Borderline Personality Disorder Community
1.45k Members
Avatar universal

BPD couple?

I spent more then a year in the relationship with a man in his forties, and i came to the conclusion we may both have bpd.

I had some issues with my father: despite his physical presence, he was emotionally detached and judgemental, and I never really manage to build real emotional ties with him. Before meeting this man, I did have some complicated relationships, but nothing that would categorize me as a borderline. From the outside, I am bright and sociable, with lots of social connections... but, inside, I often feel empty and insecure.

He has a history of unresolved problems, broken marriages and relationships, low self-esteem and a tendency not to solve the problems when they arise, but to simply run away. His has no real friends, but rather acquaintances he sees once in a while. While most of the time he claims to be content with the situation, during the weekends and holidays he tends to fall into crises, feeling inadequate and left alone. Often, there are some episodes of inexplicable rage, during which he becomes very mean to the strangers. Some time ago, after a quarrel, he took a car and caused minor car accident purposely.

Soon after meeting, we fell head over heels for each other. During the "honeymoon faze", we often discussed our future together, choose the names for our soon-to-be-born kids, spending days and nights planning, cuddling, and having the greatest sex.

From time to time, when feeling that that euphoria could fade away, I would provoke meaningless fights, just to rise the tension. He was trying to explain that it was hurting him badly, but I was crossing all the boundaries, believing that he should be able to fall back into my arms, forgetting useless fight, as I was able to do so myself.

After eight months of crazy love / pushing him away cycles, I fell that he was becoming more and more emotionally unavailable, and I turned into some kind of needy monster; I was escalating fights only if he looked at another woman, let alone meeting some of them in my absence. I made some kind of plan for our relationship we had to stick to, although he was telling me he preferred to let things happen and grow by themselves.

After a major fight, he stopped calling me for almost a month. I was going cold-turkey, and managed to hoover him back. During next few months, he was leaving all the time. Once, in a rage, he even said something like "Oh, your daddy was absent, so you pushing me to be with you instead" - so, he was aware of the problem, but it didn't stop him from constantly rubbing some salt into my wound.
In the same period, there were some great moments: he asked me to move in and if I wanted us to move together abroad. He said he wanted to spoil me with his attention... and I was happy.

We had another fight, when he wanted to leave, and I physically tried to stop him from leaving - I tried to stop him by hugging him, closing the doors and holding the keys... but without hitting him. He pushed me to the floor and left, and I decided not to call him to come back ever again... and then, the magic happened: for the first time, he came back by himself, telling me he knows what my problem is, and he is going to deal with it. He'll was going to be there for me, but we're not in a relationship any more: he's going to see other women, even have sex with them if he wants to - just to have his own rights, that he will, or will not exercise. I was broken, and asked to be informed before it happens, so I can leave, but he said having to tell me would condition his behaviour.

Two weeks later, he left, telling me he had lost all the feelings for me. He reactivated the account on a dating site where we met, and went on a travel by himself (although he wanted us badly to go together, only few days earlier). I visited his profile from the account he didn't know about, and he sent me a message. I started conversation with him in disguise, asking what he was up to...

When he came back home, I called him, and we have a nice conversation. He told me he just need a bit of space, and not to take his online activities so seriously... I taught he wanted only too hook-up...
Later, he sent another message to my alter-ego, writing he grew very fond of talking to her, and he was ready to exchange emotions and enjoy life; but he had an experience with an overly attached person a while ago... He stripped me of everything we shared, even of my gender... I went beserk, called him, and told him all kind of stuff. He cried, said I never really loved him, but the picture I've created...

That is absolutely untrue. I love him to pieces, with all his flows. We have almost no contact for almost two weeks. I'm trying to recover, remember who I was, putting myself into focus again. But, at the same time, I am missing him to death, and I feel crushed because it seems he went over me in a lightning speed.

I started seeing his ex counselor; she says I am giving up my own self, putting it in the hands of the person that doesn't know how to deal with his own... and that the biggest difference between two of us is, although we're both a mess, at least I am trying to fix the situation, and he's always finding excuses, running away.

Am I really a borderline? The is no serious BPD treatment (ie. DBT) where I live. Will I ever be able to resolve my problems without some serious therapy?
3 Responses
Avatar universal
having been in a relationship with a BPD girl i can relate to this post ... I donno the diagnosis part as that only a trained professional can do .. Ur boyfriend is messed up and many behaviours are NO NO .  

Btw you may or may not be borderline but anyway doesnt seem to be a Hardcore case :)  So dont label urself prematurely  ... If a boyfriend tries to leave isnt it normal u try to prevent him from leaving due to love  ...

Anyway get help in counselling and i think just like me either u are normal or may have some borderline traits .. Hardcore BPD with all 5 criteria (refer wikipedia ) is different ballgame  ...
Read on the net  and also if i may ask u r written as male ? are u male or female . how old are u ?  

Online support groups will be helpful in addition to therapy  ...If u r active here u can add me as ur friend  ...And u can talk to me as though not an expert i have read a lot ...
Avatar universal
I am writing as a female. I'm 36.
Avatar universal
i saw in your profile as male . thats why .. sorry ..Hey did you go through online resources on BPD ..For last two months i am reading up so much on this topic after  i realised my ex had BPD .  
Did he get diagnosed ?  
Have an Answer?
Didn't find the answer you were looking for?
Ask a question
Popular Resources
A list of national and international resources and hotlines to help connect you to needed health and medical services.
Here’s how your baby’s growing in your body each week.
These common ADD/ADHD myths could already be hurting your child
This article will tell you more about strength training at home, giving you some options that require little to no equipment.
In You Can Prevent a Stroke, Dr. Joshua Yamamoto and Dr. Kristin Thomas help us understand what we can do to prevent a stroke.
Smoking substitute may not provide such a healthy swap, after all.