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Need help for my daughter PLEASE read

know this is really long, but I am desperate and need help.

My daughter is 16....she is biracial.... her biological dad and I were never married..he was abusive and an alcoholic. their relationship was unstable and varied. when she was 5-7 yrs old, she used to get in the middle of violence between him and his wife at that time. We lived with my mom off/on until I married 8 yrs ago, so my mom is a huge part of my daughters life. My mom is a very loving person, but can turn and be very nasty when she does not get her way or if she feels hurt. about 6 years ago, my daughter got her hair braided and my mom said "do you think you're Black?" and did not think anything was wrong with that statement.

My daughter has always had "problems" with friends. she wants to get her way all of the time and if she cant get her way, she calls her grandma.  Instead of telling her that she has to listen to me, my mom calls and questions everything I do and my daughter knows this.

I had a baby three years ago and my daughter loves her little sister, but I know she is also very jealous of her. She has made comments that the baby took her place and that I did not love her anymore. I have seen her push her sister down before when she was mad at me or my husband. She would tell her sister "Get out of my room, I dont like you" (to a 2 yr old)
She told me several months ago that she cant control her anger and she felt like she was bipolar. Her pediatrician gave her some valium to see if that helped and we did a lot of reading and made appt with pysch (had to wait 6 weeks for the 1st appt)  
From what I read, I think it sounds more like BPD that bi-polar but I know I am not a dr.  She has crazy fears that make no sense to me. she wont run into a store for me by herself because she thinks someone is going to kidnap her. She is afraid of the dark. She thinks that she is going to die alone and never see the people she loves. if someone taps her on the left shoulder, she will throw a fit and have to hit herself on the right side because she says she is off balance. and her anger comes from nowhere. she is the sweetest child in the world until she hears the word no and then she is a devil.
She got along great with my husband, unless she was in trouble for something, then he was mean, etc.

Me, my mom, and my husband all had a huge fight after christmas and my daughter went to go stay with my mom.  she has been there for 6 weeks and her attitude is WORSE. now she is saying she never wants to come back to my house because she hates my husband and if I make her come home she will run away. The comments she says about my husband are the almost the same things my mother says, so that make me angry.

My daughter saw the pysch and he said that he thought she had a anxiety disorder and gave her lexapro. She was on that for a for weeks and said it wasn't helping so she just started cymbalta.

Since shes been at my mom's, she has a lot more freedom that she does at home. She was 90 mins late coming home from school, so my mom got angry with her and said that I was going to pick her up and take her back to my house to live and I was going to call the police, so she did not come home.
She ended up talking to her bio dad, who brought her back to my moms house. I had no idea that they had been talking for 2 weeks and he bought her a cell phone behind my back. We found out from calling all of her friends looking for her that she has a boyfriend. We keep telling her that she cant have a boyfriend right now; that she needs to get help first and she said basically she will do what she wants to do.

So, I told her bio dad to come get her. She told me that if I made her stay there that she was going to kill herself.
She was there for not even three days (weekend)...they were supposed to take her to her counseling appt and they did not take her, so she missed it..then they refused to bring her home. They got tired of her,  and his whole family was talking to her like garbage and brought her back to my mom.

My mom was watching my baby while I work and my husband said that he was making other arrangements temporarily because of all this chaos that is going on (he doesnt want the baby there now) I told my mom and she flew off the handle....she told me that I dont have a mother any more, that she is dead to me, etc...so now when I try to call about my older daughter, she refuses to get on the phone because she is mad at me about her not babysitting the baby. my daughter said that my mom has been walking around slamming doors for two days and she wont do anything but lay in the bed because I took the baby away from her.

I dont know what to do...what do her actions sound like?

Thank you for reading this!!
3 Responses
Avatar universal
It sounds like the environment for the daughter is really unstable, as well she is manipulating everyone. We can't make a diagnosis here, BUT if she is paranoid, she needs to be hospitalized. All of you have to been on the same team, which isn't happening. Kids react or act out when there isn't stability I think all of you need to sit down with a therapist, not just the daughter. I think she is reacting to the negativity about her being "bi-racial". Her grandmother sounds unstable as well.  It sounds quite messy and you all need professional help. I hope you get it.
674607 tn?1240017232
I don't know that I can add a great deal to what LeftCoastChick has already said so succinctly.  In addition to psychiatric help, this is a situation that cries out for serious family therapy if such a thing is available to you.  Your daughter is trapped in a web of conflicted relationships, and it would be unreasonable to expect her to extricate herself on her own.

  Somebody who is not part of the web has to untangle and referee this, and all the significant adults in your daughter's life will have to come to an understanding and an agreement about their roles, and then stick to them.  The girl needs consistency, and it sounds like she is not getting any of that in the current set-up.

I believe the problem cannot be solved solely from the psychiatric perspective.  Even if the pdoc could come up with a sure-fire diagnosis and an effective drug combo, the chaos swirling around your daughter is enough to drive anybody mad.

It's clear that the significant adults are not acting their age.  So it is hardly surprising that your daughter is using the conflicts to divide and conquer.  Time for the grown-ups to grow up, and ask for help from a qualified family therapist.  Don't try to do it on your own.

All the best!

Avatar universal
Is this the same daughter who had her appendix out for a carcinoid tumor? Did the drs suspect or test her for a pheochromacytoma? This is known to cause fits of rage, depression etc. It might be the root of her problems  notwithstanding the turmoil in her home life.
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