Bipolar Disorder Community
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202665 tn?1248810333

BP & Sexual Promiscuity

Please understan that I am not trying to use BP as an excuse, but for anyone that has been affected by this side of BP, I'd really like to hear your thoughts.  I've had a history of sexual promiscuity over the past 20 years - either emotional or physical.  Until recently diagnosed with severe depression and then BP, and until I started really - daily - tracking what's going on with me, did I give this pattern any thought.  Needless to say it has ruined a marriage and relationships and has been the catalyst for many suicidal thoughts.

The pattern has been when I get into a depressed place I turn for "comfort" to someone I want to believe can help...unfortunately it has not been the person I should be turning to like my spouse.  These actions are not planned or premediated, but more of an action of opportunity and desperation.  It is absolutely not a reflection of my love for my spouse..it's just a reaction...something I can't explain nor excuse.  I have always been extremely sorry for my actions after the fact...and part of my depression now is that I can not forgive myself for the things i've done and the people i've hurt.

So the questions I would ask:
. How do you forgive yourself for this behavior?
. How do you "bend" this emotion/reaction to where you turn to the right person?
. Past history has repeated itself so many times that even though I know it is wrong, i'm scared of being in any relationship for fear of this happening again.  What do i do with that?

As always to the folks here who have helped me get a handle on this relatively new diagnosis, your thoughts are appreciated.
39 Responses
607502 tn?1288251140
Sexual Promiscuity is a bipolar behaviour, along with risk taking, gambling, binge spending and a host of other things.

Have you spoken to your therapist about this?  Its an issue that responds well to therapy I think, its not one of my behaviours but I have others.

As for forgiveness the first step is acceptance and stopping blame - too often we blame ourselves for things outside of our control and we spend a lot of time beating ourselves up over things we cannot prevent.

I think the first thing you need to do is take a deep breath and accept that this happened and you need help and then ask for it.  As to telling your spouse, its going to be a time thin - until you understand yourself this is something which you need to place to the side a bit - telling your spouse now at this stage would I suspect damage or destroy a relationship when you are at a fragile place.

Definetly a therapist here, if you do not have one get one, they are invaluable resources.
585414 tn?1288944902
Yes its the loss of sex control that is part of the bipolar and especially the mania. Marital infidelity is not really uncommon in today's society. Neither is sexual promiscuity. I don't tend to pass judgement as long as its consenting adult and safe sex. However, any form of losing control is not good and if its part of the general pattern of mania probably included other forms of losing control that you may not have thought about, speeded up activity (technically psychomoter agitation) racing thoughts, an inability to concentrate. But you wouldn't blame yourself for those things. So don't blame yourself for this. And I would think that some aspect of the relationship was part of it so the best thing is marriage counseling. You could both discuss the issue there.
627145 tn?1230309226
I came to this board because I was self-medicating this way for the first time since I'd gotten married - after over 20 years of fidelity.  None of my MDs have diagnosed me with bipolar, and my newest psychiatrist says he feels I just have dysthymia and situational depression, but that what I'm doing is getting a dopamine high as a coping mechanism.  So I asked for a drug with dopamine, and he said the only one with any dopamine activity was Wellbutrin.  I don't know if that is helpful for people who are bipolar or not.  The medicine he started me on was Remeron, and I am hopeful it is going to get me back on track.  I hope you see an MD who can help you.  I'm not at a point where I can really feel guilt about it.  It has just felt like survival.  
Avatar universal
You aren't responsible for this, but it will take help for you to realize that and overcome it. This is something you need to discuss with a professional. You will have a very hard time defeating the behavior and especially the feelings you have before and after on your own. I was sexually molested when I was young and the common reaction to that, promiscuity, was only amplified by being bipolar. I hope that you can find some help. I have yet to confront this adequately. My libido completely shut down several years after I married. (We'll be addressing that in therapy, I'm sure).

I personally wouldn't even consider telling your spouse on your own. Confront it first with a therapist and see how much they can help you.

Also, get tested for STDs as soon as you can. If you've contracted something, you will have an obligation to tell your spouse (immediately). Hopefully, you are medically sound in that dept and can get to a place where you are safer psychologically before you speak with your spouse - it'd probably be best to do it in a therapeutic setting as I imagine the response may be severe. If you are fragile enough to do this now, you'd be setting yourself up for failure to try to discuss it on your own. You might find yourself repeating the behavior and it'd be better if you found a way to stay in control. Best wishes.
Avatar universal
I, too also experience sever hypersexuality, at first I didnt know what the problem was being that I felt no connection, nor any love for any intimacy. what I try to do is control myself but it is hard. Normally after each encounter (in the past) I hated myself with a passion and hated that person as well. What i try to do is bascially talk to ny social worker and try to keep myself occupied, sometimes it helps sometimes it doesn't.
505907 tn?1258372940
  This is probably not going to be a popular answer but I do believe that my bipolarism must be partially responsible for my fantastic sex life - no matter who I'm with! I am extremely sensual - I seem to feel, see, taste, smell, everything more deeply and complex - according to my friends and lovers over the years. While my friends talk of falling libidos and needing to make "games" and such to "spice" up their sex life I just smile. I won't say it's always pure joy as I've been told I exude pheromones (whatever) and I often get treated badly by jealous women usually. I'm sorry it's brought you sorrow but there are so many individuals and couples who long for some of what we've got in excess.... There's no lesson to this comment. I just wanted to say it's not all negative being B.P.
585414 tn?1288944902
Yes I could agree with what one poster said. Due to being sexually abused as a child I have a phobia of sex (I do have relations to an extent but I don't find it appropriate to detail) and some form of gender identity disorder. I thought in having recovered from schizoaffective disorder it would go away or be mitigated to some extent but it wasn't. I can't say if its a further psychiatric disability or just a traumatic childhood event that was unable to be resolved but with these things sometimes you can talk them over but they can't go away entirely. Its perhaps some form of ptsd. I know with the tardive dyskinesia the various Parkinsonian conditions do completely lower my sex drive. But when I take the dopamine boosting medications it comes back for that time. My girlfriend of many years does not have a disability but has faced similar issues so we both came to terms with it by accepting it in each other but again to be judicious I best not detail.
  I do know that during episodes of mania I lose sexual judgement but it mostly involved pornography and the like which is another common problem and one that people can addicted to online. I had a former co-worker who became wildly manic and spent the whole day at work accessing explicit material on a common social networking site. In depressive episodes (which I don't really experience now after recovery) one loses interest in sex and in manic episodes one loses judgement and can become promiscuous. It used to be easier before HIV but now there are very real consequences but people should remember manic or not to always practice safe sex and if they are worried they will become manic to bring protection with them in advance (say in their wallet). That at least mitigates the health risk.
Avatar universal
I've been there, I've go thorugh bouts every 5-6 years, what's different now is I understand why I've done it. I've been in therapy and when I started to feel  better about myself I stopped my high risk behaviours which included promiscuity. Meds can help, but therapy is key.
Avatar universal
Turning to others for sex as a form of comfort when you are in a depressed state or becoming more sexually active when in a manic state are common within BP.

As many of the others have already said a good therapist is what you need to help you deal with this.  They will not only sort through the need for sexual companionship but will also help you deal with the aftermath - your feelings of guilt etc.

The fact that you recognise this behaviour as something you do not want to do and the fact that you want to do something about it is a positive step forward .  Try not to feel guilty about things that have happened.

There are many things we do when at certain ends of the spectrum of BP and I'm sure all of us at some time or another have done things that have left us red-faced, ashamed and guilt-ridden - so you are not alone.
607502 tn?1288251140
Recognising you have a problem is the first step.  

Whatever happens there are people here who will help you in any way we can in the medium we have.  We are all just walking step by step down the same road
657283 tn?1241612422
It is not surprising that you get a lot of responses to this subject.  It is a favourite for bp.  I will not bore you with my exploits but really this is something you have to treat.  I made a fool of myself as a young man with my hypersexuality and thought everyone else was hung up.  A waste of time.  Now I am well I enjoy sex very much but not with a porn like intensity or detachment.  It comes in a little at times and I feel bad but basically live as if I have got the context right.  
Take it as a good sign when you just start to like the closeness and fun being with someone special rather than seeking comfort. Cheers and Merry Christmas, God Bless Us ALL, everyone.
674607 tn?1240020832
You have opened up a sensitive subject, and I am pleased to see that other community members have responded with well-reasoned and well-meaning replies.  So often it seems that, even in this third millennium of ours, we are still not able to discuss sexuality in general and BP sexuality in particular without resorting to "moral" condemnation and outrage.  Thank you all.
Avatar universal
Please help me understand this.  My husband has bp and I don't understand why a person would seek sex from a prostitute when he has a young, nice looking, very willing
uninhibited wife at home.  He actually avoids me.  I no longer have a sex life and I am considering becoming promiscuous myself.  I read that men seek prostitutes for fellatio most of the time.  That has always been part of our normal activities, I actually enjoy doing it for him.  I think he has been doing this for years and he finally got caught red handed.  He says he doesn't do it anymore. He doesn't do ANYTHING anymore.  I am 17 yrs younger than him.  I thought maybe he was avoiding me because he was afraid he would give me a std.  I don't know what to think of all this.
Avatar universal
Well, I have suffered from BP since I was 17. Howevere, the hyomania got really problematic in my mid-twenties, and one of the signs was that I began seeking other women outside my marriage. I eventually ended up cheating. I never got caught, but the guilt was powerful and I initiated a divorce, figuring to free myself from monogamy to forgive my immoral behavior. This was a stupid idea.

Once seperated, I found myself constantly in the beds of different women. I was living in the center of a city, and my access to sexual anonymity was abundant. It all came to a close when I ended up hospitalized and put on lithium.

Once stable I met a woman and grew very fond of her. She made me feel good inside. However, during my relationship with her, I've not been faithful. I've had several partners, male and female. Yet, I no longer feel guilt from it. I feel numb.

My usual reaction is to tell my doctor and my therapist what I've done. I do not tell my partner because she does not need to be hurt by my illness. People who are well and cheat are usually carying with them relationship issues and charachter issues. People who are manic and cheat are sick. Therefore, the illness needs to be treated.

There is no use beating yourself up for your BP and your sexual adventures. BP people have less control, and in some cases, no control. We life in a world with very strict standards for conduct. In addition, we live in a world full of people who do not understand the debilitating nature of mental illness. BP is a high-functioning illness for many people, so when it flares-up it's easy to blame the sick instead of the underlying problem. We don't blame a person for vomiting, why should we attach moral judgement to a BP person who becomes manic and sleeps around? Instead, we should look at the cause of the issue and try to remedy it.

As a side note, when I do get too sexual, I make sure and use protection.
Avatar universal
i have been struggling with this issue all my life since i discovered sex, and what power it can have from a womans standpoint in relationships. i was diagnosed BP in my teens - im 33 now and married and struggling with sexual issues that my husband would NEVER understand. he plays down my BP as 'excuses' for the things i do and calls my manic episodes and ocd behaviours my 'bipolar-isms' which i feel is VERY degrading to me as a person....(since i feel degraded a lot on my own for my choices, many which he has NO CLUE about)

seems that whenever i get manic, i get hypersexual, and in most cases in relationships, i do have to say it has its positives. even if they are short term hook up relationships, my sex drive is amazing and satisfying and fun, and i love sex in general. it just becomes almost an obsession when im manic. i have always been social and out going, but i tend to almost obsess on it when im manic, every man that looks attractive to me, married or not, is fair game to flirt with...i get a bonus high off that behaviour.

i know my triggers, and i know i like the payoffs most times of the attention and good feelings. my last relationship was physically beyond satisfying, as have been most of my encounters. im just bothered by the '****' stigma, and get guilt from that, as well as knowing ive stepped outside my marriage a few times in the past 10 yrs.

i have also wondered if just me, as a person, shouldnt be married because i enjoy a variety of different men, as well as the fact ive fallen out of love with my husband. we dont have sex, havent since march and back then it was a mercy f**k for his sake, to get him off my back. now, im repulsed by him, but i still have desire and drive, just not for him at all. maybe because im over our relationship, and im ready to move on, im looking for new partners? or maybe im never just satisfyed with the same partner after a long period of time?

i cant figure out what is going on really. i know my marriage is going to end (not because of cheating or lack of sex) but other reasons like weve changed into two different people, like friends who just happen to have kids together, and we just dont have a thing in common other than the kids. i lust after other men daily, and i cant wait till im free to go play again, in fact since ive met my husband 10 yrs ago, he knows how flirtatious i am and i do it right in front of his face and he does nothing about it, seems not to bother him or something. maybe an open marriage or swinging would be the answer?? *sarcasm* lol i just cant figure out whats going on here and why i am so obsessed with sex lately, ive not been manic all summer, till 2 weeks ago, and this intrest in other men has been going on a lot longer than this manic phase has started....so whats the answer, am i just manic and hypersexual, or do i just love sex a lot and just get even more so when im manic? i dont get it, but if i dont have sex soon with someone, im gonna loose my mind.....sry about that last statement, but its the truth....
1052541 tn?1255367434
I too have a problem with this, when I start feeling meaningless to my boyfriend and feel as if he does not give me enough attention. I'll break up with him knowing I will be back and turn to someone for the attention I felt was lacking with the one I really loved. He[my boyfriend] can not understand the way I am feeling, and a lot of times I say Its just me and the way I think, although that may not actually be the reason. So I let all the the feelings and emotions build up until I run away. This happens like every 7 months. Usually around this time of year I take off, I tell him that I am not happy and I leave. I am very needy for affection from him, he just does not get it. He is the only thing that changes the way I feel. When I feel depressed and alone all he has to do is hug me and I feel vibrant again. It's weird. And I'm sure this may not sound like the same situation but I have a hard time explaining things. I get the urge to find what I am needy for in someone else. This has caused a lot of heart ache to both of us. I have been at the point to leave a few times but I keep fighting it off. Pushing all that I feel as deep as I can. But I know it is all going to spew out sooner or later. I'm afraid of it.
Avatar universal
   Long story short. My beautiful husband who is 44 years old, whom I've been married with for 12 years (we also have a 2 year old) just 2 months ago was diagnosed with Bipolar Dis. (he tried to commit suicide and went into a full blown Mani Episode, hallucination and all).
   He has been on Depakote for 1 month and started on Risperdal 2 weeks 1/2 ago (started on Abilify but it made his symptoms worse).

    He was sexually abused as a child. Suffered from depression all his life.
    So I've been living this 'Hell' for about 2 months now. My husband thinks we are divorced. He says we're living in this same house but as roommates (his thoughts are still extremely confused, very little concentration...but I do see some minor changes for better). His doctors can't talk to me due to patients confidentiality (my husband didn't authorize them to talk to me). My husband hates me right now, and thinks I'm the reason he is sick (keep in mind we've had 12 years of a beautiful, loving, respectful relationship.
    And here is my questions. I do understand most of what goes on with BP and all the behaviors and I am willing to give the meds time to see him get better. But having a 2 year old in the middle of all this is complicated.
    My husband sleeps outside the house, comes back home at 7am (did that for the past 2 days) and I'm pretty sure he's with another woman---in our 12 year of relationship I NEVER had problems with infidelity (he ahs always been a completely honest/transparent man).
         But this behavior is killing me, just the thought he is out there with another woman. So this week I'm thinking about telling him to leave the house for good. This situation is making me very sick! But I also feel very guilty to leave the man I love at a time I know he is sick.
    PLEASE, any thoughts are welcome. Should I give the meds more time to work? Should I make 'temporary' arrangements for him to stay some place while his is on treatment and eventually have him back at the house????
       I'm desperate!!!
585414 tn?1288944902
Best to wait until things are stabilized with him and then have a conversation about it afterwards. Relationship therapy is good as well. Right now he sounds quasi-delusional and can't really understand what's going on so wait until his medications are stabilized before you decide what to do. Just my opinion.
539549 tn?1315985262
I was diagnosed with BP at age 11,.....
I used to feel like I looked at sex differently back when the BP was under poor control,.....I can't quite be sure the reason because yes I was a deal younger but I think I may have been hypersexual at the time....I though about sex alllll day to the point where I felt like it was starting to interfear with my dialy life such as my grades and foucus durringh school and other activities....I talked about sex alot to the point where other females in my age group thought I was weird...I had a steady boyfriend for over three years who I loved but I cheated on him constantly....it was far less of an emotional thing than it was people I pulled 1 nighters with......I felt like that if I went to long without sex that I had no other option than to cheat on my boyfrend basicly I would get so stimulated and pent up I couldn't control myself even if I thought it was wrong whenever he said no to me (which was incredibly rare) I would glare at him and say "well where lese am I supposed to get it if you won't give me any"....so basicly I had I've had about 10 one night stands and fooled around with 5 others (over a period of 2-3 years) with no connection whatsoever (outside of some of them being my friends) (3 of the people I one nighted were even related to each other ((all in the same age group though))
but yeah just plainly for sex some of these people I wasn't  even really all that attracted to simply just to satisfy my craving at the time....and beleive me their are  quite a few others who I would have one nighted had I been given the oppertunity
My guy friends frequently confided in me about cheating on their girl friends as well in fact sometimes I was even slutty enough to agree with what their doing.......
recently my endrochronologist told me something .....that I have extra male horrmone (outside of the BP I mean) and it showed up on my blood test he said for this reason that I need to be on the birth control pill
sometimes I owunder if this was a contributing factor towards the was I was hypersexual,.....

It must have just been hormones themselves back then because fianally I started feeling less sexually frustrated as I got older.... I can relate what its like to feel pent up and that you can't be loyal or conservative the feelings of guilt shame torment you but then you go out again and do it the next week.......it really bites and I'm soo glad I don't feel frustrated any longer

I would suggest medication for a treatment to help calm your nerves and hormones
maybe some herbal rmemdies,.....acupuncture can also hellp chill you out because I've been to an scupuncturist a couple times (it really works) if not and you really feel like you are still hyper sexual possibly seeing a therapist could help
Avatar universal
ADVICE Please!!!
   To continue my story....my husband of 12 years is still getting out of his very first manic Episodes, still going through medication trials (Abilify did not work for him). He is still delusional and very angry at me.
   In less than 2 weeks he said he was leaving the house, packed his stuff, then changed his mind and said he was staying and then today said we need to get a lawyer.
  What do I do? He is in no shape to make any decisions, and the 'funny' part is, we've been together for 12 years and have a 2 year old but we are NOT legally married. He is not thinking straight and getting a lawyer will only make his situation worse, he's got all odds against him....do I just let him get the lawyer?????
   The worst part is, he found a NEW 'best' friend who is almost as ill as he is and she is putting some of these crazy ideas in his head...
  Anyone any advice...
Avatar universal
My wife forwarded this link to me cause she feels she is BP and has done many of the things described here. I have tried to help her with this, been very patient with her, told her that it is not her fault, the first step is to admit to what happened and never to sweep thing under the carpet, told her she need to come to terms with what has happened. I have my faults too, working too much, watching movies to distract my thoughts from work and sometimes even low self esteem. I have told her all this and asked her to be patient with me too. But, it never happens and she ends up bugging me while i work or try to relax. That leads to other issues and finally end up with her being depressed. I have tried for over ten years now to help her. But she refuses to help her self. I have also felt that she judges me or compares me to all the other people who have affected her life. As a result we have never been able to have a fulfilling relationship. She is my first and i have, despite all odds and opportunities, been faithful to her. i have also believed in being honest with her and tell her everything. this year was the worst we have had, with a new job that kept piling more responsibilities,etc... and she began breaking that trust, first by being precocious, cyber sex, etc... i tried to be supportive even during this and offered to do it together and for her not to chat with people she knew. We were going through a rough patch and agreed to work thing out, but before long she finally had sex with first, her e-boyfriend and then with a guy she had met at a friends b'day party (who i advised her not to keep in touch with as i knew where it would lead to). Even after that, i tried to be supportive and said lets be honest with each other and not do this any more. Again she continued to flirt and be promiscuous, making friends online, etc.. and discussing her sexuality with them. i have come to a point now where i cannot be  bothered with her or our relationship. I am tired of this.
585414 tn?1288944902
Having bipolar can cause this kind of behavior but this more sounds like a relationship issue (even if she has bipolar or should see a psychiatrist). If you read through the posts, everyone, including myself had lapses in judgment but we all came to an understanding of it afterwards. If she does have symptoms of bipolar she should see a psychiatrist. If not then a relationship therapist might work. But to me (I am not sure) she may be trying to rationalize her behavior to you. I'm not sure if she is aware that the end goal of medication, talk therapy or cognitive behavioral therapy is for this to stop. Unless her judgment in other areas is so lacking that she needs immediate help I would say as difficult as it sounds that part of her knows this is wrong and doesn't want to control it and it might be best to move on in terms of relationships. Just my take.
Avatar universal
I spoke with my psych NP about this very thing this week.  I've been in denial about my being bipolar for quite a while.  My wife knows about some of it but not all,,I think it would ruin us.  Even though she's much more understanding about it now I don't think she would chalk it up to the BP.  Even when money was a problem, I've gone out and spent $100 on a "massage", felt like a piece of sh*t, cried in the car as I leave, and before I get home, stop for another "massage" and spent the last of my money.  Prayed and prayed and asked God to help me, and felt like he did.  And then, 2 or 3 weeks later, go out and do it again.  Almost like he wasn't holding it against me so much because he knew there was something wrong.
I love my wife, she's awesome, beautiful and we have a great sex life.  But I'll swear,,sometimes I've been like a salmon going to spawn,,and I HATE THAT.
I just hope that now that I've finally come to grips with it, and am getting treatment for it, I can change and be the one woman man I should be.  
1113958 tn?1258666275
Hi.  I fully sympathize. I have never married as when that dam mania hits I have no boundaries in check, I feel like I am superwoman, and I have had dangerous encounters that I regret very much now on a promiscuous level.  It was really dangerous too.  I met this strange guy that I found out was married with six kids, in a stairwell in a downtown car garage.  He could have killed me, raped me.  Yet, it didn't stop there.  I was watching porn at an alarming rate which I have never been interested before.  My libido was through the roof and I was out of control.  I met guys online...some didn't show at all.  Today, my psychiatrist has me on an army of drugs and these meds have also killed my sexual libido.  How sad is that ya know?!  From one extreme and yet to another extreme to control it.  That is what is working for me presently and a lot of support from my friends who do not judge me and really care about me.  I am blessed.  I hope this is some help for you.  Take care.  I wish you wellness.  
Avatar universal
I am 29 years old and was diagnosed as being bipolar in my teens. That occured when my Mom was just finding out about the sexual abuse I was getting from my Father and so I never dealt with it. I've just lived with it.  I had completely put it out of my mind, but recently started sleeping with my boss.  I have since quit that job, which broke my heart because I loved it, and am terrified that I will just repeat the same behavior at a new job.  I've always been sexually promiscuous.  It's not like I seek it out, it's like I freeze up and can never just say "NO".  Sometimes it feels like the words are just stuck in my throat and I can't get them out.  My neighbor is bi-polar and she has encouraged me to get help, but at the same time she is trying to get me to go to the bars and have threesomes with her and her husband.  I feel completely lost and disgusting, I hate even looking at myself in the mirror.  I just feel like if people knew the real me that's lurking just below the surface, they would stay the hell away from me. I just always feel so lonely and guilty all the time that the "manic" periods are like a blessing. For a brief time I actually like myself and I feel like I can take on the world. Then the voices kick in, not like other people's voices that I hear in my head, it's more like my own, Just constantly spewing criticism and telling me what a piece of crap I am. I'm so lost. I came across this board today, maybe it will help to know that I'm not the only one. Please help me.
Avatar universal
God has the answers to evrything. ask Him, and i guarantee you that He'll give you not just all the answers but also all the solutions you'll ever need.
Avatar universal
I've been in a 2yr relationship, and I started cheating about 6 months into the relationship. Eventually, I confessed it to him and he was able to forgive me. I swore never to do it again, and I would even have nightmares about me cheating on him. Sure enough, it happened again! Now I'm left with this feeling of guilt that consumes me every day. I know I can't tell him because it will destroy him, and I do love him. I love him more than anything. Now I know that I cannot do this alone. I need professional help, and fast, because my disorder will be the end of my relationship and my happiness. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. It's almost like you're divided into two people: the person you really are and the person that you become due to this disorder. I hope everyone here can lead productive and happy lives. Wish me luck...I sure need it.
Avatar universal
mine is a different issue.  i've only had one partner since 1998, my husband.  But in 1996 when i was coming of age, i had to work in a topless bar for 6 days to avoid sleeping on the street (long story).  i felt super sexy and was in a super sexy mindset for a few months.  i gave a ** to a guy w/ gf, fooled around with a married woman (i'm a woman), flirted back to taken people.  i mooned a couple people.  i'm very against being w/ someone taken, which is why i did so little.  from 1994 to 1998 i had was hypersexual and had quite a few single partners.  not usually on purpose, i just let things move to fast.  all this happened in arizona.  i got over it quick and never felt bad too much, moved on.

then in oregon in 2006, a catty neighbor mom dug for dirt, i thought of my minor past dirt and blushed.  she spread false rumors.  i began explaining all the details of my past to other moms, to prove how moral i've always been (no relations w/ married men, no sex w/ a taken guy, etc).  but women here all hate me now and ostracize and gossip about me.  like a whole huge community of them do.  they make me feel terrible about myself and unforgiveable.  it's really messed up my mind.  i went to see a counselor, but she also seemed to be very puritanical, scarlett letterish about sexual mistakes.  it's gotten so bad i developed a strange fear that my dead grandma is cursing me unless i go back to the mormon church.  i can't shake that curse and it feels real.  i know it's not but it still overpowers my brain and makes my social anxieties sky-rocket.

i wanted to say that i'm not judgmental at all and love all.  i wish i had a friend.  i feel like oregon is very non-sexy and perfect while arizona is often much the opposite.  i want nothing more than to never think about this and be happy with my kids, husband, and life.

yes i was abused sexually growing up and psychologically too.
Avatar universal
I have a good idea of what you're going through. My brother and my partner both suffer from severe mental illness. My brother is schizophrenic. Around the time when he was diagnosed I was still living at home, and life was utter hell. I was deeply depressed and suicidal. I know what it's like. It's even more complicated when it's your partner.
You NEED to take care of yourself. It's the most important lesson I learned at the time. You are suffering too. When it's your partner who you live with, who you have a child with, it's your life, too. A lot of people don't understand that it hurts the person who isn't sick too (or who wasn't initially sick..i have a pretty bad anxiety disorder now and have had my bouts of depression). It's not JUST upsetting because you care about the other person. You're unhappy for yourself too, and justifiably so. You need help as much as he does. Is there anyone in his family toward whom he doesn't feel animosity that you could maybe convince to talk him into letting you in on his therapy? the patient-doctor confidentiality thing is problematic.
My parents are very closely involved with my brothers therapy, and it's been his saving grace, but also theirs. I truly do not believe they could handle dealing with this completely in the dark. I have insisted that my partner let me in on his therapy, but he doesn't get why. This is why we no longer live together, and he's back living with his parents for the time being. I know it's harder when the person's thought process is so confused that he doesn't understand what's really going on, but regardless of the reasons, you have to look the facts in the face. What's happening, what needs to be, what's possible. You have that responsibility to yourself and your child. I know it's terrifying and overwhelming, and that's why you shouldn't even try to do it alone. Life WILL go on and it WILL get better once you figure out how you're going to deal with it, and I strongly suggest you find a therapist to talk it out with.  
Avatar universal
I was just searching the web for a situation like yours. I’m not bi polar, but my girlfriend of 4 years (off and on) is. Over the years we have had a very hot cold relationship. She is on meds, but she smokes a lot of weed too. She’s very smart and educated, but can’t hold a job for longer than 6 months. If we have a fight and break up for say, a week, she is on craigslist meeting strange men and women and sleeping with them. When I find out she cries and blames me for not coming over to check on her. She says if I’m not around to keep her level she doesn’t know what she will do.

She also gets very jealous, to the point where she attacked me once and I pushed her to the floor to get her off of me. I got arrested for that. A year later she attacked me in a hotel room while I was sleeping because she was offended by a comment I made. Our relationship was awful!

For 9 months we broke up and didn’t speak, and new years eve of 2011, she contacted me and told me she didn’t love her boyfriend, she still loved me. We slept together, and afterwards I begged her to stay but she insisted on leaving. She went home and her boyfriend beat her up. She stayed with him and a few months later they were over.

She then came back to me and begged me to take her back. I eventually did. She would tell me how we were so connected, how I was her “medicine” and blah blah. She went on to tell me that she loved me so much that she could never do things with the other men she was with after me, such as nude photos and video. Well one night she went on a rant about how men she thought were friends were only trying to get in her pants. She insisted I read the texts they wrote and how she responded. I told her it wasn’t important, and that I trusted her to do the right thing. She was marching around, smoking weed with a serious attitude because she really wanted me to read these texts. So I did.

Then she wanted so show me pictures of some of these guys, while she was scrolling I saw a video and asked her to play it. It ended up being her screwing some guy. Needless to say I was very upset about this. Though it happened while we were apart, I was more angry that she lied and said I’m the only man she has done that with. I calmly kissed her on the cheek, got my things and left. I was fed up with the lies and all her men that she just cant let go of. And also the meeting of random men whenever we have a spat.

Well the day I left her which was last week from today, I changed my phone number, created new emails and closed my old ones. For two days She couldn’t contact me so she called my job to see if I had been going to work. Then one day she called my new number, began to gloat at how she tracked me down, and chewed me out viciously for trying to “drop off the earth”…her words.

Today I spoke with her on the phone, she said she was with her friend, a girl who is a known crack head, and telling me if I don’t take her back that she will run off with this girl to Alabama (We live in Chicago).
I told her no, I will not take her back and to quit calling me. She swore this would be the last time I hear from her again. This was at 9 am. Its now 11:30 and im worried to death about her. I don’t want to be with her, but I love her and don’t want her running around with a crack head and sleeping around and get herself hurt (she was raped once last year while being manic).

My point to this is, after my experience with a bipolar girlfriend, I don’t think I could handle another mentally Il person. I’m sure not all bipolars are like this, but from the stories I’ve heard, so many are. That girl drove me crazy while we were together. Sometimes I felt like I was bipolar too. She claims now she has found a great combo of meds and she is much better but I am so fed up that I don’t even want to see her again. I now have to get std tests done to make sure she didn’t give me anything.
I urge you, please please don’t put anyone through this. Before you make up to him or get into a new relationship, get help and be damn certain you can control your “crazy” (My ex and I referred to it as that) before you make this commitment, because if you don’t, you could not only hurt yourself, but your man so so bad. Your second paragraph really struck a nerve with me, because I remember asking her one time how she can give herself to all these men like that and she basically told me what you said in your second paragraph.

If a person knows they have moments they will sleep around, they just shouldn’t get into anything serious until they get help and know with no doubt that they can resist these driving emotions.

Just my two cents while getting stuff off my chest lol.
Avatar universal
Well, because of my moral standards, I actually have never given in totally to the strong desire to be promiscuous. While some women long for the white dress with a beautiful procession of bridesmaids, I almost obsess over the idea of having multiple partners. Good thing they remain as thoughts rather than illicit acttions. On the other hand I have put myself in numerous situations where I could have easily been raped. With the worse being going home with a random guy that lived in the woods. I have sought out so many different men during moments of depression that I can't even remember each face or name. Past fooling around, I haven't slept with any of these men. The problem now is my inability to have both an emotional and physical connection with just one person. Its almost as if the two must always remain seperate. Either there is a deep trusting bond emotionally or a physical warm body to provide nothing more than sexual pleasure and emotional release. This makes me feel I will never have a healthy relationship if I cannot invest both emotional and physical closeness into just one person. As crazy as it may sound, although I have been technically rather physically chaste, I have allowed strangers to go far beyond the limit of what is reasonable. I feel I have bn emotionally promiscuous because during times of intense depression, I have given so much of myself to random men in hopes that opening up to them emotionally could provide a sense of comfort. Unfortunately, all that has come of it is that I'm devoid of emotion although wanting to be in a relationship. I'm afraid however, that I would have nothing left to give. Being bipolar is like saying leave me alone, I'm lonely, comfort me but because you couldn't possibly understand how I feel, I'll give myself to someone who doesn't know or care about me all.  ....please post if u understand. ... thx.
1696867 tn?1312613191
It was only when I was so upset about my own repeated sexual promiscuity and I broke down and told my gp that my bipolar was finally diagnosed. I had been diagnosed with depression  17 years before, but the same sorts of behaviors had been repeating for even longer than that. When I finally saw a psychiatrist and we talked about the patterns in my life. He told me that I didn't have the ability to control what was happening at those stages and that even though I felt guilty afterwards, I was not to blame.
My husband and I have been together for 17 years and I have affairs on 4 different occasions. He is unaware of any of them. Both my psychiatrist and gp advised that I not tell my husband as it would only cause more upset and stress in our lives. I do love my husband, and don't intend to ruin my marriage. But I do intend to stay on my mess and work on staying stable. This way hopefully I can avoid  going down that road again
Avatar universal
My partner has just been diagnosed as bipolar, unfortunately after the police took him out of our home, put a restraining order on him to stay away from us (me and my children) and charged him with aggravated sexual assault against me.....

I am wondering if there is anyone out there, who has dealt with a bipolar person in a similar situation, that can send some... advice?

My boyfriend was sexually assaulting me in my sleep.  I suffer insomnia, so regularly use sleep aids (usually natural, but man, they can knock someone out)    This continued for months, even after i asked him to stop, and explained how worthless and disrespected it had made me feel.  

We have been together about a year, and in the past few months, there have been outbursts, severe detachment, loss of interest and identity.  He is a whole different person than I knew.  I love him dearly, but this whole situation is awful...   I hear he wants to be treated, and work things out and come home (once the courts allow) but I'm not really sure how I feel about that yet.  I would never turn my back on him, for being ill, but the emotional scars he has left me with, and this time apart, is making it really hard to understand how I feel......   still, I know.... without a doubt... That I love him more than I could ever believe I could love anyone, other than my children.

My questions really, are..... after treatment, do I believe him again? or is that just a bad idea? He blames his sexual issue on the information he can find about bipolar and sexuality.  Every time I asked him, pleaded with him to stop hurting me, he'd promise not to, and we'd be there all over again in a week.  Half of the time, he doesn't even remember.  From what I've read, people with bipolar engage in negative sexual behavior with strangers... not partners.   If he did remember the incident, he would say 'well i was just trying to make you feel good' ... Even knowing how it made me feel used and hurt.

He has been good to us, in every other way, but for some reason, when I go to sleep, he just helps himself.  Has anyone had this sort of experience that could link it to bipolar? or is that just being used as an excuse?  

Dark times, call for light.

Thank you.
Avatar universal
I've read so many of these threads looking for answers.. For anyone who's interested...

I married my junior high sweetheart, after five years of dating. The love of my life. Super sweet, innocent, church going, very attractive, bubbly personality... just a doll. We had a great sex life, she drove me crazy!  After two years of marriage, I discovered she was having an affair. (we were 21) BLEW my DAMN mind... She was the most jealous person I'd ever met!! ... She worshiped the ground I walked on so to speak. Just a perfect wife, and my best friend.

I was destroyed... She begged me to forgive her, crying sobbing, threatening to kill herself if I divorced her. I finally agreed to consider staying, but I wanted her to tell me everything, completely come clean and let me decide what to do.

At this time I'm a U.S. Marine, extremely fit, great looking, always had girls flirting with me but never even considered touching another girl.

After several days of her telling me that I already knew everything that happened and me telling her that I didn't believe her.. she let me have it.

She sat me down, and turned away because she couldn't face me. And proceeded to tell me of the SEVEN affairs she had during our short two year marriage.
-She was a 19 year old bank teller and started having sex with a 40 year old married customer for a few months on an "almost daily basis".
-Then switched to another 40 year old customer and slept with him for a few months, again "hundreds of times"
-Then she said she was good for a few months... Then slept with my best friend "once".
-Then she slept with another Marine I knew with who was... lets just say very unattractive... "several times"
-Then she met a guy online who she described as "fat"... she slept with him "a dozen or so times"
-Then another Marine from the base "a few times"
-Then met another 40 year old customer and slept with him "a few dozen times".

After she told me, I asked her to get in the truck so I could drive her home. On the way she asked what I was gonna do... I was still in shock.. I wouldn't have even believed that story but for the fact she was crying and shaking the entire time.  I realized there was something deeply wrong with her. I took off my wedding ring and threw it out the window. She then opened her door and bailed out of the truck at 35mph. I stopped and picked her up, she was unconscious and bleeding from the head (yes I realize I should have just called 911 and not touched her) but I wasn't thinking. I drove her to the hospital as fast as I could. She came to and was okay aside from a nasty bump and concussion. I got her checked in at the ER and called her mom and sister and told them the whole story. Then I left the hospital. I didn't see her again for five years. I had to do a contested divorce because she refused to sign anything. Her parents admitted her to a mental hospital in Tulsa where she spent the next six months or so, most of the time on suicide watch. She gave them permission to speak to me. Her psychologist told me that she had even come on to him.. And that I should "run" and she would likely never be able to control this . She was Diagnosed BP and something else (disassociation disorder or something like that) she had auditory hallucinations as well.
While I didn't see her for the next five years, I talked to her a lot on the phone. She described in detail some of the things she had done.. I thought she was really good in bed, but apparently, what those other guys got was much better.... She said with me, the sex was... all about pleasing her, (which is true, I can camp out down there for a week!) but when she was with them, it was all about pleasing them, performing, being as wild and crazy as she could, doing all kinds of thing she never did with me. Those conversations and mental images have haunted me for the last fifteen years. I also spoke to a couple of the guys, I confronted my friend, he said he just came over to our house one day to see me and she completely threw herself on him.. he was crying and so sorry.. I told him off and never spoke to him again. I called the last 40 year old guy she was doing. He said she used to come over to his house crying and with her hair in a mess and her shirt torn and saying that I had just beat her!!! I never even raised my voice at her!!  I confronted her about this and she confirmed it.. she couldn't even tell me why she had done these things. She didn't know.. "the voices told her to do it" I don't even know how she had time to do this.. I never suspected a thing... Basically, her lunch hour, or on her way to or from work, or the grocery store.. She said, it was normal for her to leave a guy's house, and come home and go right into having sex with me.. (and I went down on her most every time... yeah...) She said sex with me was better than with then them and only one had a bigger .... you know. (I had to ask!) She said it was all about the attention, she wanted to blow their minds and have them praise her for it.
I stopped speaking to her after about three months when I met another girl (on the rebound of course) and after that relationship ended five years later, I went to look her up. I just showed up at her parents house one day. (we were about 25 at this time) She answered the door.. but I didn't recognize her.. The last time I saw her she was a little hottie.. Now she was about 60 or so pounds overweight. She said it was the medication... Wow... she showed me the shelf full of pill bottles that comprise what it takes to make her... "not bats#it crazy" (her words) We have been friends since then.. nothing more than an occasional email or text message. She seems like a totally different person.. very... plain.. not bubbly or hyper at all.

She's re-married now, seems very happy, has two kids. Husband seems like a great guy.. She's still overweight so I assume she's still on her meds.

Part of me wishes her well, but part of me hopes she walks in on him doing the babysitter, and then discovers that he's slept with the previous six babysitters as well.  I know that's not right, but... this has brought me so much pain.. I WANT to forget it... I want to forgive her... It's been 15 years.. but still, it consumes me from time to time... like tonight. I've never really told anybody the full story until now.. I figured maybe this would help.

I'm now 37, still in great shape, I'm an electrical engineer, make six figures and I'm single.. I've had several failed relationships since then.. I wish I could wipe her and those phone conversations from my memory.
14997898 tn?1437804213
I get strong desires at times, but I learned to isolate myself in order to not do anything stupid. I think isolation does help in some ways, but ofcourse it makes for a very lonely existence.
Avatar universal
Bipolar reduces inhibitions and reveals the underlying raw character and moral center (for better or worse) a person has built up over their lifetime.Unfortunately, that is often not pretty. People compensate for their deficits with the inhibitions of their conscious. If it goes you are left with the true person. Therefore, we see horrendous behaviors with most people yet sometimes we only see hyper affect without 'bad behavior'.........just an exaggerated performance of societal accepted norms of behavior and spectacular intellectual accomplishments. This means for those people who exhibited 'bad behavior' meds are only a part of therapy. Cognitive and behavioral norms must be re-built from scratch with, hopefully, a moral center established. It is important that one realize, most often there has been a failure, by the adults in the lives of these people, to properly nurture them into developing fully.          M.K.
Avatar universal
Bipolar reduces inhibitions and reveals the underlying raw character and moral center (for better or worse) a person has built up over their lifetime.Unfortunately, that is often not pretty. People compensate for their deficits with the inhibitions of their conscious. If it goes you are left with the true person. Therefore, we see horrendous behaviors with most people yet sometimes we only see hyper affect without 'bad behavior'.........just an exaggerated performance of societal accepted norms of behavior and spectacular intellectual accomplishments. This means for those people who exhibited 'bad behavior' meds are only a part of therapy. Cognitive and behavioral norms must be re-built from scratch with, hopefully, a moral center established. It is important that one realize, most often there has been a failure, by the adults in the lives of these people, to properly nurture them into developing fully.          M.K.
Avatar universal
Bipolar reduces inhibitions and reveals the underlying raw character and moral center (for better or worse) a person has built up over their lifetime.Unfortunately, that is often not pretty. People compensate for their deficits with the inhibitions of their conscious. If it goes you are left with the true person. Therefore, we see horrendous behaviors with most people yet sometimes we only see hyper affect without 'bad behavior'.........just an exaggerated performance of societal accepted norms of behavior and spectacular intellectual accomplishments. This means for those people who exhibited 'bad behavior' meds are only a part of therapy. Cognitive and behavioral norms must be re-built from scratch with, hopefully, a moral center established. It is important that one realize, most often there has been a failure, by the adults in the lives of these people, to properly nurture them into developing fully.          M.K.
Avatar universal
I am bipolar and 41 and the number of girls/women I've been with is is extremely high. Of course I gave away my virginty the weekend after I turned 13 and by the time I graduated high school I'd had sex with 48 girls. I wasn't diagnosed with BD until my sophomore year of college. By that point I was in solid triple digits. I had no clue then that my BD affected my sex life. I just figured I am good looking and fun to be around so what's the big deal if I sleep around? That was until I fell in love with a great girl. I was crazy for her. Three weeks into our relationship I started a manic phase that lasted nearly two weeks. At the end of it I fu*ked her sister a few times and three of her friends a few times. Needless to say that ended the relationship. I was 20 years old and I still had no clue about the link between BD and sexual promiscuity. I tried the whole relationship thing again two more times with similar reasons for ending. By 25 I was a 'legend' to my friends (guys and girls alike) and because girls talk to their friends about the guys who know what they're doing I never was ever truly single again but I was also never monogamous with any of them. I did get married and oddly enough I never stepped out on her during the 8 years we were together. I figured I'd be a real ******* if I fu*ked some other woman or women while married so I didn't. I ended that marriage and the minute it was final I was di*k deep in tang and I still didn't know about the link between BD and promiscuity. Now I know and my sexual partner number currently stands at 648. What I want to know is am I correct in thinking I can have only sexually satisfying and emotionally barren or I can have only emotionally satisfying and sexually barren?
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