Poking the bear...

[medicmommy]

Hello...
I've been reading this forum for a short while and have seen mostly BPs that are managing their condition...I've just read about Borderline Personality Disorder  my husband has some (not all) of the symptoms of both...Is this possible to partially have both (he was diagnosed with BP)? I'm trying to get him help as I'm tired of walking on eggshells around him and seeing him miserable and driving everyone who offers friendship away (including his own parents)...The smallest thing can set him off (I asked him last night if the dog had been fed and he freaked out yelling and accusing me of ordering him around)...After reading some of the things posted here, I know he can treatment for this and hopefully I won't have to continue to worry that our marriage of 18 1/2 years will end in suicide (his), homicide, or divorce...I'm so weary from worrying about "poking the bear"...~MM

[LeftCoastChick]

You are one strong woman and have a lot of "chutzpah", I'm glad you realize where the line is, that's the most important thing. He will level out and realize, wow what an incredible lady you are and he's lucky to have you. Hopefully he'll figure out that he needs help before he crosses that non-negotiable line. Being self-aware of your own needs will keep you afloat. I hope things work out, make sure you keep posting here. You might also want to look at getting counselling for you and your daughter, it couldn't hurt, many families when someone is ill in any way, seek out someone impartial to talk to.

LCC

[medicmommy]

Thank you for your warm and understanding post. I struggle with trying to imagine what my husband must feel like to have a "sword suspended by a horsehair" constantly hanging over top of his head...He knows he feels bad and hopeless at times, but doesn't yet recognize his "rants" as anything other than venting when he's upset about something...He thinks that days of obsessive angry ranting about how he was "wronged" is normal...He has come to expect me to be the "validator" of the subject of his rants (which I have, in hopes for peace and mental survival, but not realizing I was also enabling him)...I've gotten pretty good at avoiding his "triggers" but I've also come to realize that trying to make him happy and "defusing" the situation when he's in a near-manic state doesn't fix the problem and only exhausts me.
I've survived my own set of mental traumas, but (THANK GOD) have not been "blessed" with mental illness, and I know what it feels like to feel bad and like you are "damaged goods"...I strongly feel that we are all on the Earth to serve a purpose, and part of mine just may be to be an anchor for him and to give him hope he can live a normal life.  He is a good person with a black cloud that follows him around, pouring rain on him frequently...I'm in this for the "long haul" and am trying to be smart about it. I keep a part of my life separate from his (activities that I like to do for my sane "quiet place") but am disturbed on how his behavior and rants are beginning to affect my 10 year old daughter...So, I end up being the "mediator" between them too...sigh...Okay, I've just realized why I'm perpetually mentally exhausted and why I look forward to "escaping" to work...:)
Yes, be they physical or mental chains, they are still there, pulling on you...~MM

[BeeKeeper]

I read your last response yesterday and have not been able to put it out of mind.  Even last night as I force myself to attend another group session at the local psych hospital to hear how i should be able to control my emotions - your post was on my mind.

You're right - long ago (and still in some countries) psych patients were/are often chained to walls.  As much as you understand why, I'm sure others (like me) feel that it would be safer for others and myself - and would be just - to be chained to a wall most days.

I do truly hope your husband reaches out for help.  He will need to come to some form of responsibility before anything will really help.  There are certainly mood stabalizers that help - but he has to be willing to take them, and keep taking them.  He also has to be willing to concede that perhaps what he's feeling and the way he's acting is not the way he should feel/act.  If he can open up his mind to that possibility, and is willing to accept help, only then will counseling begin to help.

Taking medication day in, day out is not easy - especially if you feel that you are seeing no benefit.  Attending counseling for an issue you don't feel is yours or one that you don't think can be fixed, is not easy.  Even being supported by the ones you've hurt or continue to hurt can act as triggers and is not easy.

You absolutely have to consider your own safety first.  From your side I sure you struggle with the doing the thing you feel you should do from a support aspect - and the thing you may feel you should do for yourself, your sanity, your peace, your safety.  If supporting him is not working, then walking away (and I don't mean on a permanent basis if that is not your intent) may be the "tough love" that shocks him into realizing what he may loose and pushes him to take action for himself.  My only warning here would be to moniter his suicidal ideations.

As I daily deal with my own mental "chains" I wish both you and him the best.  i hope he seeks help for his own sanity/peace, and i hope youfind safety for yours.

[medicmommy]

Thanks so much for your words of advice and support...the thing that keeps me going and keeps me from locking him in a closet (or myself!) is the knowledge that when he "levels out" he recognizes that he needs to do something about his condition and does...He's gone through anger management which has helped, and I've drawn a line in the sand of which I've told him the consequences if he crosses it. He knows I'll put up with yelling, arm waving, and the blaming of inanimate objects or "people of little consequence" (eg the poor person who has given him medical referrals) for perceived ills against him. I refuse to put up with lasting personal attacks, verbal attacks on our daughter, or him destroying anything.  He knows I won't abandon him, and I'll be (and have been) an advocate for him,  but also knows that I will do what I need to to protect myself and the daughter, and if that involves calling 911, then it will...
He had a dose of "tough love" a few days ago when he went to see a specialist (an appt he'd waited for 3 months to get into) and became confrontational when he was asked for a urine sample...He didn't see this from the Dr office's perspective (it was a urologist) as being unreasonable and insists he wasn't confrontational even though he was told to leave or the cops would be called...Because of HIPPA, the nurse was unable to tell me anything other than what I already knew when I called a bit later to find out what happened...I refused to support him and his illusion that this was the fault of the Drs office...(He's still ticked over that one..) When I go to appointments with him, all goes well...when I don't, he claims the Dr is inept or blows him off...Part of me wants to believe him, but the other part that stands back as a person looking in and sees a pattern which reveals him making his own predictions of failure come true. He doesn't see it this way because "everything is someone else's fault"...Sound familiar? He grasps for things to support his thought processes, and feels betrayed when I refuse to play in to them...I know this is part of the nature of the disease, and can only hope that soon (before I do lock him in a closet) that something will help stabilize him...sigh...I think I understand now why psychiatric patients were often chained to a wall inside their homes in the old days...:O ~MM

[bernie40]

As well as working towards getting your husband treatment you need to look after yourself also.  Living with someone who has BP can be very stressful.  If you find that you are becoming unable to cope then be sure to speak to your Doctor about it, he may be able to offer you some suggestions such as support groups, managing anxiety etc and you "may" need medication.

Is your husband co-operative in seeking help for his condition?  If not then you may have to use the "tough love" approach and follow LCC's advice in that if he becomes verbally or physically violent towards you you need to ring 911.  This will either shock him into doing something or you may be able to "go over his head" to get the necessary help for him.

I feel for you on this, I know I have trouble living with "me" so the rest of the family must really have a tough time :(

[LeftCoastChick]

If you don't feel safe at any time call 911 -  when you said you were worried about him harming himself or you, that's a huge indicator something major is going on. Your safety comes first.

[irishwriter]

i think lamictal is one of the good ones but am on abilify and others as well so not sure which one has increased the appetite. am blaming abilify!

[medicmommy]

Hi rliz! -Thanks to you both for the feedback...He's just been started on Lamictal and I'm hoping it helps...From what I've read, managing both of these conditions are similar to managing any other medical problem...You find what works, often through trial and error, and make adjustments as needed...Is weight gain common with Lamictal as well? Thanks! ~MM

[BeeKeeper]

I've been diagnosed with BP II and BPD, and I also rapid cycle.  So, if my diagnosis is correct...they can coexist.  I'm trying DBT as treatment for BPD.