I have both of those. I used to feel like a fire of anger and every time the wind blew I got more pissed off. I'd just snap and really freak out and I lost pretty much everyone I ever cared for becuz they thought I was too crazy. I figured out, though, that I hated everyone and everything becuz I hated myself. I felt and still feel, really fake and unsure of how close I'm sposed to stand, what way i'm sposed to talk and I'm way too aware of what movements i'm making that could be interpreted as flirtatious. Because when I didn't monitor those things every body breathing was all over me and THAT pissed me off and led to me just playing with others emotions like they were toys. I didn't have any real connections to other people, becuz I felt I couldn't just be me long enough for anyone to actually get to know me. I had a lot to be angry bout, too. I was abused in every way by my own dad, my mom just thought I was a psycho and blamed me for things like the toilet leaking or pipes leaking in the basement where I lived. When I was 16 my mom threw away everyhting in my room while I was at school and I came home to find just a mattress on the floor and 5 outfits that she picked out. There was a restraining order against my only, still the only best friend I ever had becuz I told her that dad was molesting me and she told her mom. Do you have stuff to be really pissed about? If you do, realize that it's all in the past and no matter how angry you get or how much you want to change it you can't. You can affect the present though and decide that you're going to make a change in how you approach things. Is this any help?
Yes, I also have a lot to be angry about, but try not to think of it as the reason for my place in life right now. My mom moved me and my sisters around a lot and has been married and divorced 4 times. I was slightly sexually abused by an older cousin when I was younger. I don't regret any of those things happening to me though, because I believe it made me the very strong person that I am today. My problems these days seem to be all due to my disorders, even though I don't normally think of my past very often, I'd rather just forget about it and move on, but it's seemingly impossible since I think that because of my past is the reason I have these disorders in the first place. If you get where I'm coming from....
Yeah, see I think that if I'm thankful for my past and the disorders came from experiencing those things, then I have to be thankful for the disorders themselves. We have the opportunity to learn from our past and what seem like past mistakes so it's great that you feel at peace with your past cuz it's made you stronger, but it's also caused you to think and to react to the world around you in a very different way. Anger is a very easy, catch-all, emotion and esp when you can justify it like you and I can. I've realized that it's not just anger I feel deeply, but all emotions and that is why I hurt so bad in situations that most people would just bounce back from. I can become very attached to a person in a short amount of time and it makes sense that I'd feel like part of myself has been taken along with them. See, each person you let into your life is in some way a reflection of yourself. It might be the parts that you don't admit to or that you aren't proud of, but that's the reason you were drawn to them to begin with. If you are in disharmony with yourself then you're going to have disharmony in your relationships as well. The world is reflection of you, so you've got to fix yourself to fix it. The way that you're thinking isn't who you are. But we tend to have a running tape of negativity that simply needs to be replaced by one of positivity. If your driving people away, then you want to be alone. Alone isn't a bad thing. It gives you the chance to sort yourself out without any outside distractions. You may think that you've come to terms with you experiences, but the anger is telling you that you haven't yet. That's okay. It can take a long time to forgive yourself, but there are things that you can do to help. Have you heard of EFT? Emotional Freedom Technique has you tap on your energy meridians and re-move old trapped energy that just won't let go. The first tapping I did was along with a youtube video, tap o the morning with Brad Yates and when I said I forgive myself, I burst into tears and really felt that old hatred of self leaving me. I tap on lots of things and it really works and really helps. I get really mad about my situation at times. I live with my boyfriend at his parents house and I'm really sick and in pain all the time. I start to think that my life just *****, but then I try to focus on what the positives are in the situation. I've been homeless, so I'm grateful that I have a place to live. We have enough food to eat and well I've been starving, so I'm glad for that. As I'm coming up with the good things I'm saying them as affirmations and tapping on the points you tap on and even though I could logic my way through all that, it's the tapping that allows me to stop being connected and trapped in the negativity of anger. Tapping makes me cry a lot and that's common. Check EFT on youtube and let me know if it helped you.
Love and Light,
I get where you are coming from - the disorder is ruining your life and the reason you have the disorder is because of your childhood chaos - which probably makes you mad that those things happened to you because they CAUSED the DISORDER which CAUSES chaos in your life! UGH!!! Talk about a ton of emotions flying around. (And around and around!!) No wonder you lash out at people. I think you are more BPD than BiPolar - is it really possible to be both?? I don't know. BPD people have very bad anger problems - and very bad abandonment problems. So - it sounds like what you are doing is just BPD. Not BiPolar.. But - I'm not a doctor so I can't tell you.
All I know is this - my theory on BPD is that it is caused by childhood issues - therefore there is not something wrong with the person who has it - the person who has is a PERFECTLY NORMAL PERSON - who was STRESSED so badly in childhood that they had to learn how to cope with all the stress. And so they cope by getting mad at everyone around them. It is something they taught themselves - to be able to deal with life. And in time - these ways of being got ingrained in their head. What has to happen is they have to learn a new way - which isn't easy because the old way is ingrained in their head. But it is of course possible because you are a PERFECTLY NORMAL PERSON with a NORMAL BRAIN. Right?? It's not like you have an organic brain disorder where there is something wrong with your brain and you'll never be like other people. These "Personality" disorders are just ways that people have learned to be in the world. And you can learn to be otherwise - it will be hard work though. And medicine can help while you work through it. But this is just my theory - what are your thoughts on that?
Have you tried getting into a group called CODA-codependents anonymous? Goggle it or get self help books. M. Beattie.
Borderline personality disorder is complex. Yes it appears that in some manner it is caused by traumatic situations but there is a psychiatric component of it as well. Most people I know with bpd were only able to recover with medication. Talk therapy is essential and from there you can see how you can recover but if there are still things going on it might be worth it to accept a referral to a psychiatrist. Then you can see from there if you want to follow up with their reccomendations. Support groups, self help techniques and talk therapy is good and sometimes can be enough but not always.