Borderline Personality Disorder Community
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Avatar universal

I don't know if BPD but please help.

I know it's terrible to self-diagnose but some of my problems have returned and in this moment, I don't know what to do. I know it's a long read but please, if you can, I am desperate for an answer. Please, please help me if you can.

I am a 21 year old female.

I have been called crazy so many times I've lost track, and because of that and the way I have felt for so long, I began searching for answers and BPD seemed to fit perfectly. Because of this I think the easiest way to describe what I'm concerned about is to give a history.

Relevant childhood history:
- Grew up with mother and father (unmarried) for first 3 months in a verbally abusive environment; strangers in and out of home.
- Was left to live with my grandparents at 3 months; suffered from night terrors and panic attacks through early childhood of which I have no recollection, but have been informed of by my grandparents.
- Rebuilt relationship with father via telephone through 2nd grade; father stopped calling suddenly as he re-married and formed a new family.
- Was repeatedly molested by neighbor (boy two years older along with his friend one one occasion) in 2nd grade, molested by a classmate in 8th grade, and repeatedly raped by a mentor between 15-20.

Relationship History
- Note: I have trouble remembering all the relationships and their chronological order. I have had many "hook ups". I do know that I have been told by 7 different men that they wanted to marry me, and I truly think that we both believed it at the time.

Past relationship issues include:
- Dependency: I only recently started being able to drive myself without experiencing panic attacks.

- Abuse: Verbal and physical abuse done to me. I have verbally abused others during fits of rage.

- Alcohol Abuse: During a 2 year relationship, I would binge drink. I cannot drink anymore for unrelated reasons.

-Jealousy: I know this is a relatively normal one, but I always find myself fiercely jealous. Sometimes I track/look up my current S.O.s exes, even if they have been irrelevant for years.

- Promiscuous Sex: During previously described relationship, I would use sex as a way of making sure he paid attention to me. Moreover, when I was not in a relationship with anyone, I was quick to engage in oral sex with any man who gave me the time of day because I always felt an immediate "connection". Additionally, I have left at questionable hours of the night to stay at strangers' homes alone.

- Self Harm: My first instance of self-harm happened after an intense fight with my grandmother and aunt. We were all screaming at each other. There was a moment where I had an out-of-body experience during the fight - I could see the entire room, myself included as I am yelling and crying, as if I was a ghost standing on the other side of the room.  I not remember leaving and going to my bedroom, but the next memory I have of that evening is me sitting on the floor with a pair of scissors cutting myself and shaking. I did it to calm down because everything felt too surreal. Since then, I have self-harmed to similarly feel "real" again, but also as ways of displaying emotional distress to people I am in a relationship with. I cannot tell if this is manipulation but a part of me feels it is.

Underlying fear of abandonment: I recognize now that I am terrified of being alone, even if only for a few hours. I am terrified of being left behind. As a child, I would have a reoccurring dream that I was trapped in a car that drives away and I am pressed against the back window watching my loved ones fade into the distance. Additionally, change of plans or anything that catches me off guard in that way makes me inexplicably upset and hurt. Every major relationship I've had has been plagued with the idea that they will leave me.

Other/MISC that might be relevant:

- Disassociation (I think this is the correct term?): As described above. Also experience odd types of panic attacks where suddenly textures of everyday items become overwhelming to look at. I feel as if I can see every detail, every fiber of a thing, and it scares me because I feel that it can't be real (rather, it's TOO real to be real). I have trouble talking during these moments and feel "zoned out" and terrified all at once.

- Panic Attacks: I also have panic attacks that begin with it being difficult to breathe and end up nearly passing out from hyperventilation. When this happens, I often just let myself get to the point where I pass out because it becomes too exhausting to fight it.

The reason I am writing all of this is because I am in a relationship now with a wonderful man and I am so afraid that I will ruin it with my craziness. He already helps me through panic attacks but doesn't understand me when I say that I know something is wrong. He doesn't understand when I snap over little things, or when I suddenly hate myself, or when I suddenly am enamored with him. I don't understand it either but please help me. I am so afraid of ruining this. Please, I know this was long but any help or suggestions or comments are SO VERY MUCH appreciated!!!!
4 Responses
Avatar universal
only shrink can answer counseling and educating him involving him

web md is know for i got gas o tumor lol

when we self diagnose we get worried over what ifs you need to find real answers and solutions

and dont use labels we tend to like to say our disorders like a badge when we need to focus on solutions

good luck
Avatar universal
That's a lot going on.  Some also say that people with bpd can't express themselves that well.  It can take a long time to describe something that in essence is very simple.
I would strongly recommend seeing your family doctor and asking for a referral to a psychiatrist.  A psychiatrist will be able to diagnose.
Not sure about the textured anomaly.  There is possibly a diagnosis for that too.
I saw a program a while back where a guy got hit on the head then after that saw all the lines in drops of water, etc.  He is now a maths wizz.
Good luck with everything.  It takes courage to question yourself and to ask for help.
Avatar universal
Wow, I read your post and saw how young you are! I think you are very smart if you are able to describe and list everything in the order you did!

You'll be fine. Just keep going and don't be afraid. With the proper therapy you'll make it. I just found out I have BPD and I'm 55!

Here's my story:

I came across this comment area and thought it was a good place to get this down and share my experience with a BPD girl who has changed my life forever. So I'm 55 and began dating this past Fall a woman who is 34. Normally, I'm not into younger women, but I was super drawn to her and seemingly she to me. Within the first half hour of meeting her she was telling me intimate details about her controlling mother, which I asked her to hold on to and perhaps she could tell me over dinner?  So we went out and boy we just had all these things in common from sense of humor to movie tastes to the way we viewed the world. I was pretty thrilled and began to think that despite the age difference, maybe this was destined to be, especially since I look ten years younger than my age? She told me how everyone in her family hated her or they were estranged, also how she had had to work on not assaulting people in HS if they touched her. I was intrigued by these descriptions and decided to go online to look up BPD as my therapist years ago had mentioned it in some conversation we had. I pulled it up and began reading about it and after I had finished I realized the personality it described was myself...

This woman and I were both BPD sufferers. I was literally in shock and realized my predicament: how could I tell this person, who by now I was becoming very attached to, that I believed we both had this condition without totally killing everything?

The weeks moved forward and I was constantly fighting the urge to cut things off with her. She was going to rdject me, or this thing or that thing. I stopped myself though and hid these feelings and urges for that was what BPD did and I controlled my reactions.

Eventually she beat me to it and ZAPPED out on me over the holidays calling me an *******, then apologizing, then I texted her confessing that I believed we both had BDP (4am was probably a bad time to text this, hey I couldn't sleep!). That was it. I got a barrage of language telling me I was this thing and that thing and to never contact her again.

I figured that was the probable outcome if I told her we probably shared this condition and I was right.  I'm picking the splinters from my heart as I write this, but I'd have to say I have no regrets. I'd tell her again. It was kind of my duty in a way. Maybe she'll get curious and look it up and get the help she needs like I am now. Who can live like this?

I contacted a BPD therapist and have enrolled in a DBT group as well as individual therapy. I can't believe this got missed in my life? I spent 7 years in therapy for depression and PTSD from being abused by my ******* father and this was completely missed. I kept thinking, "there's still something wrong, what am I missing?" I wonder now if this is why I was drawn to her and to other women like her? Looking back I've always been addicted to women with this profile. The minute I see their eyes I am drawn to them. I figure now that the attraction was because they had the answers I needed to cure myself: a mirror of myself,

When I buy a boat I'm going to cristen it the "Tia Renee" in her honor, for she changed my life forever and luckily I'm young enough to not die in a Borderline haze. Guess I kinda loved that girl.
Avatar universal
I think you need to visit your G.P, express your concerns and ask for a referral to a psychiatrist in order to be fully assessed and diagnosed properly.
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