I just want to get in touch with somebody who knows what I am going through. I have had mixed mania now for more than a week - anxiety to depression to anger to rage to depression to mania, not necessarily in that order, all day every day without a break.This is the worst it has ever been.
Unfortunately, there is probably nothing you can suggest that I haven't already tried because I have had this disorder for more than 50 years and have studied everything about it. I take care of myself and do everything within my power to stay well. I know changing medication is not the answer because I have done that too many times, and just because I am like this now doesn't mean I will be the same way next week. I could be doing OK, only to start all over again the week after that. Mixed mania is the hardest thing to treat.
Anger I can handle, but this rage that seems to be my constant companion these days is impossible to deal with. I just can't DO anything without flying off the handle. After my morning depression cleared today, I began to feel quite well and considered doing some sewing, but remembering the rage that is always lying in wait, I thought better of it. So I decided to do some simple paint pouring instead. It's not something I can usually mess up. OMG. Bad move, paint everywhere, mess, mess, nothing going right, fly off the handle. I went in the kitchen to clean up and got paint all over the countertop and started throwing things. Even now as I try to type this, I keep making mistakes and feel my anger rising. I have to stop soon. It is so frustrating. The only thing I can do is nothing. And I am not a person who is content with just sitting glued to the TV all day.
Anyway, that's my story. I feel really ashamed of myself, a grown woman having rage issues, but that is the way it is. So thank you to anybody who has listened and hopefully somebody, somewhere out there can identify with some of this.