Bipolar g/friend has a bad episode and breaks up rel/ship. What should I do?

[nickchipp]

My g/friend is Bipolar and a rapid cycler. She recently had a bad episode (lots of erratic behaviour, racing thoughts etc) and said she wanted space from me to think about things. She also said she didn't think she was in love with me - even though we had been talking about our future together only a few days before!

Please believe me when I tell you there was 'nothing' wrong with the relationship - I know you can only take my word on this - but during our 2 and a half years together - not one cross word or raised voice.

And even though she had some bipolar 'peculiarities' - I soon got used to these as just being a part of 'her'.

So I've read that this may be a common trait with BPers? The need for space and the need during stressful times to cut loose their partner.

I've also been told not to take this personally - that this is a time their bipolar is ruling them - is that true?

And obviously if she has an adjustment in her meds - can this help bring her out of this? It's been three / four weeks now since we've spoken. Should I continue to give her 'space'?

Thanks for your help, Nick.

[Seph1212]

When I'm in a mixed state, everything and everyone tends to set me off. In the past I'd respond by ripping everyone a new one. I've learned to ask for a time out so I can cool off. Some people gladly accept the time out, while others may feel hurt by the request. This can result in me returning to ripping them apart.

Also, when manic, I want to do everything with everyone. No plan is too grand and nothing is off limits. However, most people can only share my vision up to a certain point. When they back down, or that is to say when I'm thwarted, or even if the wind blows from a different direction...I'm sure you know what's coming next.

[sarcasm]It's all very lovely isn't it?[/sarcasm]

So, if she's anything like me, give her that time out, and watch from a safe distance letting her know you're still there. If she's a rapid cycler, she'll be back soon. Also when she's leveled out, it'll be a good time to really open up the channels of communication with each other to prepare for next time.

[softtail98]

I was Dx Bipolar 3-1/2 years ago. Suicide attempt,all most made it. My life is hell now. Impotent from the SSR'I drugs, wife giving up on me, family will not have anything to do with me. My Daughter did not even call me on my Birthday. I am full of extreme anxiety all day, I have to use the VA for treatment. I changed Doctors Last week He is taking me off the one drug that help's me. Klonopin  3 mgm. I left there in a very sad mood. He pot me on Tegretol, first pill I had a bad reaction. I have been a medical professional for over 38 years, There are no more drugs for me to tale. I did them all. That's how I got SSRI sexual Dysfunction. I today 12/18 11 am giving up. Nothing can be done for me. I lost my State License to do my work. Evert thing is down hill now. Nothing to look forward to. I f I tell the Doctors how I really feel the will put me back in the Mental hospital. Klonopin make it able to sleep. I take 400 mgm of  OTC sleep meds then 1 hour later I take 3 mgm Klonopin. If for some reason I dont get to sleep I have Hell to pay all night and all the next day. I don't know what I can do. Lost carrer loosing wife will loose house soon i Cant stand this Constant anxiety. They will not treat it because of my Over dose on Valium . No help for me.. Dave

[LittleTootie]

Also, it helps to give her space, but maybe contact her every now and then to let her know you're still there for her. It's unfortunate she's not very open to you with this, but the fact that she's getting help is a step in the right direction. Perhaps you could send her flowers or something...

[LittleTootie]

My boyfriend is the same way. I know it's not easy being with a rapid-cycler. However, I have been determined to make this work, and we've been together for four years and are now engaged. Perhaps seeing a counselor or a support group would help you learn to deal with the emotional ups and downs you go through as a result of her bipolar. I've had some pretty nasty fights with my boyfriend, but since he's been on Abilify the rapid cycling has drastically decreased. Good luck in this relationship, and know you are not alone in this struggle.
-Melanie

[vsantos]

Hello,

  I really don;t have a lot of 'positives' to tell you. But I do beleive when you say your relationship was fine.
  My husband had a bad Manic Episode 8 months ago. We've been happily married for 12 years, we have a beautiful 3 year old, lots of plans for the future, another child...and when he got Manic he told me the reason for his sufering was me, and we needed to separate.
  I can tell yuo that we're 8 months into his treatment, not he is 'stabilized' but for about 6 months his behaviors and constat attacks towards me endured.
    Right now, that he is sort of back to the 'real world' I think the shame is so big that he prefers to not talk to me at all about any of what happened and though we don't talk much (we still live together) in his mind we are separated.
   It's very difficult, confusing, and though I know he is ill, I don't know waht to do anymore.
    I waited, listened, gave him space, didn't ask questions, the whole family gave and still gives him love and show him how supportive of him we are, but he still chooses not to talk about it at all.
   See waht else you could do, but really don't push the subject.
  In my case now, that he is sort of better, I am starting to question things, after all they do need to take some responsibility for their actions and treatment, but I always go easy and with repespect to his sitution.
   But it is the hardest, most challenging thing I've ever been through in my life...it's almost as if I lost the husband that loved me for 12 years for this Illness and I never had a chance to say goodbye!!!!

  Good Luck!

[b1944]

love her
hold her
talk to her
listen to her
love her
love her
love her

[nickchipp]

Hey everyone

Thanks for your help.

Well it's been quite the rollercoaster. She rang me out of the blue as she had locked her keys out of the house and needed my spare set. We had a good, light chat. Big thing was she told me 'I've been seeing my psychiatrist' - which I told her was great! I dropped the keys over and a belated b/day present from my Mum. She texted me later that night - thanking me and finishing the text with a kiss - 'x'. Like we used to, to each other.

A week later I bumped into her at work (we work in the same industry)I just waved and kept on walking but she came after me to say hello. She looked OK - not great - but she noticed things about me - that I had new clothes on and had grown some facial stubble. I just made sure I made her laugh a bit. Then she asked if I wanted to meet up for a coffee next week which surprised me. She also wanted me to say hello to my parents from her.

So it seems like she is opening up to me more - maybe this could be some progress? What do you think?

Nick

[BD63085]

Do not worry.  This happens with me all the time.  I just did the same thing the other day.  Please be patient with her because you do not know what has caused this situation (there is always a trigger).

Or...It could be a true disagreement.  Everything that happens in a relationship with a bipolar person is not their disorder.  Sometimes something that is said or done can offend a person on a "normal" level.

It sounds like the best way to resolve this issue is to communicate (if it is possible).  

[piggymalone]

I'm bipolar II and also a rapid cycler. I recognise this same behavior in myself. When I'm in a depressive phase, I can get very paranoid and convince myself that people who care about me.....don't really care at all and are messing with me as a part of some game or other. This can cause me to be quite destructive as far as freinds and relationships go. I'm very wary and untrusting generally. I need a huge amount of convincing that people are genuine. Somebody can tell me they love me one day and the next day I'm unbelieving and full of doubt. Hope this helps......

[moonpanda]

I hope your girlfriend feels better soon. She might really need you when she comes back to baseline. I've been with my boyfriend for roughly the same amount of time as you, and it's been very tough at times. I've had episodes where I'm extremely agitated, crawling out of my skin, hopelessly dysphoric, and terribly paranoid. I have blind, overflowing rage at everything and everyone, indiscriminately. The entire world is scary and threatening, and all I want to do is hide in a hole or run far, far away. So, on many occasions, I've screamed and verbally abused my boyfriend for even daring to come into the same room as me, and many times I ran away from our apartment in the middle of the night and hid out in the school library, or sat on a bus for hours, or roamed the city until the next day. During these episodes, I've definitely felt like I didn't want to be with my boyfriend, who has been such a good and understanding friend to me though all of this. I felt very trapped, even though he was simply trying to support me. Sometimes it's very hard for someone with this disorder to get out of their own head. Like Xila said, just continue to show your love and support, and hopefully she'll soon be in a space where you can talk about what happened and go from there. I wish you both luck!

[Xila31]

Well, everyone with bipolar seems to have a different reaction when they hit a bad episode. I know that for me, I get into these places where I feel like the whole world is against me and everyone is attacking me. I feel like no one loves me or cares and I just want to get away.

But, I also want to note that just because you've never had an argument, or cross words as you put it, that doesn't mean nothing is wrong in your relationship. In fact, in my mind never arguing is a huge red flag that something is very, very wrong. I can tell you frome experience that with my ex husband, everyone thought we were perfect. We never had arguments or anything like that. But I absolutely hated him and we were a horrible match. (There were some big reasons for this, but I won't go into detail here.) Just because things seem normal on the surface doesn't mean that they are good. Perhaps discussing the future scared her for some reason. Maybe once she is treated and out of her episode the two of you should sit down and discuss this, but wait until she is better because it might be too much for her now. Until then, just continue to show you love her and support her even in her difficult times.

[shay69]

I cant speak for your girl but when I get into a rage and that happens alot I feel like leaving my husband too, but I don't have thoughts at all like that when I'm not raging. and I think u should let her know that u understand and are here for her in any way and support her and will be there for her if she needs anything especially to just talk. I get all kinds of crazy sometimes and don't even understand it myself. I hope things work out for you and its great that you are understanding of her. Hang in there