Redirecting Negative Energy: Reasons to Live?

[ILADVOCATE]

I do notice people sometimes experience suicidal ideations (can't say I am immune) and of course at that time the best thing to do is speak to your psychiatrist immediately. But if they just disrupt your moods or train of thought from time to time and not your whole life besides speaking to your psychiatrist I've found for myself one excellent way to redirect is to post one reason you want to live and why life is worth living, family, friends, goals, etc. and then keep going from there. Since its common to experience this, I'd be interested if people could just post one positive reason they want to live and why life is worth living even if they sometimes feel otherwise. Think about it.

[stormbear]

Believe me when i say it i know the feelings all to well my friend , what gets me through is knowing it won't last forever and perserverance , one thing i've learnt from bi polar is that it's always constant if it's not one thing it's another , (well for me it is )but i refuse to let it get the better of me i just keep fighting the good fight, that's a positive within it's self , i've also got a few tools and weapons to battle it with , like music , exercise good foods ,reading , a dog some plants i have to water daily so i make my self and give my self responsiibility , but just remember your not alone with this illness there are plenty of other people out there who have this that's why this forum is good , people understand what's happening and can help others out . if you want  feel free to message me if you have any questions anyways take care stay positive .

[mjarkremington]

It is too late for me to stabilize my mood, or anything else.  I really am worse than others.  I really don't have anyone that cares about me or that i care about.  Please don't tell me someone out there cares for me, it is just not true.  I have a deficient personality, and anyone becomes aware of that after being around me for about 2 minutes.  Personality traits do not change.  Therefore, I cannot do anything about myself.  Truthfully, I'm ok with myself and my personality, but the fact is, no one else is.  We can say the standard mantra, that no one's opinion matters but my own, and all that ********, and it is ********.  There is not a person on the planet who does not care what others think of them unless they are certifiably insane.  To be in a relationship means you care what the other thinks of you.  IOf you want other people in your life, and we all do, then we have to care about others opinions of us.  No way around it.  So, even if i'm okay with my personality, no one else is, and so i am forced to be alone, ALL THE TIME.  You ever hear about what happens to prisoners who are in solitary for too long?  If no one would ever want to be around me becasue of who I am, then perhaps it would be best to commit suicide and remove myself from teh equation.  I don't bring anything positive to life, I bring nothing to the table with me.  I'm a failure, a loser, ugly, horrible, socially inept, disliked, unmotivated, etc.  I do not have a single positive quality,or a single reason to live for.  DO NOT GIVE ME ANY JESUS CRAP!!!!  So, here I am, just wishing and waiting for death, every second of every day.  I have no enjoyment, no life really.  

[irishwriter]

i live in mayo (south of ireland) and i have to say when i saw public pdoc he was a waste of space and opted to see pdoc privately who now doesn't charge me for visits as he knows i am broke. i had a suicide failure last monday night and since then he calls me twice/day to check in with me and tweak meds to see if different dosages will work better for me. the tdoc i had seen was a referral from public pdoc and was just lucky to have seen her for six years as she was a good and kind person. i just hope that i can be that luck again if i opt to get a new one. i hope things have improved at your end. can you get a new pdoc where you live on a temporary basis and then maybe shop around for a good one when you get to university? some colleges have an on campus mental health service, it would be worth checking it out.,

[Delusion]

Apologies for the angry rant i realise its not very coherent.

[Delusion]

The problem is the woman i see keeps telling me medication is not a miracle cure and it wont fix me and it just masks the symptoms and blah blah bloody blah. Everytime i see her i explain to her i would just like to TRY them to see if they do anything for me, if they help me manage my life and actually allow me to function and dont have any adverse side effects then why is it so evil? And she tells me i need to explore other treatments first yet these other treatments are also off limits.. supposidly CBT wouldnt work because i have virtual amnesia of the last 3 years of my life so wouldnt be able to work with them on anything, she says councilling i wouldnt cooperate or turn up which to be fair would be true talking with some mental health nurse makes you feel a little better for 20mins but doesnt really do a lot more and finally drastic things like ECT she says im to young and couldnt handle it, isnt that again my choice? She just doesnt seem to understand i would let them set my skin on fire, poke pins through my eyes and conect electrodes to my freaking tongue if i knew it would help and i really dont care how unpleasant something may be at first.

Im trying to find a new psychaitrist but i only have a 4 month window left now before i go back to university in which time i'll have to start treatment all over again in another city. The NHS quality healthcare for all, Jesus..

[ILADVOCATE]

Its distressing to me to hear that especially being on multiple debates on other sites about how the U.S. should have a national health care system and how it is better in the U.K. I can't say whether what you experience is true of everyone in the U.K. or not but you should have access to a psychiatrist if you need one. Its not only your right to try medication if you need them its your treatment. I didn't know there was a system that put psychiatric medication last. Even if its in just one place I would put the list of IL centers in the UK:
http://www.independentliving.org/docs3/cils.html#anchorUK
to contact as that's something that's worth advocating to change. Perhaps speak to them about it and that issue could be taken up if they saw it of concern which I'm sure they would. That's my approach to things and it is always working with the mental health system as to what I've done and my approach but here it seems to make treatment a last priority which is something I don't think anyone here would agree with.

[Delusion]

Quite the opposite i would infact love to see a psychaitrist for meds... its my right to try them to see if they have any effect on me because all i currently get is patronising life style advice like going to bed earlier and trying to establish a sleep pattern and its like 2 decades dont you think ive tried this!!! I just get told drugs are evil and they wont solve anything but its my right to see this for myself because im not recieveing councilling or CBT or ECT so they cant even attack back at me with the ''only after other treatments have been tried'' argument because im not allowed to try anything. How different is healthcare in Ireland compared to here in England? Im not sure which half you come from.

[irishwriter]

i live in ireland and am just lucky to have found a really decent, kind pdoc who is generally available on phone whenever i need him. i spent many years with different psychologists and pdocs before i found him. i was also lucky for twelve years, ten years ago before i moved that i had an excellent gp who was also available any time to talk to if needed and still is v. understanding when i call him even though i haven't been his patient in so long. my tdoc for the last six years has been v. supportive but she has now retired so am in a bit of a quandary as to whether to find a new one and have to start from beginning again. i hope you both get to find a good pdoc who doesn't just dispense meds although my sister who lives in usa has similar arrangement, just sees pdoc for meds but has a psychologist for therapy. it sounds like a unsatisfactory arrangement to me.

[ILADVOCATE]

Yes that makes sense. My psychopharmocologist functions as a talk therapist as well. He didn't always. I just got sick of him and the talk therapist playing what they called "telephone tag". He still does that with the neurologist but those are two different disabilities so its needed and anyway they work closely together. I just got sick of the talk therapist calling him and saying "he can't tolerate this medication". I felt that it was worth cutting out the middle man. That stopped years ago. For most people who respond well to known medications the idea of having a seperate talk therapist does make sense though.
   I haven't ranted in years. I do tend to recieve them from other people in my life but it makes me feel better about myself to tone them down and them as well. I have been trying to back off as regards other people's recovery but its nice to know aside from the same people everyone else has to answer as regards the law and of course my psychopharmocologist that I don't have authority figures in my life telling me how to conduct my business. It should have happenned at age 18 I'm just glad it happenned and in a manner that made them take a new approach to life.

[LetaB]

  I know you don't mean to imply that my trouble with connecting to a psychiatrist is because I am treating them rudely - but it sounded that way. My psychiatrist made it very clear to me at the outset that he was not a psychologist and he didn't have time to listen to my woes. He is there to dispense medications. I go there with a clear idea of what meds I've taken already and what are my alternatives. I save ranting for therapists whom I don't see.

[ILADVOCATE]

To be honest I wasn't always working so closely with my provider. It was a matter of mutual trust and I had to take the first step. The psychopharmocologist I see was my choice which is essential (I know not all people have that option, many people including in the U.S. have to go to a clinic and see a different provider each time). But before recovery I used to spend the whole time ranting. It really did burn them out. Now I work with them on a different level but I had to stop seeing them as the opposition. I well respect that people like to be treated like human beings but so do providers. I know part of that decision was my recovery because when I was paranoid I saw any treatment providers as the opposition. But part of it was a sense of self respect. And when you have a sense of self respect you tend to get treated better. I think that applies to all of society.

[Delusion]

Yep thats pretty much what its like for me.. the last two actual psychaitrists ive seen have done nothing but argue and threaten me with the consequences of wasting their time and making accusations about me supposidly lieing to them at every point. A thing that pisses me off is they say if you ever need to talk to me in a emergency if your feeling suicidal call me on this number ill answer if im not with a client or im not on a break and we only run 9-5... its pretty **** most people need help at the times the rest of the world is asleep.

[LetaB]

  I just discussed just calling up and talking to my psychologist with my boyfriend and we had a good laugh. I live in America - what country do YOU live in when you have such access? Even if it weren't Sunday I have NEVER been able to speak directly to my doctor after 10 years. Now I've lost him so I called the only other psychiatrist in this valley and they told me they were making appointments 6 MONTHS in advance! the only person I could talk to right now would be some stranger with questionable credentials who would preach to me, argue with me, and consistently threaten to call the police if I am honest with her.

[ILADVOCATE]

I would hope psychiatrists are as receptive in other countries as some of the ones I've met here. I can't say I'll ever know personally but as for research, that occurs around the world with a variety of high level researchers, pharmaceutical companies and universities networking so ideas certainly do. Disability rights are becoming more important in other countries as well. And the U.S. itself is behind on some things such as a national health care system. But I digress...
  When a person is in that state they don't think of others the same way they don't think of themselves. Its essential when we are doing well to reach out to others and have people in our lives so even if we are isolated we change that so that at times of crisis we have people that do create meaning for us. People should value themselves but we are also part of society. That's why I do need to get out physically from time to time and want to increase it. Its not been the same and I am actively trying to change that.

[Delusion]

Lol i love it when people say when your getting the thoughts get into your psychaitrist immediately like its that easy, if only we were all american eh

My reason like many other peoples would be guilt at the fact the few people who actually care would blame themselves for being so stupid and oblivious in a way it would be largely their own fault but they still do not deserve to see me die. Has anyone ever wished however for loved ones to be happy for them if they ever did it? That they finally worked up the courage and their heads are finally at peace and are no longer in pain? This is something a lot of people overlook.

[irishwriter]

you echo my life at the moment. it is difficult just to get through the day and also trying to maintain the 'no cutting' right now though i have reached the four week mark, last friday. my last suicide failure still haunts me as a failure and i remember the crystal clear quality of the water i drank to take the pills. i didn't put the phone out of the room though and i have no recollection of calling a friend who came straight away and got me to hospital. most of the time i wish i had succeeded but beyond spur of the moment desires to escape the unremitting pain of this i am usually stopped by the thought of my children who still need me so much. also pdoc is wonderful for talking me down and trying to get me to see all the good things i do and have in my life. i am still hoping for the meds that will work properly for me. the current regime is not bad but on monday pdoc and i will talk about what needs to be added or increased as the lows have been v. bad lately. i had a suicide plan for may and a part of me feels that i will be a complete prat if i don't do it. another part of me hopes that i will get through this month and that the meds will kick in and do their job. i have lost so much time in my life that i would love to be able to avail of the time i have now. i too have a problem with being able to 'act as if' i am fine when i absolutely am not.

sorry also to ramble.

iw

[ILADVOCATE]

Thanks for the compliments. Seriously. But I was having suicidal ideations from the extreme pain of my physical disability and I would not have acted on them. As I posted if I had been having suicidal ideations that were from depression as I've always stated I wouldn't be posting here. I'd be on the phone (TTY in my case) with my psychiatrist. I was just trying to start a thread here to have people find reasons to see why they enjoy life and value themselves so at times when they don't they could look back and see why and think again. I adjusted treatment for my physical disability from advice I recieved (from the staff neurologist) that I gave to my neurologist and he found quite of help. Just another forum. Even when things are bad physically life goes on. It will be hard to physically get out and about and am setting up accomodations but I have some people to help (but can't post that for confidentiality reasons) in the outside world and now I am finally ready to. Don't worry. As regards myself life does go on. I got some energy back with some of the new treatments I am on for my physical disability and did a collage and a poem, first time in a while.
   And don''t worry standard or experimental I always take my medication as prescribed. I work with the system to keep things regulated on my end and then reach out to others. And its good to hear people have reasons of their own to keep going in life and always important to keep those in mind when life isn't going well.

[adel_ezz]

When I saw your first post about valuing yourself and taking care of yourself, i felt for the 1st time you are in one of your lows. I tried to think of something to say. Yesterday, I didn't do anything at work thinking about you and i was sad. Each time i reach something to tell you and then revise your old posts i realised that i will not compare to yours. Then I imagined MEDHELP forum without you how would it taste. The first thing in the morning when i wake up before going to work I first look into BP forum for perhaps I find one of your new posts for me to benefit from. Several months ago, I thought you answer posts in the BP forum only, until i posted once a question in the depression forum managed by LeftCoastChick and was astonished to receive a reply from you. I even spoke once about my mother heart problems and found you concerned giving advise. If i think of someone deserving to be called the father of MEDHELP it will be you for sure.

Now you talk about suicide ideations, you are still in your lows. The question is not whether there is a reason to survive but rather WHY there is a reason to die. OF COURSE it's our damn illness, we feel crippled. Suicidal ideation is a state of mind for the weak who wants to escape. But who is the weak. Not the person who feels handicapped by his poor sight, or bad health but who lost track. I saw poor people wanting to live eagerly on the contrary very rich people wanting to die. So simply it's the state of our mind which tells us this. Some would tell you if i can find a way to die but not with pain then I would do it. He is lying in order to escape again. Psychologists will tell you that psych patients have to sit with others and frequent the society and this exactly what we do here. One major reason why Arabs don't commit suicide is two fold: they live in a large community with families and their religion like all the rest of the religions prohibiting suicide.

I will tell you all non-BP people also thought of the same ideation once in their life. Bankrupted people, defeated leaders, etc...feeling that they have no aim in their life so why keeping it. Those people can't face others. On the contrary we have nothing to fear. We are angry that is all sometimes from the society (should be more understanding of our illness) from our parents that they let us inherit it but none of us is ashamed of his situation.

Besides, watching others is educating. I came to the conclusion that happiness not only it's a state of the mind but occurs sometimes only. Otherwise we would have encountered people called happy. None of this happens this way. On the contrary people who experience pain enjoy more and much more the time when they are OK. My parents tell me when in recovery i keep singing happily and they tell me but this is the normal situation which people experience. But for me, i find it amazing.

Don't you remember your regular posts to me feeling so much concerned about my taking an antidepressant and urging me to take a mood stabilizer and especially advising lamictal. I remember at least half a dozen of messages private to me adcvising a mood stabilizer I was afraid of course to cross the barrier to the anticonvulsants. I passed on your advise to my new pdoc. I started lalmictal a fortnight ago and now i am a new person. Look what you have done. To give happiness and stability to others is like implanting a new rose in the heart of others. Can't you see your ACHIEVEMENTS.

I am very glad to be in this forum. Even when I did a mistake towards the nicest lady, I found you speaking to me in private and very politely reminding me that this is a public forum only. Indeed it's public, but I never felt so at ease as if i live in a big family like this one.

I hope the best for all of you and NEVER forget to take your meds
ezz  

[rmoore]

My wife and kids.  There's so much I want to teach my sons and so much more I want to experience with my family.  I get these thoughts,,way too often at times, but I've seen the devastation that is left when someone chooses to use suicide as their escape.  

[blacksoul004]

for my art. gad gave me a woundefull talent and if i let go id be wasting the gift he gave me. id be throwing away all i have to offer the world. and that makes me important.!!!

Heidi

[bernie40]

There are only 2 "real" people I see regularly outside of my own little family unit and that's only maybe once a week or a fortnight.  I find it easier to communicate via here, e-mail or facebook because it doesn't seem to matter how **** I'm feeling I can usually pen something but without having to put on a physical appearance.  Up until a couple of years ago I was very sociable, always out, having fun blah blah and I stay in touch with some of those folks and they understand that I'm not a social butterfly anymore.  Some of them on the other hand couldn't accept the change in me - I don't give a hoot about them anymore.

My mum gave some good advice a while back, she said "Helen, get rid of the dead wood from your life, it'll only drag you down" - she was referring to some of my so called friends.

A normal day for me is, drag myself out of bed and onto the sofa, drink first cup of tea, make youngest daughter's breakfast, sit back on sofa, surf the web, drink more tea, try and summon energy to go and get showered and dressed, some days I don't do either, somedays both and sometimes just one or the other.  Plod around the house making half-hearted attempts at doing something, surf the web some more, go to sleep in the afternoon, wake up when kids get in from school etc etc

That is a normal day.  Today is one of those days and I'm struggling to remain cheerful, trying my best to be a "good" mummy as it's my daughter's birthday.  I've now made the cake, still needs decorating and I need to prepare the evening meal.  No chance of a sleep but want to go back to bed.  Need to keep smile plastered on and my temper on an even keel until bed-time.  May well have sudden bursts of energy and even happiness - let's hope so.

I then have odd days, sometimes consecutively (sp) where the energy remains, I feel good and I get lots done.  I even go out the front door!  If every day were like that then my life would indeed be good.  This would be considered normal for the majority of folks but for me it is akin to a mania in relation to my personal "norm".

Thanks (I think) for saying I'm moderate and polite about life - truth is I'm too tired to argue anymore.  Used to be known as the one who'd get things sorted, or "don't cross Helen" etc etc - I've given up, don't want to keep on fighting for everything I can't handle it anymore.

Sorry for the "me me me me" post, and for bearing my soul.  I'm guilty of putting on a mask even in here and I apologise for that but I think it's just built in, so now you "see" the real me.  An expert at faking being "ok".  

[LetaB]

  Thank you, bulldozer. I know if I could stop feeling so stupid and full of SELF - self hate, self pity, self doubt - I would be more useful and easy going. I know I'm paranoid but truly some of what I fear is out there in store for me IS!
  You sure seem to know a lot of fun and affectionate people for one who doesn't get out much - REAL people - not only internet folks. How did that happen then? Also you seem to be more moderate - or at least more polite - about life.
  My life centers around my web contacts. My boys are at school and have social lives. My boyfriend's at work. This is what I look forward to when I wake up every day. I'd like to be more three dimensional but I'm continuing in this miasma. Today I hope to remember to contact the other psychiatrist available to me. If you don't hear from me for a while I'll be in treatment. I need an overhaul.

[ILADVOCATE]

Medication options will increase in the coming years. For more information google "psychmeds123". If what is available now can't help there will be more options that promote a fuller recovery in the near future. As I've posted working with researchers to acheive that is one thing that makes me want to remain here regardless of anything else that happens. Don't give up on treatment. It will improve as will your life and there are practical things you can do for recovery in the meantime. If your life doesn't have enough meaningful activities find things that bring happinness and enjoyment in your life. Depending on people's level of recovery there are mental health support group, psychiatric clubhouses and everyday activities that anyone can participate in. It certainly would be worthwhile to join your local NAMI group.

[bastet56]

I have no more goals, I've seen my sons grow and have their own kids and with my medication problems I truly feel that if I run out of medication options I would rather not stay. That said however, my other half has told me that if I off myself he will too and I don't want that haunting me in my next life or wherever I end up so I am stuck.
  I'm glad you can find the urge to live somewhere in yourself. I'm glad whenever anyone can find a reason that pleases them to stay here. I just don't feel it.