I'm new to this forum and will try make my info short.
Ever since I was little, I lived a sheltered life with my small family in the countryside and still do. I grew up without a mom or sisters. When I was around 4 years old, I was severely abused by a babysitter woman who beat me over my head with a hair brush, forced me to stare at walls, and threatened to strip me naked and spank me if I would cry or show any emotion, but stuck her hands down my pants once. I can honestly say that my family never really cared about my well being because bringing this up to them only ever prompted them to concur with what the babysitter was doing. The only woman I've grew up with is my grandmother who also abused me and now just neglects me. She might be the most evil women in the world for sure. It's hard to explain, but let's just say she's completely unsympathetic to everyone, could senselessly hurt anyone then act as if nothing ever happened and is unapologetic, and yells all the time, starting crisis's over everything and will not listen to you no matter how calm or rational you try to be. She insists that because she owns the house I live in that she has the final say of everything.
Moving on, through all my school I never talked to girls and always tried to avoid them and still do. I don't think about women at all or try to unless I get sexual urges during the day. I haven't hugged, kissed, or bonded with any woman yet and am worried about it cause I get really angry everytime I see women and men being interactive and talking to them. Women picked on me in school because of my quiet, avoidant behavior and even a faculty woman came up to me and forced me to look at her so she could drill a psychotic, emotionally fueled, ignorant, irrational, bad attitude speech into my mind and establish me as some lower person who has to be psychologically destroyed and bound by what this woman said. What she did was so bad that even today, my nerves literally get strained thinking about what this woman did and how she just forced her way with me like the babysitter woman and my grandmother.
It's hard to explain, but it's like I don't want to understand or have anything to do with women or how they think and interpret things cause it always seems emotionally twisted and just makes me angry to the point of violence and hating everyone and everything. I don't talk to girls and have no idea what to say them. I always have to manipulate myself to become another person with a personalty like the person I interact with so I can relate to them.
I've always been extremely lonely and angry and don't know what to do. I should also mention that I have no friends except one who's a guy, whom I also almost shared my first sexual experience with. But he's moved away and I hardly get to talk to him.
I could go on and on, but a part of me always felt held back and that despite with what I put up with, I have to deal with it and pretend to be happy and friendly. Well, I can't fake anything when it shows and I'm treated badly by people.
Can anyone help me or give advice? The internet is my only reach out and is something I've been attached to everyday now for many years since high school ended.