Hi, I'm 24 I have been diagnosed as having bipolar depression, severe anxiety and OCD. I'm taking 100mg of Zoloft (for about 8 years now) It was recently up to 200mg, but my Dr was going to change it but while weaning off them I got so depressed and started having suicidal thoughts and there was a episode where I started cutting again. I'm going to speak to him to see if I should go back up to 200mg because I 'm still not coping that well. I also take 5mg of Zyprexa daily.
I feel there is something else wrong though. I suffer from fits of anger- I mean I just lose it over nothing. (I was never an angry person, even at the start of my illness) It's a psycho rage attack, screaming, verbally abusing people - never physical(I've never used physical violence on anyone except myself)
I'm worthless. I don't want to be around anyone. I feel that they judge me on my appearance and that they know that I have to wear a wig because of my trichotillomania. I'm terrified to be in public places and have on numerous occasions suffered from panic attacks. (I have xanax only for when I have an attack. I feel like such a burden to society. Every day I'm angry- so so irritable. I'm either feeling numb inside-not caring about anything, overly sensitive-crying at everything or angry at everything.
Do I have something other than depression? What's wrong with me? All i want to do is sleep. My sleep patterns are weird, I sleep at least 11- I5 hours every day. I have no friends, just my mum and she's sick of me. I don't want to be so mean, but it just explodes out of me. She blames me, and says I don't want help. She doesn't realize the thought of people out there is worse than the thought of growing old and dying alone. And let's face it why would anyone want to be around me. The fear of rejection is to much.
I'm not sure if the Zyprexa is doing anything for me. I feel such confidence and trust in my Dr, I'm scared if I tell him all I feel, he'll turn me away, like my psychologist did, when during a bad manic episode he ignored my calls for help, got the receptionist to do it too. I mean I was suicidal, had sliced up my arms severely and nearly overdosed. The next time I had a appointment he said it was our last and that was that. I find it hard to trust people and I couldn't handle it if it happened again. So I'll only talk to my GP now.
Also I fear doing things because the thought of doing evokes such fear that I seem to avoid pretty much everything. Thank you for any help you can give