As a bipolar 1, on no meds, I know the feeling of guilt and shame that comes with acting crazy around people. Mostly, I tend to go off in the mountains, but sometimes, I have done some pretty embarrassing things. My psychotic break was about 18 months ago now. It took a good year to fully recover. I so relate to you saying that you "thought" you were doing better, but were likely still manic or affected by your break or bipolar. I too kept going back to start up my life again, as it was, but couldn't seem to function well for very long. I cussed God, asked my wife to kill me, went to jail, honestly, I don't even remember most of a month. Slowly, memories of what happened are coming back, like dreams I had.
Anyway, how did I deal with those I love and who love me, friends, and neighbors? I focused on getting more stable, found as many forms of support and accountability as I could, and truly worked with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy to change my MO and perceptions of myself and the world I live in. The only way I have been able to make my neighbors not fear me, because I do think I scared some people, is to live in stability for awhile and prove through my actions that I am doing better. Nobody blames me for being a maniac, but they seem to have loosened up, as I was not crazy for enough times of talking to them. Now, neighbors share stories of other bipolar friends and how they empathize with me. I just tell them, if I am acting crazy, call my family or ask me to leave, politely.
One thing I struggle with a lot is obsessive thinking. For example, I can totally see myself fixating on that gal you met, sometimes it's the government, sometimes religion or science, but I have had to learn to see when I am acting manic and giving something more value than it deserves. Focusing on healing and balance in myself seems to be the best way for me to have healthy relationships, which has been hard for me all my life. I change all the time, even without a severe episode. My changes make it hard for people to get to know me. Am I an introvert or extrovert? Am I intelligent or ignorant? Am a creative or a drone? The answer is, YES. I can be extremely optimistic or pessimistic, outgoing or withdrawn, my recovery has been me practicing at knowing the state i am in and responding appropriately. I have a plan for mania and depression, those plans are shared with hose who love me, so they know when to tell me to go hide or recognize my state of mind.
I used to only make decisions in a stable state, or as stable a state as I am ever in, and also in mania. Now, I have learned that the mania decision making is likely worse than in depression. I don't make any major plans nor decisions in mania or depression. I use other people to decide if I am in a stable state or not, as I cannot see myself a lot of times. Like right now, I am hypo manic, have been for a few months. I am making sure to get enough rest, even if I can't sleep, I lay there and meditate. I have learned a great deal about myself and seem to be able to not go psychotic, so far. My wife told my daughter last night, "You need to give your dad some space, he is manic and feeling inspired, just let him express it." She also reminded me that I have to eat and rest to maintain this level of energy and inspiration.
So, it sounds like you had an SSRI induced episode of mania. This may not be a bad thing, especially with an entire life of depression. It is important to learn how not to go psychotic though, I hate feeling psychotic, it's so intense. I would avoid Wellbutrin. My doctor said, "No way YOU are taking Wellbutrin, it has been proven to cause mania and potential psychosis in bipolar 1." I think it is very important to learn about any med, before you ever take it. It is also important to get a solid diagnosis, from more than one person, unless you totally trust one doctor. Use some of your mania to educate yourself at crazymeds.us. That is a good web site to learn about all the meds that are prescribed for the mentally interesting.
I would focus on therapy and finding your own balance and coping skills, girls will come, girls will go, but your brain will follow you everywhere you go. As you find inner peace, or at least acceptance, then all the other pieces of life will fall into place. Focusing on a girl as your path to peace or freedom is not likely going to help you nor win the girl.
Dear Manroot. I read your story. I have been almost as manic, but I get put in hospital before I can go out of my mind completely.
You mentioned Lamictal. Is this helping you? Usually Pdocs have us on several meds that work together.
Concentrate on art class. Work. If you enjoy writing, write a book you can publish & make some $$ with.
My Uncle had a funny saying. There's a mop for every bucket. And a butt for every saddle.
You've probably not found the right bucket for your mop yet. Give this girl a break. She's asked you to leave her alone.
Do not become a stalker. She'll need to get a restraining order and you'll get into trouble. Consider it done. There's a zillion girls in the world. Join
P o f or some other dating site. They have friend websites too.
We understand you here. At DBSA you can get involved in a support group.
I respect your feelings for this girl. Now you need to respect her feelings.
I feel so bad for you. I don't know how you made it five months like that. I couldn't even make it a week before I freaked out and was dragged to the hospital. Were you taking the wellbutrin the entire time? I'd stay away from antidepressants. They are not good for people like us!
I would move on from the girl you were texting during your situation, even if it may be hard. :o( It sounds like she doesn't want further communication with you. Or maybe she'll want to work things out and contact you. I'd leave things up to her.
To manroot, weaver and maxy,
I am so sorry you guys have this disorder. I know how terrible it can be. But I am proud of you all for being real and educating me. I hope and pray your worlds finds peace.
Thanks for all the commentary. One good thing about this whole ordeal that I've come to realize is that I've probably been undiagnosed BPII my entire adult life (ie:the last 18 yrs+ felt like a depressive torture cycle to hell and back-- that I had mistaken or accepted as simply being myself because I'd known nothing else for so long, I wasn't ever self aware of the moods as I am now.) On a 0-10 mood scale -- I must've hovered around 3-3.5 (just above the worthless/hopeless stuck to the ground feeling) most of my life, but somehow managed to push through with brief periods of "happiness" ie hypomanias. [email protected]
works really well, I feel stable, and confident (this is what it feels like to be "normal?") Damn have I missed out! <-- I swear it improves everything, impulse, obsessive thoughts, focus, concentration, my posture... this list goes on and on. I've never felt this level of hope, never. [No pain no gain?] One downside is that I keep having strangely vivid nightmares/hallucinations that freak me out; sensations that my body is moving or something is touching me - it almost feels like I'm awake when it's happening. Weird stuff. Anyways, it's much better than that episode, that was torture, and I had no sense to get any help. At least now I do have answers, but after the most painful experience of my life!
I did notify my doctor and quit the Wellbutrin after 3 weeks, but after that.. it just got worse and worse... every time I thought I was stable, it go higher. Then it just spiked nonstop. I don't know why my family just let me "figure it out on my own" If it weren't for this girl I probably would have killed myself. That's why I feel so badly about the end result.
On the morbid sense of humor side of things .... Welcome to the bi polar 1 club lol. Some hard truths about being in this club are having to deal with consequences of episodes, psychotic breaks , mass mania whatever you'd like to call em. Cutting your losses after a break is one of the toughest things any of us must deal with.
You've been given some great insights by others and I must agree that further communication with the lady love you spoke of would be a mistake. What you can gain from this experience is knowledge. You now have experienced the ugliest side of bi polar 1 you know what it feels like first hand and you must now focus on learning how to prevent future breaks.
It seems to me from your description that the wellies, ( Wellbutrin ) put you over the top and as weaver had said stay away from them. My advice would be to stay away from any anti depressants as they all are designed to push you up and as you have now seen what too far up looks like, in my experience it's easier to deal with the downs drug free and medicate to stop or prevent the ups.
More importantly learning what your stress triggers are and being able to acknowledge warning signs of mania and prevent it by seeking proper care and treatment is the best way. It is now always going to be a possibility that you will go psychotic again. The more it happens the more likely it is to happen again and a mood stabilizer by itself will not prevent psychosis from occurring. So take this experience as bad as it has been , the events leading up to your break and try and pin point the stress triggers and factors that pushed you over the edge. Once you've done that you will know what to avoid.
I feel for ya on the crappiness aspect of your whole situation it sux and it hurts. All you can do is learn from it and move forward. Hit me back with any questions or clarification needed. Your not alone and as I said before lol welcome to the club.
This sounds so like what I went through fall '07 to '11 or so. On and off I destroyed my life irreversibly through texting before I could really live life.
It was uncontrollable, it was untreatable, it was unstoppable, unrepairable. My texts were only harmful to myself. They were rapid and started as some kind of attempt to joke around but exploded and became something I never meant it to be and now I am defined by these out of character psychiatric outpourings by countless of merciless strangers who know nothing about the impact of real mental illness.
I also had serious concussions years before my manic episodes and psychosis, too, and brain injuries, however mild can really change you.