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What to do??

I am 29 years old and was diagnosed as being bipolar in my teens. That occured when my Mom was just finding out about the sexual abuse I was getting from my Father and so I never dealt with it. I've just lived with it.  I had completely put it out of my mind, but recently started sleeping with my boss.  I have since quit that job, which broke my heart because I loved it, and am terrified that I will just repeat the same behavior at a new job.  I've always been sexually promiscuous.  It's not like I seek it out, it's like I freeze up and can never just say "NO".  Sometimes it feels like the words are just stuck in my throat and I can't get them out.  My neighbor is bi-polar and she has encouraged me to get help, but at the same time she is trying to get me to go to the bars and have threesomes with her and her husband.  I feel completely lost and disgusting, I hate even looking at myself in the mirror.  I just feel like if people knew the real me that's lurking just below the surface, they would stay the hell away from me. I just always feel so lonely and guilty all the time that the "manic" periods are like a blessing. For a brief time I actually like myself and I feel like I can take on the world. Then the voices kick in, not like other people's voices that I hear in my head, it's more like my own, Just constantly spewing criticism and telling me what a piece of crap I am. I'm so lost. I came across this board today, maybe it will help to know that I'm not the only one. Please help me.
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Avatar universal
I'm so afraid to go to therapy or go on medication. What if they strip away the things that are just from the bipolar and there is nothing left of me? What if my husband had these qualities that he fell in love with, and then I'm stripped away to nothing?
I thought that I was doing okay on my own, I thought I could handle it. Then I lost a baby girl at seven months into my pregnancy, which no matter how many times I hear it I know it was my fault. I went camping that weekend, I was being careless. She died on Memorial day and I then had to go in and deliver her. I've never been able to come back from that. I was put on celexa for my depression and I did feel happier, but I also felt manic. I don't think that things hurt any less, the meds just pushed me into a place where I was able to ignore everything. This is the only time I have ever spoken about all of this and it's kind of therapeutic to be able to write it all down. Thank you for all of your responses, I've just been sitting here crying while reading them. It's nice to not be so alone.
Helpful - 0
1307086 tn?1285143616
My friend, you were unable to say "no" at that age because he was your FATHER. Because fathers are our protectors, our great rock. You were unable to say no because in your youthful mind you just didn't know any better. This was the man who was supposed to adore you and protect you... not sleep with you. You cannot look backwards now and even try to impose any of the reasoning you have today. The first time my grandfather knocked me down, why didn't I act in my defense? Why didn't I tell my parents? Because I didn't know any better... I was a child. But I know how hard it is to excuse that child. Once during therapy I was asked what I would do if I saw that little boy (me) today. I said I would have slapped him and told him to speak up. Slapped him? How f-d up is that? OK I know better now. You have to love that poor child whose innocence was stolen. From what you've said your dad wasn't just doing this to you but was a full blown pediphile. Think of all the other women today who were affected by him. Would you suggest to them that they were at fault? Of course you wouldn't. So try to be as kind to yourself. After what he did to you, you deserve some self-compassion
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Avatar universal
TwosidedCoin - your mother would have found out anyway later on what your dad is really like.
I think it is a good thing because she heard it from you and didn't have to find out another way.
Things happened as they did. All you can do now is love and support each other.
She loves you.
She doesn't love you any less because of your 'fathers' actions.

Be easier on yourself TSC. Everything bad that happens is not your fault.
But yes, remember that the people who are trying to get into your pants, are usually selfish assholes.
It's not a compliment to you if they are interested in sex. How dare they assume in the first place.
be your best friend, your best friend wouldn't let you go through those things...why do you allow yourself to be used?
Love yourself first.
Look inside for the real you, figure out once and for all if you like the taste of broccoli - or only eat it because it's healthy??

How do you like your eggs? (I only decided the other day...and I HATE  broccoli,,, and brussel sprouts)
See what I'm getting at? get approval from yourself, and you will be happy.

You can fix the way you see yourself by: each time you say "NO, and not in future either" . then you will learn to see the OLD you vs. the NEW you.

But if you continue what you are doing- your bad feelings won't change..
take your meds too.
All the best of luck to you TSC, pls let me know if you need to have a chat, etc

Lots of love

Paraniod - I'm so sorry about what happened to you.
You seem like such a nice person. Life can be so unfair sometimes.
You seem like you've come a long way - well done!
Keep swimming! (finding nemo)
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I read something today about how people with Bipolar can have this magnetism and vulnerability that people can spot and easily pray on. So now my thinking is, did I attract my father? Did I do something that made him think that I wanted it? Why was I still unable to say "NO" even at that age? I can remember being around my mom and just feeling so guilty for being the "other woman."  I've spent all these years trying to take care of her and make up for it. She still lives with us now, with my husband and kids. She seems to be completely unable to take care of herself and I've always blamed myself for putting her in that position. If not for me, she would still be happy and blissfully ignorant.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I was abused sexually and tortured on multiple occasions and poisoned by the same guy when I was about 4 or 5 years old and abused severely inadvertently in a sexual way when I was 9 or 10 and it really messed me up in the head so don't be so hard on yourself, it wasn't your fault and you're going to have really difficult times.  I've heard stuff like that can cause things like you being unable to say no when the time comes, I don't know how true this is but you just have to work on it and figure out how to say no.  I think the lack of being able to be assertive has something to do with how well your self esteem is.
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Avatar universal
My abuse was sexual from the ages of 7-15. I finally told my mom about it after getting arrested for shoplifting. i kind of blew up at that point.  When she confronted him, he said that I was just mistaking his actions towards me and that I had "serious issues" and needed some "help". It was at that point that I began to question everything, thinking that maybe I just was really crazy and that I had gotten it all wrong. My mom eventually left him after finding out that he had a post office box under a fake name and was using it to receive letters from young (middle school age) girls and had been having affairs since the beginning of their marriage.
I think it was at that point in my life that I just started running. I ran away from everything and everyone.  When I turned 18 I took off one day while my mom was at a dr's appt and moved several states away with a man I barely knew.  When I finally made it back home I was pregnant. I think my daughter honestly saved my life because she forced me to slow down and think things through a little bit more.
I look back on all these decisions that I've made that most people would view as nuts, but I guess to me it all seemed perfectly rational. One friend put it best when he told me I was always "living in the moment." Moments are all I have when it's so hard to see yourself being any different in the future. I have a wonderful husband, who was the only person I ever met that refused to sleep with me right away. I rely on him to be my strength, but you can only hurt someone so many times....
Helpful - 0
1307086 tn?1285143616
I was abused by my grandfather (not sexually but violent physically) between the ages of 3 to 5. Though your experience is markedly different than mine, there is a bottom line. You were an innocent child that was mistreated horribly from a figure that should have been your protector. It becomes confusing because this is a person that you are wired to love and when they treat you badly, your young mind cannot comprehend the disconnect. This can (and usually does) create physic scars that you may have to deal with over your lifetime (although some tell me that it doesn't have to impact you that long - I don't know about that). I am not bi-polar but a major depressive and several things you wrote ring so true with me. The hate while looking at a mirror. (For me, sometimes I think that is because I am angry that I didn't do anything while being abused - as if I was the guilty one... a totally wrongheaded thought... but one that comes up none the less). Then there is the constant self criticism telling me what a worthless piece of crap I am. In my case sometimes that is the voice of my grandfather, but mostly it is me. I have to constantly catch those thoughts and argue with them that they are not valid. I use cognitive behavioral therapy techniques and sometimes that works... but I have to really really work hard at it.
I don't know if you are in therapy, but you should consider it highly. These are issues that are too great to just deal with on your own (or with a neighbor that has alterior motives - please try to consider refraining from turning to her - she doesn't sound like a friend you can trust).
Whatever you choose, at least know that you are not alone. We are out here... your sisters and brothers who struggle with these same issues (or things similar). Be strong and yet don't be afraid to lean on people... like those here.
Blessed be.
Helpful - 0
1280188 tn?1313078463
I'm very sorry for your experience in your teens and I'm disappointed, to put it mildly, in your father. You are still a valuable, loved daughter. It sounds like you have some good qualities and some that are less than stellar. You can't do wrong and feel right. This is a big issue if you cannot say no when you want to. You will continue to feel bad until you are healed, but you can be healed of this pain.
You have already recognized at least some of the sources of pain. Now talk with someone other than your neighbor, someone who really can help you heal, someone is isn't trying to get you in the sack. Someone who cares about you will help you restore your dignity and sense of worth, will teach you how to keep your freedom to choose for yourself, help you say "no and don't ask again."
-peace
Helpful - 0
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