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Avatar universal

Is there anybody out there who knows how it feels to have bipolar 1 rage?

I just want to get in touch with somebody who knows what I am going through. I have had mixed mania now for more than a week - anxiety to depression to anger to rage to depression to mania, not necessarily in that order, all day every day without a break.This is the worst it has ever been.

Unfortunately, there is probably nothing you can suggest that I haven't already tried because I have had this disorder for more than 50 years and have studied everything about it. I take care of myself and do everything within my power to stay well. I know changing medication is not the answer because I have done that too many times, and just because I am like this now doesn't mean I will be the same way next week. I could be doing OK, only to start all over again the week after that. Mixed mania is the hardest thing to treat.

Anger I can handle, but this rage that seems to be my constant companion these days is impossible to deal with. I just can't DO anything without flying off the handle. After my morning depression cleared today, I began to feel quite well and considered doing some sewing, but remembering the rage that is always lying in wait, I thought better of it. So I decided to do some simple paint pouring instead. It's not something I can usually mess up. OMG. Bad move, paint everywhere, mess, mess, nothing going right, fly off the handle. I went in the kitchen to clean up and got paint all over the countertop and started throwing things. Even now as I try to type this, I keep making mistakes and feel my anger rising. I have to stop soon. It is so frustrating. The only thing I can do is nothing. And I am not a person who is content with just sitting glued to the TV all day.

Anyway, that's my story. I feel really ashamed of myself, a grown woman having rage issues, but that is the way it is. So thank you to anybody who has listened and hopefully somebody, somewhere out there can identify with some of this.
8 Responses
Avatar universal
I am sorry you are going through this. I have Bipolar one and am also a counselor. I have been manic a few times and depressed right after. I have had mixed episodes as well. I know the rage but I have been hospitalized soon after. My mania escalates very fast and I need the hospital. As you said you are rapid cycling and I know that must be so difficult especially if medication has not helped. I hope you are not changing medication too rapidly. I can only suggest that you give yourself a break. It is not your fault as much as a brain tumor would not be your fault. I would suggest that when you are full of rage  that you only participate in calming activities as walking with music on. exercising if you can, meditation . yoga ect. But the important part is not to fight with yourself or think you "should" be doing something. Sometimes all you can do is accept it and know it will subside. I don't know if I helped at all but I wish you all the best.
1 Comments
Joycat, thanks so much for your lovely letter. I must have missed it somehow. I didn't realize you had written a week ago, sorry. I am also sorry that you have had to be hospitalized. I know all about that, I can tell you. Spent 14 months of my life behind bars in various hospitals. I just vow never to do that again, I always come out worse off than when I went in and being so much older than the other people there, I get very lonely indeed. Lonely in a crowd!

I have had a great deal of physical illness this year and am unable to walk hardly at all now, also yoga is not possible. But I agree that it is counter-productive to try and tackle anything that requires details. I just write answers on Quora mostly. It is a great site if you haven't been on it yet. I hope you are feeling OK today. All the best,  Maureen.
Avatar universal
I understand how you must be feeling. The rage is uncontrollable and in fact it is very frustrating  and can be embarrassing when you are around people.  I was experiencing this for along time and I had destroyed many relationships. Dealing with the rage and taking it at one day at a time. Being aware when it builds up and walking away to avoid any conflict. I am sure you have tried everything and wish you all the best. Anytime is to chat about your emotions.
1 Comments
Hi, thanks so much for writing. As you know, there really isn't anything you can do. Or at least nothing that I haven't already tried. This is dysphoric mania (right?) But it is somehow comforting to know that others understand this awful situation. I am just sorry that you have to put up with it too. Luckily, I never get angry when anybody is around. Don't know why. But I just get mad at myself and my stupid mistakes. I am forever grateful that my neighbors are far enough away so as not to hear me. Maureen.
20864423 tn?1549648927

Me and my older brother both get this. Normally around October or November time, we get it at the same time...it doesn't end well at all. Our Dad gets it as well. For us, the only thing that helps us is just staying out of each other's way until the passes. We quite often go out to town (15 minutes away) and because the stress of being around each other isn't there we calm down for a while. I have two locks on my door because we've gotten so bad before that I'm genuinely afraid of him.
5986700 tn?1380794980
Hi Maureen, I know it’s been a while since you wrote your first post. ......I don’t believe in accidents; (I’m a magical thinker), so when I stumbled upon your situation I couldn’t believe it.  We could be the same person.  I have been dealing with exactly everything you mentioned for years.....EVERYTHING!  ....even down to the “sewing” ....oh man, yes does that ever get you going when things don’t go smoothly eh?  

Unlike you though, I lash out on others as well, then I turn it on to myself in the end anyway because I realize that it is ALL ME.  Just coming to understand that my youngest daughter is living through the same thing.  I also paint, and have done pours myself.. I too can not sit still so this depression is torture in the sense that I want to do things....but I can’t get myself to do them....can’t focus ...oh man, I have soooo many symptoms  I rage, have mixed episodes, rapid cycle.... it scares the you know what out of me.... my “thoughts” are terrible....so awful....and fatalistic..... but the rage is something that is the hardest thing to control ...you know you’re in it, and you strain to stop it, but it just takes over.... i feel so immature... I am 60 this last April.  

I’ve gone off and on my meds more times than I can count.  I am currently having agoraphobic symptoms for some reason, .... I’ve only been out 4 times since November.  

I could go on and on but I won’t overwhelm you.  Just wanted to reach out because I couldn’t believe how I could stumble upon your post when I’ve been saying the exact thing to whoever will listen to me. ......which is not many people now, no friends (long story), live in the country for 8 years now.. I have never had my license to drive soooooooooo..... Ya, it’s a freakin nightmare all created by “yours truly”

Sincerely, Janice aka spider6
1 Comments
Hey Spider, I've seen your name around the site for eons.  :>)  But I'm truly sorry about what is going on with you currently.  Rage is hard to deal with and takes so much energy.  You are probably very tired sweetie. Do you work with a psychiatrist at all?  Sounds hard to do with logistics of not driving and being far out from where they may be located.  Uber?  they seem to go anywhere these days.  Anyway, shame, guilt and all that sure do a head game on us.  Our life is our own creation and sometimes we mess up.  But everyone does in some way.  I try really hard to hold on to the joy of 'there's always tomorrow'.  :>)  hugs
20877188 tn?1558531102
Hi Maureen,
I have nothing but sympathy for you as I know how it feels to cycle through such horrific feelings without seemingly any end in sight. I am now 31, and was diagnosed a few months before my 30th birthday. Receiving a diagnosis was equal parts relief, fear and shame. I was diagnosed with Bipolar 2 but at the time,  but had been on SSRI's that increased my mania, rage, depression, etc., and caused me to cycle between these for roughly six months. It was the hardest six months of my life and I am certain that I wouldn't be alive today were it not for the help of my doctors and therapist and my sheer will to live. It took me awhile to find a "magical combo" of drugs that leveled me out. I wouldn't say that I am "symptom-free" as I still experience extreme feelings, but nowhere as extreme as they were. I am able to get out of bed everyday and go to work, eat, sleep, study, enjoy life a little. You said that you have dealt with this for a very long time; do you think that there are other medications that you could try or have you tried everything? I wish that I could be more help but just know what I went through, how it was so similar to your situation, and what helped me.
-Ciara
1 Comments
Hi Ciara!  Glad you posted!  Sometimes knowing you aren't alone is all the help someone needs.  sharing your story is really beneficial and I hope you come back!
Avatar universal
I have Bipolar Disorder Type I.... Get your thyroid checked. Thyroid problems and bipolar disease go hand in hand.
Avatar universal
Are you referring to the rage you feel when youre in mania and someone makes you try to feel bad and it kills your high? Isnt your rage a reaction to something happening ? When I get upset its always because something happened. Is that the case with you. I get really upset when people 'steal my energy' or make me feel bad for no reason. I hate that feeling
Avatar universal
I am 64, bipolar and I also suffer from bouts of rage. I treat it with a very high level of medication which has bad side-effects. I also work from home. My rage and other bipolar symptoms have significantly damaged by life. Some people say I need more self-control; but it takes enormous self-control to manage brain problems.
  
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