the parent & some traits of an aspie???

I say that all the years of parenting that MJI helped keep me on the straight & narrow.   She didn't lie...told people personal things and when people stunk...she didn't hesitate to tell them so & that meant me too....lol!  

She had such a developed sense of smell, odors bothered her.  It made for some interesting situations.  I think now at 26 she is learning the painful reality of those "little white lies"...holding back some things.  The hard thing with aspies is that it has to be taught/explained/role-played, .....as it isn't intuitive.

Something both her & I have done & I didn't realize I did it until reading about it was to tell too much to people.  In other words ...overkill.  People don't need lengthy explanations why ___ didn't come & pick up such & such or why something is being returned......  It boiled down to the honesty and all its connections.  Most people don't think to go so far....just blow it off.

907515 tn?1251727972
i guess at the end of it, if this is the way our brains are hard-wired, then this is it... i often wonder why we hv to learn to accommodate others but it is seldom tt programmes teach others to accommodate us?... i m a researcher in my own field, and i hv been very interested in my own asperger's condition hence been going at it with a voracity that can be considered scary to ordinary ppl whose longest lasting interest is a tv sitcom... but most of the books and writings are made in such a way that point out our quirks as 'defects' rather than good qualities to be emulated!

yeah, so we gotta become adept at lying... at age 44 i dont tell ppl they smell bad anymore, but i still cannot help cringing and holding my breath, and my friends tell me my facial muscles tense up and i tend to recoil... no my friends r not usually those who smell - cos i hv told them abt my hypersensitivity to smell / noise / crowd etc... but they observe me in social situations and my face tells a story even when my words do not... in parties - which nowadays i dont bother to go much to anymore - i wld take the floor and grab the show rather than hv a meltdown struggling with mingling and interaction...

but telling a lie and keeping it going in a one on one situation - now THAT is something else... i feel horribly stressed and the stress last as long as i hv to keep that lie... this time i even became physically sick - my autoimmune flared up like crazy... till now i walk with a limp becos my joints refuse to heal...

anyway, i hv told that person the truth at last... but now my stress is coming from wondering if i said it in the right way etc and is she hurt etc etc... sigh...

yes, aspies DO go on and on and on... so while going on and on is a 'bad' thing, it is also an essential thing when one is engaged in research and discovery... if everyone didn't go the length and breadth and height and depth of things, where'd humanity be? but humanity at large is not appreciative of this trait... so we hv to quench it...

u kw, i feel, at age 44, i just dont wish to make that monumental effort to engage or connect with humanity anymore... i feel as if too many years of my life has been spent trying to connect, obsessively 'learning' how to, but still remaining on the outside looking in and wondering what makes the way they connect so attractive to them?... i hv enough loyal loving friends, and some family left, i think i shd now concentrate on BEING me... and doing what i love best... turn my obsessions to what i really love... for ME... perhaps by being me, something will come out of it to give to the rest of the world... after all, there is a reason we were created unique...

thx for ur views, they r always appreciated!!!!
139792 tn?1498585650
I do not know anything about asperger's syndrome.I think there is a thin line betweem over kill and proper response.The following two techniques may be applied in certain cases.
Completing a gestalt.You do not like a smell and you want to tell hin , If you tell him your relationship will end and if you do not tell her the tension will create a knot of energy.You collect such knots throut your life.These knots expends your energy in two ways-to keep the knots intact and the enery field is reduced as the knots have taken that space.You can't tell him acually but you can tell it mentally.In case you want to slap him, you do it mentally. The point is to complete the gestalt. If practiced regularly, you may be free form these energy knots.
2: Quieting reflex(Q.R)To quiet your reflexes in uncofortable situations, Take one abdominal  breath tighten your whole body, smile and exhale.Pressing your tongue on floor of your mouth helps to tighten your self.Curling your toes and tightening your feast also helps to tighten yourself.This can be done any time you feel uncomfortable feeling. Maybe 50 tmes a day.After some practice this quietin happens automatically..This will be six -second- meditation.
907515 tn?1251727972
thank u for ur comments and suggestions. i m sure ur meditative methods r great for u and other followers, however, it is not my way. but thank u anyway. i also think that it wld be most helpful if u found out a little about asperger's before giving out advice, although i do take this as well meaning and thank u sincerely for posting a reply to my thread.
Avatar universal
this is too funny, my husband never has to worry about infidelity, i cannot tell a lie, but its also hard for me to keep a secret, when i worked the steps in EA i listed my character defects and being brutally honest was on that list, thank god i found a job where i can be truthful all day everyday, it does shock some of the patients but they get over it
Avatar universal
Mtgoat911, I am happy for you that you have a job in which you can be honest.

I am still looking. My being truthful gets me into more trouble than not, unfortunately. Part of me rebels and feels angry when I think about how the "system" is that we have to learn to lie to get by.  Being a Christian, I find myself looking upward & scratching my head as to where the "help" is that comes from the hills.  

People say they want you to be honest but when you are...."wham"..."vamoose"..."killjoy"....."weirdo"...."motormouth"...."get the h...k out of my face"..."who do you think you are?"...."time for disappearing act"....etc., etc.

We wonder why there are so many "hangups"?????  It is stressful to try figure it all out & get the timing, etc. coordinated.


Avatar universal
yeah, one of my friends was shot last week, i posted a blog about it on facebook, i understand now, but all these people were saying "why did this happen?" "who would want to kill her?" "she never harmed a fly" and i straight up stated the fact that she was a herion addict shot by a drug dealer, man did it make some people mad
looking back i can see why what i said pissed people off, but found it difficult for others to understand that it made me just as mad that people were acting clueless
907515 tn?1251727972
so sorry to hear abt ur friend, it is sad... but what u said was just truth... yes i can see how what u said pissed them off, but this often happens when bare truth is revealed... in my case, i m glad all was resolved and the person i spilled the truth to took it wonderfully well... i m glad...
Avatar universal
i have found out the hard way that there is only a few people in this lifetime that get the asper in me, as long as i suround myself with people like that i am safe
i know that if i am wrong i need to promptly admitt it and ask for forgiveness and move on
i also keep a notebook/journals in my pocketbook, at the end of the day i write down statements i made that i shouldnt or anytime i am rude or blunt to someone i write that down also, it helps me no repeat the behavior
spunky, wish you were close then we can hang out and laugh at ouselves, i will post this article a friend of mine sent me, it is written by a man who has talked openly about aspers, i believe he wrote a book, its a great way to identify with another person, i will go through my emails later
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