When I make friends I become some one they like. This often leads to strange and awkward situations. I have had 3 different work places and anxiety feels like it leads me to play a role that is comfortable but not really me. Although I can play any social role fairly well I never hold down long term friendships as I know the relationship will probably be false. I find most people quite boring. I think I enjoy gaming as it is one of the only things where I can be myself and enjoy the sense of freedom. I do not like attention what so ever or any event where any more than a few people are focusing on me at one time. Due to how anxious and nervous I get if I try to be aware of not creating a false situation, this will add to the urge to just agree with a statement someone makes that I actually have good reason not to agree with. This creates a false profile for me, one that is hard to reverse and over time become more false to the point where it would take a long time to rebuild a new profile but only take seconds to keep adding to it. The realisation that I do this does confuse me but as I have got older and more aware of it I realise maybe I am not so funked up and perhaps this falls under one of many diagnosis's. I want you to know I am never malicious when creating these false situations, they just stop me from developing any kind of real friendships. Around my family and wife I am just me, bit of a smartass and do my best to see those around me happy. I am naturally argumentative in a constructive way and love arguing a point! Very different to the often false, tailored per person 'me'... Hope this makes some kind of sense. Just want some feedback before I go to a doctor and they section me :P
Other information -
Age - 24
I am a type 1 diabetic (insulin pump controlled) The anxiety and depression symptoms I seem to get because of the fight to not create such situations has a big effective on the stability of my blood sugar levels. I worry constantly that 'what if I go blind 'what if I have cancer because I have smoke for 10 years' 'my feet are messed up again, are they gunna drop off soon...' It is fair to say I can easily get lost in a sense of doom not only for me but for other around and close to me, it is not nice but happens a lot more frequently when not smoking cannabis. This leads me on to my final point, medication. I have been prescribed a number of anti-depressants which I have tried and have made me a zombie and barely function sending my senses of blood sugar control into an non existent state. I even got prescribed an anti-depressant that also is used for insomniacs, this caused me to sleep through an episode of hypoglycemia. It is safe to say I will not be seeing that doctor again. I did once get lucky and got offered a place on a 6 month wait list to see a psychologist, I got an appointment, at the appointment I found out it was just an assessment to see if I am worthy of some kind of nut job title. Turns out I was! So on to the 1 YEAR long wait list and also taught a nifty little exercise that will make you look a complete prick and give you headache. This exercise was to do with pressure points and tapping your aura every time you feel stressed, I can safely say I would get some very strange looks in modern day society performing this exercise. That brings me up to date. I am going back to try again with new research I have done myself on things such as
'Readers Respond: What Does Dissociation Feel Like?
Pasted from '
This is about the closest thing I can find to how I feel, I find it VERY difficult to sit down and talk about this problem face to face, I feel idiotic and the only way I seem to be able to control the impulse to create a false persona is to smoke Marijuana. Now the tiny little problem is that it is illegal, often to high grade for what I need and not necessarily a strain that will help that much but in my country it is 100 percent banned (beggars cannot be choosers and all that). I hate feeling like a criminal and once I have children this is not a risk I am willing to take. Now it is highly unlikely that in my life time it will be legal in this country so can anyone suggest any kind of medication or therapy that perhaps could help me overcome this. I do not want pills that make it hard to function and completely dumb you down, I am not that bothered about joining the Harry Krishna's, I just want to be comfortable being me and be able to fully function like I can when medicated with Marijuana. Just for the record I have stopped and started with Marijuana to let other medications have their turn with complications. I have stopped for a year at times and started when things would eventually just get to chaotic for me. With no kind of medication I also can suffer from moderate mood swings enhanced by the yo-yo effect the whole catch 22 situations has on my diabetes; I fear all this will lead my diabetes to be my downfall before my time.
Side note - I have problems focusing on a single task, I drift into many different tasks without realising. I am a little OCD e.g.. if I start housework I will most likely be doing it for a good 10 hours. I often look at the clock then when I look again I cannot place what I did with the hours or how I let them drift by. If in a classroom situation it is very hard to stay focused on what is being said, one word can make my mind drift off on a long complex thought trail which once over I am lost on what the tutor is talking about. Even though aware this happens, I cannot seem to control it. It has been a long time since I had a proper sleep pattern, I do not sleep well at all, this cannot be treated ironically because of my diabetes no form of insomnia treatment can be given. This is present even with the help of cannabis but no where as extreme.
I also have issues understanding our existence and find it hard to understand the purpose of a lot of things, I think so in depth about a particular topic I find myself becoming annoyed that there is no solid proof for certain things in this world. I know I have no choice but to keep on going but sometimes find it hard not to question my existence and the importance and significance to it. This paragraph is not referring to suicidal tendencies.
Sooo what do I want?
• I want a medication to replace Marijuana, can I get capsules in the UK and if not is it legal to get them shipped from US?
• If I cannot get any form of Marijuana what would be a suitable replacement that will keep me functional but ease all my symptoms?
• Is it the cannabinoids in the cannabis that is putting my chemical balance back on an even keel, if so, can another form of tablet be prescribed to release the same cannabinoids in the brain that THC does?
Many Thanks if you managed to read all of the above, I really would appreciate any help.