Deliberately Alienating People: Have You Ever Had This Problem?

[ILADVOCATE]

I have this problem but to be honest I did not own up to it or think about the reasons why. Everybody at some point has people they want to move on from as regards friendships or relationships or family members they can't tolerate. Sometimes the reasons can be valid. But have people experienced during mixed states that they deliberately antagonize people and then apologize after but sometimes repeat the same maladjusted behavior pattern only to think back and realize that it would have been best to gradually not respond to the people and then move on? I do keep track of moodswings but sometimes self awareness as to what occurs during them is only afterwards. I haven't had this problem in a while but it has occured in my life.

[saddestpart]

I have chronic depression and unfortunately I have been trying and failing to get proper insurance and treatment in the stupid country I chose to live in, so I have recently lost my relationship and just lost my best friend due to this. It helps to know others are ******* up their relationships as well, and it is of course very sad, but also comforting to know others have felt the way I do right now.

[Jester2005]

I try to alienate myself because, I guess, I feel that people shouldn't be around me and put up with me and my ways, and so on... then I feel lonely and apologize... this is a vicious cycle... I get so angry and depressed that I bring Hubby down and I feel he would be better off without me and my horrible mood swings... I've scared myself when I've gotten mad. I've already alienated myself from everyone, except him. I know that this is a problem and I'm working on fixing it. I truly believe that others can only tolerate me in small doses

[kathy434]

Realize that it is your BPD coming to the surface whenever you feel that frantic feeling about losing your husband after a fight.  He is going to leave the house, not you.  After you both cool down, things will be back to normal.  Everybody fights once in awhile.
make up a sign and hang or tape it on a mirror or the refrigerator that you can first go to BEFORE you start to compulsively talk about your problems when he has gotten angry.  Something like:
  
         "Calm down.  be quiet...Deep breathe...I am safe and OK"

Or you can write something of your own choice.  Just keep in mind.  Anger is OK at times.  It can even be good when used appropriately.
If he needs to go for a walk or drive to get away, it is OK.  Understand what it is you are fighting about.  Fight only about that subject, nothing more.  Then immediately go read your sign of comfort.  Leave him alone to cool off.  Just keep reading your sign until you have calmed down.  He is only leaving the house, he is not leaving you.  It may even be that he won't leave if he knows you will leave him alone long enough for you both to calm down.

[kathy434]

Because it is easier to be vulnerable at times in your healing, you may find it helpful to write up varying responses you can use when people are getting too nosey or overstepping your boundaries wanting more information from you that you really wish to keep to yourself.  Something like:
"I appreciate your concern but I am not wanting to discuss ....(my situation).... with anybody at this time.  Thank you."
                                           or:
I am not at liberty to discuss this at this time.  Thank you for your respecting my decision.  

Or you can print up whatever you would find appropriate to respond with, while you are cooled down and able to think.  Then when you get worked up over something others say or do or are trying to get information you really don't want them to know, you will have already pat answers to respond with that show no anger, frustration, sadness, whatever.  You remain in control of your private information.  Nobody needs to know what you don't wish to share on your own.  Remember that.  You are in control of your own life.  If they don't like it, well, it's their problem, not yours.

[Xila31]

Well, it is true you are only human. I think we all have someone in our lives who sticks there nose where it doesn't belong, or who always seems to be causing trouble. The good thing is you are recovered and you can make decisions for your health and well being on your own. It is also good your family members are in treatment now for their own problems.

I hope things get better for your accomidations. You have a lot on your plate, that's for sure. It is good you are better able to take care of yourself mentally speaking.

[ILADVOCATE]

Yes thanks everyone for the comments. I guess after having made a mental recovery that I nor anyone expected it really hurt to find out that people I knew (family members and some friends) that tried to "manage" my mental health life were actually symptomatic and needed treatment themselves (some were seeing a psychiatrist the whole time, some are now). The difficulty is with the severity of my neurological disability, I am physically in danger at times and aspects of it appear psychiatric (and some treatments for it cause personality flare ups that can be a problem too). Some of them I disconnected from. Some of them I didn't (obviously family I would always stay in touch with). Now like always I respect my psychiatrist's judgment but some of the family members who with a previously psychiatrist were encouraged by them to see if I remained in treatment (which was only a problem then not now) turned out to have a psychiatric disability themselves. Also other people's intrusion into my mental health life was not welcome at any time but I could not speak out for myself then because I was actively symptomatic. So it was hard as mood stabilizers were added and adjusted not to send an angry email back or before a mood stabilizer was added to the antipsychotic agent I take not to try to symptomatize them back.
  Today what I did was appropriate which is to have a family consultation with a lawyer and advocate to set up the accomodations I need. As well I am following up with a research neurologist to find out all options as regards treatment. My judgment and thinking as regards this I believe was rational but its hard for people to get used to the idea that I am rational (again "recovered" would not mean cured) and capable of independent decisions but need many physical accomodations. My psychiatrist has encouraged me to focus on my own mental health life and I agree. The problem is when my emotional boundaries are violated by other people, especially some family members and I know where its coming from, its hard not to comment. I have found the appropriate strategy is not to emotionally react back but after all I am only human lol. I did find in setting up pragmatic solutions that after some other people settled down that they could see they were that way and that its best if I focus on my own recovery and they focus on there's but it really is a mutual learning process.

[Xila31]

Oh know, you misunderstand. I don't hate the people, I hate myself. My title would be more like, "I hate me and so do you," even if that's not true. I know I have BPD already as I was diagnosed for it along with my bipolar. I don't expect anyone to love me or take care of me at all. I especially don't believe that anyone is in this world to fulfill my needs or wishes. Quite the oposite actually. I expect to never be taken care of. This makes it even harder also having bipolar also, and I also have anxiety disorder and also something else that I forgot the name of but it is a checmical cause of islationism. The only thing I expect of other people is that they will hate me and leave me when I need them, and then be angry at me if I don't constantly do what they need or want. That they will get to the point that they just can't stand me at all any more.

One behavior I have that I repeat is that when my husband is angry at me he wants me to leave him alone until he calms down. But I won't leave him alone. I get terrified that he's going to leave so I want to talk things out and make it right so he doesn't go. So I just keep talking and talking and trying to make things better until he is so angry he has to go for a walk to get away from me. Then when he comes back he asks me why, after so many years, do I still do that? Well, that one isn't my bipolar but the BPD. You see? I know exactly what is going to happen but in the grip of sheer terror I can't stop. Later I feel terrible and I can't figure out why I did such a thing, which only furthers my self loathing. You see?

For my bipolar I had an episode right when I got to work. I was mixed and feeling very suicidal. I came in already crying and my co-worker asked me what was wrong. I exploded at her, basically screaming in the middle of the office, and told her I was going to kill myself at the top of my voice. I had no idea what I was doing or where I was. I was written up for it and had to go through the employee assistance program for therapy. After a few weeks of talk with the therapist I felt better. (They didn't even diagnose me at that time, or even try, funny, huh?) We had no money for appointments so I just started my year. That lead into last year and me spiraling down and losing my ability to think and focus. I'm just starting to be a bit better now that the lithium is starting to work. Everyone is already noticing my mood leveling out and I can get things done easier, I don't forget as much, and I'm starting to be able to organize a little.

[kathy434]

     One of the problems for some people with Bipolar is that you don't recognize your behavior changes while you are going through a mood swing, and only when the mood is returning to normal, or perhaps a depression, do you realize that you behaved in a way that is not like you would have behaved if you were in the "normal" state. Of course it would feel better to break off relationships when this is your normal state choice.  But maybe these persons need to be cut loose from your life no matter what mood you are in and it doesn't make much difference how, but that the result is what you wanted to happen anyway.
     I knew a person once who I did my best to be a friend to, only for me to slip up and not get a pager to the person at the agreed time.  This person really chewed me out over the phone.  I apologized for my mistake and offered to get the pager to a particular location where it we would exchange it.  That was not good enough.  I offered to take the pager to the person's home to save their going to pick it up.  That was not good enough.  After much further ranting and raving at me I decided it was enough listening to, and I was starting to feel angry and abused.  When I told the person this, I was told not to feel this way!  Now I was being told even how to feel.  I wanted and needed to break off this relationship.  Therefore, I told the person that I would leave the pager at a particular, and safe, location for it to be picked up at the person's convenience. I ended the call, and the relationship together. I am not sorry about it.
     Another time a relative got verbally abusive with me that I did not instigate and I was dealing with a Bipolar manic phase.  I was quite traumatized from it, and part of other dealings at the moment, and my mood got beyond my control after the incident took place.  I was very angry with that person and demanded an apology.  It came with reluctance.  I accepted it as the relationship was about to fall off a cliff yet again, but I knew the relative still didn't "get it".  I decided to extricate myself from the family long enough for me to heal.  I haven't healed and I don't ever want to be around this person again.  
     So, ILADVOCATE, when you see that somebody is not treating you in friendship or in goodwill, then you have every right to cut off that relationship, no matter what is your moodswing moment.  You need to protect yourself especially when you are dealing with BP. You don't need or want this unnecessary stress in your life.  It's OK to let go..              K        

[paranoid_cataclysm]

Your "I Hate You!  Don't Leave Me" reminded me just now of the same person I spoke of ambiguously above saying the lyrics from Breathe by Pink Floyd reminded them of me especially with "Leave, but don't leave me, look around, choose your own ground" due to the above problem I'm guessing.

[kathy434]

What is happening to you are the symptoms of BPD.  You really like the person but if they don't meet your expectations you really hate that person.  You tend to feel that others are in this world to meet your needs and wishes?  Abandonment issues are part of this disorder.  As well as instability of mood and behavior.  Do you recognize any of this?  It is the Borderline disorder that you are dealing with.  It is not easy for you nor for other people who are around you.  I just read the book "I Hate You! Don't Leave me"  It is about folks who are struggling with BPD.  You may want to read this book to help you understand what is going on with your disorder.  I wish you the very best.     K

[paranoid_cataclysm]

I should also note I am ashamed of this even knowing it isn't the way I am and could only bring myself to tell that person since they are my best friend.  Other people I think might dislike me or disown me like half my family did and I still have problems being close to people anyway.

[paranoid_cataclysm]

Before treatment I used to keep myself busy on huge projects and refused to stop working on them to alienate myself from people because for some reason it just stressed me out being around people but at the same time I was lonely and even did it with people I liked usually.  This was so frustrating.  In fact when I was talking about moving in with a friend before I said I was going to stay in my room all the time and keep the door locked and only go out and do things with them if I wanted to, which was hardly ever and I consider them my best friend!  They still wanted me to move in at any rate and recently I apologized for being this way and explained it wasn't me obviously.

[Xila31]

Since I also have Boarderline Personality Disorder I do this all the time. I have that whole "I'll get you before you get me" problem. I have some really sever issues with abandoment and also I have difficulty in my relationships because of my mood swings and things like that. I don't even know what I'm doing. When I was younger I used to purposefully make friends with people who would be mean to me and make me feel stupid and worthless to prove to myself that I really was stupid and worthless. I have a history of just suddenly freaking out or completely abandoning my friends and not looking back.

I try really hard not to do this, but as I say a lot of time I have no idea that I'm doing it. One of the questions my husband asks me is "when are going to stop doing (insert random behavior), it has been this many years and you keep doing it over and over." I try so hard to fix whatever it is and then it comes up again. I really don't know how to stop it.

[starbunny]

I had a relationship for 11 years that was should have ended long before this. When I was in a mixed state I would not tolerate the situation and would lash out and go OTT because I was unhappy, only to apologise later when I crashed because I felt dependant afraid and confused. It wasn't until early last year that I finally decided  enough was enough, and moved on. I learned a lot about bipolar since my diagnosis.

[Alex_X_18]

it happens to me very infrequrntly nowdays it happened a few times in the past I just get extremely upsat easily in mixed states