Hi everyone
Sorry this is so long!.
I am a middle-aged male with a history of GAD, OCD, Panic Attacks, bouts of depression here and there (mostly situational), Social Anxiety Disorder and at one time, I used to be a huge hypochondriac although that seems to have gotten better over the years. I have also suffered from a tic disorder for most of my life which I (and others close to me) have grown up believing was Tourette's Syndrome.
Over the years I have managed to live a normal (and for the most part) happy life and have been able to accomplish many things. Life always seemed normal and I was always able to cope. None of my issues ever got in the way of doing whatever I wanted to do.
However, over the last 3-4 years I have gone through some periods of pretty intense stress brought on by various life circumstances. With each new stressful event came what appeared to be a decreased tolerance to stress until it finally reached a point where it seemed that even the smallest things became magnified and blown way out of proportion. In other words, with each new major stressor, I became more and more stress sensitive until any little thing (ie; an appointment, going somewhere, checking the mail, someone coming to see me, a knock at the door, a phone call, etc) would be enough to trigger the fear, worries and "what if's". Sometimes my mind would race and start conjuring up all of the "horrible" things that could possibly go wrong. Then came the dread and panic, sweats, strange dreams, etc. Sometimes depression would set in (or insomnia). Sometimes I'd be awakened several times during the night by adrenalin shooting through me (not fun!).
Fast forward to a few months ago. I finally got around to being diagnosed with Tourettes which cleared up the life-long mystery of what was causing my tics. That was great. I also got diagnosed with OCD and Panic Disorder again as well as GAD. However, this all came with an unexpected diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder which I had never been diagnosed with before.
At first I was thrilled to finally have a diagnosis of Tourettes as well as a treatment for it but then it hit me the next day that the Doctor had also said that I had Bipolar Disorder and had prescribed medication for that too. I soon looked up Bipolar Disorder online and was horrified at some of the things I read. While many of the symptoms (when taking into account my own history) made perfect sense and I was able to relate to them, all of the really bad ones I can't relate to at all because I've never been psychotic or had hallucinations or heard voices or done anything harmful, had delusions, etc. I'm not in denial or anything either. I just simply have not had them (thankfully). Just reading all of this stuff had me really scared - especially when I read things like "bipolar is a very serious disorder" and "people with bipolar are at a very increased risk of (I've left this word out)". Does this mean that even though I've never had any of the severe symptoms and live a pretty normal life, I can be put in a padded cell by some doctor on a whim at any time simply because I've now been labeled?. That would be even scarier!.
A few of the symptoms that make me think that maybe I do have Bi-polar are...
* Bouts of depression here and there (mostly situational). I do have "highs" as well but not very often.
* Doing as much as I can on days when I "feel good" or just in case I start feeling bad again.
* Planning for all the "what ifs", preparing, taking notes at times, trying to "protect" myself from future stressful events, etc.
* Anxiety/Panic/OCD.
* Many people with Tourettes also have Bipolar Disorder.
* I also had ADHD as a child and was put on Ritalin.
* An extremely high intolerance for stressful things.
* Stressful events in life seem to be huge triggers for bipolar and I have been under tremendous stress for awhile now with multiple stressors going on at once.
Anyway, I was put on Depakote. I've read this can cause some really serious/scary side affects but almost everyone I've read about has said it was a wonderful drug and "life-changing". I'm not even sure what type of BP he thought I had because he never mentioned it. Do they usually put people on Depakote for type 1 or 2?. I'm just so confused and freaked out by all of this. It's not at all what I was expecting and I feel like I now have the mark of Caine and will be judged and stigmatized for the rest of my life because now I have been "labeled".
Finally, for the last few months my mornings have been especially bad. I can't remember if I have ever gone through anything like this before but I might have (or something similar). I also have no idea what is causing it (bipolar?...stress?). Below, I've included a sort of illustration of what my nights have been like and what I experience. Perhaps someone here will be able to recognize this.
Here is how last night went...
* Skipped all medications (to rule them out), just listened to soothing music and felt "ok" when I finally went to bed at 2:00AM.
* Fell asleep after about 10 minutes and slept good until about 6:00AM or so.
* At about 6:00AM woke up feeling pretty good, went to the bathroom and crawled back into bed.
* Some time after I laid back down and was in the process of trying to fall asleep again I began to experience these strange noises in my head like a faint echo or "drumming" factory-type sounds accompanied with what seemed like a strange vertigo-type feeling (bipolar?...tinitis?). I began to panic and thought I might be about to faint or somthing but finally fell asleep.
* Woke up again at about 7:30AM, got up feeling very dazed/dull, made coffee and began my day. It's almost 1:00PM and I still feel strange in the head (although less so now), lump in throat sensation, lower lip quivered for a few minutes and had panicky feelings.
Here's how a few of my nights have been...
* I get to bed between midnight and 3:00AM. No trouble falling asleep.
* I wake up at about 6:00PM-7:00PM feeling pretty good, go to the bathroom, lay back down and just as I'm trying to get to sleep again, these huge surges of adrenalin/cortisol go rushing through me and I feel extremely panicky.
* I finally fall asleep again and then wake up feeling dazed/miserable/exhausted and it isn't until that evening that I begin to feel anywhere near "normal" again.
And finally, here is how most of my nights have been for the past month or so...
* I get to bed between midnight and 3:00AM. No trouble falling asleep.
* Some time in the very early mornings I have very stressfull dreams where I am performing some impossible and very arduous task (searching, escaping, sorting, arranging things, creating new things, getting confused about where things go, losing or forgetting things, solving some impossibly complex problem, etc).
* Finally get up and am dazed, spaced out and exhausted and feel miserable until that evening again. These are very stressfull dreams (not really nightmares) and the aftermath of all this stays with me throughout most of the day.
Does any of this sound familiar?. Is any of this what most of you go through as well?. Can anyone here relate?. Again, I apologize for how long this turned out to be. I have never posted in a bipolar forum before and have no idea what to expect or what is in store for me. I could really use some help and support in navigating my way through this whole thing. I will be very grateful for whatever input or advice I can get here.
- Thanks so much, need2behealthy