feelig lost and despair

[teachnz]

I know things must be okay because i am up and writing on here, but I am feeling so lost and miserable lately.....it takes every ounce of energy i have to get up and just sit up......my body hurts like crazy, I am always tired, my stomach aches, my heart breaks.....I just sit and cry.......I want to just give up and stay in bed......
yet my dh and my mother in law insist that I get up and sit in the house with them so i don't get depressed over the loss of my little girl 3 weeks ago......but I want to be depressed......I want to lay in bed with her clothes and just lay there.....just be with her......
I want to sleep and dream that when i wake up she will be beside me.....i will still be pregnant and feel her kicking.....
I am tired of the bleeding, and discharge, and the leaking breasts.... the pit in my stomach that aches knowing she is not htere.....the realization of what i lost and longed for........
I was 22 weeks pregnant and without knowing it started contracting, and within hours of the pain my water broke and my little girl was delivering herself......I thought I just had bad cramping and constipation and was trying to force myself to take a bowel movement when she came... after being rushed to the hospital I was emergency operated on and given a blood transfusion and DNC within hours of her delivery......
now besides the emotional pain of losing my little girl.....the grief...the questions...the pain....my body physically hurts all the time.....my heart hurts both literally and figuratively......I have panic attacks and nightmares....I suffered and infection and am still fighting anemia.......
I just want to give it all up.......but I do not want my dh to suffer the loss of both our little girl and me......while I would never harm myself physically.....I just want to shell myself away and just let the world go by while I do nothing and try to rest.....try to cope.....try to heal......
am I selfish for not wanting to go to game night, not wanting visitors and not wanting to do anything other than be by meself with my misery........am I overreacting.......
no one wants to listen as i try to talk about what i am feeling, or how hard it really is for me to just sit and listen to them talk and go on with life.......and I have no desire to moove on yet......
any help?

[babyhope8]

I am so sorry for your loss....I know exactly what you are going through... so many questions with no answers…. I loss my little boy at 21 weeks in Oct of last year. What you are feeling is absolutely normal. I had nightmares too I always woke up in the middle of the night crying my husband would hung me until I felt asleep again…..I woke up hoping it was just a nightmare but it was reality hitting me in the face day after day….don’t lose hope it is hard but I will tell you what my mom told me God never gives us something we will not be able to handle. It is very hard try not to be alone…for me talking about it having friends and family around helped me accept what had happend……don’t let yourself go it is not going to change anything there is nothing we can do to change what has happen. Try to look at all the positive things you have in your life; your family, husband…..try to stay positive only time and the support of your love ones will help you heal and accept things.......Ana

[smr08]

I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. Reading your post brought me back in time. I remember all to well the devastation I felt after loosing my son. I wanted to shelter myself, but yet I was afraid to be alone. I wanted to cry my eyes out , but then scream at the world, I totally lost faith and questioned God all the time, how could he do this to me. My emotions were all over the place that I feared I would never be "normal" again. Then I realized, I am normal, what kind of person would I be if I didn't feel all of these emotions?? I just needed to embrace them and work through it, it took a while before I started feeling like me and started becoming part of the real world again, but it did happen. It has been a little over a year since I lost my sweet Salvatore, and not a day goes by that I don't think about him and long to hold him one last time, my heart will always ache for him, but he has given me a strength that I never knew I had, and it helps me to move forward in memory of him. My best advice to you is take the time you need to grieve and if you get so overwhelmed by it call your Dr., talk to your husband, someone from your church, close friend etc. keeping it bottled up will only make it fester. Sweetie, you are not alone and if there is anything I can do to help you please feel free to message me, having been in your shoes my heart breaks for you. Sending you peace and strength........Lori

[bam1014]

Here's another good website:

http://pregnancyloss.info/

And I compeletly agree with Dana, the fact that you are able to talk about it here, is a great step forward.

[bam1014]

You have absolutely every right to be sad, depressed, angry, etc.  You've suffered a terrible loss and it will take some time for the hole in your heart to lessen some.

But it is important for you not to shut out your husband, your family, your life.  I know that everything must seem so confusing to you and nothing makes sense, but it WILL get better.  The hurt will never leave, but it WILL lessen.

That being said, if you feel that your feelings are getting to be too intense, by all means go see your doctor!  I suffered from severe depression throughout my late teens and early 20's.  It is very easy to fall into that dark hole, and not be able to find a way out.  Before it gets too bad, please make sure you talk to your doctor, even seeing a therapist could be of great help to you.  Grieving is a normal process of life, but you have to make sure that you continue to live your life and not let it eat you up inside.

God bless, and know that I'm reaching out to you right now, giving you a big hug!

[DMarie919]

Oh honey: I am so sorry you are feeling this way but yes, you are completely normal and I don't think it's fair for anyone to "rush" you through your grieving process.  Its only been a few short weeks and in that time you have had SO many changes in your life that you didn't plan on and it is shocking to your system both physically and emotionally.  You need to take the time you need.  I would say that if you felt like this after a month or two that maybe you should seek some counseling or talk to your dr. but for now, cry, scream, let it out.....these things will help you heal.  And the fact that you are talking about it here is progress also.

You may also be going through some postpartum depression type stuff that is normal part of the hormones that go along with birth, etc....it's crazy but even with miscarriages you still have the hormone changes that can cause you to feel really emotional and the fact that you have the loss on top of it does not help.  It is completely okay to seek your drs advice on this and they can help you seek help whether it be medications or otherwise.

When you feel ready you may want to put together some things to memorialize your baby.  Did you have a funeral or anything?  Sometimes arranging a little service with your family might be helpful.  I bought a photo box and I put momentos in it like sympathy cards, ultrasound photos, dried flowers, etc so I have that to remember my baby.  You could put some of her items in there.  You could write her a letter to tell her how much you love her and miss her.  

Here are some websites I also found helpful:

http://www.nationalshare.org (you can sign up to get a really nice newsletter they put out every other month...it's really great)

labelledame.com (for pregnancy loss memorial jewelry, and other links to resources)

Some music that I've liked to help ease the pain:

Glory Baby by Watermark
Somewhere down the Road by Amy Grant
Still by Gilbert Hofsink  

A book I have enjoyed:

Grieving the Child I never Knew by Kathe Wunnenberg

I hope this helps.  I hope that you can find refuge here as you progress through your grief journey.....*HUGS*