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BPD partner left me, need some insight...

Could anyone please give me some insight on the following?

My BPD partner left me (for the first time) a couple of weeks ago, after a 1 year relationship and is sending out very mixed signals ever since. Yet he claims he wants to be alone and that we are definitely through. At the same time he offers me to accompany me to the cinema or to meet (but leaving the initiative to do so with me...)
And he's taking every opporunity offered to see me - but he's not contacting me directly.

Although I'm familiar with this mixed signal thing, it now leaves me very confused. The last conversation we had he was very uptight, like he was convincing himself that leaving me was best for hím.

I've read on another topic that people with BPD tend to come back after breaking up. But I've got some questions about this.

Right now I just don't know what to do for the best.. leaving him alone like he asked me to or to stay in touch to let him know I still care? (and doesn't that cause backfire?)

On this other topic someone said to leave them alone for a while, but not for too long. What's not too long?
(It's been about 6 days since we last talked and saw each other and we've kind of agreed to go to cinema next week - so he knows he'll see me then).

Any answers are welcome...

Laudy

PS: English is not my native language, so sorry for the mistakes!


10 Responses
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1238036 tn?1457315447
It's been really upsetting reading your post and the other post's/replies relating to your 'problem'.  I have been diagnosed with B.P.D. and right now, I don't even want to own up to having such a depised condition.
I am in a difficult relationship, and after 16 years our relationship is at it's worse.  He suffers from Schizo Affective Disorder, and WE'VE lived in a co-dependent relationship because we both have mental health problems.
So, it's not just because of my illness that we've hit bad times, and gone through similar experiences in general as what you have in your relationship.  You can't belittle your partner just because of a mental health condition.  I will confess that I have got angry, and have blamed my partners upsetting behavior on the symptoms of his disorder.  To hear voices that aren't there to me is far harder to understand than self-harm, because as you probably know that cutting is one symptom of B.P.D.  Anyway, I don't understand anymore, I now feel that everything is my fault.  I am broken, I wish he hadn't read about my illness.  I am definitely not going to be able to recover, I find treatment impossible to work with especially for long periods of time.
Sorry if I have sounded nasty.  I am a nice person, try to be.
All the best.  Beanie0
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1 Comments
Hey everyone!
I'm a BPD girl... Diagnosed by psychiatrist. And extreme - I can't work, follow ANY graphic at all ... Rules do not exist to me. I get super high sometimes, like I feel I'm on the top of the world, I'm the best, I can do anything.... And sometimes I go very low, to a terrible place with paranoia, delusions, dissociation. I can fall in love in one night.... Really, so many times I took boys from night clubs for sex and I felt I love them, like 100%... Some of them I still loved in the morning and some I didn't.... When I really liked the guy, I praised him, adored him like a God, he was my everything! ( Even I had no idea what kind of person he is AT ALL ) ... This feeling made me EUPHORIC. Sometimes it lasted one night, sometimes one week, sometimes few months... But then something went wrong... No one were able to love me as I loved them for a long period of time. And they all were starting to make relationship '' NORMAL'' ....  SLOW DOWN. And what is this - SLOW DOWN? I dont want normal, I want different, I want perfect, I need that HIGH. And once it fades away, I do too! If I really liked the person, I keep coming back for a while ( mainly sex and high for one night ), but in the morning all I didnt like about them came out and I didnt want him anymore. I didnt want to deal with reality, its not my sphere.... New person makes me high, I feel hungry for him, I need him, every inch of him, every time I believe that THIS ONE will be special, will be forever...... But they never are. And I always leave. ( No one ever left me BTW )... Yes, I get hurt sometimes, sometimes I dont care.... Sometimes I get drunk to forget or engage in random sex... ( SEX is the main thing I cope with ANY problems in my life... ), then sugar and alcohol.... The most difficult for me is to survive paranoia and things I see ( shadows , lights ) and FEAR, very strong FEAR... But its in my head and it seems that real world do not really make a big difference for me... But when I leave guys, sometimes I really want to hurt them, only to prove myself, that I can. I feel good knowing that they suffer. But some guys I leave alone ( the ones who are in general very good people ... or suicidal )... Some I hurt with words, some with actions ( I can become aggressive too ) , some I make feel guilty and beg me to come back. And I really think its fun that most of them still wants me back. And I dont think that I'm not worth love. I think that I'm worth a special love. And it's THEIR fault they are not able to give me what I want.... Anyway, if someone of you are similar to me, please send me an email ***@**** .
Would be interesting to make friends similar to me.... Or maybe someone is crazy enough to join me for a ride??? :)
1974283 tn?1425609124
I think loving someone with this condition is really hard. I have suffered with traits, but not the full diagnosis. People don't seem to understand that this condition can be helped.. That they can get help!

Honestly, I was in a relationship on and off through my teenage years and I never knew what the hell was going on. Constant break up, cheating, lying, pull/push, and I thought it was just me. Turns out, you start to think your crazy when your surrounded by assholes. Yes, he is definitely BPD, but I will gladly call him an *** for not getting help. I did for my traits. I was that girl who always left and came back.. Left.. and back.. No one could leave me. I wouldn't let them. They had to love me. I was scared they would leave me, but I could leave them. Awful eh?
I knew I was over that when I found the most amazing man after 6 months of therapy. I have been with him for a year and half and not questioned EVER if I wanted to leave, if he truly cares, NOTHING. Of course, I worry sometimes. That's normal. I have a bad history.

In the end, when you love someone like this you either have to buckle down for the ride and hope that they will always want you... Ask to work with them, get them help, continue to remind them of their condition and that you love them, or just give it up. The whiplash is painful.. You have to make the decison that is best for you.. Because you know as soon as you say "I'm done" they are more than likely not going to be okay with that.
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Avatar universal
I have been with my undiagnosed BPD for 2 years in a long distance relationship. In 2 years we have broken up so many times I can't keep track and then he simply forgets it all and acts like everything is normal. Each time we would spend a longer amount of time together meant that he would break down worse when he would have to go. This is how it has been....a painful series of push/pull and sabotaging. He is best when he is with me....he is calmer but all hell breaks loose when he is away from me. This time I broke when I couldn't handle another unprovoked push/pull attempt as we were skyping. He came with all manner of excuses as to why he couldn't do this anymore and how he couldn't trust himself.

We are like twins together and yet this constant sabotaging would continue to occur out of nowhere. All he had to do is just plan with me our next visit and stay. I snapped and broke up with him because I felt I couldn't trust him and that he was continually playing with my emotions and my own trust issues. I just want to love someone and be able to trust loving them.......he is my heaven and my hell.

So I broke up with him and didn't contact him for 6 days finally sending him an email saying I would break the cycle and that I wanted us to stop doing these antics. I didn't hear from him for almost 3 days.........he sent me a response finally saying he needed some space and that it would be a good idea for me to have space as well he felt.

I don't know what that means for a BPD? I feel like a yoyo and a tortured creature. I love him more than anything and have discovered that we are co-dependent but this is the first time he is actually serious about wanting his space away from me..........we have been inseparable and so now I'm in a strange place not understanding this all. Our relationship has bee filled with pain and hardship just because he is terrified to love me and be vulnerable. He has been the sole cause of the majority of all the arguments, problems and mood swings. Yet now he is truly pulling away...........I have a hard time feeling him and it is terrifying me.

I feel lost and utterly alone without him and even though it has been the most difficult thing loving him and his tortured soul, I just do. This now I don't understand...........and I am scared.
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1 Comments
I'm in the same situation....i know this reply is 4 years later than when it was posted, so if you can share an update on how it all went, that'd be extremely helpful!
1525412 tn?1291508980
The fear of abandonment is definately my biggest issues. SOmetimes those with BPD will "leave" a relationship with the mentality of "I'm leaving so you can't hurt me " type of thing, kind of the fight or flight response!

I have dealt with BPD my whole life, and it has enormously destroyed my life it seems, but I am now in therapy on a regular basis, and working through some of these issues.

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Avatar universal
If its any consolation, I've also recently gone through a break up with someone I'm pretty sure has BPD.  We had a 6 month relationship which was idyllic, he seemed a very loving attentive boyfriend, however it was a long distance relationship and he was very insecure and got uptight if he couldn't contact me straight away, even late at night.  The saw him I experienced the rage and mood swings for the first time and he would blow up at me for very inconsequential things (although I realise now to him they probably were a big deal).  He started to withdraw from me when I came home while still telling me how much he loved me.  He eventually finished it and shifted the blame on to me telling me I had 'trust issues' which I hadn't dealt with.  I received quite a few nasty texts when he ended it telling me that I needed help and a few extremely nasty emails.  Although it was him who instigated the split he has emailed me since, firstly to tell me he hadn't given up on us and that I was in a 'bad place' and he couldn't love or let me into his life while I was in that place and he also seems to have split me into 2 people, the one in the bad place and the one he met 6 months before.   I didn't hear from him for a further 3 weeks and received a very short email last weekend.  He hasn't replied back to me and I've just resolved to leave him to it. If its meant to be he'll come back but I must admit now I have had a bit of time I'm wondering if I really want to deal with someone who is in such constant emotional turmoil even though I still love him.  I know its hard when you are hurting but when they shut down emotionally I don't know what you can do to get them back other than give them space to work it out for themselves.
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Avatar universal
The primary underlying issue with BPD is fear of abandonment.  It is the "I hate you, don't leave me" push - pull - often called "the dance of the borderline".  I had a borderline partner for 7 years.  He works for American Airlines as a flight attendant.  Over the course of 7 years, we "split up" no less than 25 times.  Each time, he would get in the car (the accord I bought for him), drive to the airport, get on a flight and disappear -sometimes for days, a few times for months.  He would not return phone calls or emails for a long period of time.  Then one day, he would start writing or calling - then show up again.  I took him back over and over.  I had some success in getting him to go to therapy twice - only for about 4 visits each time - the last time, with a BPD expert of 17 years.  She confirmed the diagnosis.  He had the typical BPD raging, excessive spending (he filed bankruptcy), denial, no personal responsibility for anything.  He was paranoid and had delusions.  He lived in a different reality.  He left for good this past March.  I did not go after him this time.

So you ask why?  You will never know why.  My partner introduced me to a friend of his as his "life partner" and left me the following week.  Nothing happened in between.  At a certain point in the relationship, the borderline can no longer exist with someone who is "on" to them.  They are barely capable of caring for themselves, let alone another person.  That is why you feel your needs are never met.  The borderline is the bottomless pit of neediness.  You think to yourself - "If I only loved more, if I only scrambled the eggs instead of sunny side up, if I only watch more of his favorite TV show with him, if I.... (fill in the blank).  It never ends.  On the other side, my partner was fun, exciting, a "perfect match". When things were good - it was like a honeymoon every day - for 7 years! - but the reality is relationships cannot exist on the extremes - you experience the great times, then wait for them to show up again - in the meantime, loosing yourself to the crazymaking of the borderline.  At the end of 7 years, he left.  He put everything he owned into 3 suitcases and drove away.  All of his other posessions, he just left them in his apartment or on the street.  He just walked away from everything.  He moved into a furnished apartment in Miami with his 3 suitcases, the car I purchased for him and nothing else.  He was 41.   We had the same birthday - we had so much in life in common.  I remained angry with him for so long for not "doing anything" about his borderline.  I realize, expecting him to do something about this was like asking someone with a broken leg in a cast to run a marathon.  He was just not capable.  At the end, he said the same to me as someone else noted above, "I am on a new and wonderful path.  I am exercising, meditating and eating organic food.  I am taking care of my body." - it is all someone with BPD can do is take care of themselves - let alone someone else.  Our breakup was precipitated by him getting angry with me over having to pick me up at the airport.  He said he didn't want to be responsible for me.  I should find my own way from the Miami airport to the apartment.  It was a burden to him to drive the 10 minutes to the airport to get me.  He told me over the phone to never come back.  

I was blindsided by all of this.  There wasn't a hint of anything.  It was like a light switch flicked off.  I knew he was in the throws of a borderline episode when this started.  I stayed away from him.  Called on the phone only.  Then one day, he started arguing about events from 2-6 years in the past.  There was nothing current to argue about so he relived old arguements with the same rage as he experienced the first time.  He became angrier and angrier. Everything was my fault.  No personal responsibility.  Then - silence.  Silence ever since.

So you ask yourself what to do after only 1 year.  The answer is easy for me to give to you.  Walk away.  I wasted 7 years.  So many times I had the chance to make the split - about 25 of them.  I thought I was going to be different - that our relationship was going to be different.  Unless the borderline is in long term extensive therapy with a qualified borderline therapist - DBT spcialist - and even then - the chances are slim - you need to walk away - Statistically - marriages with one partner borderline - 99% end in divorce.  It is very hard to do. I couldn't do it - he did it for me.  But at the end, I did not try and get back with him.  I knew it was a mistake.  It is still hard today.  He was the love of my life.  He was my best friend.  I lost not only him, but his family as well.  They were brazilian and spoke little english, but when we visited them it was always wonderful.  His mother loved me like a son.  We had a home in Italy.  He just walked away.   You should walk away before you invest too much time and money into this. It will NEVER work.  A borderline not in therapy should be left alone.
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684030 tn?1415612323
Well Laudy... it's a long story about my ex. But no, I've never heard from him since the break-up, which he chose to do by e-mail. The poor guy... he couldn't even face me to tell me. Yes... I say "poor guy" because I still feel sorry for him and his struggles.
As for reasons, his only explanation was that "our journeys are on separate paths."
In our case, there were signs of change between us; so, I wasn't blindsided by the break-up... only disappointed in the it transpired. I could see that he was growing impatient, distant and very discontent with his life in general. And, I felt (and I'm sure that I projected) a sort of wariness and overall disenchantment with his negative attitude and caustic behavior. I would have been willing to remain, at the very least, friends with him as he was always in need for someone to talk to. But, I noticed early in our relationship that the way he copes with inner turmoil is to shutdown and withdraw.
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Avatar universal
I didn't see it coming, at all. Within the relationship he did the same things, sort of. But then he always came around, sooner or later. He never ended it as such.

So right now I'm having a hard time dealing with his ambivalent behaviour. He says one thing, but does another...
I contacted him by email two weeks after he broke up with me and got a not so nice reply by return, telling me that he didn't feel the need to see me, but... if I really wanted to get together, that's okay. He even suggested to meet the same day...
He also invited me to a certain event at the end of this month, while his family will be there as well.

In the meantime he claims that it's really over between us, but also says he still cares for me.
I guess the saying 'action speaks louder than words' isn't applicable to someone with BPD, or is it...

As this situation is new to me, I'm just hoping someone can clarify this way of behaving so I can either still be there for him, or.. move on.
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Avatar universal
Butterfly, thanks for your answer.
How are things right now, haven't you heard from him at all since the break up?
(and did he give you a clear reason for leaving you other than 'we're not compatible'?)
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684030 tn?1415612323
I was in a 1 year relationship with a man with BPD and, as in your situation... he also chose to end our relationship. I recommend that you give him the space and distance that he says he needs. And, that would include texting, e-mailing and phone calls/ voice messages. I made several attempts to contact my ex after our break-up... but received no response. So, just be aware that such attempts could be ignored... even though I could rationalize the dynamics of the break-up, the non-responses did hurt my feelings. So, if you can handle, what felt to me as, rejection... then go with your gut feeling and contact him... but, without any expectations. Otherwise, let things stand as they are. Maybe, in time... he'll contact you; but, it's highly likely that he won't. And, if you see each other in public, give him a friendly acknowledgment... say "hi." But, if he doesn't want to talk; don't insist.
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