Is a happy marriage possible with bipolar?

[Mads18]

I think my husband is bipolar, although he has never been diagnosed. I've done a lot of research and it makes sense. He also agrees that he is bipolar but he refuses to get help because he doesn't want to get kicked out of the army. Things are not looking good for us right now... Someone please tell me there's hope for us. Also, what is rock bottom? What will it take for him to go to therapy and get diagnosed/get on medication?!

[Mads18]

Thank you for all your help. If the intervention doesn't work I am planning on going back home with my mother in law, things have been so hard lately. We were very happy for 2-3 weeks then out of the blue he said he wants a divorce and that he doesn't love me like he used to. He seems to be in a depressed state right now and will not speak to me and has been very cold towards me. Except for 2 days ago he gave me a hug out of nowhere but he didn't say anything. When he told me he wanted a divorce I told him no, that if he gets help and still wants one then fine but I won't leave him like this. I need this intervention to work, it's pretty much the only hope for our family to stay together.

[Bubulous]

I do know that can force him to get evaluated but like I said he had an evaluation just to get into the military and he passed that and bipolar cannot be detected unless a person is in a manic state or a depressed state for a long time and unless his evaluation reports have been bad, or he has a history of bad counseling statements that may be a dead end road that back-fires on you....
If a bipolar person is not in a manic state than it would be very difficult for a dr to evaluate and diagnose them with a mood disorder.
I think that the intervention idea may serve you the best.  My breaking point was came one night when I had received a text from my wife.  After I had finally started accepting and believing that no matter what I did I could not win her back I started mentally preparing to try to put my life back together.  Then that night she sent me a text and asked me what I thought about us... basically getting back together.  That made me snap and I asked for help.
If she had taken me back even a couple of weeks before that night I would have likely never asked for help and the whole cycle would have kept on repeating itself.
Had she not sent that text and I was able to go another couple of weeks with her acting just as heartless and mean as she had been I would have likely never asked for help.
But that night was perfect.  My heart wanted her back but my mind knew it wouldn't work so I needed to get away from it all for a while to get some insight.  I called my chain of command and told them I was ready to give therapy a try.
That is why I think the intervention with you and his family is the best bet.  He will not change or get help if he thinks he can keep his career and keep hurting you as well.  
During the intervention you can however let him know (while his mother and brother are there) that if he isn't willing to get help and really soon (like within a few days) than you are left with no other option but to tell his chain of command.   You will want to do it in a certain way though.
Make sure before you bring up the whole chain of command thing that he knows you love him and he knows he is hurting you.  Doing this in front of his family and having there support may be his breaking point and that would be a much better one than I had.  At that point it would be difficult for him to keep doing the same thing and he should feel that he is faced with losing you or losing the military.
I hope he chooses you over the military but if he doesn't you will have to start giving some thought to self preservation although I know that isn't what you want.

[Mads18]

Also, what was your breaking point? What was it that pushed you to get help?

[Mads18]

He has always had somewhat of an anger problem and I knew he could get a little moody before he joined the army, but after he joined it got much worse and is continuing to get worse. I have found a few doctors in our area that say they specialize in bipolar and take our insurance. I heard I can call his NCO and tell him I think he is bipolar and they will make him get evaluated. Is that true? That isn't something I really want to have to do but I might if it comes down to it.

[Bubulous]

She did try to talk to me about getting help but I wouldn't listen.  I had to reach my breaking point which was unfortunately not until she had already given up on us.  She did try to make things work after treatment but I didn't want to anymore.  Treatment released me from regret and anger and they tough me how to let go of the relationship because I believed that she already had.
I do think that an intervention might help.  I agree with you and the sooner the better.  His work with the military is important to him and that is understandable.  If he is bipolar he has likely been that way since he was a teenager and probably lied to get into the military in the first place, I did.  For that and many other reasons he is likely afraid to say anything to his command but if you and his family will talk to him and once than the other part of his life that is important to him, which is family, will have to be heard and if you can get him to agree to seeking help it would be wise to already have some information on where to get him started.

[Mads18]

Did your wife try talking to you about getting help before you deployed? His moods keep getting worse and worse, I've been talking to his mom and brother and they are both very concerned. They are coming to visit us in a few weeks and we have decided that we are going to all sit him down at once and talk to him. Do you think this would have worked for you? If this doesn't work I don't know what will, I am so worried about him.

[Bubulous]

I went through the same thing.  I was bipolar the whole 15 years I was in the military.  I did 2 tours overseas because I was too proud to say anything.  There is probably no changing his mind but if he is bipolar and you guys seem to be sure that he is.... The tour overseas is only going to serve to make things worse.  I hope that he decides to get help because you can want it more than anything in the world but he has to want it.  I can't tell you about hope in keeping a relationship together because I am on the other end of it and my bipolar was one of the things that ended my own marriage.
I am having difficulty with this one because I was a soldier and my wife did stick with me through my deployment in Afghanistan.  The soldier in me says to stick it out and hope he gets help.  Yet another part of me wants to warn you that if you do stick with him through this deployment, when he comes back from Afghanistan things could be worse.
I developed PTSD from my deployments and it lead into a long addiction that was hard to shake.  My wife watched as I struggled and eventually her love turned into hate and she was forced to step out on me to find relief.  I don't blame her but that is something she has to live with like I have my own stuff I have to live with.
Life is complicated and it gets more complicated the further you go into it.  I  hope for his sake and your that he decides to voice his concerns before he goes overseas.  There will be psychological evaluations before he goes but if he is like me he will be able to tell them what they need to hear to get through.

[Mads18]

Not yet they are supposed to deploy in March to Afghanistan

[Bubulous]

Did he do any tours overseas? etc. Iraq, Afghanistan?

[Mads18]

He will not see a doctor to get diagnosed and put on medication because he doesn't want to be discharge from the army. I told him I'd rather him be happy and healthy even if that means leaving the army but he will not listen. I don't know what else I can do at this point.

[MR_WHY]

Is a happy marriage possible with bipolar? Yes, but he should take medications and control all symptoms.

It's really good question.