I know it's terrible to self-diagnose but some of my problems have returned and in this moment, I don't know what to do. I know it's a long read but please, if you can, I am desperate for an answer. Please, please help me if you can.
I am a 21 year old female.
I have been called crazy so many times I've lost track, and because of that and the way I have felt for so long, I began searching for answers and BPD seemed to fit perfectly. Because of this I think the easiest way to describe what I'm concerned about is to give a history.
Relevant childhood history:
- Grew up with mother and father (unmarried) for first 3 months in a verbally abusive environment; strangers in and out of home.
- Was left to live with my grandparents at 3 months; suffered from night terrors and panic attacks through early childhood of which I have no recollection, but have been informed of by my grandparents.
- Rebuilt relationship with father via telephone through 2nd grade; father stopped calling suddenly as he re-married and formed a new family.
- Was repeatedly molested by neighbor (boy two years older along with his friend one one occasion) in 2nd grade, molested by a classmate in 8th grade, and repeatedly raped by a mentor between 15-20.
- Note: I have trouble remembering all the relationships and their chronological order. I have had many "hook ups". I do know that I have been told by 7 different men that they wanted to marry me, and I truly think that we both believed it at the time.
Past relationship issues include:
- Dependency: I only recently started being able to drive myself without experiencing panic attacks.
- Abuse: Verbal and physical abuse done to me. I have verbally abused others during fits of rage.
- Alcohol Abuse: During a 2 year relationship, I would binge drink. I cannot drink anymore for unrelated reasons.
-Jealousy: I know this is a relatively normal one, but I always find myself fiercely jealous. Sometimes I track/look up my current S.O.s exes, even if they have been irrelevant for years.
- Promiscuous Sex: During previously described relationship, I would use sex as a way of making sure he paid attention to me. Moreover, when I was not in a relationship with anyone, I was quick to engage in oral sex with any man who gave me the time of day because I always felt an immediate "connection". Additionally, I have left at questionable hours of the night to stay at strangers' homes alone.
- Self Harm: My first instance of self-harm happened after an intense fight with my grandmother and aunt. We were all screaming at each other. There was a moment where I had an out-of-body experience during the fight - I could see the entire room, myself included as I am yelling and crying, as if I was a ghost standing on the other side of the room. I not remember leaving and going to my bedroom, but the next memory I have of that evening is me sitting on the floor with a pair of scissors cutting myself and shaking. I did it to calm down because everything felt too surreal. Since then, I have self-harmed to similarly feel "real" again, but also as ways of displaying emotional distress to people I am in a relationship with. I cannot tell if this is manipulation but a part of me feels it is.
Underlying fear of abandonment: I recognize now that I am terrified of being alone, even if only for a few hours. I am terrified of being left behind. As a child, I would have a reoccurring dream that I was trapped in a car that drives away and I am pressed against the back window watching my loved ones fade into the distance. Additionally, change of plans or anything that catches me off guard in that way makes me inexplicably upset and hurt. Every major relationship I've had has been plagued with the idea that they will leave me.
Other/MISC that might be relevant:
- Disassociation (I think this is the correct term?): As described above. Also experience odd types of panic attacks where suddenly textures of everyday items become overwhelming to look at. I feel as if I can see every detail, every fiber of a thing, and it scares me because I feel that it can't be real (rather, it's TOO real to be real). I have trouble talking during these moments and feel "zoned out" and terrified all at once.
- Panic Attacks: I also have panic attacks that begin with it being difficult to breathe and end up nearly passing out from hyperventilation. When this happens, I often just let myself get to the point where I pass out because it becomes too exhausting to fight it.
The reason I am writing all of this is because I am in a relationship now with a wonderful man and I am so afraid that I will ruin it with my craziness. He already helps me through panic attacks but doesn't understand me when I say that I know something is wrong. He doesn't understand when I snap over little things, or when I suddenly hate myself, or when I suddenly am enamored with him. I don't understand it either but please help me. I am so afraid of ruining this. Please, I know this was long but any help or suggestions or comments are SO VERY MUCH appreciated!!!!