This is literally my life. I get so paranoid that what if I actually don't love him and just think I do and then try to leave because it's not fair on him and then can't because something deep inside stops me so then I think maybe I do love him. I'm always so confused about how I feel and thought I was going insane so I'm so glad that there are other people like me, thank you. I will try the things the others have mentioned and I'm seeing a therapist for post traumatic stress, but my friend thinks I could be bipolar. Can I ask if you are and what you feel if you are?
I've felt that journalling has helped me soo much. In fact, I think it saved my life at least once. I never want to feel like that ever again.
Glad you started journaling and you've made the decision to go back to your psychologist :) From your post it really sounds like you've gained a lot of self-knowledge into what's going on with you. What's most important is that you're openminded to finding a better way to live and to learning more about yourself. That's one of the keys to success. I'm glad our words could help you. I hope you keep us posted and let us know how you're doing!
Feeling much calmer today and regretting the ugly and hateful things I said in anger yesterday. Thanks Sara and Lindahand for your advice.
It's like a bad wave of feelings hits me and I pick a (seemingly) credible target to use as the reason I feel so awful. While in the midst of a the bad episode, the thought distortion makes my reaction to a given issue seem completely appropriate and rational. However once it passes, I know it wasn't. Sara, black and white describes it perfectly!
Lindahand, writing a letter to yourself is a great idea. Earlier this week I started to journal using this website so that I can maybe spot this oncoming disaster before it hits next time. I was seeing a Psychologist for 2 months but I decided to quit after the holidays becaues of the cost and feeling like it was unproductive. Guess I was wrong on the second point.. Leery of Psychiatrists because I have no interest in taking prescription medications and am worried about suicide risk inherent with many drugs.
My fiance has been living with me (and my personal hell) for over 14 years now. He wants me to go back to the Psychologist and says it's worth the money. I will see her next week.
I find journaling also helps. Once it is written down sometimes it is easy to see what is going on. I've also heard of people writing letters to themselves while they are well to read when they want to do something extreme like run away from home. It is easier to listen to yourself than anyone else. Another thing is to go and tell your psychiatrist what is going on, and if you don't have a psychiatrist you may want to consider getting one.
You just got advice from Sara money can't buy. From all the research I have done with bi-polar (because I am supposedly bi-polar), what she just said sounds spot on.
Sara, that was excellent, I can learn a lot from you.
What I found to be true is that all strong or exaggerated feelings will pass more quickly than ones you trully feel or are a part of you. For instance, if a drunk driver hits you while you're driving, at first you may be extremely angry and want to guy to do serious time in jail and be punished. But after a couple of weeks, when the damage to your car is fixed, and you've had some time to cool down, you may start to feel a little sorry for the drunk man, knowing that he's been taken away from his family and just has a serious problem with alcohol, like so many other people, and possibly deserves some forgiveness and just needs help with his alcoholism, buut he doesn't desvere to spend the rest of his life in jail. However, when it come to relationships, that can be a little more tricky. What you're describing makes me think that you're experiencing some confusion, along with possible bipolar issues as well. Do you really know how you feel about this man when your not in the midst of a bipolar flare up? That may be an issue that you can talk about during therapy. Do other feelings affect how you feel about him? For instance, if your life is not going so great and you had a bad day, does that make you feel like you hate this guy? Or when your life is going great and you had a good day, does that make you love him even more? In other words, is your love for him situational only? Only you can figure this out, and your therapist may be able to help. But tips to identify realistic vs. unrealistic feelings: 1. Is the feeling situational (i.e. did something just happen to make you feel this way. That could be a clue this feeling is exaggerated at this time and will eventually level out or pass). 2. Did this feeling come out of no where? That could be a clue this is a bipolar issue. 3. Is the feeling realistic for the situation just experienced? For instance, it's normal to be extremely sad if someone just died, but not normal if you lost a tube of lipstick. 4. Are the feelings you have towards something black and white? In other words opposite, like in the case of your boyfriend. That's a clue to bipolar feelings. Hope that helps. Good luck and keep us posted on how it's going!