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How will you cope during the Holidays with BP?
I don't know about you - but the holidays are like Hell to me. The noise, the crowds, the "must behave" feelings while at family functions, the paranoia, the depression - it's all Hell to me.
What will you guys be doing to lessen the stress of dealing with BP and the holidays?
Racheal
What will you guys be doing to lessen the stress of dealing with BP and the holidays?
Racheal
Hey Guys,
I posted a question about false memories at one point in my forum here. One thing I had a bad problem during my "manic" days was paranoia. I had all of these memories of abuse that through therapy, I have realized that they were during my psychotic episodes. It has been a bizarre thing. I was paranoid of his "Controlling" - which was him tryting to keep me from hurting myself. I was paranoid of him "restraining me" which during psychosis I took as hurting me. In my mind, I would relive a lot of the times when my Father would abuse my Mother. Part of the memories were a part of me (my therapist and I have worked through this) repressing my childhood memories of abuse, and trying to make some sense in me losing control during my manias. He did have a little porn issue - he loved that internet mess. But, he actually doesn't even have a computer now and has told me that he doesn't even know why he did that - other than I wouldn't come near him. Of course, he was in his 20's then, and he had a 20something mind and drive.
I have had to admit my issues and admit the harm I did to my friends and family. It's easier to place blame on someone else, at times than to admit your short comings. When you have those "memories" and see what they actually were when you get stable -it creates a great sense of guilt, however. That's something that I am dealing with now.
My oldest son (19) has even told me that he remembers me "losing it" and my exhusband trying to help me. He said I would scream at him and tell him to quit hurting me when he was nowhere near me. He told me that is was horrifying as a child to see the one person you love the most - have an episode like that. That is just heart breaking to me. He is glad now, however, that I am doing better and have had to admit a lot of things to him to get him past some of those issues. He doesn't seem to want/need therapy now, but I have told him that if he ever needs to talk to someone, he needs to do it and I will help him.
SO - my interest in spousal abuse is a little complicated, I suppose.
I posted a question about false memories at one point in my forum here. One thing I had a bad problem during my "manic" days was paranoia. I had all of these memories of abuse that through therapy, I have realized that they were during my psychotic episodes. It has been a bizarre thing. I was paranoid of his "Controlling" - which was him tryting to keep me from hurting myself. I was paranoid of him "restraining me" which during psychosis I took as hurting me. In my mind, I would relive a lot of the times when my Father would abuse my Mother. Part of the memories were a part of me (my therapist and I have worked through this) repressing my childhood memories of abuse, and trying to make some sense in me losing control during my manias. He did have a little porn issue - he loved that internet mess. But, he actually doesn't even have a computer now and has told me that he doesn't even know why he did that - other than I wouldn't come near him. Of course, he was in his 20's then, and he had a 20something mind and drive.
I have had to admit my issues and admit the harm I did to my friends and family. It's easier to place blame on someone else, at times than to admit your short comings. When you have those "memories" and see what they actually were when you get stable -it creates a great sense of guilt, however. That's something that I am dealing with now.
My oldest son (19) has even told me that he remembers me "losing it" and my exhusband trying to help me. He said I would scream at him and tell him to quit hurting me when he was nowhere near me. He told me that is was horrifying as a child to see the one person you love the most - have an episode like that. That is just heart breaking to me. He is glad now, however, that I am doing better and have had to admit a lot of things to him to get him past some of those issues. He doesn't seem to want/need therapy now, but I have told him that if he ever needs to talk to someone, he needs to do it and I will help him.
SO - my interest in spousal abuse is a little complicated, I suppose.
Hey Guys, I am studying the effects that my Father's abuse to my Mom had on my relationship issues present day. It's a weird connection - distancing yourself, etc., but my 2nd babies daddy (HA) - no he wasn't abusive. I would say that I am more the one that was out of control in our relationship. During mania, I would do the most bizarre things. I would throw things at him, break things, scream at him - all of that. The only thing he would do was to actually restrain me at times to keep me from hurting myself. (He is a big guy). He would try to "hug it out" when I would have an episode. When I would get out of control, he would cry and cry. He was relieved to find out my condition was somewhat controllable. Overall, he is and has always been pretty supportive.
So my interest with spousal abuse is a lot of interest only. It's amazing that as children, we soak up so much of our parents "issues" and bring them forward to your life as adults.
I love you guys keeping an eye out for me.
So my interest with spousal abuse is a lot of interest only. It's amazing that as children, we soak up so much of our parents "issues" and bring them forward to your life as adults.
I love you guys keeping an eye out for me.
Look. I see what people are saying and I don't know the extent of people live's and I don't inquire but as for spousal abuse that's a "no go". Family members who engage in that should not be invited even if its "just" emotional and I don't consider that trivial. There are further complicating difficulties when the children have visitation rights. That is complex and obviously not what you (anyone who posted here) wanted but if there was a court settlement the judge arranged.
But no one should have to deal with an abusive ex-husband on the holidays or any time for that matter. People who are like that (and believe me some have mental issues of their own) are "specialists" in emotional manipulation, they will turn the whole family against you. I really need to take a refresher course in domestic violence law because if there were charges of physical abuse or extreme emotional abuse why would the children have visitation rights anyway and couldn't the children then be abused? A husband who is abusive is that kind of person in general. This has nothing to do with bipolar. Anyone would react to that. And anyone would be afraid of that. Its traumatic. Once you put a person out of your life for that reason you should never have to see them again especially on the holidays.
But no one should have to deal with an abusive ex-husband on the holidays or any time for that matter. People who are like that (and believe me some have mental issues of their own) are "specialists" in emotional manipulation, they will turn the whole family against you. I really need to take a refresher course in domestic violence law because if there were charges of physical abuse or extreme emotional abuse why would the children have visitation rights anyway and couldn't the children then be abused? A husband who is abusive is that kind of person in general. This has nothing to do with bipolar. Anyone would react to that. And anyone would be afraid of that. Its traumatic. Once you put a person out of your life for that reason you should never have to see them again especially on the holidays.
I know you've listed spousal abuse publicly - is this ex the one who did it? Has he changed his ways and our his parents aware of what happened between you two? If he is the guy I don't see how you can do it. My ex never hit me, etc. but was extremely passive aggressive and our four kids were (and remain - he wants no contact) invisable to him. I tried to go to a birthday party that his sister (a saint) threw for my boys a few years ago but when I found out he would dare to be there I opted out. I knew I'd just be watching him ignore them all over again - and they wanted his attention so badly. Wow, what was this original post? Sorry.
Well I have both angles to deal with. When I was a kid starting at age 13 and even after starting medication at age 18 I had the negative symptoms of schizoaffective. I wanted to avoid people and I was paranoid of them. I am recovered from that now. But now with the severe tardive dyskinesia anything can set off psychomoter agitation which appears to be manic and disturbing but is automonic and uncontrollable. And sounds, lights, any extreme sensation can set it off as well. That's why they did an EEG to rule out temporal lobe epilepsy first. I also know that off a mood stabilizer (my psychopharmocologist agrees the Zofran is serving as one and explained why even though its not been tested for that) that I will become avoidant of people, withdrawing from people and paranoid of them as well because during mood changes in me psychosis will emerge as well because I have schizoaffective. The glycine is not a mood stabilizer and I need one and I've been on 30 of them and never really found the "right fit".
However, there is the opposite angle. I was always saying to my mother "I wish when I was a child people had accepted my disability and I was on medication" and recently I said "now multiple that by three". My mother and I realize my stepfather had bipolar with psychotic features. He would go into an agitated mixed state on Christmas and ruin it for all of us and start ranting about what was wrong in his life and become emotionally abusive. I have very few good memories of him. He passed away in 1990. As for the other family member this is the first year she came to terms with the bipolar. And I explained to her that I would set up accomodations so I did have what is clinically "psychomoter agitation" which basically is to walk it off and have people assist me through a crowd and she in return would keep track of mood changes and not go into an agitated mixed state. Of course my mother was the same person who had to remind me to take medication in the past so she said I was being "controlling back" and I said we should just accept each other's disabilities and explained some empowering things about identifying as a consumer and let's say we got a fresh start.
The difficulty is that what I have to watch for is autonomic and can't be controlled but as for mood changes its something I have been through until recently and if I went off a mood stabilizer again (which I would never) it would start all over. The issue of importance though is to say "is it just myself?" because there are probably other family members who have bipolar or depression as well. The best thing to do is to all be supportive of each other. I know people say "it doesn't work that way in real life" but it could. People used to say I "complained" about my disability but now I explain what I need and I say "its physical and its factual" and in return I listen to their issues and it works out for the best.
But even as regards bipolar or depression or the like the important thing is to know what your emotional trigger points are for starters. Another is, without details, just by name if you are able to disclose your disability in a positive way "I am a person with a psychiatric disability". "I have bipolar disorder. Its just part of my life" so relatives who aren't familiar with you know what is going on and aren't gossiping about you behind your back. Even before I recovered from schizoaffective disorder, the whole family knew and for those who don't I disclosed as a consumer and they accepted it. Of course I was not entirely rational then and it was difficult for people. But in getting my feet on the ground after coming back from the psychiatric hospital and having the support of my family in 1991 and enlisting the support of those who didn't grant it, years later it is easier coping with a physical disability and yes of course as treatment is adjusted the occasional mood changes, I am not of course "cured". That would be hyperbole.
But remember whatever background we are politically we can all agree that many people are in a desperate situation economically and that would include people around you who just got downsized and many other everyday issues. Chances are if you hear them out, then if you just explain you have bipolar then they'll accept that as well. So sometimes I'd say as for holidays which are often "anniversary dates" (dates where something bad happenned years ago that are emotional trigger points) the more you expect mood changes the more there will be. The more you expect the family to be out of kilter the more its likely to happen. But the more you plan in advance for what could happen and try to find coping strategies and ways to unite the family the more that is likely to happen too. You can prepare for a hurricane strategy wise but if you spend the time until the holidays worrying about one, you are building a mountain out of a molehill, only by that time, with emotional lability and family difficulties you will be facing a tornado.
However, there is the opposite angle. I was always saying to my mother "I wish when I was a child people had accepted my disability and I was on medication" and recently I said "now multiple that by three". My mother and I realize my stepfather had bipolar with psychotic features. He would go into an agitated mixed state on Christmas and ruin it for all of us and start ranting about what was wrong in his life and become emotionally abusive. I have very few good memories of him. He passed away in 1990. As for the other family member this is the first year she came to terms with the bipolar. And I explained to her that I would set up accomodations so I did have what is clinically "psychomoter agitation" which basically is to walk it off and have people assist me through a crowd and she in return would keep track of mood changes and not go into an agitated mixed state. Of course my mother was the same person who had to remind me to take medication in the past so she said I was being "controlling back" and I said we should just accept each other's disabilities and explained some empowering things about identifying as a consumer and let's say we got a fresh start.
The difficulty is that what I have to watch for is autonomic and can't be controlled but as for mood changes its something I have been through until recently and if I went off a mood stabilizer again (which I would never) it would start all over. The issue of importance though is to say "is it just myself?" because there are probably other family members who have bipolar or depression as well. The best thing to do is to all be supportive of each other. I know people say "it doesn't work that way in real life" but it could. People used to say I "complained" about my disability but now I explain what I need and I say "its physical and its factual" and in return I listen to their issues and it works out for the best.
But even as regards bipolar or depression or the like the important thing is to know what your emotional trigger points are for starters. Another is, without details, just by name if you are able to disclose your disability in a positive way "I am a person with a psychiatric disability". "I have bipolar disorder. Its just part of my life" so relatives who aren't familiar with you know what is going on and aren't gossiping about you behind your back. Even before I recovered from schizoaffective disorder, the whole family knew and for those who don't I disclosed as a consumer and they accepted it. Of course I was not entirely rational then and it was difficult for people. But in getting my feet on the ground after coming back from the psychiatric hospital and having the support of my family in 1991 and enlisting the support of those who didn't grant it, years later it is easier coping with a physical disability and yes of course as treatment is adjusted the occasional mood changes, I am not of course "cured". That would be hyperbole.
But remember whatever background we are politically we can all agree that many people are in a desperate situation economically and that would include people around you who just got downsized and many other everyday issues. Chances are if you hear them out, then if you just explain you have bipolar then they'll accept that as well. So sometimes I'd say as for holidays which are often "anniversary dates" (dates where something bad happenned years ago that are emotional trigger points) the more you expect mood changes the more there will be. The more you expect the family to be out of kilter the more its likely to happen. But the more you plan in advance for what could happen and try to find coping strategies and ways to unite the family the more that is likely to happen too. You can prepare for a hurricane strategy wise but if you spend the time until the holidays worrying about one, you are building a mountain out of a molehill, only by that time, with emotional lability and family difficulties you will be facing a tornado.
I wonder what they would do if I walked in with one of those toboggans with ear muffs on and acted like I couldn't hear anyone. They would ship me to the hospital for sure.
I might try sitting away from the excitement this year and make everyone wonder what I am mad about.... or when I might explode.
HEE HEE!
I might try sitting away from the excitement this year and make everyone wonder what I am mad about.... or when I might explode.
HEE HEE!
There was a time in my life that I looked forward to the get togethers. Now, the calling from friends and family about "where will you be?" "What will you do?" just makes me feel like a child needing to be taken care of.
I am grateful for the caring, but will be so glad when they realize that I am getting better and be there - but not constantly.
My son's wish will be granted. I will do the ex-in-laws with him and his Dad. At least they were kind and decided to do the restaurant thing - no stress drama over the cooking! OR feeling confined in their home. It's a weird thing - sometimes being in someone's home drives me crazy - makes me panic.
I am grateful for the caring, but will be so glad when they realize that I am getting better and be there - but not constantly.
My son's wish will be granted. I will do the ex-in-laws with him and his Dad. At least they were kind and decided to do the restaurant thing - no stress drama over the cooking! OR feeling confined in their home. It's a weird thing - sometimes being in someone's home drives me crazy - makes me panic.
There was a time when my children and I lived in a house with seven toilets (that's how I like to bring it down to earth!). At Christmas we had three trees - one glamerous, one rustic, and one eclectic - We ate rib roast and yorkshire pudding and each of us opened an english "cracker" and read our silly jokes and put paper crowns on our heads under a chrystal chandelier. The stress! The pressure! The high expectations! Two cats, three dogs, four young children, seven toilets to keep clean (they get dirty even if you don't use them, folks!) Now we have no place for a tree and no decorations to put on one. It's quite a hight to fall from and I'm still quite dizzy but my sister is always preachingthe evils of "self pity" so I do try to think differently but for me the holidays are a time of regret, nostalgia, and bitterness. I wish I could rise above all the materialism. I thought since it was "old world" materialism that it was okay for some reason.Wrong. My mantra is "for the sake of the children".
I've been trying to prepare myself mentally, also. I may just ware shades and stay outa peoples faces, or I may just find a reason not to be around. My son's mother is the worse enemy I could have, and she may have to attend.
but if the worse comes to worse, take your med, put on dark shades, and maybe put earplugs in: just tell everyone that you have an ear infection or something.
I sweat when walkin in crowded malls, too. Alone is what I do, and it is better. Its cool not having my thoughts interrupted, or having to slow down and wait for people: hell I don't even want to talk to no one. There's times when I feel that the person next to me or in front of me is gonna try to sneak attack me. I just fell like a victem most of the time.
Try head phones. Listen to some type of comedy channel or something.
but if the worse comes to worse, take your med, put on dark shades, and maybe put earplugs in: just tell everyone that you have an ear infection or something.
I sweat when walkin in crowded malls, too. Alone is what I do, and it is better. Its cool not having my thoughts interrupted, or having to slow down and wait for people: hell I don't even want to talk to no one. There's times when I feel that the person next to me or in front of me is gonna try to sneak attack me. I just fell like a victem most of the time.
Try head phones. Listen to some type of comedy channel or something.
It's just so hard being bp. My son and his father want me to go to dinner with my ex-inlaws to a restaurant so I don't sit at home like usual. It would actually be less stressful than at their home and no one but us. They are trying, I know, but I really dread it. I feel like they are changing everything because of my BP. I will be going, but that's just Thanksgiving! Then there's Christmas!!!! It's the Worst!!
My son's dad - my ex - fusses at me for shopping on-line because clothes never fit right, but it's hard to explain to him what it's like for me to shop with all of the madness. He and I went together not long ago and it wasn't as bad - since I wasn't alone. I don't want to be THAT person that has to be taken care of - but lately, it's been nice to not be alone. He and I also decided to do 1 Christmas instead of 2 so it's not so rushed for our son and it's less stress for us all.
Plus my friends trying to make sure I am "ok" all of the time - that's no fun. I appreciate it but it's just that I don't want to affect everyone in my life. I am pulled between family and friends and who gets the BP girl for the day. 40 and feeling like a child!
It's just the pits! I hate hate hate the holidays.
My son's dad - my ex - fusses at me for shopping on-line because clothes never fit right, but it's hard to explain to him what it's like for me to shop with all of the madness. He and I went together not long ago and it wasn't as bad - since I wasn't alone. I don't want to be THAT person that has to be taken care of - but lately, it's been nice to not be alone. He and I also decided to do 1 Christmas instead of 2 so it's not so rushed for our son and it's less stress for us all.
Plus my friends trying to make sure I am "ok" all of the time - that's no fun. I appreciate it but it's just that I don't want to affect everyone in my life. I am pulled between family and friends and who gets the BP girl for the day. 40 and feeling like a child!
It's just the pits! I hate hate hate the holidays.
well, my daughter is bp- and i think i told you before but she is currently in a therapeutic boarding school. she'll be home for christmas. no malls. (shop on the net), family is limited to immediate family (so sorry to everyone else, come visit us during the rest of the year), low key, low pressure. no "perfect" dinner. we'll play games (Wii, Monopoly, Clue, etc), and when cabin fever hits, we'll hit the indoor pool (we have one in our town) for some physical relief and I doubt it will be too crowded. We will have structured "quiet" time. No TV, Radio, etc. Reading or arts and crafts. Minimize noise and lights.
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