Will stupid gambling go away once I'm regulated?

[pjwg]

Just in the last year, I have gone from a person who cringed at wasting $20 in a slot machine to someone who will dump $100 into a lottery machine, (even if I'm lucky enough to win some) lose it, and then head to the bank machine once or twice more before I realize the damage I've done and then dive into a major "I hate myself; I'm such a loser" depression.  With all the medical bills I have had this year, I can ill-afford it.  I can intellectually know how stupid it is, even try to talk myself out of going to play, but still I end up sitting in front of a machine on days that (I assume) I am hypomanic.  I have found that, on days I feel good and actually care enough to dress up a little, maybe even (OMG) put on mascara, I am heading for major trouble, heading for shopping, gambling, then a crash into hate for myself which knows no bounds.

I've only been on medication two weeks, and so nothing is under control yet.  What I'm wondering, from the experienced BPers out there, is if the absolutely out-of-character gambling is something that will eventually come under control once the medication kicks in.  Can I just concentrate on one thing at a time here and try to get the hypomania under control before worrying about whether I have a real gambling problem or whether it's just one more lovely side effect of this BP roller coaster I'm on?  I think maybe I shouldn't put it off since I am driving myself to serious financial troubles, but I am dealing with so much right now, all of it totally overwhelming, that I'd like to hope that maybe this is something that will gradually ease up once I get the right med combination and whatever therapy is going to come with it.

I so want to quit hating myself!!

Thank you!

Peggy

[LeftCoastChick]

* aaaaaaaawe* blushing madly here, thank you Peggy, anytime.   It feels so good to have someone whom I can relate with as well, there are so many diff. aspects to this dispicable disorder. I think talk therapy will really help, but don't expect a instant fix, it takes time, and your vigilance.  I now leave my bankcard at home most of the time, and have a set amount in my wallet. I have a budget (grumbles) and it's not easy, but doing that compared to the stress of the after affects of binging are far better.  I have to do the  want/need every time I pick someone up, lordie it's annoying, but good at retraining my brain.

I know there are days where you just want to throw up you hands and say feck it, but keep trudging along!
All the best, Jane

[pjwg]

Thank you, Jane!  You're always so good about answering my posts!!  I'm also a rapid cycler, just diagnosed, also on Seroquel (along with Lamictal), so hearing how you are dealing with very similar issues is SO helpful to me!  I have looked for support groups in my area and haven't found any, but I'm going to start the talking part of therapy once I get somewhat stabilized on the meds, and I'm very much looking forward to learning how to deal with the negative self-critic in me.  So much of my "habits" have been around for years, and I never knew they had to do with an actual illness, just thought it was the way I was :-), but the gambling is a new one, along with the major depression/thoughts of suicide, etc. so it's a whopping lot to deal with, along with trying to continue to work while adjusting to meds.  Thank God my employer is understanding, but I know her patience will only last so long, and all of it puts so much pressure on me that I'm afraid I'll just explode some days.  Sorry for the rambling (also a habit of mine for years)!  The point being, without people like you online, willing to listen and help, my days would be even harder, so thank you ALL, but especially you, Jane, since you have been so kind to have given me a response every single time I have posted with a question!

Peggy

[LeftCoastChick]

I went on a binge and blew 200 doing online gambling and I couldn't stop, holy cow!! I realized what I did and immediately curtailed it, it was really hard though, I still have urges, meds will help with the compulsion but you really have to stop the behaviour yourself, meds may not fix it all.  I also realized I had a shopping addiction, and that's been much worse. I keep all my receipts and will return items if I feel they really aren't necessary.That compulsion I've done for years. I'm on Seroqual and that's helped a lot with the mania and the spending. I really budget myself now, but I have no choice, I'm on short term  disability and making less money.  Have you thought about going to a support group to deal with negative self talk? I started one about 6 weeks ago and it really has helped with repeated negativity, it's been a godsend.
Keep in touch, and take each day at a time, Jane