I sent you a message.....
Is there anyone you can reach out to as a professional. A psychiatrist, social worker, therapist. Keeping it all inside will be harmful. If there are no people like this grab a book and start writing. Get all that crap that is inside outside.
You have to help save yourself. Somewhere in there you have to feel the fight to keep going. You are writing on here which tells me a lot. It tells me you still have fight within you. That you want to get better. That you are working on getting better. Just try and make one appointment. That is a key in all of this and you know that.
It is really hard for me to admit when I need help. It feels like failure. I will sometimes avoid making those connections because I don't want them to think worse of me. My ego gets in the way too and I feel like I should be able to make it all better myself. Then I really start to give myself crap. I tell myself all sorts of horrible things about how I am weak, or a bad person. That things will never get better so why bother trying. In short I lie to myself. Things do get better, I won't always feel that way, and I am worth getting help. Part of it is needing to realise that right now what feels like truth is actually lies. Lies that this disorder puts in our heads and our hearts. Fight the lies.
And there are suicide help lines you can call if you get into trouble. I don't live in the US so I don't know the ones there but I think if you google them you will find them.
It will get better. It always does. This is a cycle and you will cycle out of it in time. So hang in there.