After years and years of living a completely unstable life, full of missteps and bad calls, I arrived at the point where I feel that I cannot beat the beast in me. Bipolar disorder is like electricity -- people tell you it's there, even though you can't see it. It costs a lot and it runs everything in your world; when it goes out, it's dark and nothing works. If you don't respect it -- it will kill you. I am beginning Dialectical Behavioral Therapy next week.
Essentially, I'm saying that I cannot get a hold of BPD because it is so complex. At times, I love it -- the mania makes me feel like I can do everything, all at once because I am enhanced me, version 2.0. More-than-human, confident, quick-witted, creative, funny and oh-so-charmingly handsome. Who would wanna shake that feeling?
It's only when things come crashing down do I wanna deal with the disease head on, but it has such a stranglehold on me that it has separated me into different mindsets. I think about and look at everything -- every single aspect of my life -- differently, depending on my mood. Essentially, BPD has split me into two separate people and these two components of Me, cannot seem to team together to steer the ship. The tail side of the coin is a person who withdrawls from Everything important; who will not communicate to anyone, no returned phone calls, emails, texts -- completely vacant and disconnected. Not terribly depressed, just unmotivated, void of esteem and energy and in the throes of deep thought.
Years of therapy, with great therapists and consistent medication are just enough to keep me alive and out of jail. My foundation is flimsy because I NEVER had anything concrete in my life because BPD has been flipping the switch from dark to light since I was a kid. My Mom, who loves me unconditionally and who I love with all my heart has untreated BPD. I learned everything from her and she is the smartest person I know; but the inconsistent and completely un-coping skills that come with the disease have been instilled in me since I was a little baby.
The fact of the matter is, not only did I miss the opportunity to develop coping skills, structure, routine, responsibility in life and relationships and rudimentary stability -- I learned the complete opposite. UN-COPING skills of life.
I will not survive if this continues. I will loose everything if I cannot gain control of the beast in me. I can have a good life, like the people I see on TV, but I can't do it alone; and I can't overcome it with the therapy and medication I have been relying on for the past 5 years.
In search of the one true fix, I hit Google HARD, and found out about DBT. Everything I read sounded like just what I needed to fix my broken. I found a place that looks really strong. It has a year commitment with one individual session a week; one group per week and weekly phone sessions. My intake appointment is coming up next week.
Is there anyone, who can relate to the Rock'em-Sock'em robot lifestyle of the Borderline/BiPolar mash-up who has any experience with Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT)? I would love to hear from someone who has walked in those shoes.