Codependency covers a wide variety of behaviors. A good book to read is "Codependent No More." If in an a relationship with an alcoholic/ addict your behavior could be to try to consume their life by trying to catch them using and get them to recover by starting fights and ridiculing them. Then the next day they will let it go and clean up the mess that the other's using caused. Often they spend so much energy living in denial and lies that they never have time to focus on their own happiness and interests. They like to have the things that they have control over perfect. Cleaning and re-cleaning the house almost in a trance, always keeping the house immaculate. A good movie that tells this story is :The Prize Winner of Defiance, Ohio" (2005), based on a true story. Julianne Moore plays the wife of Woody Harrelson who plays an alcoholic.
I can relate to this because my ex wife put up with me for four and a half years while I was addicted to pain pills. She always set down ultimatums but never stuck to them. She caught me at least once a month. She would find out I didn't pay a bill or noticed something was missing that she knew I had pawned. Sometimes she even found the pills, but she loved me.
After about a year into our relationship I started asking her to marry me. I would wait until she hadn't caught me for a while but she still had some pride left and told me know. About a year and a half into our relationship I was sitting on the couch getting ready to go to work. She hadn't caught me in a while because as all addicts do I got better at hiding it. I had some pills in my pocket to take to work with me but as I stood up they fell out onto the couch. She found them before I got out the door and we started fighting. I told her I would leave and packed my truck up to go stay with my mom. The next day I called her crying telling her how much I loved and missed her. She cried too and told me that I could come back home. She met me at the door and we started kissing and making up. She asked me to "ask her again." I asked her to marry me and she said yes. This was how distorted her reality was. She convinced herself every time that I was done and always forgave me as this went on for the next three years. We even had two kids together. She had a daydream of a loving husband and father so much so that I think she actually believed she had it. But all was not well behind closed doors and she never told anybody about it. This was the codependent behaviors that she displayed. Mine and most depressed people's codependent behaviors are different.
When I found out I was extremely codependent was when my dr gave me a homework assignment. He said to turn to a new page in my journal and title the homework "On a Deserted Island." He told me to imagine what it is like on a deserted island. Imagine how your mood would be and what it would be like not to have other people around. I thought long and hard about that for a few days. What I realized was that without people there I would have no one to compare my looks to. I wouldn't have to worry about saying the wrong thing or being insecure because of the childhood I had. My self worth was based on what others thought about me. My mood was easily elevated or brought down by the flattery or criticism of other people. I was passive aggressive (which I will talk about in a little bit). If I was praised for something I would be confident and my mood would be elevated. If I was told something I said was wrong or was stuck in a room where discussions were going on that I had no intelligent input that would include me in on it, my insecurities would bring me down. This was a roller coaster ride that could change minute by minute. If nobody noticed me when I walked in a room I would sit away from everybody and try not to make a noise so that they wouldn't notice me. I had low self worth. I had to start working on these codependent behaviors by changing the way I communicated with others. The three main ways to communicate with those you come in contact with are passive, passive aggressive, and assertive.
Passive people are pretty much doors mats. They don't think for themselves at all and don't take a stand on anything. They will usually not be the person to initiate a conversation or use "blanket terms" to try to get a conversation started. I call statements such as "nice day out today,", or "goodness , it is hot out today" as blanket statements. You believe you have nothing interesting to talk about so you try to get the other person to initiate a conversation. If the other person say "yeah it is," and nothing else, you will drive yourself crazy trying to think of something to say instead of realizing that you don't have to talk at all if you don't want to. Passive people have low self worth.
Passive aggressive people are different. They will be passive to the point that they get angry and lash out at even close friends that they are comfortable with most of the time. A good example of this that a lot of people will be able to relate to is the decision of choosing a meal. Most of us have been in the situation where we are riding with a friend and they say "where do you want to eat at?" A passive person will say "wherever you want to eat at." If the friend asks them again they will say the same. If the other person says something like "if you don't pick somewhere than we are not going to eat," the passive person may name a restaurant but if the other person doesn't like it they will do the same thing all over again. It is a depressing and uncomfortable position to be in.
If a passive aggression person is in the same situation after being asked once they will say "wherever you want to eat at." Asked again they might say "it's up to you, I don't give a sh!t. In the same scenario as the passive person, if told "if you don't pick somewhere than we are not going to eat," the passive aggressive person could escalate to anger saying "I DON"T CARE IF WE EAT OR NOT!!!" The passive aggressive person will be a doormat but wipe your feet on them too much and they will aggressively pull the mat up knocking you to the ground.
Assertive people have great self worth. They stand by there morals and values. In the military soldiers are taught to do what they are told and not question it. That doesn't make them passive, it is required for leaders to be able to make decisions without those decisions being questioned by those soldiers beneath them. The best scenario for explaining assertiveness for me as a soldier is to talk a bout lawful and unlawful orders. Orders are carried out from the top down. If a higher ranking person gives you a lawful order like shoot at that enemy that is firing at us, unless the soldier freezes up, he/she has to carry out that order. A good reference for the execution of unlawful orders is the movie "A Few Good Men." An unlawful order is an order that is against the Geneva Convention, or against the Military code of conduct. If a higher ranking person gives you an unlawful order it is your right, and well your duty, to disobey it. An unlawful order could be a higher ranking person to telling to execute someone suspected of terrorist activities because he/she doesn't want to have to deal with deviating from the mission that they are on. This is where you will quickly find out if a person is passive, passive aggressive, or assertive. A passive person might say "please don't make me do that." A passive aggressive person might say the same but if pushed may carry out the order out of anger or turn the aggression on the person giving the order. An assertive person, would assertively say "NO sir, that is an unlawful order and I will not carry it out or allow it to be carried out."
If you are not so deep in depression that you are still able to function, it would benefit you greatly to gain control over your thoughts and to learn how to stop negative ones. If you can't get out of the bed because you are in such deep depression, you will have to start at the point that I had to start at and it will be a process, but it will make you better at fighting depression.
Once you gain some control over your thoughts start becoming aware of the impact you have let or are letting people have on your mood and your behaviors, try to avoid cognitive distortions such as:
All-Or-Nothing thinking: Avoid using never and always. Don't say I never get a question right, or I always get picked last. There leaves no room for shades of grey.
Over-generalization: A good example of this is thinking that because you were hurt by a person of a different race, all people of that race must be the same.
Mental Filter: A good example of this is say you are going in to see your boss and he/she tells you several things you are doing right but you choose to focus on the one thing that he/she said you could improve on considering yourself a failure.
Mind reading. It can also be associated with having too much empathy. Assuming you know what someone is thinking or feeling. You may get it right sometimes and sometimes you may be creating a self fulfilling prophecy.
Fortune telling: You assume things are going to turn out bad. Like saying "I will never be able to learn how to sing."
Magnification: Making a mountain out of a mole hill.
Minimizing: Making a mole hill out of a mountain.
Catastrophizing: Assuming the worst possible out come. "I am late for work, I am probably going to get fired."
Should Statements: This is often something that gets addicts. Thinking that they should be stronger or they should be able to beat this by their self. Putting too much pressure on yourself creates an elevated expectation that if you don't meet sets you back that much further.
Personalization: Thinking things are your fault that you had no control over. "Everybody is in a bad mood today, it must be my fault."
When you stop the negative thoughts replace them with positive affirmations which can be gained quickly by setting daily goals that are S.M.A.R.T: (specific, measurable, attainable, realistic, timed)
Using the statement "I am going to lose 10 pounds by March" fits all of these categories:
Specific- The goal is to lose 10 pounds by March
Measurable- You can measure your progress by weighing yourself
Attainable- If you say "I am going to lose 150 pounds by March," it is not an attainable goal.
Realistic- The statement above is a realistic goal. Saying "I am going to find a job tomorrow or I am not coming home." is not.
Timed- Putting a time limit on it is better than saying "I am going to lose 10 pounds." Without putting a time limit leaves you too many excuses for why you haven't don it yet.
Another statement could be "I am going to walk for 30 minutes 4 days a week."
Or the goals can just be for the day if that is all you can do at the beginning just follow the S.M.A.R.T. method.
Another challenge that you can throw in is if you reach the goal in less time than you had planned on keep going. If you set out to run on the treadmill for 3 miles and you can keep going, why not?
I have copied and paste all your thoughts. It took a whole 7 pages of word text. I bet if you keep going like this you will end up with a nice book. Just try an attractive title. I remember some attractive titles like the one of JaJa Gabor the late actress best seller book: how to keep a man and how to get rid of him. She sold million of copies just because of the title, sometimes titles sell well. Of course you won't choose : how to keep depression and how to get rid of it !! but try to choose a peculiar title.
When I write a poem I come up with the title first, the book will be the same. I am trying to figure out how I think it should read. Once I figure out who I want to impact and relate to in the book I will create a huge timeline to figure out the order of the chapters. Just like writing a paper and trying to stick to the subject in each paragraph I will have to make sure that every chapter begins and ends to where it flows well and leads into the next chapter to keep the reader interested. As of right now the book will include my theories, lines from my poems, some of my own experiences, and some experiences, and stories from people I have met. I will tape up multiple pieces of copy paper to decide what I want in the book and who I want to have an impact on. Once I do this, the title will reveal itself. I have already figured out the title to a few short stories that I want to write but now they will likely just be chapters in the book.
Thanks for your insight. I a couple of publisher that I have talked to but I need to come up with the money before I can get into that. My first one will be a book with my poems in it, or at least a lot of mine. What mine will have that most do not is the way that I have have tied a lot of them together so that it creates a series of linked poems that can also stand on their own. On of them I have done is the Beautiful Mind series which so far has a four poem story but either of the poems can stand alone which is interesting because I didn't really try to do that and didn't notice it until I finished all four. I am naturally a writer although I didn't do well in English. It comes from my over analyzing things and being able to break down a sentence or an emotion into something that rhymes and has a hook in it. Every emotion a person can have I can write into a poem. They always relate to people because I explain in detail a situation where I experienced those emotions. So far I have fear, grief, and a lot of love poems. I have a poem for most of my behaviors and illnesses. From things like being bipolar to my addiction behaviors. Anyway I can go on and on about this but I nut shelled it. However, writing this response gave me the idea to include a chapter most likely titled "The Poet."
Thanks you, everyone that I talk to gives me a chance to use my theories and analogies, it helps me to grow as a person and a writer. :)
This is very good information. I am going to print your summary out as a helpful tool as I fit most of you descriptions. I do a lot of journaling too. I really like the idea of using the rubberband.
It sounds like you have come a long way, you should be very proud of yourself. Thanks for sharing your story and for the insight on how we can help ourselves. Crystal