I just cant help it

[cHiNa_dOlli3]

Im going through all this mood changes in one day and it is gotten so bad to the point I think my marriage is heading for divorce, and I dont blame him.Who would want to put up with someone like me? I go from being sad to happy to motivated to exhausted ,angry,anxious then fuel of energy then I cant even get up from the coach and the list goes on this is all in one day! I just get so tired of not being able to control my emotions and I know dictors tell me having bipolar is not my fault but I still feel guilry my husband does not deserve to put up with all my "episodes".It is almost as if Im in shame of myself and this are the things my daughters are seeing from me? Its too much for me and my depression just gets worst!!

[persephonedemeter]

I meant repeating to them what they said to me so they know I heard them.

[persephonedemeter]

A lot of people stopped listening to me or avoided me when I was really sick with the bipolar disorder. I used to say I couldn't even stand spending one more day in my body because of what my head was going through. If I felt that way, then I know it must be agonizing listening to me going on and on about how miserable I am, how life was so lousy and worse, just plain dead, or when everything was so irritating that I just couldn't take anymore. I was a broken record for a long time.

It wasn't until a friend actually videotaped me without my knowledge and played back for me to see and hear what she had to listen to every time we met. It was all me complaining and describing over and over again what I was going through. It was all about me and I basically used her as a sounding board. She went through that for a year, every week, and in the beginning...everyday for hours. It was a very sobering moment. That was when I realized what a great friend she was because, truthfully, I don't think I could have listened to me for a year talking to me like that. So, I changed and I conscientiously practiced getting back my interactive communication skills. It wasn't easy becuse I had to go against how the ruminating thoughts and the illness changed the dynamics of my thought process. I was still honest, but I put less of me and more of them in the conversation, and I toned it down...all this while everything about me was screaming to be the exact opposite. I only shared the analysis of it with my therapist and doctor...and that was because they get paid to hear me out and they have no problems setting limits with me. Any frustrations, complaining, anger or self pity  I had, I wrote it down then deleted them when I felt it was old and tired. That way, I had no regrets or guilt for saying things to others, and I wasn't hanging on to it.

When people started seeing and hearing the exchange of ideas, giving them space and listening to them, letting them know I hear them by repeating back what I said, and saying I don't know if I get it yet, but can I have the  time to think about it; then, that is when they stay engaged. Communication is a 2 way street and it requires listening on both ends. What we ask others to do or what we want, is what they generally want for themselves. Also, people will not bother listening to another if there is no hope for change or a better situation or if there isn't interaction or an exchange and the issues become entrenched and stuck.

I suggested that you have a family meeting with your doctor, which is a totally different thing. In family meetings, the family talks about issues they are going through, problem solving and getting information from mostly the doctor and whoever else is in the field is involved in your care. It is not getting information from you. It's about disarming the questions about the illness and how to deal with it, get an over the forest view instead of a "lost in the forest" of what is going on. A better view of things..not a view from your window, your husband's window or your parents' window only. I found it helpful to let the doctor open all the windows for them. I did not expect my family to come to this family meeting because it took time and effort, and getting them to agree on one time that will work for 9 people wasn't easy, but they came to get their questions answered by someone other than myself. It also took time and thought to the agenda and protecting my confidentiality, and that took a few meetings with the doctor, who was facilitating the meeting, before the family meeting. It was not a therapy session, and I only spoke for 3 minutes out of the whole hour.

My family had questions that they didn't want me to answer but they wanted answers from people who were in charge of my care. They even were satisfied with the "I don't know." or "It's not known for now." answer from the doctor. They  didn't trust the things I said, and basically, they wanted verification that they were doing the right or wrong things and to get it from an expert, what bipolar disorder was. Part of the satisfaction from the meeting had to do with airing out the questions and feeling that this wasn't just their problem, others go through it, knowing the prognosis, and that they can see what the health care providers think and are doing.

As you have written, bipolar disorder happened to you, you didn't choose it. Well, it's the same thing with your family. It affects everyone in your life, not only you, and they didn't choose it either. It  is hard for everyone and everything involved, including the health care providers treating us.

[cHiNa_dOlli3]

I have talk to my husband and try to explain what I am going through and it looks like he doesnt care he is not interested! That goes also for my mom I ve  even ask then to come to therapy with me and they dont want to is like they are afraid to hear the truth I cant even explain it. My oldest daughter is turning four with mix delays and I am getting her all the help possible.I am taking medications and try to do the best on my part but when you dont have a support system is very difficult.

[persephonedemeter]

Have a family meeting with the doctor. That's what I and my doctor arranged when my family could not cope with the aftermath of a particularly bad suicide attempt. Family, like us, do not come with written instructions or knowledge on how to deal with situations like this that are overwhelming and are hard to go through. If your children are young, then, at the very least, have an hour long session with your spouse and let the psychiatrist answer questions your spouse may have.

We ended our meeting with solutions, like how to intervene during a suicide attempt, in my case. Everyone felt better about it afterwards. My doctor answered their questions and gave them good advice. My therapist was also in the meeting. We all left on the same page.

There are support groups for families and friends. They can be helpful. Your spouse may want to see a therapist also. I am not ignoring the children. Rather than wondering what they see and feel, it will be helpful to ask your doctor how to go about addressing the concerns of the children. They would probably benefit from talking to someone who is knowledgeable in child psychology or, at least, that your children can talk to with  safety and  without judgment.

Some friends' children use to talk to me on a few occasions when their parents were going through situations that were overwhelming to them. One incident was when their parents started physical violence with each other during a particularly nasty fight. The kids opened up the topic when I took them out for ice cream, and just asked me how can they convince their parents to get a divorce. These kids were  elementary school age. We sat down on a bench and we talked for an hour discussing it. They already had a plan how to open up the topic with their parents, and they sounded it out with me. I made some suggestions as well as supported them on their thoughtfulness, caring and empathized with being in such a distressful situation. I also gave them my phone number so they can call if they wanted to talk again. They are in their 20's now, and they are doing very well with their lives. They weathered a lot of family issues, but it did help them to sound and sort through things with an adult they can trust. Btw, that was the last time their parents got physically abusive towards each other...so that problem was solved.

It does no good spinning things over and over in our heads without putting it out there, especially, when people don't talk in a family.

[stormbear]

hi,

   It's sound's like you are experiencing what they call ''ultradian rapid cycling'' , I went through this at one stage last year and it was very  difficult to cope with . I found group talk therapy helped some and  also had to stop drinking caffeine drink's at this time , but also some walking was great too .
I attend a activities group too through the week which helped a lot . Do you have a clinical manager you could speak with ? and are you prescribed medication for your symptom's .?