Alone, confused.

[Kate111222]

Hello moody friends,

I am here to tell a little about myself because I'm confused and don't really have many people to talk to except my significant other. I don't have many close friends. I recently started seeing a psychologist because of my action towards my boyfriend afraid I was going to lose him. In the first session she diagnosed me basically with bipolar. I'm having a psych evaluation in January 6th. Needless to say this news wasn't very shocking but it's still hard to swallow. I can't say I'm 100% convinced I have bipolar or maybe it's denial. I'm looking for a group or advice on pretty much everything with moods. I don't like my psychologist too much.

For years I have struggled with anger, jealousy, and rage. (At the time I didn't know what was happening to me was rage). The rage follows with an overwhelming feeling of guilt, worthlessness and depression. (Whoa as me.) I don't recall ever dealing with mania or hypomanic episodes until my early twenties, heightened when I drink. Currently when I'm manic it's your standard symptoms I guess... Pressured speech, irritability, never ending talking, calling people impulsively, making plans, writing down weird things, speeding and so on. The worst is my rage. I broke a glass vase a few nights ago for pretty much no reason and completely went into a fog. This scares the hell out of me.  This demon inside of me is ruining my relationship, my work life, and my bank account. I am constantly going from 0-10+ in less than 2 seconds. It's getting worse everyday and the last thing I want is to end up in a mental hospital. Or jail for that matter. My rage mainly stays in my house but I don't want it there either.

I do talk to my boyfriend about things and how I feel it takes control of me, but I don't feel like he understands and I'm starting to think (as always) that he thinks this is me. I was a different person when we met a year ago. I basically don't understand how bipolar disorder can creep up and show its ugly face one day. I really don't want meds. I'm feeling somewhat normal the past few days but am depressed. I don't understand how I can feel normal and then like a light switch I'm so angry I could break everything in sight?! I'd love feedback. Thanks guys and girls!

Kate

[007Bunny]

Kate I know, side effects look horrible. But bipolar as well. Bipolar can easily kill us. Side effects probably not. I can't say much about side effects as I am years on Citalopram - and got manic from it. And I just started on Lamictal a couple of weeks ago so it is very low dosage - the start has to be slow to avoid side effects. Many people are fine on Lithium and many are fine on some coctail of meds. I think it is really hard to do meds right and it takes some time - I think I will be on 'working' dosage in 4 months or so. It is all scary at the beginning. I was confused and just thought it can't be right. I started to read more and more about BP and it fits perfectly. Denial is not helpful. I defo don't want to get back to my deep depressions and rages. I will try anything to get rid of it. I will be always BP but under control. And I hope that won't lose my fast brain and creativity. All the best Kate - it is hard but doable. Xxx

[weaver71]

I was afraid too, I don't trust doctors very daily. I really did my research and found one I like. The meds are taking time to adjust to, but it's easier than adjusting to bipolar consequences. I refused meds for 28 years, tried all the natural ways, and finally had a psychotic breakdown. Before meds life was like throwing dice. I got pretty good at channeling my energy. I would feel mania coming and pick a project or goal and put 1000% into that one thing. I dug up the whole yard for irrigation I couldn't afford, but I avoided anger, for example. I split fire wood or anything to stay focused on a constructive train of thought. Doesn't always work, but sometimes it does. Picking a task before the mood takes over is the trick that takes me practice. Keep searching for your solutions and try not to obsess on the negative, that helps me anyway. Glad you are here, safety in numbers is a real thing.

[Kate111222]

Bunny I had many problems in relationships with my anger I think my biggest trigger is jealousy associated with my paranoid delusions. I never knew what I was thinking was a delusion. I thought it was real. I catch myself doin it with my current boyfriend and he said lately he doesn't know how to act around me afraid I'm going to flip out on him. I hate it! He's dealing with a lot, but so am I and this isn't easy. I don't wish this illness in anyone I wish my brain would shut up an I could keep my mouth shut. As soon as I get angry my heart starts pounding, my face gets hott, adrenaline going, and I just start yelling about nothing and throwing things and slamming things. I feel like I'm a toddler. I'm strongly considering meds but the side effects sound terrible?

[Kate111222]

Hi Pamela thank you for you response. I did not know about groups for mental illness. Or forums for that matter until now. I feel what you are going through and I hope I can get to that point of accepting and treating my illness. Bipolar is a scary word and I never even thought I could possibly have it until I started reading stories. After reading just a few paragraphs and responses to my forum I feel a little less alone and am already understanding the disease a little bit more especially with the rage. Thanks Pamela.

[007Bunny]

Kate my neighbours saying crazy is new normal. Lol one has OCD - really a bad one, another one is on antidepressants since her husband died of cancer many years ago. Frind of mine suffers as well and her very young daughter tried to overdose recently. There are many of us. Only ppl are ashamed to talk about it. It can be fixed. It obviously takes some time to find rhe right meds but many ppl out there are stable and have it under control. To speak to people with similar condition is a relieve. There is a fab page on FB Being bipolar and also great series on You Tube. X

[Kate111222]

Yes I do believe it is definitely a mixed state. Another person commented about mania manifesting to anger and it turned a light on in my brain. This morning I'm talkative I got 5 hours of sleep and feel brand new. Last night didn't even move for like 5 hours except to smoke.  Who knows in an hour? Eventually I will embrace my mental illness especially with all of te feedback here! ( you guys are great) and I can't believe there are so many people out there struggling and dealing with this illness. I'm happy I found this forum through my app.

[007Bunny]

Hi Kate,
Yup, I know what you are talking about. My ex always said that I am like a fire. Very often irritable, angry, shouting, raging for no or very little reason. And than depressed. In last two years it escalated into states when I couldn't talk, lost memory and after such crash I simply do not remember anything. I usually go to sleep so I spent about third of my year in bed unable to function normally. On the top of it I have to pretend that I am ok as I have 6 years old son. I was also very surprisec when gound out that mania can be not only happy one but a pretty nasty one. My antidepressants ( mistakenly diagnosed for years with depression!) got me this summer into happy manic state. Gosh, I slept 4 hours a day, worked all the time - knowing that it won't last and the crash will come.
I found on my own that I am bipolar - from all the info in the internet. It makes sense to me. I started now on Lamictal and I hope it will work. I don't see any problem to take meds for mental illness as I want to get better. Secondly you wouldn't think about refusing to take meds for diabetes, heart cobdition or so, would you?
You have loads of thinking in front of you. All the best.

[CRSeaside]

Hi Kate. In the USA, in major cities DBSA has free Group Support Groups. I belong to a support group in CA. It's great,I really came to terms with the Bipolar disorder, once I was able to meet lots of other people & share story's.
however Kate,right now I belong to this Forum Bipolar Disorder here on MedHelp. It's my new online support Group. You may take as little or a whole lot from the other members. They are great. Like you, I struggled with the diagnosis. I knew I was depressed. I knew I was crazy w weird energy too. It could be the old words for Bipolar--Manic Depressive did not sound so bad.Its the same diagnosis though. Welcome Kate. My name is Pamela.

[ILADVOCATE]

  I have that concern as well and often when mania is associated
with anger and irritability this can be part of what is called an agitated mixed state. This has the down aspect of depression but the sped up quality of mania. Some medications work better on mixed states than others. However only a psychiatrist would understand the clinical specifics but you could discuss this with them.

[Kate111222]

Thank you for the response I never associated my mania with anger and it would explain a lot, I thought I was just easily angered. Take care

[weaver71]

It sounds to me like sometimes your mania manifests as anger, sometimes the other symptoms you listed. I know I am manic if I am angry, but boy always angry when I'm manic. I am not angry by nature,'but it comes out with mania, add alcohol, I am a maniac. I say look for a new psych if this one don't jive with you. If you are bipolar and it's has a negative effect on your life, there are meds to help you manage. I am just learning to have a balanced mind, but wanted to say hi, I understand how you feel in my own way.