Aa
Aa
A
A
A
Close
Avatar universal

Bipolar Relationships

This might be a stupid question. But for those who have bipolar (like me) how are you able to have relationships. Me I have never been in one or in love, Just lust when those manic days hit and this cause me to try for a relationship for all the wrong reasons. So how are you able to do it.
56 Responses
Sort by: Helpful Oldest Newest
Avatar universal
I understand that it's difficult being with someone who is suffering from Bi-Polar disorder, especially if they are not taking their medications, seeing their psychiatrist and doing the proper maintenance that is required for the disorder.
I have been diagnosed with Bi-polar disorder and borderline personality disorder for five years, since I was 18. I work for Addictons and Mental Health so I understand these comments concerning this disorder from both perspectives but I have recently been in a situation that I haven't encountered, personly, and would like some imput.

I have been with my boyfriend for two years now. We work together and deal with similar situations. He is not Bipolar but he does deal with Depression, anxiety and OCD. He is also seven years older than me (I know, there's alot of factors going against this relationship to begin with) and has recently said to me that he needs space because he cannot deal with my Bi-polar. We are still together, and he tell me he loves me all the time, but he would just like us to see each other less outside of work. I appreciate him being honest with me, as we have been very close and honest throughout our relationship seeing how we both have mental health issues, but it leaves me wondering... If he can't deal with my Bi-polar disorder now, should I even remain in the relationship? He said that if I didn't have this disorder that "I would be perfect for him and would have no complaints". But now he wonders that if the costs out weigh the benefits of our relationship, the costs referring to my conditions.

This conversation stemmed from a rare arguement we had this weekend, where he got so messed up at a party that I had to say something, which eventually just turned into an episode.

What makes the situation even more difficult is that he does have several substance abuse and self medicating problems (I know, ironic as we both work in the Addiction Services and Mental health field) and suffers from periodic bouts of severe anxiety and depression. He also does not take his medication and has not seen help for the past year.

Normally, I would completely understand him wanting space: we work together, have similar friends and my condition can be frustrating when I have low moments. But we have never had a fight or argument before this (I understand that arguments and fights are healthy, but it's almost eerie how we get along). I haven't had a manic incident in over a year, besides this weekend, as I seek help and taking my medication regularly as well as balance it with exercise and diet. No one actually knows of my conditions except for family, my boss and my boyfriend, as my manic episodes have been few and far between and I would rather not dicuss this with family members.

I'm suspecting he may be putting his issues and anxieties that he has onto myself but I don't want to come to that conclusion until I am certain (that is why I would like some feedback). I have had boyfriends leave me before due to my conditions but at those times, it was understandable. I was young, not taking my medication regularly (trust me, it makes a difference) and was having manic and low moments regularly. I have made alot of progress from 3-4 years ago and grown personally able to be on my own comfortably.

If I could get some feedback, that would be greatly appreciated. I guess what I am asking for feedback on is should I give him space or just let him go? If he can't deal with my Bi-Polar disorder now, what would be the point of continuing a serious relationship as he will continue to become discouraged with my conditions and just leave and be hurt. Typically I would speak with friends about relationship situations but they do not know of my conditions and after reading previous posts made, I think this would be a great forum to express my concerns. Let me know!

Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
This is a real light bulb era for me!
If anyone would care to share examples of behaviours that you have displayed, please do?
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
yes im the same way..when im high i can talk the talk..when i come down there wanting me,,but i chicken out..bipolar and relationships wont work wile im not medicated..but if someone is in one already it does ok i guess is what i heard..
Helpful - 0
952564 tn?1268368647
Well, it makes sense that you wouldn't notice because bipolar peole tend to jump around a lot. The second I thought I was too good for a job (grandiosity) because I was a genius, and geniuses don't work retail, I would quit. Or, other similar reasons. I jumped from job to job, then I would say, "I'm not a job hopper. I had every good reason to leave that job." >.> Everyone labeled me as irresponsible, even though at the same time I attended school and was never late and had straight As. (Of course I would always drop 1 class every semester, it never failed, so it was there, too.) So people would say I was lazy. No one ever thought to say, maybe something else is going on here. Never.

So, don't feel bad. I was suicidal and everything and somehow I made it through. I think a lot of us never caught it sooner. And all of my ex-friends I had them for 10 years or more, (ex because I finally came to realize what horrible and abusive people they really were, and not due to me being paranoid.)
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Thank you Xila. Your words have helped me a lot.

I didn't know I had a condition, I always blamed it on circumstances. Then one day, when I realised i couldn't have asked for a better life,.. But I was still depressed.

And my happy self disagreed with my unhappy self. So much so that I would have x2 different opinions about the same thing from one moment to the next.
That's when I realised something was up, and linked all my highs and lows.

My life was very unstable, we moved house alot, my parents divorcing and remarrying, changing schools every year (because of all the moving around), new friends all the time.
After school I travelled, moved here, moved there, moved jobs - so I couldn't really see a pattern amidst all the commotion.
I also never really had friends long enough that they would notice (I think) The one or 2 that did notice, were quickly discarded from my friends list - as "they are just being mean and my paranoia was perfectly reasonable"

Thank you, writing to you has given me insight on why I never noticed a pattern before.
Helpful - 0
952564 tn?1268368647
Well, you say that if you knew earlier that he could have made a more informed decision. But that's not how love works. If you love someone for real, then it really doesn't matter if you have an illness. What if you did have cancer? Would that have been more or less fair? We live the life we are given and the people we have are who we need to make it through, and they're the ones who need us, too. It's a circle.

So, it is better to be greatful for your husband than to regret that he's not with someone without BP. I know I am greatful for my husband. I'm just glad I have someone who can stand my craziness. :)
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
it's hard to come to terms with something that I mistook for a quirky and moody personality.
I have always been very energetic, and used to blame my lows on boredom.
The energy became less and it came in bouts as time went by.

Last year I quit drinking as it was only causing trouble in my life. It was then that I realised, I'm still feeling very bad, and I'm not hung over.
I actually felt depressed, tired, drained and physically ill.
felt so bad, I thought I had a disease like cancer.

This concerned me as I always viewed myself as an energetic person.
After numerous visits to my GP and tests, etc, the doctor mentioned that I may have to start medication for anxiety.
I saw a psychiatrist, who diagnosed me with BP.
I must say, my quality of life and my relationships have vastly improved.
Still have that feeling of 'what's it all for', but we are still tweaking the meds.
It was really strange for me to realise that all my past behaviours, linked up to BP.
I wish I was diagnosed earlier.
It would have saved a lot of friendships, and embarassment.
I am with a wonderful man, he is understanding, I just feel it is so unfair to him, that he's married to me having BP, I feel bad that I didn't figure it out before we got married so that he could have made a more informed decision
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I am 23 and was diagnosed a few years ago. I absolutely understand the fear of telling someone you like that you have Bipolar Disorder, to be honest before I was diagnosed I think knowing that some guy I liked had Bipolar Disorder would influence my decision about being in a relationship with someone.

I kind of liked this one guy last year and over the summer I started acting "funny"; sending overemotional emails that weren't really reflective of how I thought/felt. I have an awesome family and they quickly noticed I wasn't acting myself; I was in hospital and my medication was changed (which was fantastic!). Probably too soon afterwards, I told him about the diagnosis and things quickly dissolved. I think if I were just acting like myself things would have played out very differently.

When I was first diagnosed I thought that this was a death sentence to a life of singledom but I find my strength in God. Honestly, 1 Peter 2:7 is a verse that came to mind the other night "give all your cares to Him because he cares for you". I want to be in a healthy relationship one day and I trust God with my life. I saw a counsellor a couple of years ago as well and she said that as soon as I was seriously dating someone that I could just bring him in and she could explain a little bit about the disorder and how to deal with it. I have a fantastic doctor and really good friends and family so I think whomever I end up with will have support to know if I am acting weird or off.  
Helpful - 0
952564 tn?1268368647
I think the thing about relationships is if you try to force yourself to find someone you never will. You just have to live your life and let nature take it's course. The right person comes along when you are not looking for them. It is sort of like boiling water. If you stand there and stare at the pot, it never seems to happen.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Thanks for the encouragement, I knew that was true with what you said, it's just going to take a while.
Helpful - 0
1039200 tn?1314912008
Well, I am bipolar and my partner has schizophrenia which severely affects his social functioning, and against the odds we are making the relationship work. He shares many of the problems you experience, but despite this has he helped me more than he will ever know. So don't write a relationship off, you just need someone who understands you and accepts you for who you are, and there is someone out there just like that, so don't give up!!
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
It's also hard even for "normal" people to form an everlasting relationship that lasts as a forever marriage because it's like only 0.01% of the people out there will work that way for you and everyone else.  Just look at how many divorces there are these days now that human rights have advanced since the past.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I've been diagnosed with schizophrenia and am not entirely socially competent and have had abuse that makes it really difficult to form a real relationship as well as form feelings for someone and have only really had one long term relationship.  It happened entirely against all odds as well because she was pissed enough to hate me although she tends to hate people easily after I found out later and she also has the same problems there when forming relationships but in a different form.  I've been on a few dates before but they never went anywhere.  I miss some social cues such as ones that are supposed to show you a person is interested in you so it comes across to me like no one is interested in me which as you can imagine is probably like wtf when you go from that to them wanting your number for example.  I don't know how to describe how it is when you love someone.  I don't believe love is an emotion and people rather mistake an emotional high for it a lot of times because I'm emotionally numb but still can love someone.  I think maybe it has to do with the amount you care about a person such as if you're willing to give or risk your life or personal security for them.
Helpful - 0
539549 tn?1315981662
ok well recently I met a guy who is VERY easygoing and logical in his thoughts...
How did I know I ofund the right person?????
You can never really be 100% certain
But a sign that your in the right direction is when you care about the other person's welfare enought to compromise...and that your goal in the relationship is not entire based on what you want but also fulfilling what they want
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
When were you able to know you found that person and trust them enough to open up to you?  Sorry if I am being personal.
Helpful - 0
539549 tn?1315981662
I've had two long term relationships one lasted 3.5 years and the other
I'm in now about 8-9 months.
Its possible to have a relationship with bipolar
you just need to find someone who accepts you for you.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Thank you all for your comments. You guys are the best
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
It was a relief - it's so funny, and my friends don't understand that comment.  They are like, OMG, arent you TERRIFIED!?!?  I have told them, terrifying is not knowing why you do things you are doing, can't stop doing them, and feeling like a degenerate  because you can hear the things you do and say and can't stop it.

I told a friend of mine recently that it was kind of like the movie "Fight Club" with Brad Pitt and Edward Norton.  Through the WHOLE MOVIE, you don't realize that those 2 people are the same person and at the end, when you see that they are, you say, "OH, that makes sense why he did/saw those things!"  Not to say that I was violent or anything, but it's like watching 2 different people at times, and think - good grief, what is "she" thinking!  

Yep, the meds are like turning on a light for me.  I am going toward the 200mg mark on Lamicital, and the pdoc is looking at the addition of an antidepressant, but has to get me stabilized on the the Lamacital first, he says.  

My mania was at the psychotic stage over the last year.  I lost one of my best friends to suicide and it just sent me spinning.  I honestly don't think I slept for 3 months - my eyes were closed a lot, but didn't sleep.  I was already in a manic episode, but that really did me in.  

It's weird to talk to my family though.  They are a very much "pick yourself up by the boot straps" kind of Southern family, and since my diagnosis, my Mom seems to distance herself from me.  Like she's to blame.  I know that my genetics and upbringing are a part of my bipolar - and I understand with my boys that I don't want to harm them from mistakes I have made (hopefully), so I understand her but it hurts a little.  ....ok, a lot.  She's always like, "Honey, just raise your hand and praise Jesus, for all you have and don't let the devil come into your heart with those bad feelings!"  That makes you feel good - now I have the devil in me!  Whatever.  

Anyway, thank you for your insight.  After reading the blogs on here, yours is one of my favorites.  You are so honest in your words.

Rach
Helpful - 0
607502 tn?1288247540
My psychologist hates the word normal - I tell her I don't feel normal and she asks me to define normal and I have not yet ever been able to because normal is what works for you.

Coping skills vary, I know from where I sit I have good times and bad times and its often related to stress in my life.  Often its hard to see it coming and then when it hits you find yourself in the middle of a mess.

My wife and I have learned a lot along the way and one of the major things I cling to is the basic lesson any psych or therapist should tell you upon diagnosis - "Be true to yourself" - if you can be honest with yourself about who you are and how you feel every day then you can face just about anything I have found.

RE: Cowgirlnerd - Isnt Diagnosis a wonderful relief !  That moment of having an answer, of realising that you are not just 'Crazy' but that there is a reason for why you feel the way you feel is amazing - suddenly you have permission to admit to yourself that you are what you are inside.  Its a funny thing to have that and yes the drugs make such a difference - right before I had to finally admit i was Bipolar (couldnt run from it anymore) i was seriously manic, i had been cycling rapidly for months sometimes daily and sometimes more often and my mania was approaching pyschoses at times - I was terrifyingly paranoid and I know about jibber jabber trust me.  I was ironically working massive hours and achieving like no toomorow because I had all this energy..

I actually started Lithium and things did not change much, I have diverticulitis among other stomach and bowel issues and it turned out I was not absorbing so I was manic all the time.  Then I went and had surgery and 8 weeks leave.  I came back calm and in control and people didn't know what to think - It was so much fun.

Im glad to read what you wrote, Its how I feel most days though I cant kill the noise in my head, I still have the messy thoughts a lot but Ive learned to work with them and its not a problem as long as I sleep - I found my brain too flat when the meds killed all the thoughts in my head and decided with my psych that if thats healthy im staying a little unhealthy for now.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Thank you so much!  Boy, somedays, I feel like a (my therapist says to quit saying this...) a NUT JOB!  It's been very much a relief to get the diagnosis finally, and also, scary.  I actually had a "friend" tell me that he thought the whole depression thing was just a pity party, and he didn't think that I had real issues because I was a typically upbeat person.  I told him - YEAH, because you only are ALLOWED to see me in the manic side - that sides WONDERFUL!  Needless to say, we don't talk much anymore.

I am the same way about not coping well with someone else going through hard times.  My sister was having some pity parties (she is the typical Middle Child - Marsha Marsha Marsha [Brady Bunch] type), and I just told her I couldn't deal with her things right now.  She was furious, but I decided that it's time to be a little selfish and take care of myself.

Yeah, I don't really look for anyone in a relationship.  I don't think I am anywhere ready for that - plus my REAL friends tell me that they will smack me if I get involved with anyone.. LOL.  I am trying to focus on things I have always wanted to do and figure out "who" I am and enjoy my kids and just be blessed by getting help.  PLUS, in the past, I have had a hard time letting go of past relationships - my exes say I am the best ex-girlfriend in the world - stay friends, etc. (not hard when you don't invest a lot of yourself into it...).

Anyway, I am RELIEVED that I have my diagnosis.  Dealing with the "quietness" I am experiencing - it's a lot different.  People around me are confused because I am not the jibber jabber of the manic person - they think I am mad..   One of my real friends told me the other day that he couldn't remember sitting and watching a movie with me without me talking talking talking or getting up and doing stuff the entire time.  I like the quiet (except for that wonderfully constant noise in my head - audio commentating or songs) that I have now.

Thanks again for the insight.  

:)
Rach
Helpful - 0
610665 tn?1237848048
I was once asked , because I raised a question about not coping when someone else is going through tough times... especially the ones who are close to me. I wanted to know why my daughter does not accept that I may be feeling sick (cold/flu/headache,etc) but my son is the opposite he will make sure I am ok and will put a blanky on me and get me drink (so adorable) yet my daughter will demand more of me than normal..
Someone asked me if it was because in her eyes I am very important to her and she needs to know and see that I am ok and by demanding more from me rather than allowing me to rest and get better it assures her little mind that I will be here and nothing is wrong... Does this make sense?
So this made me think about it and I realised  that I too am similar, I need to know that the people I care about will still be here and they are ok and as soon as they are not I find I make matters worse by almost to the extreme of pushing them away...

You both will get through this and it sounds to me that your partner is a very special person and understands you quiet well... vice versa.  

Take care
bp13 xxx
Helpful - 0
610665 tn?1237848048
After I got out of hospital I changed big time!
I was so scared of being my normal self (what is that anyway) and I became very quiet..
It has been 3years now since I have been in hospital and it is only now that I have come out of my shell. I am taking Valpro and zoloft... I too was diagnosed with depression for years and was only on zoloft...

Sometimes I stop and ask myself if I have wiped out the real me and If I will ever be able to cope without these meds.

Last year My doc and I tried to ween me off the valpro to see how I would go and all was ok for the first week or so and then I felt so much anxiety and decided to not come off it.  I hate the fact I am putting on so much weight due to the meds and I feel it slows me down..

I use to be ok chatting with people and meeting new people but now I become anxious and I feel I almost come across as a weird sort to other people.

I would love to come off  the valpro one day! I wonder if I am addicted to it psychologically and that is why I become anxious.... (who knows)

I often feel and friends have said to me that I have changed and that I am a lot more quieter than before, but my husband feels that I have become more stable and not so impulsive... I certainly miss my loud days but not the impact it had on my life.

Identity crisis? Yes, I fight with myself about who I really am and if these meds have taken over my personality...
One day you will be able to trust your attractions but you need to make sure that you are in a good place and trust the people around you that now you and your behavior and take some time out for you, don't concentrate on finding someone special, concentrate on what makes you feel special and start to enjoy the things you like to do or once like doing... The hardest part to that is doing it... yes BP is weird.

Take care
bp13 xxx
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Your comments are right on in so many ways - you help a lot of people.  

I know about the emotional thing - avoid it like the plague, myself.

I have been thinking about one thing a lot since diagnosis - since I have suffered with this in some way since childhood, been medicated for 20 years (half of my life) for depression instead of bi-polar, do I know what "personality" I have - what if the personality after treatment makes me someone I can't stand?  Is that stupid?  Since being on Lamactical for awhile, I am somber - quiet, people REALLY get on my nerves easy.

Has anyone had an identity crisis?  I wonder since I don't know this stuff, and also, how will I be able to trust my attractions to anyone or even know what interest I (the real me) will have?

BP is weird.
Helpful - 0
607502 tn?1288247540
Simple answer is I am not coping, The reality is (and I am sure others out there are the same) that Im not good at dealing with other people being over emotional now - i shut down and thats hard on a wife so you try to be there but emotionally youre not if you see what I mean - its a hard thing because Ive found I do not control it, it just is.

Im just trying to stay sane and out of hospital right now and stop myself giving some of her family the mouthful they so deserve - it takes adults to really point out how mature small children are sometimes.

Every day is another day.  Thats my mantra in the end.
Helpful - 0
Have an Answer?

You are reading content posted in the Bipolar Disorder Community

Top Mood Disorders Answerers
Avatar universal
Arlington, VA
Learn About Top Answerers
Didn't find the answer you were looking for?
Ask a question
Popular Resources
15 signs that it’s more than just the blues
Discover the common symptoms of and treatment options for depression.
We've got five strategies to foster happiness in your everyday life.
Don’t let the winter chill send your smile into deep hibernation. Try these 10 mood-boosting tips to get your happy back
A list of national and international resources and hotlines to help connect you to needed health and medical services.
Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.