Bipolar Husband- Starting a family

[thenoune]

I recently married my Bipolar type 1 husband. He has had two manic episodes, for the first time when he was 16, and the second time just a few years ago when we were supposed to be getting married the first time. He has severe manic episodes, to the point where he is uncontrollable and very paranoid, and at times physically violent (not horrible, but he threw a watermelon on the floor and apparently while he was in the hospital he broke some doors).  I stuck it through with him, he was in the hospital for about a month, and now he is doing great again.

I'm concerned about how he will be if we were to start a family- that is, have a baby. We are not planning on trying to have one any time soon, however in the next few years it could be a possibility. I'm concerned about how he will be if we do have a baby. For example, is it common for bipolar men to have an episode after having a child? I know he wouldn't be able to get up at night as easily because he needs his sleep, and I've also heard that any major stressors can cause an episode.

Has anyone had any experience with this?

[persephonedemeter]

I also know couples where one has bipolar disorder who are great people, great parents and  have great children. They did have problems, just like people who don't have bipolar disorder and just like what Bubulous said, who have other disabilities, and they are families who I really think highly about. It  basically boils down to how they deal with things together, be supportive and aware of what their capabilites are, and the important aspect is that they are generally kind to each other.

I actually do see people as role models for me, and I try to have the characteristics that I really like. That, and the fact that I actually do have a plan A and a plan B with my psychiatrist, my therapist, and whoever I am leaning on which includes people I trust who are involved during whatever stressful event I have to handle, and simple strategies that can carry me if I find things a bit too overwhelming at the moment. The simple things are things that help me calm down, and that could be taking a break to get a soothing beverage, closing my eyes and doing deep breathing exercises, or just going outside for 10 to 15 minutes.

[persephonedemeter]

I can see why it would concern you, since breaking hospitals doors is pretty hard to do, and it takes an awful amount of strength and energy to do that. I am pretty impressed by that feat.

Congratulations on your marriage. He must be a great guy despite what the bipolar disorder has put both of you through. Getting married is pretty stressful and can be intense, so I can see how he had a manic episode, but from your post, it didn't happen the time when you actually did get married. So, something was different the second time around. Stressful events can be triggering, but I think spending time to do mental preparations, taking effort to take care of yourselves in anticipating the pregnancy, childbirth and children, a plan to how to deal with things should anything come up with a plan A and a plan B as a way to deal with things as they happen will help.

It sounds like you are way ahead with anticipating things and so, besides preparing for a baby, sound out and develop a plan with each other that is practical and mentally helpful to handle and  alleviate stress from building up or how to manage it. You and your husband must have developed some strategy for the marriage to happen and for him to be doing great again. I don't know if he has been dealing with impulse control or anger/frustration  management exercises or therapy that pushes him to throw things or break down doors. Children have a hard time feeling safe and get fearful around situations like that and it is something that kind of sticks with them.  

[Bubulous]

Weaver is a very good example of this.  I am glad that he wrapped it up with some positive thoughts.  If you love this man then you needn't worry because there is always a way to work things out.  Sure you ma have it a little harder than some and your children have a chance of having bipolar but we are unique and have some amazing things to contribute to a relationship and a family.
It does require a lifetime of maintenace but it is, in a sense, like marrying a man with heart disease or other medical issues. medicaton and therapy are necessary because the added stress can trigger an episode.
When I seak of therapy I mean for the both of you.  Groups like the DBSA help support not only those who suffer with bipolar and depression but also those whose lives are affected by a person with those illnesses.

[weaver71]

Being a bipolar 1 father, and talking with the partner of a bipolar 1, I almost didn't respond to this, as I don't want to be discouraging. Well, here goes. I can distinctly see how my bipolar was amplified by having kids. As far as stress goes, I don't think I have ever felt more stress than being a dad. And yes, stress can trigger bipolar. If marriage made him manic, kids are a much bigger stress than that. The reasons I had such a hard time, and I remember being conscious of it, was that I had to be consistent, provide, guide, basically play God for the these human beings I love more than anyone I have ever known. I tried to stop feeling solely responsible for them, but I simply couldn't have faith they will be fine. As time passed, I ended up addicted to opiates, so I could keep working enough to support my kids. The pressure grew, as the kids got older. Then, I quit opiates and had a psychotic break. I can't even describe the pressure I felt, the confusion, frustration, insanity, it all seems kind of surreal now. I could have gone about all of different and been better off.

My oldest kid was about 10 when I lost it totally, I really scared my kids and wife. After awhile, they began to believe i was gone, that my mind would never return. All this was very difficult, as you might imagine. The thing is, I intentionally avoided working on my bipolar back then. I didn't want to be told how I am supposed to feel and what I am supposed to do as a bipolar. It took a mental break to convince me it was important enough to focus on. Had I focused on recovery, before kids, or in their early life, things could have turned out much different, though my kids and I have a great relationship now. So, my question to you is, does he see the problem and is he working on it, or is he just making due on his own? Personally, I wouldn't want to do things by winging it again. I love being bipolar, I'm sure that sounds odd, but that is how I cope with it. Bipolar are often really unique and amazing people, so they are worth the effort to know them, if they are working hard to know themselves. Where is he with all this?

[Beautifulisshe]

hi to be honest I have two kids and suffer with bipolar and it's the hardest thing I've ever done.  I love my kids but I'm somewhat detaches at times when my irritability and depression come in.  I would say if he is getting help to def talk to his therapist because sometimes they will recommend u not have certain relationships if its that bad.  I really hope things work out because bipolar is a struggle ...

[breakdance202]

I'm not a man, but after having a baby I got postpartum depression really bad and horrible anxiety. And really, overall, the first year of her life was just bad for me. The depression got better, but I was still stressed out and anxious. Still am actually. Major life altering situations trigger me.

So, when you two decide to start a family, I'd recommend having a plan in place for after the baby is born for your husband (like, what to do if he seems to be starting to have an episode, therapy in place, etc.). I wish we would have planned better.