bipolar and confusion

[nhr]

I need some kind of help- I have been diagnosed with bipolar 2 about 2 years ago, before that they thought that its just been major depression which I've had since i was around 11.I've taken meds off and on. I also suffer from anxiety and what feels like panic and anger problems. I've also lived with an eating disorder for about 6 years and problems with self harm and alcoholism.I am 21. In the past I've had  2 therapists as well as a few boyfriends who knew me intimately ask me about past sexual abuse and all I can say is no, however I always feel as though I need to think about it, like I can't just say no right away and be sure. The big problem is that I have very little memory of many parts of my childhood up until the very end of elementary school. Once we moved homes and i started 7th grade, my depression really began.Also it just doesn't fit from what my family has said or make sense. My brother even recently began working with a girl who knew me when i was much younger and who wanted to talk to me again. She said that we used to be in the same class, spent all this time together-were great friends- and I never want to see her because I barely have 2 very short and faint memories of her and of that time and nothing else. Recently i talked with a friend suffering from many similar but also different mental probs. and i guess from talking to him about my bipolar and such and the vibe he got from me he asked if i'd been abused and of course i said no. For some reason, maybe because yet another person asked me or maybe because he was so upfront about his own problems, my mind has been thinking about it so much. I've always been so meek and shy around people, even relatives, ive been very emotionally numb, etc. Now recently I find myself walking around as though someones going to jump out and scare me any moment, or hit me. I get startled so easy its stupid, i've watched a person walking up to me and once they talked i jumped. Talking or seeing certain things make me get very agitated- i have problems at night where at times ill panic and feel as though my feet will be grabbed or people will come and grab me or someones standing near me- luckily most times ive been with another person- but ive gotten to the point of hysterical where i know its not rational but im still hysterical. Recently ive been getting more and more nervous just to meet people, i have no friends except for my bf's friends and my sister and her husband- i can't get a job due to increasing anxiety and so i cant have a life.  My anxiety is getting worse and i am panicking more and i feel like im becoming more and more crippled inside. I do feel now as though i am being haunted. I feel like all these years of ignoring my life and problems have piled up and are popping up when i dont want them to. Im having more anxiety at night especially- i get so scared if i feel like my bf will fall asleep before me, leaving me alone that i just cry and cry, and im 21! I feel like if i can maybe recognize better what's wrong with me, i'd feel less burdened, ashamed, nervous and less than other people. I want to feel relieved and in control,make friends and be happy. Im tired of being so trapped ,guilty and isolated and unsure if im this evil liar or attention seeker or schizophrenic or something.Like i feel like what if i convinced myself to be like this somehow? I've lived with shame all my life. I feel so burdened i just want to drink all the time to calm my nerves and not think. I feel so over whelmed and i fear i'll lose my life to drugs, alcohol, anxiety and depression. I am no longer functioning. I cant afford a counselor right now nor do i have ins. My mother will pay for me to see a doctor about different medication as i am not on any right now but the meds dont help the source of the problem. I am so confused and obviously untrusting of my own thoughts and memories. i feel like ive bs'd myself for so long that i ruined it for myself and have become totally lost as to why i am like this. I know all of these problems dont just start from bipolar disorder- although if they do please let me know. I need advice, opinions or would love to hear from anyone with similar problems. I am just lost and trying to reach out

[Kamey]

Deat nhr,
Dont loose hope.  While reading your post, it was if I had written it myself. No memeories of my youth, etc. etc. Virtually EVERYTHING you decsribed.  That feeling in the pit of your stomach when asked if you were abused.  When you say NO you are not really sure if that is the right answer allthough you have no memory of abuse.  I never read or write to these sights, I was actually looking for something else and your post popped up.  Strange, but I do not believe in coincidence, so I felt compelled to respond.  I understand first hand how difficult, confusing and distressful life may seem to you now.  Fortuanately,  your diagnosis was made while you are still young.  I am 52 and was not diagnosed properly until I was 48.  When I was younger my parents did not believe in mental illness, I just needed to pull myself together.  It was not until my late 20's that I sought help myself and that was a challenge itself.  All Dr.'s and therapist are not the same.  I began to believe some were truly in the wrong profession.  By no means is this an easy process, It took quite sometime before the right combination of medication and the right therapist were found.  I still have panic attacks, I always described them as if I was about to see a car accident and there was nothing I could do to stop it.  I preferred to call them terror attacks, panic was not close to describing it.  My first reccomendation is to STOP the alchohol, i have not had a drink in 15years, it is a depressant, the last thing you need.  I had also become a recluse, lost my job, all of what you have described.  Keep your Dr.s and therapy appointments until you find the ones that are a right fit for you.  I still have ups and downs but the downs are not as low and do not last as long.  Make yourself visit at least your sister, anything to get up, get dressed and out of the house.  Take your medicine as directed, most take a while to build up in system before you feel better.  Don't misunderstand me, I am still no Mary Poppins, but SO MUCH better than I have been for my entire life,  There are happy days awaiting you, we just have to work  harder than most to find them.  I will be praying for you, a little help from the guy upstairs can never hurt.  I am hopeful you will post again as you find there is a much needed place for you in this world and that joy finds you around each corner.  Best of luck to you-

[DLA]

Welcome aboard.

The first thing you need to do is stop drinking.  Alcohol and drugs are the worst thing in the world for bipolars b/c it makes all of our depression, panic, and anxiety a million times worse.

The second thing you need to do is get to a psychiatrist or therapist as soon as you possibly can.  In most states now they have free mental health care for ppl who can't afford it.  Call a help line in CA or contact a local health dept and they should be able to direct you in the right direction or even set it up for you.

Sounds as if regression therapy might be in order, but I'm not very trusting of this.  Never had it done even though I've considered it, b/c I too have a lot of my childhood missing in memory.  But I've seen it done so many times on TV where they are leading the pt in the direction they want them to go and make them remember things that didn't really happen.  

But possibly if you got on the right meds and stayed on them--this is paramount to your being a well person--you might be surprised at how much you don't really care what happened back then or you might remember some of it and it won't be anything bad.  I did that when I finally got on meds.

I have a lot of the night time panic attacks like you are talking about when my meds start to not work or when I need a higher dose.  But if you are a heavy drinker or alcoholic that can bring it on the anxiety all the time.  Been there, done that.

There really is something wrong with you, don't ever doubt that and you do need help right away.  Remember that you deserve only the best of everything and don't settle for any less.  

Bipolar disorder causes a lot of self-worth problems and the public only reinforces them.  It is a disease like diabetes.  If you were diabetic would you take your meds and do what you are suppose to, or would you do whatever you wanted and take the chance of losing a leg as you become blind?  Same difference.  The bipolar can destroy you if you don't take your meds and be really good to yourself so you can get well.

Good luck to you and know you aren't alone.  There are a lot of us out here and there are a lot of success stories like me.  :-)