Bipolar Disorder Community
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1306348 tn?1314473283

i feel way to confused

i recently went on holiday with two friends one who knew of my condition and what i was struggling with you know my best friend and then just a friend that ive known for a few years. two weeks in turkey with friends first holiday without parents i thought it was gunna be amazing i was super excited i needed a break from everything but what i thought would be bliss turned out to be a nightmare!

i felt 100% alone for most of the holiday they ditched me in a turkish club they ditched me for lunch they did whatever they wanted and if i wanted to do something it wouldve been on my own if they didnt fancy it. my best friend grace* knew all about bipolar although she forgot on occassion witch i loved it made me feel normal but i got stuck in depression with no one there to build me back up i got lower and lower to points where i wanted hurt myself just to escape the loneliness i dont understand how my best friend left me to get to that stage i should really have to say i need help all the time or do i?

i cried, i wanted to punch walls, i almost got run over after being ditched in a club on my own drunk, my friend stopped talking to me for a reason ive yet to find out they talked about me behind my back im sure my best friend didnt ask me once if i was okay but so tentative to our friend. im struggling to even be friends with my friends at the moment and just thought they could be trusted and now its like they let me down and i let myself down i feel bad all the time and now at this moment ive reached an epic low! i cut myself...im crying...i feel like im never going to be happy ever i cant seem to call italk to set up appointments i tried to talk to my mum and she turned the pitty party round on herself i just dont know what im supposed to do when i have no one to turn to! im looking to online strangers for help im trying to stop drinking because it doesnt mix well with bipolar i need to find a job and pass my driving test and find out what the hell im supposed to do for the rest of my life while deciding on weather i should take medication therapy or wing it!!! somebody SAVE ME!
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1551327 tn?1514045867
I sent you a message.....
Avatar universal
Is there anyone you can reach out to as a professional. A psychiatrist, social worker, therapist. Keeping it all inside will be harmful. If there are no people like this grab a book and start writing. Get all that crap that is inside outside.

You have to help save yourself. Somewhere in there you have to feel the fight to keep going. You are writing on here which tells me a lot. It tells me you still have fight within you. That you want to get better. That you are working on getting better. Just try and make one appointment. That is a key in all of this and you know that.

It is really hard for me to admit when I need help. It feels like failure. I will sometimes avoid making those connections because I don't want them to think worse of me. My ego gets in the way too and I feel like I should be able to make it all better myself. Then I really start to give myself crap. I tell myself all sorts of horrible things about how I am weak, or a bad person. That things will never get better so why bother trying. In short I lie to myself. Things do get better, I won't always feel that way, and I am worth getting help. Part of it is needing to realise that right now what feels like truth is actually lies. Lies that this disorder puts in our heads and our hearts. Fight the lies.

And there are suicide help lines you can call if you get into trouble. I don't live in the US so I don't know the ones there but I think if you google them you will find them.

It will get better. It always does. This is a cycle and you will cycle out of it in time. So hang in there.
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