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1102927 tn?1268957671

Inclination to telekinetics

Lately ive been wondering why it is now engraved in my mind to reach out to things as if they will just come to me, as if i possess some telekinetic ability. First it started out small, things I couldn't reach, but wanted too i would reach my hand out to them, or just simply stare and command them to come, and then a voice would say "Wait a minute, this is ridiculous" then another would say "no its not, continue! Maybe you can harness your psychic power" and after a while of doing this i'd just forget it and stop. Every day for about a week two i've been doing this, to doors, objects in my room, cabinets, everything. Now i don't even want them or care to reach them, but again I will stare look up from my computer and catch a glimpse of an object and reach my hand out a bit, and the same two voices will say the same thing. I'm not quite sure what this is, or why i've been doing it. Its just a habit i've picked up, and its always been so frustrating when the objects wont come to me. Ive feel like i've failed.

And on another note lately my body has been allowing me a lot less sleep. I used to sleep 4am-12pm, 8 hours (I also go into cycles of waking up every hour from 10-12). Now even if im tired, i wont allow my self rest, as soon as the am's roll around im wide awake (although im very tired, i just feel..awake) and i will not sleep until 6 (but will keep the same cycle of waking up by the hour from 9-12). As of late, the paranoia of spirits watching me is low (accept for right now, because i just started hearing some illegible voices whispering loudly in my ear), however my body clock just decides it wants to... Forget it, im way to tired and agitated to type more. Long story short this has been an odd few weeks for me, and im tired of voices telling me to do ****! I cant even hold a thought long enough to grasp it and put it in any sort of legibility. My thoughts sound like a big jumbled mess and then theres my internal voice telling me what i should be typing, though it feels so muffled and frazzled by the sludge.

I dont know what happened to me tonight! I was doing so good today,I was even convinced everything i thought was wrong with me was just a figment of my imagination. Does this ever happen to anyone? How can you get all of this to just shut up?! Im normal and sane! Im so embarrassed! I just went through 3 or 4 diffrent emotions writing this, too.
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585414 tn?1288941302
I would agree with that coment about creativity although of course it depends on the particular medication but each person responds differently to each medication. I will leave out any discussion on the antipsychotic agent I am on now since it is in Phase II FDA study but I do remember when I started on the standard atypical antipsychotics such as Risperdal and Seroquel that they not only help mitigate psychotic thoughts but also helped with relating to people and processing information. I was better able to get through school and my poetry became more logical and coherent. As well, as I've said research continues into safer and more effective treatment so within a reasonable number of years people will see benefit from that as well but even with current treatment understanding of people and the creativity process which can be blunted during the emergence of schizophrenia, schizoaffective, bipolar with psychotic features or many other psychiatric disabilities for that matter does improve. I remember that in full and can go back through my poetry and creative writing and see an improvement in it as well as the response I had from people as regards social interaction so it is worth it.
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Avatar universal
Yeah like Xila31 meds don't kill your creativity.  It might be perhaps with your mind in a stable state you don't have all these crazy ideas mashing together and you just have to adapt and find your creativity again.  Hell when I got on medication I started producing even better music than before although experience really has caused my music to become better as time goes on but this was a noticeable change over night.  It's just more structured now and less chaotic and such like I'm now able to repeat motifs in a way that compliments the song without it sounding like I was just doing it as a filler.  However people also like my music a lot from before being medicated and some of my best stuff is from that period but still.  There's probably also the coincidence that a person ends up going into writer's block and gets paranoid the meds killed their creativity and like Xila31 said, you're not alone in thinking they will do horrible things to you because yes it's true some people have really bad reactions to psych meds but a lot of people out there also have their lives saved by them once they find the right one.  I had a possibly life threatening reaction to Geodon but I gave it a good review on a website and recommended it for other people but warned them of the possible adverse reactions because it was like a miracle drug while it lasted and it could be for someone else and they might not ever have the adverse reaction I had.  I just try not to let myself become biased for or against things like that that could save someone elses life but because it might of endangered mine I'd be scaring them away from it.  Plus if you have a good psychiatrist like mine they'll act quickly like mine did and take you off it as quickly as possible.  When I tried another one and had side effects that deeply disturbed me he took me off of it as well instead of just forcing me to keep taking it.  I'm going to sound like a yes man but Xila is also right in that as you get older untreated mental illness can get worse, even severely and suddenly without warning.  I'm a good example of how that can be with how I had it ever since I was 3 or 4 and I kind of functioned although I failed at school and my social life (even though I'm very intelligent) due to severe bullying and abuse and my mental illness and have had suicidal ideations most of my life even during childhood but I don't believe in suicide so I guess that's been my saving grace because I never knew until recently having suicidal ideations was a serious problem that you should tell someone about immediately.  I worked jobs too but now I hear about how much people complained about my work at all of them so I don't know why I've never been fired but then suddenly my mental illness became like 10x worse out of nowhere due to severe stress which didn't happen earlier in life due to severe stress and that's when I needed to be medicated to function at all and once I got in touch with a family member who actually has mental illness and knows when to make calls for people to be taken to the hospital for psychiatric reasons I found out how bad I really was when he police showed up to take me to the hospital due to psychiatric reasons although he told me in advance so it's not like it was just OMGWTF.  I don't know where I was going with this story really except I guess maybe hopefully you can relate to some or all of it and see how it can ruin your life if yours is ruining your life now and you don't realize it to see how important it would be for you to see a psychiatrist for what you're telling us.  At first everyone I knew was against me taking medication but after they saw the change it made most of them wanted me to keep taking it.  Believe me it's so much better to be stable than unstable.
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952564 tn?1268368647
Actually, the meds don't kill your creativity. I'm a writer and an artist and when I'm going up and down and all over the place I go through these phases where I write like mad, and then suddenly I can't because I can't focus or concentrate. This lasts for months and months. Or I get all of these ideas like I'm going to famous and a millionare and I'm a genious, and then suddenly I can't work and I'm a complete failure and hate myself for it. But none of this is true, it is all the bipolar.

When I'm stable I write and it goes really well. And I'm realistic and I get things done and my life actually works. I feel good and alive.

Trust me, you're not alone thinking that meds will do something terrible to you or "they" are trying to change you or something. You will still be you. You will still have all of your creative powers and be eccentric and interesting. But you will be the you that actually functions and lives and sees the world.

I'm sorry to say but these things you're going through are biochemical and physical. It is a sickness like cancer or diabetes or any other chronic illness. Just because someone needs to take insulin or chemo doesn't mean they will lose their personality or dreams. Whatever is going on with you, that is not you, it is an illness. You are you and you just happen to have this illness, whatever it is. But you have to make the choice if you want to get better or not. Right now you're 15 so maybe it is easy to hide. But as you get older it will get harder and no one wants to see that happen. :(

I know it is scary. I get scared of it too, but really, it is worth it to try to get well. :)

Just take a break and rest if you need it. And don't worry about venting. A lot of venting goes on here.
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1102927 tn?1268957671
Oh yes, and sorry for all my venting. Things have just been really stressful. Thanks for listening~~
And whenever i put my thoughts on paper i just end up sounding crazy.
But everything registers perfectly normal until that point.. =/
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1102927 tn?1268957671
I dont know, its like i've lived in this reality so long, anything else would probably scare the hell out of me. "Reality" is a subjective perception after all, this has always been mine. Sometimes I wonder if im just some sort of supernatural being and psychiatric medication is a product of "them", and it'd keep me from fulfilling my destiny...
And what if I just simply become "them"..
And also, usually these kinds of medications screw with your creativity. And i could loose bright future as an eccentric.:P I mean, im constantly drawing and creating, and its all fuled by my extreme emotions, its inspiration!
Well actually, i think a lot of things... There are just endless possibilities and reason why getting "help" probably wont be help at all..
I honestly think that another thing is living in my brain, and controlling about 75% of my psyche. =/

Ive really got to stop thinking today, ive been lost in thought for roughly 2 days. I'll even stop mid-sentence with another invading thought ....
Helpful - 0
952564 tn?1268368647
Yes, from everything you're saying about your past, you do need to see a psychiatrist and write all of these things down to talk to them about. And keep a good tracker and journal of anything that's happening to you right now, as well. I'm glad you posted here and now you can see you're not alone. We all have things going on and we've all been through some hard times. You don't have to live with these scary things.

We're all hoping you get help and keep us updated on how you're doing. You have a long life ahead of you, so getting a good start now will make it so much easier and better.

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1102927 tn?1268957671
"I have the problem where I also think it was all made up and I'm a hypochondriac or something"
Yes, thats my thinking to a tee. Whenever I think well maybe i should go to someone, or maybe this isnt normal I always think im a hypochondriac and I just totally disregard everything. I mean, I had a very odd thought process since childhood, so ive always thought it was just my natural disposition. I had severe OCD and I would constantly freak out because of the things i thought of (i thought demons would check on me while I was sleeping, I was really in a dream and if i went to the bathroom i would end up peeing myself, certain commercials would cause bad things to come out of the screen and kill me, people were constantly reading my thoughts.) I had many out of body experiences too, and sometimes I would completely forget who I was. So now, with things being even slightly less unreal and scary I just feel like everything normal and im a hypochondriac for thinking otherwise. =/

And LOL! G.I. Joe! :P
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Avatar universal
Yeah it's like ILADVOCATE said, they can make a diagnosis of schizophrenia if you have two or more voices in your head having a conversation with each other but you also sound like you have elements of mania and such but hey a psychiatrist can sort it all out and piece together a diagnosis.  The small details matter and make all the difference when it comes to figuring out whether it's bipolar disorder, schizoaffective disorder, or schizophrenia because of how they're all related somehow and can appear so similar like I read severe mania in bipolar with psychotic features isn't much different from some forms of schizophrenia.  I have the problem where I also think it was all made up and I'm a hypochondriac or something but it helps dispel this if you find something concrete to hold on to like for me for example I remember that people said my facial expression was totally different once I was medicated and no one thought I was stoned and when the antipsychotics weren't in my system it started happening again which I don't even know how my face was looking different.  Only problem is if you do have something schizophrenia related they might him haw around and not even consider it at first because when I was your age they didn't even consider it even though I was having positive and negative symptoms and cognitive issues, which at the time I was totally unaware of a lot of it.  Like I flat out told the psychiatrist I didn't want to talk to her or open up at all because I didn't trust her whatsoever or just about anyone else and even when I was a kid and had blaring signs of it they didn't even consider it because it's like only 1/300th of people with schizo are kids according to a figure I heard somewhere.  I was in counseling and such most of my childhood and teenage years just to give you an idea of how long and well it can go unnoticed.  Just stick to your guns and eventually they'll figure it out.  Of course the first step is getting in to see a psychiatrist.  So now you know, and knowing is only half the battle. G. I. JOOOOOOOOOOOOE!
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952564 tn?1268368647
Wow, that's an amazing story. What an awesome dog! She is deffinately an angel now, no doubt.

I agree about the pets. I get hyper aloof. I just want to be left alone. So, I like cats more than dogs although I like dogs, too. But, they say people who live alone who have pets live longer than people who just live alone.

Please give us an update, Snakenstein. I hope you're feeling a little better.
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899491 tn?1243773627
I got thinking about you. You shouldn't live in fear because your wiring is misfiring.

Yeah! I thought my behavior was "normal" but people I worked with thought I was weird in a good way. I never got into trouble with the law or got committed but I hid from the world like some werewolf.

When I was in manicky stages that's when I would be out in the public. It would feel great for awhile but that state slowly became the good, bad and ugly.

When I got ugly; I became psychotic and everything would frighten me because I didn't understand what was going on. Everything was on fast forward. Then the depressive stage appeared and I became more irritable and psychotic. Believe it or not I decided joining the Navy in my twenties would solve my problems. I survived bootcamp but things didn't go well when I got stationed overseas. In the military the enlisted were able to live off base. I paid $100 for apartment back in the early 1980's while I was stationed in Spain. It was a wonderful arrangement because I was able to live alone without having people intruding in my affairs. I drank myself into oblivion. My job performance was erratic and I became angry with the system because I couldn't pick up rank. I had a real bad attitude towards the Navy and my feelings were F*** the Navy. That didn't help my yearly evaluations.  

In my psychotic states it was highly embarrassing for me as my illness progress. I did go to a psychologist for one interview and they thought it was a situational thing; being homesick and having a hard time adjusting to military life. I knew something was wrong but I was too afraid to let people know things were not perfect and who wants the stigma of mental illness? I was worried about being discharge with mental issues and harmed my prospects of getting a job in the civilian world. Things got so bad I volunteer myself for alcohol rehab and stayed sober for a whole year but I still had these scary episodes. The recovery alcoholic pdoc called it a dry drunk because the Navy medical system was overloaded with patients, had a limited budget or didn't care because they were overworked.

In my mania I didn't become hypersexual like some bipolars experienced. If I did I would be scared of those feelings and hide in my apartment until the crisis subsided.  I was always afraid I would hurt someone. I felt like Gollum most of the time when my psychotic behavior showed up.

The only comfort I had is when I picked up this stray dog off the streets. Pets can be very helpful. The dog picked me to be her owner and we became great pals. I gave her shots and even had her fixed.. She would go on walks with me and she was house broken too. When I transfered out I brought her home; it only cost $60 to ship her. My dog was very street wise and I could trust her when she felt danger was ahead. A guy tried to break into my apartment door and I never heard a dog growl so viciously. The drunk decided to leave.

Anyway, dogs are good match makers too. She picked out my future husband. She guarded my children when they were little babies. My son got out of the house when he was three years old and my dog escorted him down to the baseball field! She passed away at a ripe age of 20.

Sorry for the rambling but I'm just concerned. I don't want you be stranded on a island and waste a good portion of your youth. I got treated when I was 34 don't wait that long!
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585414 tn?1288941302
"Two or more voices commenting on each other" can be one sign of schizophrenia. Some of what you described with the erratic sleeping can be a sign of emergent mania. I know because I first started having the symptoms of schizoaffective disorder when I was 13 and didn't start treatment until I was 18 and I would have done better if I had started treatment earlier. Only a psychiatrist could specifically diagnose whether you have bipolar with psychotic features or schizoaffective or anything else but its best if you keep a mood tracker to note when you have these kind of thoughts and if they come and go. It would definitely be essential to find a referral to a psychiatrist either through speaking to your parents or if they are not approachable a guidance counselor.
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899491 tn?1243773627
Agree! Snakenstein go get help. Your 15 years old and you don't want your life upside down. I had a horrible time dealing with my untreated illness. It did interfered with my studies during college and I couldn't hold down a job. Many mental health issues are treatable now and I wish I had treatment when I was your age.
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952564 tn?1268368647
I've thought about your post for a bit and I'm going to say ILADVOCATE and corlenbelspar can probably advise you best on these things you are describing.

After your previous post and now this, I am going to urge you again to please seek some help for these things. You already said how your family is full of bipolar and other illnesses, so you have a good reason to be concerned by these things. If nothing else tell your mom  you're not feeling well and you need to go to your regular doctor. Explain what is happening to you, be 100% open and honest. You say your mom doesn't want you going through what she went through, but things are different now and fighting this all alone is exhausting. You deserve to get help. At 15 you have a very good chance of remission and not having issues interfere too much with the rest of your high school days and college. Also at 15 you are able to go to your doctor and talk to them without your parents knowing if your mom down right refuses to take you. They can't call and "tell" that you were there or your going to see them if you fear being reprimanded. That's the law.

Just remember you're not alone. And you don't have to do this by yourself.
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