After that kind of major trauma and being hit by a big truck like that, it isn't unusual for people to not recollect what happened to them. It happens most of the time. Yes, it is pretty creepy not remembering a lot of what you were thinking, why you did it or the circumstances surrounding the event. It sounds recent. It may end up that you won't remember much of anything, but there will come a time when you will stop trying to pull out memories and you will be okay with a hole in your memory. What will matter to you is that you heal and be in a better place inside and outside of you. It is something that you will get a hold of, but right now, it is just better to talk it out with someone and do what you need to do to get better. It takes time.
I went through a bit of trauma myself, and for a while, I didn't remember much detail about it, and my mine is full of details and solid memories. The only times I did anything purposefully to where I endangered myself for one reason or another, there were only 2 times when my memory got a big hole and I couldn't remember specifics. When I was coming out of unconsciousness, it probably took a couple of days to a month to even know what I just did, but it really depended on how bad I got hurt. Those events happened years ago. First time I couldn't recall, and it happened during an interview a couple of days after, I honestly couldnt make sense or even knew what happened. Someone just told me. Slowly, I recalled certain things. Every once in a while some tiny little fragment would just come out of the blue.
Everyone is different. There are some people I know who don't even want to remember anything, and they get really upset when they do. For myself, I used to spend a lot of time exercising it out by running, cross country skiing or kayaking long distances. When I wasn't physically able to do any of those things, I read, wrote, and I talked to my psychiatrist or therapist. Occasionally, a good friend who would just listen and be kind and who could take the violence of it. Some people don't want to hear about it, and that includes health professionals, including doctors. My own psychiatrist gets a little queasy with details, and personally, if I could live without the memories of it, I wouldn't mind giving it up.
There is nothing wrong with not remembering. You may just need to not remember for now. I am really sorry you have to go through so much, but it sounds like you are aiming forward to overcome and be in a better place. That was basically what pulled me through, and it was a long hard road with a lot of obstacles, some I put up myself but mostly, it was what life dealt me. I used everything I went through and everything I learned to be a better person and have an easier life. My life is easier right now, but I am also a much stronger person mentally than what I was before.
What I kept in mind was that other people had it worse than me, and I had them as role models because they were kind enough to share what they went through and they were pretty amazing people. They didn't have as much as I did either. A few of them had absolutely no money, no family, no friends, and no way to move physically, in pain, vulnerable and dependent on others now and for the rest of their lives. I used to say to them when I just didn't think I could go on anymore during the rehab phase that I wasn't sure I could cope or couldn't go on, and even end it all now. One guy just said smiled sympathetically and said, "Go ahead and cry, get it over with, get angry and then try again..you've got time but don't waste time if you want to get better." You have to be in the same position to get the depth of what he was saying. Other people would think it was a little heartless, when he said don't waste time. He didn't mean it like that exactly. He meant it that if I didn't try to move, time would be against me, things would get harder, and my muscles would recover full range of motion. I was scared all the time, but I just kept trying. Morning is bad, because that is usually when I felt the pain and woke up knowing that I was seriously in a bad way, but when I did things to get better, it got better, and I could even laugh about it. Every little effort or accomplishment or even just getting ice cream or a warm smile or an encouraging word, or a silly thing someone did or said, I lightened up and had it grow on me to give me that extra spark to go on.
I was severely depressed then. I also have the severe bipolar disorder 2 and PTSD diagnosis. Became very obsessive compulsive, had hair triggered anxiety levels, explosive anger, irritable, very uncooperative, psychotic, and basically, I was a really, really hard person to get along with. Most people tried to avoid me, and there were a few who wouldn't step into the same room I was in. If I could get out of my own skin, I would have run away from myself as fast and as far as I could and not look back.
I had a few "end of the line" and "medically futile" prognoses a few times, but luckily, I had doctors who wouldn't give up on me even when I and they know it was unlikely that I would come out ahead of the game. I beat the odds, and everyone, besides me, is overjoyed about it.
With the mind, it is a little different. There are some things you have to be easy with and some things you can do to get better at, like coping skills and thinking things through practically. In retrospect, it was easier and faster to heal my body than it was to heal my mind for the most part. Everyone who helped me get better and who were involved in my mental and physical care thinks I came through swimmingly, but they also know how hard it was for me and for them.
When I was amazingly healthy, blessed and strong way back in history , I never leaned on people or depended so much for people to be there for me, but I learned it wasn't a sign of weakness and was a big strength to let them know exactly where I was at physically and mentally, and what exactly was going on with me. Then, they could help me and I was helping myself...enough for me to know I can stand on my own again, but it is really nice to know there are people who are willing to give me a hand to keep me from falling down too hard. As I said, I think I am a lot stronger and in a better place now than when I took on the world "all by myself."
You sound like you have a lot of stuff stacked up against you, but it isn't impossible to overcome. It is a good thing you do know that you are scared and why you are scared. It give you and the people who care about and care for you something to work on. It is a lot better than not knowing what is scaring you. It helps to know it isn't a physical threat, but something you are going through. The one thing about being scared, is that it eases up and can go away, especially when you gain ground in knowing what it is. I suppose you are scared you will do the same thing again, without your knowledge, and with impulse. Just to let you know, after suicide attempts, surviving people think about it all the time, usually in the first 3 months but those thoughts, fears and anxieties go away, but it really does help to talk to someone face to face about it. I was in a suicide and also a trauma support group...separately for different events with other people who went through the same things I did, although we all went through different kinds of suicide events and traumas. It would be great if you could inquire with your trauma doctor, nurses, social worker or psychiatrist about groups like that.
Thanks for writing me. You are helpful. I think you thought I jumped in front of a truck when actually jumped out of one. I do have a therapist and psychiatrist and I have a depression and anxiety group, at the hospital. on monday nights, its therapist led. I will inquire about more groups
Yes. I saw that afterwards. Sorry about that. A Morrisey song came up in my mind at the time. I also had that same impulse to jump out of the car, but luckily, the guy who was driving automatically locked the door, then pulled to the curb and talked me down and waited it out.
I didn't correct because I thought most of my response applied. The meds helped me with anger, impulse and stress reactions, but it only meets partway. It doesn't touch processing everything through, and thinking about it and talking it through really is the other part, Then, comes finding the healthy coping skill and practice to help you channel and deal with stress, lessen impulses or intense emotions that can hurt rather than help.