Bi-polar Highs

Question

Bi-Polarity is such an interesting disease to me. Being a medical student with BP, I'm constantly calculating my own moodiness. The most irrational thing about BP is the addictiveness of the high. The amount of work, calculating, inventing, and exercise I do while in a euphoric state makes it really hard to take medicine (I do but you see my point). It is a drug that our brains are chemically injecting into us. Everything is beautiful, wonderful. The possibilities are limitless.

I understand the danger, but does anyone else agree with me on this? It takes someone with BP to truly understand what euphoria is like. I don't think many people have or ever will experience that kind of high (without drugs lol). Do you find it hard to take medicine when you are high? Where do you place your focus and energy? What is the strangest thing you've done on a euphoric stint?

2009toads · Answer

The highs for me are definitely fun and it has been almost a year since I have had one.   I was manic last spring/summer and in the process bought a sailboat online in Columbus Ohio (I live British Columbia).  To get the boat out west I bought I beautiful Ford pickup......the spending just kept going on and on.  When I did crash I had to deal with the debt that I accumulated and am still paying for.  Sold the truck, kept the boat.

Despite the bad financial move as I reflect back I do not regret my manic moments.  In fact the 4 day trip driving across the American Midwest was fantastic (amazing hospitality!) and I had an opportunity to connect with my stepfather who I hadn't spent much time with since I left home when I was 18.  

You're right brightyoungthing the euphoria is difficult for someone that has not experienced it do understand.  It is like describing an orgasm to a virgin.  For me I enjoy the confidence and sense of peace and well being during hypo/mania.  My therapist said to give that up means putting down the cup of golden elixir that you have been sipping from and tastes so delicious.  It definitely took some convincing to put it down.  I switched to lithium before Christmas and there is not a day that goes by that I don't contemplate stop taking it in order to sip from the cup again!

Venora Moonwind · Answer

I can identify.with all that has been said. I did my best creative work when I was bi polar "hi".But it came with a price when I crashed.The bills from the spending spress came along with some bounced checks among other things like the irritability the short temper and for me I eventually fo schizo and paranoid as well as ocd when I am at my worst unmeded self.
I dont feel numb on my current meds. I am still creative  and do great things in my garden but now I take care of it all the time not just during the manic  I wouldnt go back to those old days before my meds for anything. I like this stability I have now.
Just my 2 cents
Love Venora

ILADVOCATE · Answer

I've been through that feeling and things will change. I feel like myself now. I couldn't define "myself" as before treament I had a fair amount of moodswings and psychosis as well way back to being a kid. I could say not so much that I am "normal" (and who is to define that..) but I am as close to normal as I've ever been in my life. The medication I am taking although its not for that purpose seems to have mood stabilization properties (many anti-convulsants do). Physically still homebound but am on engaging political debates on another forum (not to promote politics as to practice social interactions when I can't have them in person). The years when medication made me feel numb were very difficult but things will improve as regards treatment. We shouldn't have to trade hypomania with feeling overmedicated. Its good to be on an even keel..

cowgirlnerd · Answer

I feel ya.  I told a friend that I wish that I could have the happy carefree life of most "grownups".   The emptiness and numbness is exhausting, but I know its better than spinouts - but is it better for me or the friends and family who have to clean it up?  

Oh well.  I just see people I know and they don't seem to worry about everything like I do and have the freedom of doing whatever I want to do....  numbness....yucko.

BeeKeeper · Answer

I very much feel "numbed" by the drugs.  High's and low's aren't as high or as low.  I loved the extreme High's before medication becuase my mind would race with a thousand solutions and I had tons of energy and didn't have to sleep.  The low's became increasingly more severe bad to the point of ending things several times over many years.  The new 'normal' is a muted high - rapid thought, energy, and oss of sleep..but the intenseness isn't there.  The low's are the same way.  Thoughts are there continually, but not a lot of will to act on them...but they still drag out until I feel I am just an empty shell...just a numb, empty shell.  Even though moods are better on drugs...is life?  I'm not sure yet.

cowgirlnerd · Answer

Hey - I just thought of another thing! I wonder - since we BP's love that high - if drug addiction is still a frequent issue with BP's after becoming stable like before. Many have described it as a cocaine like high.

cowgirlnerd · Answer

Yeah, that's one of the problems of being "stable", the numbness of it all.   I miss the extreme highs that I had - man, they felt good, especially after a good long depression.  BUT, I know the aftermath of the tornado isn't worth it.  I could stay up for DAYS and supposedly get things done, but basically, it was just a little of this, a little of that, with no real accomplishment.  I painted (poorly I might add) my kitchen one weekend 3 times during a manic episode - didn't sleep at all.  

I wasn't "self-aware" but joked about the depression being my prelude to being hyper (didn't know what it actually was) and my Mom always thought it was "picking myself up by my bootstraps".....WRONG!  I always told myself it was my brain correcting itself.

ILADVOCATE · Answer

That's a good question but being that aside from lithium most mood stabilizers are anti-convulsants I believe mania is merely overactivity in the limbic system (emotional part of the brain) and that as anti-convulsants stop seizures which are generalized over activity in the brain the same is true of mania but in a more focused sense. I'll have to read some clinically accurate websites and find more about this and what the current findings are. I know when people have manic episodes they are physically speeded up and lose weight, want to eat more and their libido increases so there must be some veracity in this but I will find out more but science itself is just learning.

cowgirlnerd · Answer

Questions for the medical student BP member.......

I have wondered if the mania is the brains reaction to offset the depression.   Thoughts?  

Do you think that the mania REALLY productive or our interpretation of productivity?

Does anyone in your medical student circle know you have BP?

rogelio63 · Answer

This is off the subject, but I'm glad that you're a med student and have BP.  Before I realized that I was "different", I tallied up 2 bachelors and a doctoral degree, but that was before I realized I needed to be treated because I had an illness.  Now, I start another Master's/upgradeable to Doctoral program in August and I wonder if I'll be approaching things different now.
Just rambling,,,

Twelvesgirl · Answer

My highs feel really great, they are usually accompanied with a strong desire to drink a lot of alcohol! Like nothing I could ever explain to "normal" people. Then I crash into depression, like falling from a skyscraper and landing flat on my face. I would wake up to a life completely destroyed by my amazing mania...how I thought doing that over and over was a trait of a "normal" person...I must have been crazy :) But now I'm on meds, and in it for the long haul...any help on how to deal would be great!

Oh, and the strangest thing I've done...I don't think I've ever done anything like planting 130 trees at night! Dear God, I hope you wore gloves!

paranoid_cataclysm · Answer

I never experience any kind of high when I'm manic, I'm just irritable.  Like I've said before I feel like I've been cheated because of that.

hell1971 · Answer

I have only had one experience in full blown mania I think as I am usually just a hypomanic, that high is like nothing I had experienced before, I think everyone deserves to feel that at least once, I was amazed at how I had no worries, everything was wounderful of course what came next was 6 months struggling to get stable, still struggling now. The most bizzare thing I did was plant 130 trees in the dark, i think this is when my husband realised for sure he had a problem on his hands.lol

blakismom · Answer

I so agree with you on the addictiveness of the highs. I would much rather become stable on the high side than on the low side, but I think the goal is to get us stable somewhere in the middle, but once again I totally agree with you about the high side.

ILADVOCATE · Answer

If you want to know more about bipolar in general we have some good websites linked up. As for myself I've made a good recovery as regards psychosis (since its an antipsychotic in Phase II FDA study I've been asked to confine it to my journal entries) but as for moodswings (I have schizoaffective with the bipolar aspect) its complex as I am on Clonidine in patch form and on the last day I will experience some rapid cycling. But I do have self awareness now and I can honestly say its not fun to me although in the past before my medications helped increased my self awareness I did think so. I do tend to look back at the days and laugh where I was running through the city buying multiple cd's saying "this is the best day ever" and feeling elated. Now its more like things get sped up and I have trouble focusing and concentrating and taking care of what I need to. I have been on all known mood stabilizers that are considered at all effective and as more come out I'm sure I'll be considered for them. Its nice to have a day where things went well and you enjoyed it without the push of mania behind. Stability is a nice feeling and I do believe I've reached that.

LeftCoastChick · Answer

After finally coming out off continual depression moods in mid April, the hypo has reared it's head.  It's not the best thing but more manageable then the depression because I'm keenly aware of many of the aspects of it.  I've had more energy then I've had in 10yrs, I'm getting my Lith tweaked, because I am doing things I don't like like too much info.
I'm not eating much and my blood sugars are all over the board, so I'm hoping the bump from 450-600 will lower the hypo but not kill it.

Bluetwo · Answer

I don't hallucinate or become detached from reality.
I do get high on my highs.
My senses are very alert and very much alive.

It's a wonderful feeling.
I just laugh.
Everything is funny.

I took a trip with my husband. On our return trip I couldn't stop laughing on the plane. Everything was funny. The funny part I was at the exit door. My husband and I were assigned to the exit door promising we would have extra leg room. Here I am laughing up a storm. I thought it was odd having a flight attendant feeling reassured that I could perform my job if we had a emergency. Luckily my husband was by me. I wouldn't open the door unless I was told....I'm not that crazy. But it was funny.


If I'm not laughing away. I have a lot of energy to do things. People like my work and expect the same performance at all times. I can become very creative and talkative. I feel very much alive. But I spin out control with this energy. I become irritable and overwhelmed. It's like being on a merry-go-round on high speed and thrown off by centripetal force. It hurts all the time. Sometimes my depression is so bad that I don't want to get back up.

That's how I describe it.

I have taught myself to slow down and keep away from overwhelming things.
If I have the red flags...I stop, look and listen. 
I need my rest or I'll get thrown off the merry-go-around.

Most of the time I listen to myself.
This past eposide I didn't listen and I paid very dearly.
My past med's stop working which caused my mania.

And it felt like my brain was playing ping pong with my mood swings.
They finally slowed down after a month.
Now I'm on lamotrigine to stop my mood swings.
My whole summer is pretty much taken up to get better.

I hope the lamotrigine will help me with my creative side.
It's nice to have that and not get all manicky.
I just want to be even keel.

shelby78 · Answer

I have to agree it really does take someone with this disease to understand what true euphoria is like. However, i'm sure there are people without it who have experienced euphoria somewhat. To answer your questions.....I find it extremely difficult to take my meds when i am in a high. All i want to do is hold on to that place i'm in because i know that the debilitating side of depression is up next. When i am in a euphoric state i don't always keep my energy or focus concentrated. I find it extremely difficult to concentrate on one particular subject, so i don't. I am still new at learning ways to cope with this so if anyone has any helpful tips as to how to focus your energy, please keep them coming. The strangest thing i have done while manic was pacing in my classroom talking to myself and other people with a whole flight of ideas and i was sooo jittery that i was leaping off of chairs and tables and who knows what else. Not really strange persay, just bizarre for me.