UPDATE 04/05/13 - Is this real?

[outpatient]

Original Post:

Hello,

My husband was diagnosed six weeks ago with Bipolar II after coming out of a manic episode.  He started the mania in October and moved out.  He even filed for divorce but before it was final, we started talking and in February he checked into a MH facility.  He was there for five days then entered an outpatient/group therapy for four weeks.  He moved back in with me on March 15th and he went back to work on the 22nd.  Since then he has been very depressed.  We talked about it and feel that leaving group therapy may have triggered it.  I did my research to understand more about what he is going through and learned a bit about the medication process.  I talked to him about it and suggested that he try a different medication.  He said he told his Psychiatrist and only the dosage was increased.  That was just this last Monday.  He told me last night that he is moving out because he doesn't know what else to do.  I told him that is just the illness talking and to please try therapy (single and together) and a different medication.  He said all the same stuff he said in October when he left, 'it's not you, it's me, I have to do this for me, I don't want to hurt you anymore, etc'.  I told him we can fight this together and that treating BPD is a trial and error process, that it can take years to find the meds/combo.  He thinks leaving/running away is his only option.  What do I do????  He is 43 and we have been together 13 years.  Please help. .


UPDATE: So he moved out Wednesday.  He seemed giddy.  Yesterday, even his text messages sounded happier.  He hasn't been able to say 'I love you' for the last couple of weeks, said he had to clean the gunk off and get a handle on his illness. But yesterday he called and said it three times.  He also asked how to save money and that he wants to be 'friends'.  Don't get me wrong, I want him to be happy, I am just trying to understand what's going on.  This is all the same stuff he said in October.  So it leads me think - 1. he didn't need to leave to process his illness, he just wanted to leave because he is unhappy in our marriage.  2. he wants to save money so he can file for divorce....again.  3. No matter what he wants to be friends.

Is this how he really feels or is this another episode?  I am trying to be strong and I tell him I love him and will be there for him but now I can't help but wonder.

Thank you so much for any advice.

[outpatient]

How come they don't know it's their illness?  Why do they leave?  I don't mean to offend anyone, I don't, but some insight here would be greatly appreciated. If you have been diagnosed with BPD and are on medication, how come when you start acting abnormal or if a spouse tells you that something is off, you don't take stock of your meds and talk to your doctor first instead of leaving?  Again I don't mean to offend, I am just trying to understand.

[chucksboy]

No need to read your mind they are my thoughts to lol.one more thing i forgot to mention although it might not help to ease the emotions it gave me some understanding as to why she wasnt calling or trying to get back together after a certain period of time ie i would be thinking if she loved n cared for us if she missed us she would try somehow,however it turned out we wernt even in her thoughts to enable her to contact us,the illness had taken over n it was all she could do to get by on her own so if one thing i learnt is we can sit home worrying questioning what theyre thinking n we really got no clue.take care.

[outpatient]

Thank you so much.  You read my mind, all those emotions we go through. Then I think about all the emotions he is going through and I remember he didn't ask for this and he is just trying to make sense of things too, especially this being so new.  I'm here to stay.  Thanks again

[chucksboy]

It is so sad isnt it? At this moment in time i would still say hold strong its still early days and can take a while for meds to work hopfully with your love and commitment and him doing his best to fight this illness you can save your relationship although as you rightly said it will be a different dynamic..while he is away maybe try n get yourself some help with the issues that have developed this will help deal with the bp if you stay together and if not youll be in a better place mentally to move on.we are walking a similar path and it hurts like hell the anger resentment,the confusion being sad missing them worrying about them your dreams n plans ,what you could do different the lonliness,are they seeing somone else ,should you be doing more or let them be the guilt etc etc i totally understand.there is no right or wrong take each day as it comes..n in regards to contact he knows your there for him in my exp the more you push the harder they run ie being told to leave them alone find somone else to like me now theres no contact..its not easy n if you need to ask questions or want other peoples view you know where we are.

[outpatient]

Thank you.  As far as the insecurity and trust, I already have those (when he left the first time).  So now, even though I am trying to give him space, I am clingy at times.  This upsets me since I've never been clingy and he mentioned how it's putting him off.  I am trying so hard, been to so many websites, forums, and he said he is going to schedule counseling for us.  I just talked to him (because I called cuz I saw another cell company number on our bill.  In Oct he got another phone and didn't tell me.  So when I saw the number I freaked, and called him).  He said he was just trying to get money back from the old phone, doesn't have another phone, is not thinking of divorce, just needs to get his head straight.  I felt like such an idiot for calling him.  I'm trying to leave it up to him when to talk, but it is soooo hard.  I love and miss him so much.  I apologized for being clingy and freaking out.  He said he understands as he is very vague when we talk.  He said that's because he just doesn't know.  But he reitterated that he is not thinking of divorce, wanted to know about saving money so he can have some extra cash. His Dr is going to up his Seroquel.  I can't wait for counseling.  I know our life will be different than we imagined but I still want to do it.  

BTW - I read your post.  I can relate and some of the comments were helpful.  Thanks again.

[chucksboy]

Sorry pressed post this helped with the voices and paranoia but shortly after this treatment started she left again and i havent seen her since xmas,she did send a letter yesterday to say she missed us and she sent a few quid for the kids for easter thats it in over 3months i hope you dont have to go down this road its caused me insecurity and trust issues the worry confusion anger sometimes at the lack of emotion but remember its an illness that can be treated a little to late for me i fink but everyone is different my advice to you would be let him know your there and you are trying to understand give him space and look after yourself.but be prepared for a lifelong struggle bp can only be managed and theres so many variables to treatment.i dont regret trying to help regardless of the outcome and sometimes trying to find logic in somthing illogical will only hurt you.ive lost track now lol and got to cook the kids food all the best and good luck.

[chucksboy]

Hello i just wrote a reply but forgot my log in details so il try again lol..first off i know exactly what you are going through i posed a very similar question under the title why? Back in january/feb everyone who responded was welcoming non judgemental and offered some valuable insight to the dilema you now face.if you like you can read my post and the advice given.as loving partners we want to be there for our loved ones afterall its not their fault and i dont think we can come close to understanding how it feels to have bipolar what it has done to my wife is horrific.however it can over time take its toll on the partners this constant cycle of wanting to be with you to isolateing herself from me/us from what ive learnt finding the right meds can be very challenging,my wife is resistant to a lot of the ones she tried and on her 3rd stint in hospital they put her on i think its call clozaril/clozapine