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My son needs me, HELP

My son just turned 6 and started full-day kindergarten.  He has been in half day preK for a couple of years.  He did fairly well in PreK, but we all knew that he had some challenges both socially and behaviorally, but it was minor and we all assumed he would outgrow it.  He is extremely bright, and with little effort learned how to count to over 1000, add, subtract, write short sentences, etc.  However, these first 2 weeks of Kindergarten have been a nightmare!  He rarely does any of his schoolwork, but rather will make loud noises like "roaring", "hissing", or just loud laughing, which disrupts the class and either results in a timeout during recess, or walking around with the counselor.  He has also thrown blocks and pencils.  When he does talk to someone at school, they say he will go on and on over strange things like the toilets leaking or the swings squeeking, and will continue on a particular subject nomatter how hard they attempt to redirect him.  I've witnessing minor signs of these behaviors at home, but nothing that isn't manageable.  They have labeled him as a "serious, serious problem" and we are now beginning the testing process to see what he may have and what to do about it.  My heart breaks for him because I know he wants to make friends, but is failing to do so due to his unpredictable behavior.  Why is he like this at school, but not at home?  Is it just because I run a pretty tight ship at home and he knows it won't work, or is there something about this new social environment that is causing him troubles that he can't control?  It seems like everyone around him right now wants to slap a label on him and give him some medicine.  Why the extreme behavior now?  Until we know exactly what's going on in his head, how do I best respond to him when he gets off the bus and tells me he had a hard day and shows me a note with all of the bad stuff that he did at school that I've never in his 6 years witnessed him doing?  I don't know whether to punish him, hug him, both?  Has anyone been in this situation of helplessness?


This discussion is related to I don't know where to begin!.
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470168 tn?1237471245
I just wanted to add, that he may be much better at home if you have things structured and down to a routine.  Although school is also a routine, it involves 'understanding' alot of verbal instructions and sequencing events and being much more independent.  Children on the spectrum can struggle with that.  The more structure and routine there is the more he will be able to comply.  Things such as a visual timetable, class instructions written down and repeated to him could help (if he is on the spectrum).
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470168 tn?1237471245
Yes, I had something similar with my son.  He was much better at home than at school.  He seemed okay at nursery (18 months - 3 years), but at 3+ years he moved to preschool and the problems started.  He began reception year at school aged 4+ and within 6 months I was called into school about his serious behavioural problems.  These included making noises (all kinds), and they were irrespective of the environment ie. whilst the teacher was talking, during school assembly etc.  He would scratch at his face, bang his head on the wall/table, get under the table and refuse to come out, roll himself up in the classroom carpet, repetitively walk up and down the class or use things in a repetitive way, he wouldn't (couldn't) follow the instructions given to the class, he wasn't socialising, or talking, or asking for help etc etc etc.
Some of the things I had seen at home to a much lesser degree.  And I knew he would have problems starting school because he did not have any of the skills needed within a classroom/social environment.  At home within the family, or on a one to one basis with other children he was okay or much better.
He was finally diagnosed as being on the autistic spectrum, sensory differences, speech disorder, auditory processing disorder.  
If you click on the Health Page icon on the top right hand corner of this page I have posted the DSM IV clinical criteria for autistic spectrum disorders and parents have posted examples of their child's behaviour.
If you don't need to medicate your child at home, then why should they ask you to at school?  It may be that he needs to be in smaller classes, or the class environment may be too busy or distracting for him, or he may have sensory differences so that certain noises, smells, visual stuff, touch etc is too much/overbearing for him or he cannot habituate to sound or touch etc so he always feels bombarded and overwhelmed with incoming sensory stuff so that he cannot concentrate.
If you feel he does have sensory issues then please post back.
Just because a child is able to speak and sometimes use speech/vocabulary way beyond their years, does not mean that they can effectively communciate with other people.  As you have said he doesn't seem to understand whether other people are interested in the things he has noticed and wants to talk about, and the fact that he is homing in on certain 'strange' things to talk about does suggest that there maybe some kind of sensory imbalance because the fact he mentions them means they are noticeable and important to him.  Does that make sense.  For example my son complains about noises I can hardly hear and sometimes cannot hear at all.  The fact that they don't bother me doesn't mean he is making it up.  If I accept that he is bothered by these things then you begin to get an understanding of how difficult it must be for him to function in a noisy, visually busy classroom environment.
If he is on the spectrum he can still be very bright and maybe way ahead of his peers in some things, but may struggle with other things typical of the diagnosis such as social communication/making friends/holding a conversation/attention and focus etc etc.
Although a diagnosis is a label, it is not something to be ashamed of and it does give your son access to support he may need in school (or even access to certain schools).  Without a diagnosis children/teachers and your son will make their own diagnosis which may include 'he is naughty/spoilt/stupid etc etc.  So, when a child/adult stands out from the crowd people always make their judgements.  So it might be better to allow the diagnosis and give him lots of information about positive role models of people with the same diagnosis etc.  As he is verbal he will able to understand what he is good at and why, and what he struggles with and why.  As he gets older he can learn ways of dealing with his difficulties.  But to do any of this you have to be made aware of what your strengths and weaknesses are.  I think it also helps to explain things to the child as things are discovered.  For example my son is tactile defensive.  So certain fabrics, eg socks/shoes hurt his feet.  He may throw a tantrum at school after PE when he is asked to put on his socks and shoes because it hurts him.  If I explain to him that my feet do not hurt when I put socks and shoes on that immediately makes him understand himself better.  Without me telling him that he may think he is going mad because no-one else seems to have these problems.  As I have talked more and more about these things with my son he has begun to explain to me how he experiences things.  And it is different and to totally different levels that I experience things.  It is almost as if we function in two separate sensory worlds.  Once I have knowledge of how his world is I can understand his behaviour and I can predict when certain things will bother him. I can also understand that although his reaction to things seems way out of proportion from my perspective, if he is experiencing things as he tells me that he is really reacting to the level he is experiencing things.  For example, if being touched softly feels like a bee sting would you sit still or would you start waving your arms about and maybe hit the person who has touched you?  When he has that information about himself he can begin to learn how to control his sensory environment and he can understand that I (and most other people) experience things differently to him.  
It is helpful to join parent support groups because you will meet other families in your situation and your son will be able to socialise with the other children.  They may not appear to be 'as good' at doing it as other kids, but they can still do it.  My son who is 7+ saw another child he knows from one of his clubs at a tourist place we were visiting.  He asking me, 'do I know him from .....' and I said 'yes'.  Then he asked me 'can I say hello to him', and I said 'of course you can'.  Also the other child, who is more severely autistic recognised my son when he spoke to him and said hello back.
But if your child is having difficulties at school then I would seriously consider moving him to another school that has more experience in whatever his difficulties are.  I personally do not see the point of medicating a child just so they stay in a certain school.  I have just recently moved my son to a different school which he will start in September.  In the UK the educational authority has a duty of care to provide a learning environment suitable to my son.  I presume there is something similar in the USA.
But you need to find out what you and your son's rights are.  If he is on the spectrum then you can contact the National Autistic Society in your country.  They have helplines and parent to parent support lines etc.  You can also get in touch with an advocacy service.  Remember you don't 'have' to agree to anything they suggest.  In some instances, if you don't medicate your child, you may be able to access better educational facilities because it is proven that your child 'cannot cope' in the present classroom environment.  So don't medicate just to save the state having to provide the level of support your child needs.
Please feel free to post again.
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325405 tn?1262290178
I have a fairly good memory of when I was young (yup, I was a trouble child).  I don't have autism, but I had a lot of sensory issues growing up... plus I'm a little bit OCD and also was diagnosed ADD in college, which I most likely had as a child as well.  

Figuring out what is setting him off will be helpful.  

I remember I frustrated my mom to no end when I was in kindergarden.  Shortly after I started, my sister was born, so there were changes at home and I felt that I was being shipped off to school because I was being replaced.  Then shortly after that the kindergarden teacher went on maternity leave and a male substitute kindergarden teacher was there for a month or so.  I remember being really freaked out.  I also remember I spent forever in the corner for something or other.  I learned how to read early, by age 4 could read by myself, so I wanted to sit in the corner and read books all the time, and not go out and bounce balls and that sort of thing.  I don't think I had any friends in the class (my two friends were my older brother and a neighbor who was one grade higher).  I just remember, my mom kept having to go in all the time for my repeated bad behaviors.  I don't think I ever threw anything or talked back.  I just remember wanting to sit and read the books.  I also didn't like the nap time and snack time.  I didn't like the snacks since my mom never served anything of the sort (my mom actually made healthy snacks like carrots and fruit and the school back then had junk like cookies or ice cream).  And I had given up naps, according to my mom, at age 2 or 3.  So, forced naptime for 30 minutes?  Why couldn't they just let me read my book quietly in the corner if I wasn't disrupting anyone?  Oh, I also remember being told how to color a picture.  That you had to color the shirt blue and the pants red.  Why couldn't I color the picture however I felt like it?  So, yes, I couldn't follow directions either.  

I had problems with conduct (not my grades... always seemed to have straight As, except the conduct grades, which luckily didn't matter... throughout school until I got to high school.  I went to a science and math magnet high school, where the teachers were more in to letting kids express their creativities and letting them learn how they learned.  I also remember a few teachers in the high school let me sit in the window sill instead of my seat or let me sit on the floor if I got too antsy.  They were more concerned with kids learning than forcing them to follow some inane rules, just to follow rules.  We were well behaved, but many of us I guess needed to have a few extra freedoms to allow our creativity to fluorish.  

Personally, I would prefer not to send my daughter (diagnosed with PDD) to public school.  Not sure if the finances will allow something else yet or not, or if a private school would be able to accomodate her special needs, but I have a couple years to figure that out.  And will have to do public developmental preschool for her speech delays and socialization because private preschool won't take her unless she's potty trained.  *sigh*

I know a lot of moms who homeschool.  My niece is homeschooled.  She's type I diabetic and has problems learning in the morning hours (blood sugar level fluctuation problems), so my sister starts her schooling later in the day.  When her blood sugar is high she can't add 2 plus 2, but when it's normal, she can do all her times tables.  She'd probably be a C student in school.  My sister also didn't trust the school nurses to stay adequately on top of measuring her blood sugar levels.

Well, not to say that homeschooling is for everyone.  Or that private school is for everyone, or even affordable for most families.  And sometimes you're stuck with public school because they're the only ones who will provide support for special needs kids (whether it's autism, verbal apraxia, dyslexia, ADHD, physical handicaps, etc).  I just remember hating school so much as a child.  So did my siblings.  I'm afraid my daughter will have problems and hate school too, though I think we'll probably give it a shot.  Who knows, she might make friends and adapt and all will be well.  I'm also kind of hoping to go back to work when the time comes.  :)

Um, well, I'm going on about lots of stuff... I know your child wants to make friends. My daughter wants friends now, or at least play mates, and she's been having some awkwardness since she has a huge delay in language.  She has the intellect of someone older, yet the verbal ability of someone much younger.  And most kids don't know sign language that she can communicate with them.  She does well with established playgroups where she knows the kids and the kids know her.  It also helps that the moms are around to help the kids interact politely and nicely.  What will it be like when she goes to school when we aren't there?  I guess probably what your son is going through.  Maybe he can get someone to be one on one with him for a short time?  Does he go out of the classroom for speech or language or occupational therapy?  Maybe the therapist can come in to his classroom and help him there?  I don't know what the public school has available.  Probably none of that.  I am guessing private school doesn't have that either unless you pay for someone yourself.  *sigh*

Good luck... keep us updated on how your son does in school... and if you/they come up with a solution!
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