too many mistakes

[Xila31]

So I am 100% anxiety right now.

Last week I was written up at work for making too many mistakes with the schedule. I explained I was having a very hard week, which I've been having a hard month. I remember making these exact same mistakes last year at this time. I have been having racing thoughts and struggling with concentration for weeks. It is embarrassing to talk about with my supervisor who is so organized. Anyway, in the right up it says Immediate and Sustained Improvement or discipline up to termination will be enforced. My supervisors boss told me no matter what else is happening to me, I have to be focused at work.

That was Wednesday. I also was getting a bad cold, woke up Friday with a low fever, so I called in sick. I changed the office voice mail to say I was out sick, and we'd be closed Labor Day. Then I mis-spoke the date of Tuesday as the 8th, didn't say Tuesday (which I thought I only said Tuesday,) as the day we're reopening. I didn't check my work, something I'm really bad about. :( I didn't realize what I had done and went back to bed. I didn't think about it all day after.

This morning I had anxiety thinking I'd done something wrong. It woke me right up, so I called and heard myself say "We will return Sept 8." Oh no... So I listened to all the saved messages and one in particular was a send-back from my supervisor from a lady trying to circumvent me and have her schedule  the appointment since she didn't want to wait until Wednesday.

Now I am sitting here wondering if Tuesday I will be fired, terrified. What do I do? I called the woman and apologized for my error but my supervisor will probably never know that, or believe me if I tell her. :( What do I do. :(

[Xila31]

p.s. I did correct the message as well, but it doesn't fix yesterday. :(

[BP2PROFESSIONAL]

Hey Xila, first and foremost "try not to think" may sound silly but whenever I get really anxious the first thing you have to do is try not to think too much.  Very hard to do I know but try if you can.  Also get back to what you know from what you have learned from the past at times when you were up an anxious to help gain control.  

From what you have written I get the feeling your employer may not know that you are Bipolar, if this is the case, maybe this is a good time to let them know.  If it sounds like you might lose your job then you have nothing to lose letting them know and even if it doesn't work at least you have had a chance at practising it with an employer.

As really it sounds like what is happening to you is a natural reaction of being bipolar, you are heading in to a level of high anxiety getting racing thoughts and because of the racing thoughts are having a hard time concentrating on the things at hand as while you are trying to concentrate on something several ideas are coming into your head, some of them are good too, some funny but all distracting. They are a natural process of you, that you at best can only manage but attention to detail will fall during these times no matter how hard you try.  They should be thankful for they way you are doing your best at the moment for me sometimes the racing thoughts make it difficult for me to write a sentence as by the time I write a sentence 15 thoughts have flown into my head.  

For me this is one of the reasons I have actually put together a Bipolar toolkit for me to give to a manager if I completely fall of the rails as at those times I may not even be able to communicate at all.  If you like I'm happy to send you through a copy of it if you want.  I'd have to email it though.  That being said with the right planning I have put together safety nets to help manage those times and reduce the risks and I'm a financial planner, I look after people life's savings.  How do I do it, well I try to stick to the process of financial planning as best I can, I get other advisers to check my plans though before I present them to clients and I get all investment decisions made by the company specialist.  I also have mentors both in and out of the business that I can call at any time to ask them advice on what I should do at certain times.

Practically get some checklists going, and get back to the process of the job you do.
If you do speak to your boss about being bipolar the best advice you can give them for when you are at times right now is to bring you back to the original process and to give you a list of things you can do a check off as you go.  

When you get in the morning make sure you write a list of jobs you need doing, speak to your boss about which ones are the most important and prioritise them.

I'd also look at doing some exercise in the morning before work if you can to help burn of the energy and reduce the anxiety, for me swimming works the best, up or down it helps centre me.  If you are like me and can't get up in the morning to save yourself, then try to go for a swim at night.  The reason I say this is I read in a book once that exercising in the morning can really help reduce anxiety levels in bipolar people and help them get through the day.  Hey it's the reason why at Primary School they let kids run around and play early on in the day.

Finally though reading what you had written about the messages I think there you are making a mountain out of a molehill.  Sounds like a simple enough mistake and nothing you should worry about especially seeing you quickly fixed it once you knew, thats all anyone can ask.  Getting fired, don't worry about that either, if it happens it happens you'll find another job. You're a great person, hey you're a rockstar!

Good Luck Xila and let me know how you go.  If it does get difficult to let your boss know about being bipolar, maybe a starting point for the conversation could be to give them a copy of this post.  Might be a bit of a wildcard but worth a shot as all you'll be doing is being honest.

All the best :0)

[Xila31]

Thanks for the tips. I have been trying to exercise. I hope you're right that I won't be fired.

The thing with my job is as a receptionist there is often multiple things at once. In the middle of scheduling, the phone rings a 2nd time. A patient walks in, my supervisor is asking me a question, etc. Suddenly I forgot what I was doing.

Also they all know I have bipolar. I ended up having to tell them last year for this exact problem, and when my lithium was working for the 2 weeks in January, I was told to stay that way. Sadly, it stopped working for me even when I changed dose. Ironically, I work in health care....

[BP2PROFESSIONAL]

Hmmm maybe look at getting a scribe pen to see if that helps, its a pen that will record what you were saying as you write things, then if you get stuck you can simply point to the picture or thing you are writing and it will play it back to help you remember.

Otherwise just keep working on getting back to basics, even though there are multiple things at once you can only do one thing at a time.

Just prioritise as best you can and keep getting back to basics, whats the process for each thing.  Try to jot notes regularly.

If you have mentioned you are Bipolar, then now might be a good time to mention some of the things you are doing to help get yourself back on track.  If anything it should at least buy you some time until you have at least come back down to earth a little.  

Try to work on your process for when you are manic, for me first thing is to let my support group know, check in with my psychologist and psychiatrist.  See if they have any ideas.

It may also be being triggered from the time of year as well, so reduce your sunlight intake if you can.  Maybe even wear sun glasses when you are out and about.

[Xila31]

yes, summer is a bad time for me, it would seem. i've noticed this before.

[BP2PROFESSIONAL]

Look at getting a vitamin D test, I've got a Vitamin D deficiency at the moment, and it's cold and dark.