All the mental ill people I've met in person have had an addiction. A compulsion toward something seems to be an instinct, for me the compulsion became about survival. I lived off the land and simplified to as close to Eden as I could. I channeled energy to drugs for awhile, but I am searching for my new obsession. I think I have found the destination in the journey. I am obsessed with being better, doing better things, being nicer, without caring about what anyone else thinks. I am obsessed with knowing I am doing my very best, wish I could do more, but this is what I got. I am amazed at how much opiates effected my mind, my feelings, and my spirit in general. I didn't know it was gonna be so hard, just one day at a time, it is seeming like a shorter and shorter recovery. Drugs are event in the past, the chapter was a little long winded, but it was a chapter none the less. I can see how I was treating mania with opiates, lots of things are getting more clear. I think everyone is crazy though, so my goal for normal is pretty loose.
I discourage anyone, but especially bipolar people to stay away from opiate use. In the hospital, I understand, but I big ole monthly bottle can swallow you up. Just My Opinion
They got me too bud. It is difficult but I am doing it. I spent part of yesterday hiding under my desk crying. Some days I am afraid to have a good day because it can instantly become too good and when I crash I crash. I take it and I understand it because even on my meds it is part of my life. The good news is that now that my mind is clear I am able to write again and that is worth more to me than all the money in the world.
I took pain pills for the first time in the year 2000. However, they didn't get out of hand until I returned from Iraq. I have been to therapy many times to work through my PTSD and bipolar plus the addiction. I just went back on the 13th of DEC and have been clean every since.
I worked on my PTSD in 2011. I worked on my bipolar in 2012. This time I worked on my codependent behaviors and I feel that if ever I had a major chance it is now. I know enough to know I know nothing and I have learned how to stop the pain. I may become manic and I may have to hide under my desk again but all of that is nothing compared to the he!! of addiction. I have been this way since I was 14 and I wouldn't change myself for anything :)
I feel the same way. At 14 I had my first real episode, went 28 years untreated. I knew I would snap someday, but held out as long as I could. I wouldn't change my past if I could, but apparently changing my future is definitely in the plan. I didn't know my addiction actually helped my bipolar. I thought I had it under control, even talked to others about not goin totally nuts in a long time. Detox changed my opinion. Opiates do suppress emotions, so they were helping, or maybe I just didn't care enough anymore. As my brain healed from addiction, the bipolar went back to levels I felt in my 20's, it took over a year off methadone to get to the nervous breakdown levels. It has all been worth it though, I too am writting again. I
I was scared to write in my 20's, I would get so wrapped up in what I was writing that it scared me. I had an A, but missed my college final for Cultural Anthropology class. I was writing about Mayan Indians, within a couple months I was living in a Guatemalan Village and confronting the military, ready to start a labor union and expose US involvement in the massacres that took place while I was there. I wrote awhile longer, after a couple of more fight or flight events. I relate a lot to fear of happiness, that is the most challenging battle sometimes. I'm just chancing it now, CBT is helping me channel my thinking. If I go manic and feel positive, I get a lot done, if I am angry, resentful, or sad, then who knows what I will do. I crash either way, but the mania can be guided some in early stages. Maybe Im illuding myself, but that's a decent illusion for me to internalize.