Aa
I can't do it anymore...
I can't do it anymore.
My wife, among having other problems, is bipolar. Was diagnosed about 15 years ago. Has been on many medications, and she is currently on Pristiq and Klonipin. She's been on Effexor, Zoloft, Lithium and so many others that I can't even remember.
She also suffers from very high anxiety, hypochondria, agoraphobia, fibromyalgia (self-diagnosed), and she thinks she's also borderline Aspergers (again, self-diagnosed). She only leaves the house for doctors appointments (of which get cancelled or postponed a lot) or rare family occasions like Thanksgiving and Christmas.
She spends, literally, ALL of her time on the computer (this was an issue even before we got married). I've tried talking to her about it. I even tried disconnecting the internet one day to cut her off from it only to get a panicked call that she could not get online. When I told her that she doesn't need to be online, she says she needs to tell people stuff, and that they'll worry if they don't see her.
Her current psych doesn't think she's bipolar, but didn't have to live through her manic/depressive phases before we finally found a medication that worked (Pristiq), and now he wants to take her off of it.
Her PCP has told me directly that she's got multiple personality disorders (he's the one that originally put her on the Pristiq). He's also seen her break down in his office on a few occasions.
Her family has been of no help. It took them a good 10 plus years to even admit she had problems, and the MIL even had the gall to blame them on me right to my face (twice!). Even since they've come to the conclusion that she has issues, they've done nothing to help, it's almost as if they want to ignore her problems and hope they will go away.
I've been told, both by doctors and other people in similar situations, that there's no cure or fix, that it's not going to get better and that will probably only get worse.
I can't do it anymore. I'm at the end of my rope. I have no one to turn to for help. I am trapped inside my own house and have no life because of this. I feel more like a caretaker than a husband anymore. I don't know what to do and I really don't want to spend the rest of my life like this.
What can I do?? :(
My wife, among having other problems, is bipolar. Was diagnosed about 15 years ago. Has been on many medications, and she is currently on Pristiq and Klonipin. She's been on Effexor, Zoloft, Lithium and so many others that I can't even remember.
She also suffers from very high anxiety, hypochondria, agoraphobia, fibromyalgia (self-diagnosed), and she thinks she's also borderline Aspergers (again, self-diagnosed). She only leaves the house for doctors appointments (of which get cancelled or postponed a lot) or rare family occasions like Thanksgiving and Christmas.
She spends, literally, ALL of her time on the computer (this was an issue even before we got married). I've tried talking to her about it. I even tried disconnecting the internet one day to cut her off from it only to get a panicked call that she could not get online. When I told her that she doesn't need to be online, she says she needs to tell people stuff, and that they'll worry if they don't see her.
Her current psych doesn't think she's bipolar, but didn't have to live through her manic/depressive phases before we finally found a medication that worked (Pristiq), and now he wants to take her off of it.
Her PCP has told me directly that she's got multiple personality disorders (he's the one that originally put her on the Pristiq). He's also seen her break down in his office on a few occasions.
Her family has been of no help. It took them a good 10 plus years to even admit she had problems, and the MIL even had the gall to blame them on me right to my face (twice!). Even since they've come to the conclusion that she has issues, they've done nothing to help, it's almost as if they want to ignore her problems and hope they will go away.
I've been told, both by doctors and other people in similar situations, that there's no cure or fix, that it's not going to get better and that will probably only get worse.
I can't do it anymore. I'm at the end of my rope. I have no one to turn to for help. I am trapped inside my own house and have no life because of this. I feel more like a caretaker than a husband anymore. I don't know what to do and I really don't want to spend the rest of my life like this.
What can I do?? :(
As far as my lifestyle goes, I am alive but not living as they say. I go to work then I come home and take care of the wife and the house. That's about the extent of it. I can't even remember the last time I or we had a real vacation.
But, I think it's time for me to move on. I love my wife, and would have no problems taking her to doctors appointments for the rest of her life, but I cannot hold on to hope anymore that anything is going to work or things are going to get better. I've tried it so many times to make things work and held on to hope so many times in the past that I have pretty much lost all hope and am burned out to the point that I need medications myself to help me deal with it.
Unfortunately, I really can't see spending the rest of my life like this.
I've tried. I just can't do it anymore.
But, I think it's time for me to move on. I love my wife, and would have no problems taking her to doctors appointments for the rest of her life, but I cannot hold on to hope anymore that anything is going to work or things are going to get better. I've tried it so many times to make things work and held on to hope so many times in the past that I have pretty much lost all hope and am burned out to the point that I need medications myself to help me deal with it.
Unfortunately, I really can't see spending the rest of my life like this.
I've tried. I just can't do it anymore.
Hi there!
First i'd like to say: You are NOT alone!
Secondly, I'm also Bipolar, so I understand what you are going through. It is hard. I hope my advice will help. (While I am sure you have done many of the things that I will write, hear me out. Take out of it what you need. :))
1. Take a step back and assess what you need out of life.
Seriously. Take a time out. Go somewhere where you can be alone and think about what is important to you. Make a list if that helps. Consider what your lifestyle is at the moment. Is it a healthy one?
Because if you are not ok, how can you take care of anyone else? It's like trying to bandage a wound with a broken bandage. It doesn't work.
2. Both of you need professional help.
There is no way around that. ..and with professional I mean qualified ppl (preferably a Psychologist, as well as a psychiatrist) who you will see at least once a month for the rest of you life. And I mean REST OF YOUR LIFE!! It takes time finding someone you get along well enough for them to be able to help you. It took me a good 10 years to get used to the idea that I was not healthy, nor coping. The not coping becomes such a norm that you don't know any different.
Also I don't necessarily mean seeing a professional together, at the same time. You might need to vent and having your partner there, may hurt your relationship, before healing may even begin.
You will be given coping mechanism, which will take time to implement, and be hard to stick to. (one of the previous posts above mentioned enabling - don't discard it. you may not even be aware of it.) But if you have made the decision to stick it out, do it.
Psychiatrist: Once medication has been prescribed. She needs to stick to it. NO MATTER WHAT. Don't do anything without the yay or nay of your psychiatrist. If she or you think that the side effects are undesirable write it down and mention it at the next visit at the psychiatrist. List moods/ symptoms etc. Her view as well as yours. try be rational. There are great apps today - moodtrackers- which will pick up spikes in behavior and warn you. Google about it a little.
These regular visits will become you safety net.
3. Do not involve unwilling Parties. In fact remove anyone who pulls you and your loved one down!
With that I mean people who blame, are negative toward your situation, niggle and in general are unsupportive and destructive i.e. Her family.
They cannot help you and will make you feel worse.
As much as one (myself included) wants the support of family, you cannot force this. It is not, nor ever will be in your power to change how they think and behave, if they do not want that change.
(Sometimes a sickness like this leads parents to believe they are a failure, because something went wrong with the way they parented..etc. - and the first defense you put up is a very typical one: I didn't do anything wrong, YOU DID. The thought of your child being in such a miserable state, and that you are helpless bystander, is a pain that a lot of parents/ family cannot handle. SO they push very hard.
A wrong response, but the only one they are actually capable of at that time. You only have control of how you behave/ act and think.
- So surround yourself with people who can support you/ will support you.
I am very lucky to have a loving, understanding supportive partner and it's been a very tough road (for him as well as myself), but love, a fairly normal lifestyle, and success professionally IS POSSIBLE!! You need to get a grip on your situation, because no-one else is going to do this for you.
Fyi. I was diagnosed over 15 years ago and am still seeing a psychologist once every 2 months (depending on relapses) and a psychiatrist every 3 months. Generally to tell them that everything is fine. :)
If there is anything else I can help with, any questions you might have, simply reach out, yes?
I wish you well in whatever you decide.
Kim
First i'd like to say: You are NOT alone!
Secondly, I'm also Bipolar, so I understand what you are going through. It is hard. I hope my advice will help. (While I am sure you have done many of the things that I will write, hear me out. Take out of it what you need. :))
1. Take a step back and assess what you need out of life.
Seriously. Take a time out. Go somewhere where you can be alone and think about what is important to you. Make a list if that helps. Consider what your lifestyle is at the moment. Is it a healthy one?
Because if you are not ok, how can you take care of anyone else? It's like trying to bandage a wound with a broken bandage. It doesn't work.
2. Both of you need professional help.
There is no way around that. ..and with professional I mean qualified ppl (preferably a Psychologist, as well as a psychiatrist) who you will see at least once a month for the rest of you life. And I mean REST OF YOUR LIFE!! It takes time finding someone you get along well enough for them to be able to help you. It took me a good 10 years to get used to the idea that I was not healthy, nor coping. The not coping becomes such a norm that you don't know any different.
Also I don't necessarily mean seeing a professional together, at the same time. You might need to vent and having your partner there, may hurt your relationship, before healing may even begin.
You will be given coping mechanism, which will take time to implement, and be hard to stick to. (one of the previous posts above mentioned enabling - don't discard it. you may not even be aware of it.) But if you have made the decision to stick it out, do it.
Psychiatrist: Once medication has been prescribed. She needs to stick to it. NO MATTER WHAT. Don't do anything without the yay or nay of your psychiatrist. If she or you think that the side effects are undesirable write it down and mention it at the next visit at the psychiatrist. List moods/ symptoms etc. Her view as well as yours. try be rational. There are great apps today - moodtrackers- which will pick up spikes in behavior and warn you. Google about it a little.
These regular visits will become you safety net.
3. Do not involve unwilling Parties. In fact remove anyone who pulls you and your loved one down!
With that I mean people who blame, are negative toward your situation, niggle and in general are unsupportive and destructive i.e. Her family.
They cannot help you and will make you feel worse.
As much as one (myself included) wants the support of family, you cannot force this. It is not, nor ever will be in your power to change how they think and behave, if they do not want that change.
(Sometimes a sickness like this leads parents to believe they are a failure, because something went wrong with the way they parented..etc. - and the first defense you put up is a very typical one: I didn't do anything wrong, YOU DID. The thought of your child being in such a miserable state, and that you are helpless bystander, is a pain that a lot of parents/ family cannot handle. SO they push very hard.
A wrong response, but the only one they are actually capable of at that time. You only have control of how you behave/ act and think.
- So surround yourself with people who can support you/ will support you.
I am very lucky to have a loving, understanding supportive partner and it's been a very tough road (for him as well as myself), but love, a fairly normal lifestyle, and success professionally IS POSSIBLE!! You need to get a grip on your situation, because no-one else is going to do this for you.
Fyi. I was diagnosed over 15 years ago and am still seeing a psychologist once every 2 months (depending on relapses) and a psychiatrist every 3 months. Generally to tell them that everything is fine. :)
If there is anything else I can help with, any questions you might have, simply reach out, yes?
I wish you well in whatever you decide.
Kim
I didn't mean for enabler to sound bad. A lot of us are enablers and it is an extremely hard thing to change. I'm still working on that with my older kids but I am so much better. Read up on it and you'll see. I understand your need, the responsibility to take care of her but it is wearing on you. You just can not help someone who is not willing to help themselves. And besides, she is use to this way of living at this point, why should she change. I'd like someone to take care of me too. It would be less work I had to do. Would I be helping myself physicall and emotionally, no. If my husband had to do what you do, no doubt he'd be gone. He sign up for a marriage not a child.
As for therapy. I hear a lot of excuses. If she didn't like one Therapist she tries another until she finds the right fit. A good therapist is not going to agree with this life. Perhaps she didn't like what the therapist said. She may be looking for validation. Many of us have been to multiple therapist to find the right fit.
As for her family. I don't think they see her as the black sheep. They don't let her in on any turmoil because they know she is sick and they probably think she couldn't handle it. Really they are trying to protect her in their minds. And for not calling her. Again, it's to painful for them to see and hear what bad shape their daughter is in. Avoidance is their protection. I can tell you that my mother never bothers to call and see how I am doing. At least my dad does. But this is her way of pretending everything is okay.
It certainly sounds like things need to change for your own sanity. You do deserve a life!
As for therapy. I hear a lot of excuses. If she didn't like one Therapist she tries another until she finds the right fit. A good therapist is not going to agree with this life. Perhaps she didn't like what the therapist said. She may be looking for validation. Many of us have been to multiple therapist to find the right fit.
As for her family. I don't think they see her as the black sheep. They don't let her in on any turmoil because they know she is sick and they probably think she couldn't handle it. Really they are trying to protect her in their minds. And for not calling her. Again, it's to painful for them to see and hear what bad shape their daughter is in. Avoidance is their protection. I can tell you that my mother never bothers to call and see how I am doing. At least my dad does. But this is her way of pretending everything is okay.
It certainly sounds like things need to change for your own sanity. You do deserve a life!
Well, put it to you this way, she didn't really take care of herself when she lived alone (prior to us getting married). I didn't see it back then, but now that I look back on it, it's obvious. I would go to her house and there would be unwashed dishes piled up in the sink and everywhere else, the house would be a mess and, as mentioned, she spent all of her time on the computer (that's what her parents told me at the time, anyway).
Am I an enabler? I really don't think so. I do cook for her, but if I am not at home, she does make her own meals...as long as they are easy to cook, like something that can be thrown in the microwave such as a Healthy Choice meal, leftovers or something like that. She can't cook real food and she doesn't drive (due to a bad accident she was in she's also afraid of driving). As far as her meds go, I have to give them to her otherwise she will forget to take them or just stop taking them because she gets to the point that she feels she doesn't need them anymore. Hell, I even have to constantly remind her to drink plenty of fluids every day. Like I said, I feel more like her caretaker than her husband.
I've tried, for lack of a better phrase, leading her to water by walking her through various things, but it never sticks. She might do it for a week and then she stops or gives up or something comes up that upsets her and she's right back where she started.
She's had in-home physical and emotional therapy sessions which do go well, but the insurance only covers so many visits, and once they are over, she "gets sick" again and crawls right back into her hole. And, as mentioned, she's also been to a therapist, but something happened that upset her, and she stopped going.
I've tried everything short of putting her in a home, but I'm not even sure if that would work anymore. I feel it would be the same thing it always has...she'll get on the right track, then something will happen and then she'll end up back at square one again. I've seen it happen time and time and time again over the past 15 years, and my hope (and patience) are wearing thin.
IMHO, the pills are working to a point, however she needs more than that, but I can't seem to get anyone to see that, and I am burnt to the point that I can't be the one to do it anymore.
Her family only makes matters worse. They don't call her. If she calls them, the put her off by telling her that they'll call her back but never do. If a family member is sick or ends up in the hospital, no one ever calls to tell her (for example, her mother was in the hospital recently, but it was several days before we were even notified, and they told me, not her). I often feel that they see her as the "black sheep" of the family. And this only adds to my frustrations.
As far as drinking? No. She doesn't drink or smoke.
I'm just at a loss at this point in time as far as what to do. :/
Am I an enabler? I really don't think so. I do cook for her, but if I am not at home, she does make her own meals...as long as they are easy to cook, like something that can be thrown in the microwave such as a Healthy Choice meal, leftovers or something like that. She can't cook real food and she doesn't drive (due to a bad accident she was in she's also afraid of driving). As far as her meds go, I have to give them to her otherwise she will forget to take them or just stop taking them because she gets to the point that she feels she doesn't need them anymore. Hell, I even have to constantly remind her to drink plenty of fluids every day. Like I said, I feel more like her caretaker than her husband.
I've tried, for lack of a better phrase, leading her to water by walking her through various things, but it never sticks. She might do it for a week and then she stops or gives up or something comes up that upsets her and she's right back where she started.
She's had in-home physical and emotional therapy sessions which do go well, but the insurance only covers so many visits, and once they are over, she "gets sick" again and crawls right back into her hole. And, as mentioned, she's also been to a therapist, but something happened that upset her, and she stopped going.
I've tried everything short of putting her in a home, but I'm not even sure if that would work anymore. I feel it would be the same thing it always has...she'll get on the right track, then something will happen and then she'll end up back at square one again. I've seen it happen time and time and time again over the past 15 years, and my hope (and patience) are wearing thin.
IMHO, the pills are working to a point, however she needs more than that, but I can't seem to get anyone to see that, and I am burnt to the point that I can't be the one to do it anymore.
Her family only makes matters worse. They don't call her. If she calls them, the put her off by telling her that they'll call her back but never do. If a family member is sick or ends up in the hospital, no one ever calls to tell her (for example, her mother was in the hospital recently, but it was several days before we were even notified, and they told me, not her). I often feel that they see her as the "black sheep" of the family. And this only adds to my frustrations.
As far as drinking? No. She doesn't drink or smoke.
I'm just at a loss at this point in time as far as what to do. :/
I can understand you wanting to help her. However, really you are enabling her. What motivation does she have to help herself if you do everything for her? Without knowing her whole story, based on what you are saying, she should be put into a home. Weather it's for the mentally disabled or a nursing type home. With the way she is living her life, it doesn't sound like she will get better unless she is able and capable of taking care of herself and taking control of her life. She is not doing anything that is required of someone who has bipolar and other issues. She has to take charge of her life and do things to help improve her life. The recommendations for bipolar are usually consistent pdoc visits, therapy (both consistent), meditation, yoga, walking (which ever she likes) getting bloodwork done to see if she is deficient (vit b, vit d, iron and thyroid). I myself was deficient in these and they all can effect your mood and iron can affect your energy. Again, if she is not willing to keep appts and do the things to help herself she is in serious trouble. Ultimatums are warranted. It sounds like you personally have tried everything. I believe there can be the right med out there for her (we shouldn't give up trying diff meds) or at least keep trying but she has to be med compliant, see her pdoc, at this point 2x week and make changes in her life. Maybe a short stay in a mental hospital would be a start. Many of us have had to have a stay or two or three etc. This is not an easy illness to get a handle on.
I do feel very sorry you are living like this. Life can be easier. With therapy yourself, help will be there to make decisions and get your own self back.
Does she drink alcohol?
Again, from being an outside and not a dr, this is the advice I have.
I do feel very sorry you are living like this. Life can be easier. With therapy yourself, help will be there to make decisions and get your own self back.
Does she drink alcohol?
Again, from being an outside and not a dr, this is the advice I have.
She has admitted to herself that she has problems, and has also admitted that she needs help with those problems, however appointments get missed/cancelled quite often. She was seeing a therapist, but stopped doing that. She had an appointment with her psych this past Monday, but that got canceled. It's an endless cycle. She'll start going to her appointments, then she "gets sick" and stops going. This has been going on for years.
I have to physically give her medications to her every day. If I don't give them to her, she will either forget to take them or just not take them at all.
I also have to feed her (not physically feed her, but make food for her), make sure she drinks enough fluids, etc.
She does clean herself regularly (sink baths, showers), however I have to be present when she takes a shower because she's afraid of slipping and falling.
She basically cannot, or does not want to, take care of herself. If I wasn't there she'd be in a world of mess or worse.
I think it's at the point now where she needs professional help beyond that of what doctors visits and medications can do, but I don't know what to do at this point. :(
I have to physically give her medications to her every day. If I don't give them to her, she will either forget to take them or just not take them at all.
I also have to feed her (not physically feed her, but make food for her), make sure she drinks enough fluids, etc.
She does clean herself regularly (sink baths, showers), however I have to be present when she takes a shower because she's afraid of slipping and falling.
She basically cannot, or does not want to, take care of herself. If I wasn't there she'd be in a world of mess or worse.
I think it's at the point now where she needs professional help beyond that of what doctors visits and medications can do, but I don't know what to do at this point. :(
I don't blame you at all for the way you are feeling. You deserve to have a life to. I think therapy would really help you not only to work this thru but help you emotionally too. I wouldn't throw in the towel just yet. It really sounds like she needs to have only one dr caring for her Bipolar. I would definetly find a new Pcsychiatrist. I would also bring her pscychiatric medical records to that appt. I could be helpful. PCP don't specialize in mental illness that's why pdoc are best and they prescribe meds. It does not sound like she has her bipolar under control or some of the other issues either. Is she helping herself to get/feel better? Has she given in to this illness and just given up to getting proper help for everything? Does she go to therapy? Does she have regular Pcsychiatrist appts? Just some things to ask her and yourself.
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