As I have said many times to my docs and friends they should start to worry if I feel my children dont want me, otherwise this is my one reason I would never kill myself as I would not do that to them.
My son, I always, always, think about my son. He is what keeps me here, he is what gets me out of bed in the morning. He is the sunshine in the darkness. His eyes sparkle, and his smile gives me hope.
My family. They teach me to not run from my triggers and face them head on. Practice makes perfect. They show me that I don't have to allow the Bipolar to control my life. I have control in my life over everything. I look at being Bipolar as a gift and not a curse. I have been through and seen more things than most people could even imagine. That's special. People could learn a lot about emotions from me. That's what keeps me going.
I'm with you! - Bipolar's given me a life of adventure! - ok there's a few train wrecks but I wouldn't trade. Can I read your biography when you get around to it?
Like most people I experience those feelings in the middle of the night when I am alone. It always seems like a good idea then. The thing that as always managed to stop me is the fact I can,t do that to my family and freinds. I was once told by my daughter I can not die until I am nearly a hundred becasue she will hopefully have dementia by then and not know. She can,t imagine life with out me being around. How could I do it after that ? Also things do always change, we always have change possibly more then a lot of other people.
Well let's see here... Louise because we've been through a lot of real **** together that shouldn't ever have to happen to people and are still together and she may have her problems but she's a really good person and she's been so supportive where she stayed up as long as she could even though I kept telling her to go to sleep when I was going through withdrawal.
Friends I do have because they're really supportive and I feel like I can relate with them at least on one level or another which is something hard for me and they've not really done anything yet to really screw up like stab me in the back.
Writing music because it's cool when you make something and it gets an emotional reaction out of people like one of my songs from my album I'm working on about Chernobyl that actually scared people.
Because life can be wonderful once you can stabalize your moods.
bringing new life to the world!!
i am bipolar and have been diagnosed as since i was 14..
i think the only reason i am still alive today is because i look forward to having a child!
its the most beautiful thing in this entire world!!!
I think I'd have to learn to get past some really traumatic experiences that happened to me that really screwed me up on a daily functioning basis that I hope therapy will help with before life could be really wonderful once my moods were stabilized.
This is something I struggle with more than i let others know. I think even my therapist and Pdoc are tired of hearing it...so I just don't say anything anymore.
My sons are the ones that keep me in check. I adore them...and as much as I often think they would be better without me, I can't find the justification to leave them with that memory.
My by-pass has been to cut. It's a penance to pay i guess and is short of doing something more. Is also a reminder of the enternal torment and the hurt I've caused others by inflicting the pain on myself. Unfortunately that's where I've been this week...thinking of my sons and the reasons why I don't cross that gap from one pain to another.
I'd feel as if I turned down a large number of people. Anything I've done to help people, initiate positive things to help society would stop and any societal injustice I've tried to stop would continue. Just thinking of the world getting on without me and not missing me gives me the drive to live where everything else fails. If people believe I don't have a place in this world if I left it it would be affirming their negativity. And in a strongly positive sense in working with people there would be too much left undone.
My relationship after 20 years . I'm still in love
reading all these comments will now be added to my reason, I can take something from each of you. Its so good to have a forum like this, you all have got me through the most difficult 6 months of my life so thank you.
It would be my own guilt at leaving my family behind and the knowledge that they would be left with feeling guilty that they hadn't done enough or that they were in some way responsible.
I would say though that I am lucky that I haven't hit the all consuming black pit in 16 years and when I was in it I truly believed that everyone would be better off without me. There was nothing that would convince me otherwise.
With me, suicide ideation has not led to suicide attempt. My suicide attempts have always been very sudden, immediate decisions following deep depression. No plans made in advance. The thought came and was acted on within minutes. I pray I never go to that place again.
With suicide ideation, which I do sometimes still go through, I think it all out, plan it, etc, this allows my "other side" to argue the reasons for staying alive, allows me to admit my feelings to others which in turn helps pull me back.
So, yes I do believe suicide ideation and negative thinking can be turned around. I don't think the same can be said for those times when the decision is impulsive.
I'm sure I'm not alone in this. I don't know because I've only ever heard people talk about planned suicide. Are there others here who have made the impulsive decision to try and take their own life?
Guilt? Is that any way to live? And who gives them the right? Guilt is what keeps me here also but I resent it. After all, I bore my children, I raised them with my whole heart - how can they ask for my endless suffering as well? That is what my logic says.
Of course I envision their crying faces.....it put me in this stubborn, ugly dillema.
I know what you mean here, I have had one attempt and it was impulsive when I was young and nothing would have stopped me, although saying that I had no children then so who knows, other thoughts have always been rationalised and passed because I think of my kids and keep telling myself they will be damaged emotionally for life if I do this, this maybe because they too suffer from emotional issues and they too are young and still dependent, not sure how things will pan out later on as I have said before everyone should start to worry when I start to beleive they dont need me and they will be better off without me. All my plans involve an "accident" so I have already planned it so they just greive for the loss of a mother and dont think I have taken my own life which I have rationalised as being a better for them, but at the moment I know I am molding them and helping them grow into lovely adults and I am supporting them and they love me like I love them.
I reread your last comment and yes, I have slit my wrists in anger - an instant "I'll show you" reaction when I was pretty young. But a much more serious attempts was planned and executed decades later. It is so much more simple to be instinctual about it than to go over and over the details.
Yes but think about it. You didn't show them when you did that. You took some of the hatred people gave you and inflicted it on yourself. Guilt is not the whole reason you are here. You have done a lot for your children to help them. You have helped them be who they are and will be. Think of it that way.
When I hear that people have difficulties or troubles it only gives me more of a reason to live. I feel that I cannot just be a bystander because that's how I've been treated by society. I want to give people a reason to live and enjoy life. And yes that gives me more reason to live. That's why I call it empowerment but whatever people call it I think its a healthy way of understanding life.
In many ways my life is good. Although I'm not rich, I am financially stable. I have the means to travel, dine-out and enjoy the arts (all passions). I have an emotionally stable husband who loves me unconditionally. I have healthy parents. It’s unfortunate that with my emotional state I cannot always enjoy these things.
Although I have a LOT of downs and mixed-states I also live my life with passion and energy. I've been told by my relatives in Italy that although I was born and live in Canada, I'm 100% Italian! Anyone who has visited and mingled with the locals in Southern Italy will attest to their pure joy and pride of living.
I'm very unfortunate to have Bipolar, GAD and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder but I enjoy fairly good physical health.
When I journal my suicidal plans I'm always able to talk myself out of them. I have two main ones that go like this.
1) I will cash in all my RRSP's and live the high life for as long as possible (traveling, purchasing designer goods, eating the best foods) and when these funds run out I will commit suicide at a 5 star hotel in the finest of clothes and with a belly full of seafood. But then I will think - what if I'm enjoying myself and don't want to end it? Then I what will I do? I will have gone through my entire retirement fund?
2) I will end my life to get back at the people that hurt me. I will hope that they will feel remorse. But then I'll get bummed out because I won't be able to witness their remorse. What's the point of committing suicide to get back at people if you can't even enjoy it? And what if they don’t feel remorse? Again, I will have talked myself out it.
What can I say? I'm a quirky girl and have quirky plans.
Empowerment is a beautiful way to live.For me it began once I got the drugs out of my system 1985. Soon after I got clean I started having daytime delusions,extream mood swings and sucidial thoughts, So I went into therapy without any meds and started unravling my childhood trama of sexual abuse.Long story short..Suffered in silence for the next 7 years By 1992 I built up a very sucessful hair salon, pulled permits and had my own house built, all while not being treated with meds.A BI- POLAR GIFT.
Eight years ago I was the one flying over the coo coo nest.What frightened me the most was...I couldn't get back. Full blown paranoid mania,took two weeks to stablize Many meds and combo of meds, open my eyes in the morning the first thought was death.Somewhere deep inside I knew it was my illness even though my brain was screaming somethig different.
So through all the twist and turns my illness has taken me What has saved me has been working with other women in Recovery from drug addiction, childhood abuse,BP support.
And did I happen to mention My Gina.I could never leave her and my three beautiful grandchildren. Thats not the legacy I choose to leave behind. I have lost a lot on a material level the last 8 years( mainly my business). But I still have everthing that matters.
We have recently changed my meds. and I feel as good if not better than when I first went on Lithium * years ago.
So letaB don't give up before your miracle. Much love to you both....Debra
I said I slit my wrists in anger - I didn't say it wasn't stupid. Of course it was. That's why I never did that sort of thing again. I love the way you express it though as taking out the pain inflicted on us onto ourselves. I hadn't thought of it that way. That's what cutting and vengence inspired "suicide" attempts are. One is self hate and the other wants to shock.
What miracle would that be, freebird? What was your own? It is not fair to assume that because I am bipolar I have no "real" circumstances that make it sensible for me to want to retire. That may have been YOUR situation but not mine. Do you know I made my pdoc teary eyed in a session telling him what has happened to me? Why do you think we are all predisposed to want to go on? It's biological - animalistic even. Purely instinctual to want to self preserve. Now, it is truly tragic when young, distraught people take their own lives - what was in their cards? They weren't psychic. But what about the terminally ill? And those in chronic pain? What are we all so frightened of anyway? You don't leave a "legacy" of death when you die - by what ever means. You leave the legacy of how you carried out your life. Is it utterly inconceivable that some of us are not, in fact, living? Are not equipped to do so? Are, sadly beyond "miracles"?
I really think it is amazing how much time and thought y'all put into your answers here, trying so hard to assist, teach, intervene, and support. You deserve medals for this work. I don't always see eye to eye with all of you (and you know who you are) but I can see that you have the best intentions - usually - and are trying hard to understand (mostly). I want to have a day like Mother's Day for the unpaid, unsung counselors on this forum who have caused people to pick up a phone, take their meds, take stock, reconoitre . My, I DO go on sometimes. Thanks for so much thought and work. I've drunk it in.
There's nothing wrong with self expression and its normal to experience feelings of negativity. That said it makes sense to appreciate what we can. I don't think a person should force themself to tell people that they are enjoying life when they are not. I went through that in my teenage years before medication. I didn't tell people what was going on and I gave up because they said "don't worry, be happy" and other nonsense when I was blatantly unhappy with myself and the world. And medication is there as treatment. Its not there to make your life happy when it isn't for real reasons of emotional conflict and it won't. Mother's Day may make some people happy and it will make others feel unappreciated. That has nothing to do with any form of mental illness.
People are human. We are entitled to our opinions. But suicidal ideations are always of concern. I wasn't posting to say that anyone was experiencing them but to find some coping solutions when we do. I myself try to do something practical and constructive to make my life worthwhile when there were times I felt otherwise. And if society undervalues me I want to challenge their ideology and prove them wrong. We all have our own approach to life.