I joined this website today out of desperation. I will be turning 25 in a month, and I want to gain healthy control of my life. I want to learn how to get my butt out of bed and be productive for a change. I was just recently hired for a wonderful job position that will satisfy my soul, not just my debt pay off. So I want to start living for a change. I also have an incredible person in my life, who is an even more incredible support. His patience with my intrusive thoughts, and 'temper tantrums' for a lack of better words, has been inspiring, and a first. I want to put as much effort into this as he has. I just started meds to stabilize my moods, and help with the depression. Now, because of a lack of guidance, I am asking for help with motivation, goal setting and mostly, follow through.
Now that I have asked for what I need. I think it's a good idea to give a quick background to help with understanding. This upcoming week marks the 10th anniversary of me being removed from my home by social services. I was 14 when I removed, I was 9 when the physical abuse started. I was 6 when I truly lost my self esteem. I was 5 when it was encouraged by my GP to be removed from my mother's custody. I was 3 when the sexual abuse started. Somewhere in all this I developed an Eating Disorder, Anorexia. I have been told by some highly credited therapists through an IP program I was in, to cut off all ties with my family to help me. I always wanted this, so their reinforcement helped me. I haven't spoken to my family in almost a year. I have also legally changed my name to help me create my new separate self, which has been wonderful.
I have moments of clarity, though they don't last long, and usually occur in the aftermath of one of my self destructing war paths. Which I need to manage better so I can grow old with the love of my life. It leads me feeling embarrassed, but can increase my motivation and productivity. When this occurs, I give over 110%, I;m full of steam and passion and I actually feel accomplished. I love it. But then a set back occurs. This could be a simple passing comment that I take the wrong way, or another set back with my health. Whatever the cause, it throws me off the wagon and leaves me in the dust. Then I spiral down and it takes months, sometimes years to get out of this state. I can't keep wasting my life away in a bed all day long.
Where I live, has extremely limited support programs. I am waiting now to get into one of the only programs we have, but sadly my increased anxiety has made that challenging to move forward with.
I just want to live. And be happy. I know I may never reach 100%, but anything is better than 0%.
Thank you so much for your time, and consideration.