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Bipolar Disorder Community
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Avatar universal

This episode has changed me?

To all my friends in this silly box called medhelp. You have given wise advice, concerned advice, agreeing advice, loving advice. I am grateful, very grateful.
I do care, again. I still don't laugh often. But I do smell the roses, fifty of them in back yard, when I cut or prune them...that means I have been outside a few times!
Our daughter, her husband, we are working on, stuff. I think the psych has a better handle on it, but daughter's pastor is a strong leader and prayer warrior so his influence is good as well.
It is three months, yesterday the 11th that Mom passed. It hurts, Mother's day, I chose to just forget. But we as a family all but daughter's husband, he is away met for dinner out and she gave me a card. Generic but nice. Other daughter was aware I did not want to celebrate it.
I am not sure, if I  will ever be the same again. I know I am coming through the darkness and even with this blasted gale force wind for over a week, it depresses me more, I will make it.
No more selfdestructive thoughts, just empty thoughts.
Hopefully will return to reading Scripture and daily devotionals, but have been distant for the first time since I gave my life to Christ.
I thank you for your prayers, comments, and encouragement.
I thank God for a place we can feel and be real without condemnation or subject to rejection.
Just wanted to say, thank you and each of you have played a part in me getting back this far. The journey continues, but, again, I will not be the same again. Wiser, reserved, less jovial but in a strange way more positive knowing this far down in the pit and He still can lift me out and place me on firm foundation.
zzzmykids
8 Responses
1211960 tn?1272974502
I am sorry for the loss of your mom. That must be devastating. I know it would be for me.

I hope you are moving forward with your grief. I hope one day that you will choose to remember your mother and let her live through your memories and words.

I have been on this site for a couple months but have not been very active. The past few days I have been more active and I appreciate the wise and sound replies I get here.

I wish you well ....
952564 tn?1268368647
Good to hear you've been going outside.

For the laughing thing, just read funny things or watch funny things even if you're not laughing. It will come back. It is better to continue to seek out humor even when you can't laugh. That's my philosophy and has gotten me through some rough times.
910419 tn?1289483727
Going outside is HUGE at a time like this. The roses will love the attention that you're giving them. Roses were special to my grandma, and so hold a special place in my heart now that she has left this life behind. I remember her with honor and love, but have, in the past year, come to acknowledge that I must let her continue to the next Turn instead of holding her back from her rightful path. She would want me to continue to live to the best of my abilities, as I'm sure your mother would want for you.

I read somewhere that laughter is the music of the soul. It will come back as long as you have a soul, which I'm guessing you do as you have given your life to Him. As for your not feeling as close to G-d, I'm going to refer to you a poem that helped my sister tremendously through her crisis many years ago, and continues to comfort her to this day. It's called  'Footprints in the Sand' by  Mary Stevenson. Google it and read it. May it help you.

For you, know that your mother is now reaping the benefits befitted her. It's natural to grieve her passing, but the Wheel continues to turn for us all, and as it does, we must live our lives as fully as possible in order to honor what we have been given.

peace be with you,

~Dame
202665 tn?1248806733
Just wanted you to know you've been on my mind since I read your earlier post.  It's nice that a 'place" like this exists where you can share with folks that really have been there.  It's nice that we can all encourage each other and to know you are in thought and/or in prayer from others.

It's hard to hear the words "hang in there" when you feel you are only hanging by a thread.  It is good you are getting outside.  Breathe deep the fresh air and smell your roses.  find those things that make you smile and just know everyone is thinking positive thoughts for you.
574118 tn?1305135284
the proverb says: the man feels young and boyish until his mother dies, so he becomes suddenly a man. the grief is hard to sustain, but depression is a blessing sometimes, you become more wise to accept life as it is. there was this english writer Daphne du Maurier (her name is french) who wrote a novel: "i will never be young again". i remember i read it many times.

you will feel quiet and in peace with yourself. it's quite natural what you feel. they say A man loves his sweetheart the most, his wife the best, but his mother the longest. so the loss of the mother is the most devastating.

time is sufficient to let you see things in a true perspective

peace with you and your family
Avatar universal
I am so glad you're taking care of the roses. Baby steps, but it sounds like you're at least doing better.

In my experience, tragedies leave a scar on your very being, and they heal very slowly. You never get rid of the scar, but it becomes less and less noticeable. Every once in a while, it opens and has to re-heal. But you know you can get through it the following times.

(((((((((hugs)))))))) and many, many prayers to you and yours. I am so very sorry for your loss.
Avatar universal
Saying Thank you almost sounds trite. The love, care and words of concern have touched me, deeply. Some I hear from regularly, others are friends I have missed communicating with for some time and then there are the ones I have not met, until now. There are more roses to tend and this year there were so many. The white ones did not have the brown mildew or aphid stains so were gorgeous. We have purple, yellow/Momma's favorite, peach, yellow and red/peach, long stem, english, climbing, white, red, floribunda and the jasmine is blooming again in the front yard, white. The chase trees are blooming purple and the yellow trumpets about to burst. The hummingbirds are back. It is a good time to go outside. I will read today. I love Footprints and until the early eighties they had it as annonymous. The book by the english writer sounds good, I will google it. I am not alone. Youngest daughter is speaking sparingly to us but speaking. My husband's surgery is coming up on the 2nd of June and will take much attention, so it is good to be wanting to be out of bed...at least a little. Now if I will drive somewhere each day, see friends, oldest and her babies....a mile down the road and take dogs around to see the horses they love...I might be able to pull through this. Wow what wasted days and nights. But I will not play catch up. There is a rodeo in town this weekend and hopefully the whole family can go and see it and the midway together.
Again, thank you all for your encouragement, it has meant so much to me.
In Him, we are all family,
zzzmykids
Avatar universal
Sorry I missed most of this because I've been busy the past few weeks with a project and have missed a lot of posts.  Maybe the summer coming with help you feel better.  I'm one of those people though who prefer winter.  You can beat this period, you'll just have to be patient with it for now.  
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