Angry/hurt/confused/scared

[tres1965]

My 16 yr. old was/has previously been diagnosed as BP. She has a horrid temper & when she wants to be can be quite a bully with me. She has decided that SHE isn't BP, that it was me talking to the DRS that made people think she was. As a small child she was almost uncontrollable, as a teenager she is GREAT around friends of hers, but if it doesn't benefit her she reverts to bad behavior. I'm at a turning point in life with her. I don't know what to do next? She can be a great kid, when she wants. She is my everything, but, I'm getting very tired. She doesn't mind me, she has been physical to me more than once, she punches holes in doors, bites her hand to stop herself from losing it. She is RUDE to everyone BUT her friends. She runs around with a GREAT group of friends though, very sweet & they adore me b/c I listen....But my own Daughter I can't control anymore. Don't get me wrong, I am NOT some wishy/washy kind of person. I have my own faults. BUT, that is no excuse for her behavior & disrespect. I am scared of what is happening. Of my own child. What to do? Input would be appreciated...THX,  Tres

[Peach803]

Well, I'm back...I read some of the other posts...a 5150 is a court-ordered 72 hour hold in a mental evaluation facility, it's a 'cooling down' time thatgives them 'a look' at what could be.  How doI know this...because I had it done to my second husband [the idiot i left her and LA for...and there was a prison issue with him too...I understand a LOT about your 'history/saga'.  The idiot was 15 years my junior...fun, but it wore VERY thin, and I was dumb enough to join him in stuff, that I had done in my "hey day"....LONG ago, like "when Jesus was a child" long ago.  So, dat's what dat is!  Hang girl...it'll be OK.

[Peach803]

Dear Girl...don't give up!  It sounds like she is your ONLY child...my daughter is an only child.  When she got to be almost 16...I LEFT, because I WAS STUPID!!!!!  I met this idiot guy, and left LA [which was my home for 22 years...still think of it that way...but life throws curves].  At any rate, she and I were like attached at the hip, he Dady walked out when she was 18 months old.  I came back to Arkansas with my baby [where I was raised] for like six months or so, but God works in ways we can't explain...my Dad had been suffering for years with Emphysema, also had Prostate Cancer, but it was the Emphysema that ended his life.

I was SO glad that I/we got to spend that time with him, while he still 'looked' pretty OK.  It gave Nicole [my girl] at least some vague memory of him [she was 2 by then].  I was helping my Mom redecorate the house, so it occupied my 'muddled mind', so I took the baby today care, it gave her a chance to play with kids, and when it was about time for me to go pick her up, Daddy would look at me, look at the clock, and get a stick of gum and put into his pocket, knowing that this little darling "Grandbaby" would jump in his lap to 'find her gum'...he loved it.  A sweet memory.

I went back to LA, got a good job, and life went forward.  My ex-husband is a lawyer, and was always good about support, just not good about being 'present' for her...that's all changed now, they have, actually a better relationship now than she and I do, but it's all good.  Her Dand and I have remained friends, I love his wife, it's good.

She is now 33, married a GREAT guy [second marriage...and the one that counts], and has moved to Dallas, which I love, because I can drive that in like 4 1/2 hours.  They're building a home, which is about finished, move in next month, trying to make babies...I'm happy, she's happy.

Your daughter is going through the 'selfish' part of her growing years, that will pass, but you HAVE to take care of yourself.  She CANNOT be allowed to mistreat you.  Tell her she'll go the jail the next time she abuses you...if not for anything else tan to scare the hell out of her.  The mother/daughter bond is one that NOBODY understands, except the two of you.  It runs DEEP into your soul, it's just 'hard-wired' into us.  It's a precious relationship, that will turn out well...it may not seem so now, but it will.  Take care of yo, and her, it'll be worth it. God Bless, Hugs to you

[LeftCoastChick]

She really sounds like she is Borderline Pers. Disorder, teens can be extremely manipulative, violent, unpredictable, threatening amongst other things. Most police dept's, have a special unit that deals with psychiatric crisis,  I worked for 911 in my town, and there is a whole unit to deal with folks in crisis.  Many folks, out of love, let their BPD kids control the home environment unwittingly. If she is violent, she needs to be removed from the home, being in a hospital environment would be safe for YOU. BPD can be very hard to treat, especially with non-compliance of meds,she might being wiling to work with a program, but I wouldn't expect miracles Regardless she needs to be removed from the home. You wouldn't put up with spousal abuse, neither should you with your kids.
I wish you much luck.

[tres1965]

update...
The psych. called & referred her 2 places here locally.
I sat her down & calmly explainld the way it would HAVE to be  OR she was getting put inpatient for as long as it took.
Needless to say she was petrified. The real test will be when she blows her top. I can't take the physical abuse with my health. She usually is very helpful.
The psych. said they would explain 'meds' when she came in. Either for the next appointment, or going inpatient...
Thank you for caring! Tres

[cheeklollipop]

Reading your post about your daughter reminds me of me when i was younger. I found it so hard to control my feels and what was going on in my head. I was so confused. I also expereinced rage Id throw things at my mum, Chased my sister around the house with a knife because i lost my temper, Stolen money from family member to buy weed, kick holes in doors, run away, tell my mum i hated her and i wanted her dead i would also treat prev boyfriends like this too  i didnt know if i was coming or going. I was always up and down and my parents had no idea what was wrong with me. (I wasnt diagnosed with bipolar II till i was 23)  I was about 12-13 when my moods began to change enough for people to notice. I myself have never been hospitalized but i do believ that when i was younger i should of been rather than battling through for 10 years .
Maybe the best thing for your daughter is to be temporarily hospitalized.
Take care

[monkeyc]

Oh tres.. Sigh.

I truly do not know what to say but i agree with letab - you cant pretend with BP, its damn hard.

She sounds BPD to me which fits the sociopathic behaviour as well - bipolar is a mood disorder and when peoples entire personalities switch I tend to think of BPD more.

[LetaB]

  Tres, I just want you to think about something that's been preying on my mind since you first wrote how she had two different faces. You can't be normal just because you want to when you're BP. My son was prince charming and soooo polite. Even when his grades plummeted all his teachers liked him...then he'd come home and be his real self. Only after he was out of the house did I find out he is what is termed a charasmatic sociopath.  I'm not suggesting that is what is wrong with your daughter but it seems unusual to me that she can turn it off and on like that.

[tres1965]

I really appreciate you guys help..this is the one place I feel 'safe' to talk about things that most people would assume were not deemed correct. I can't sleep, this has my last nerve frazzled. I wrote a note & put it on the bathroom mirror to my Daughter telling her how special she is, & how loved she is. I am hoping she will try harder.
Grades, yes she is a brainiac child.She always has been, luckily. She shows the upmost respect to all teachers &  her friends parents, etc.
But, say 1 thing wrong, don't let her have her way, or get something she wants she becomes the teenager from hell.
I wish that she was small again & all the problems could be solved by a kiss on the boo-boo & a cookie!
This mental illness we have is SO hard. I just wish & pray that one day all of us find that inner peace, & rest, you know?
I'm rambling, sorry! I just don't know what the answer is...?

[LetaB]

  I was really never talking about "prison". Nothing Tres has stated would lead me to believe that that would be the outcome for her daughter. I've had to call the police before about violence by my oldest son. They came, scared me son, talked to us for a while, took notes and then asked me if I wanted to press charges. Because it was the first time and not that severe I chose not to but even if I had they would have listed the offence as perpetrated by a minor and the word "prison" would not come up

[ILADVOCATE]

Yes that's what I mean. Prisons can be very abusive places. Obviously, if someone is in the category (I'll reserve judgment here) of "dangerous to themselves or others" then they need to be hospitalized but psychiatric hospitals are the place to deal with these sort of incidences. Prisons don't provide proper mental health treatment and abuses have been documented and people come out of there in worse shape. At a psychiatric hospital they don't have fixed sentences and provide medication adjustment and treatment and a person is not released until they are stabilized. If they have gotten to this point that is the place they belong. I didn't say violent or destructive behavior was acceptable just that the criminal justice system might not put them in a place that actually helps them stabilize as well as stay out of trouble.

[LetaB]

Oh, and the 5150 is the law that gets a person taken into a psychiatric facility for observation when they appear to be dangerous to themselves or someone else.

[LetaB]

  As long as you have a good case and your daughter doesn't fight it ( my son's case was a done deal and he was bright enough to realize that so he didn't try to fight it) there is no court. At least in my state. My son grabbed me ny the arm once but he was bigger than me, I was a single parent, he blew up and became verbally abusive one afternoon when he realized the gig was up and I wrote it all down, he was smoking pot and had stopped going to school with a year to go. That was enough to get him removed from my home. I'm just saying that this is a last resort but that it's good to know it's out there. Please do call her psychiatrist tomorrow and tell him everything you've told us. She has a full scholorship so that says that there is a more reasonable and controled side to her. It's always true that we only hurt those we love - because we can get away with it. I know you're doing the best you can, Tres and will make the right choice but know what you may be up against what your rights are as a human being.

[tres1965]

I hate the thought of my Daughter going into court, but maybe it would scare some sense in her? Leta,  what's a 5150? I am willing to do ANYTHING to help her. She is so messed up inside. The only time she is happy is when she has that group of friends around, & even then she is rude to me. I've raised her by myself since she was 8 & I  had to move out of state to get peace of mind for us. I agree she needs therapy & meds & the whole 9 yards, I have excellent insurance so money isn't an issue. She has a full schloraship already if she doesn't mess it up...Thanksgiving she hit me more than 1 & we couldn't even go to our friends dinner she was so awful. She has cussed & been horrible to my Dad, who is the nicest man in the world. I am going to call her psych. in the A>M> & ask what to do? Especially about the meds & her anger..  

[tres1965]

Thank you both for replying. This last vacation was the straw that broke the camels back for me & her & her 2 Brothers. See, she is by 1 Dad & the boys are from another. The boys & she were sexually abused by HER Dad. (he's in prison). She has refused any sort of therapy consistentally. We started therapy at age 8 & she has YET to say 1 word to any therapist, even the ones that have came to the house. I was thrilled when she agreed to join the ranks in medication, but this is the 3rd time she has went off it cold turkey, & without my knowledge. She now claims she HAS no problem that I am the crazy one..Which is true *L*, but I get a check for that every month! *L*..She won't sleep this last week, her temper is escalating. I've had to put her in-patient 1 before b/c she stopped eating at age 8. They had such a problem with her temper they put her in a room with nothing in it 'till she could behave. So, she knows of that & still can't help herself...*sigh*

[LetaB]

  Oh, I completely disagree! Tres needs to do what she has to do for her own sake and for the sake of what is right! The police are educated about unstable mental conditons, after all, who do you think makes up the majority of the prison inmate population? I still recomend that she either call the police to draw a line or go to her local court and file for 5150 psychiatric hold on her daughter if she ever gets physical with her mother again. I've been in this sort of mess and I know what I'm talking about. As long as she can blame all her issues on her mother she will not deal with her own condition. I have found that getting these sorts of teens into a position where they don't have anyone to use anymore (speaking for myself) is the best prescription for a self examination of the disinterested mentally challenged.

[ILADVOCATE]

Sounds like the bipolar isn't being treated as well as it could or there are other issues if it spirals into episodes of violence. I wouldn't accept it but because its psychiatric the police are not the right option. She may not be able to control it and she needs help. Speak to her psychiatriat and ask them for their reccomendations and what else might be wrong and if they suggest that to adjust things she might need to be temporarily hospitalized its a better option than using law enforcement who often don't understand psychiatric issues and it might help her adjust things so this behavior didn't occur to begin with. Just make sure if that's what you decide not to present medication or hospitalization in an intimidating manner although that's what she may need. Just think that she can't help herself and if things were adjusted she wouldn't do it. There are misbehaved kids who need to be straightened out but I'd say there's much more going on here.

[LetaB]

  You have a very difficult decision to make and I completely empathize with you. My oldest son was very different than your daughter and was diagnosed with many things but what they have in common is they became unreachable. Right? My teenage son would always do exactly what he wanted. He was taken to many psycologists and was diagnosed with many things but he believed none of it. I was the crazy one. He'd sugar coat it and lie like a dog but after he quit school (with an I.Q. of 165) at age 17 and stayed home all day smoking pot and threatening his young brothers I felt I had done everything in my power to help him. I went to court and filed to have him removed from my home. I cried a million tears before reaching this conclusion but in my case I had other children as well as my own sanity to consider. I'm not suggesting this is what you have to do but you need to stop thinking of her as your child and start thinking more abjectively. All of these violent actions she's perpetrated are grounds for either assault or property damage. She knows she has it made and will continue to take advantage of you until YOU do something she's not expecting. Call the police next time. Are you ready to be proactive or will you remain a victim?