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Bipolar Disorder Community
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Avatar universal

Am I on the process of becoming mentally ill? or already I am?

I am 18 year old guy and im studying in univ, and recently i've started to feel like im having mental problem, i have anxiety disorder, i worry about simple thing too much, for example i just completed a quiz on one of my course, and i know that i already score full mark on it, the tutor showed all the students their mark, but i still have this feeling of "how much do i get?", it wont go away until i see my mark for the second time. I have this problem since i was a little kid, for example I couldn't stop counting how many toys i have even though its never less nor more.

I've been known to have multiple personality disorder, i am usually a very quiet guy, but at the other time i can be real loud and even wild.

Many times when anyone talked to me i responded weirdly, i say things that isn't related to what they r talking about. And sometimes i just go "blank" and dont know what to respond with, even though its only simple thing, so i just say "okay oh i see".

For many times I get sudden anger for no apparent reason, the anger is so strong i feel like murdering anyone around me, i dont care if it is someone close to me, luckily i havent done any attempt of murdering anyone, yet, im really afraid if started any attempt to do so.

Right now Im having problem with my bro and I just cant get over with it, I even have a thought of hitting his head with something heavy, or even stab him with knife, i dont care if he will die or not, as long as my anger is released...

I masturbated in weird place such as old abandoned truck, i dont know if thats normal kind of fetish or maybe im really a weird guy, I even wanted to masturbate in old abandoned house, but i never tried it.

I even have this feeling of someday if i get into a fight with someone i will bite their skin off, tore them apart, and eat them alive, even if it is only a little fight. i've always wanted to release this rage, im afraid i will really release it once i fight with someone, because i will end up killing that person in a nasty way.

the worst thing is i have a 4 year old sister, i love her and will never do anything to hurt her! Im really afraid once i get angry i do something horrible to her.... when she was younger i used to be really harsh on her, i screamed very loud on her whenever she **** me off, then I got into fight with my mom, its horrible and i feel horribly guilty about it.

A lot of time i get really depressed and think of suicide, but i never tried any attempt to end my life, i tried cutting myself but i cant, i only cause a tiny wound, but nothing life threatening, because i cant..

I have this taste of wearing the straight jacket used for the mentally ill someday, i even wish i have to wear it someday.. i dont know if thats normal, but i started to wish im one of those mentally ill who will wear straight jacket someday...! maybe its just a crazy thought, but i really dont know why i wished for things like that... i mean, is it normal to wish you were mentally ill?

I forget things a lot, i always have this thought of "okay i will do it once i get home", but then i completely forget about it, then i remembered i havent done it yet after a week or so..is that normal for an 18 year old? I dont drink a lot and i dont do drugs.

I know this is a lot for you to read, but this isn't everything i have in my mind, there is a lot more, but your suggestion is greatly appreciated..

Thank you...
8 Responses
574118 tn?1305138884
see you posted thrice.
it could be ocd nobody i said can tell
Avatar universal
hi there thank you for you response on the other thread, i dont mean to post 3 times but im having hard times with my connection so i had to refresh the page 3 times without knowing the question is posted already, how do i delete these extra question? i dont mean to spam whatsoever.
Avatar universal
hi some of your activities are normal you are 18yrs old at your  sexual peak ( it's all down hill after 20?), your hormoins are wrking over time do some exersise, jogging if nothing else, join a club play football.  go and see a counseler, have anger management throuh univercity. you can get loads of help. but i,d start at seeing a counseler. take care lynn
585414 tn?1288944902
Some of what you are describing sounds destructive and out of hand so regardless it would be worth speaking to a psychiatrist. Myself in having a full recovery from schizoaffective disorder (read through my posts) before recovery did have destructive urges such as you described. They could be potentially be psychotic though only a psychiatrist can provide a diagnosis but there are many more common possibilities than dissociative identity disorder (the correct name for multiple personality disorder) and all very treatable. Best to speak to someone soon if you feel out of control regardless.
Avatar universal
dude...i know exactly what you're talking about..only i'm 17..
Avatar universal
Your level of anger worries me. I think you need to contact a psychiatrist as soon as you can. If your thoughts of hurting someone or homicidal thoughts come back you need to go to the ER for hospitalization. You don't want to do something that you will regret or that will change your life forever.... not to mention someone else's life.
2190589 tn?1338274586
I started going through something similar when I was about 17 - 18. I was under a lot of stress and I believe that my bipolar disorder started showing itself at that time as well. Just know that you are NOT crazy. The fact that you can come out with this and be honest with yourself proves that you are mentally healthy enough to realize the destructive and negative behaviors/thoughts you are experiencing.

Just try to hang in there. Get to a psychiatrist and therapist and work on some CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) and if it's needed, medication therapy/management. I wish you all the best!
2010625 tn?1329375656
I agree with everyone else with all your anger and violent thoughts you should seek help as soon as possible. Since you have thoughts of hurting other people you may need hospitalization.
I think the violent thoughts may be a psychotic symptom. I had a simmilar experiance with weird thoughts. I was deathly scared of anything that could be potentially dangerous, glass, knives, riding in a car because of the possibility of getting in a wreck. When I had this anxiety about these things I would have these possible deadly accidents play out in my head like I had a vision of them happening. It was like a horror story playing out in my head. I would see myself in these visions hurting people on accident and on purpose. I talked to my psychatris about it and she said it was a psychotic symptom.
I am on risperdal it is an anti psychotic medication and it helps alot. All what I described was going on during a manic episode. I am not a doctor so I cannot give you a diagnosis, but it sounds like to me that you have some major problems going on that need some immediate medical attention. Good luck to you I hope you get some help soon.
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